Why Am I Here?

I was going to write a list of five gratitudes today, but after being outside with my friend in the cold today she asked exasperated, "Why am I HERE?" We were headed back to my place to write, so I decided that would be our first prompt, which led down a surprising path.

Why Am I Here?

I am here because my father died and left enough money to buy this place. I am here because I needed some place to live that wasn't sad. I am here because M and my relationship as we knew it ended. I am here because I was born here. I am here because my parents were born here (in this state). I am here because my grandparents were born here. I am not here because any of my great grandparents were born here – 3 emigrated from Sweden. They were here because people in Sweden were starving and Sweden is somewhat like MN geographically and for a time between genocide and now, our nation was a place that welcomed immigrants – or certain immigrants - or immigrants for certain purposes – such as driving back the original inhabitants.

I am here because it is the greatest concentration of people I love living here. I am here because light shines on this planet in the precise intensity to allow life forms to emerge. I am here because I love this spot where I can turn and glance out the window and see the snow covered trees framing the sky. I am here because sky is expansive the way lungs are when we inhale. I am here because when hail falls down – it appears the sky is falling – however instead it is just ice in a very strange place.

I am here because Earth is a strange place to inhabit somehow despite all its beauty.

I am here because in some cultures beauty is an organizing principal.

I am here because I believe in principals as a signpost for my life.

I am here because quiet spaces nurture and support me – quiet lighting, quiet pens upon the page. I am here because the page is an open palm – awaiting to receive my blessing. I am here because blessing is given when we are born, but not all feel nor receive it.

I am here because oxygen permeates my lungs. I am here because of my lungs and my heart.

Out of My Head

#1 - I don't often have impulses to contact my former partner anymore (luckily) but today I definitely did when I was excited to come upon this duet.  Will Evans is someone we both enjoyed as an opener to Trevor Hall (a favorite musician of both of us) and Tristan Prettyman someone I'm also a fan of, so I got so excited to see this.  Instead I will just post it here.

#2 - I was invited to a perimenopause/menopause gathering at a friend's house  - a gratitude both because it is a topic that I want to learn more about, but also just because a friend invited me (because I usually do most of the inviting!)

#3 - Speaking of which I'm going to hear music tonight from some favorite musician friends that a different friend made me aware of/invited me to.  (Brothers Frantzich)  The first time I will see them since one of them gifted me a guitar.

#4 - I'm not going to explain the context of this brief email I received today, "So 11/30 at 11(?) at which cemetery?" But the ridiculousness of it made me laugh out loud. (It is not related to anyone dying).

#5 - I don't think I'm a particularly good singer, and that's fine. So when the musician that gave me the guitar said I have a beautiful voice I took it with a grain of salt.  But once in a while, maybe in a very narrow range, I do think it sounds good. Singing along with the song on this post I felt it, and hopefully I'll feel that way singing tonight.

The Wild Edge of Sorrow

 #1 - Today was the 1 year anniversary of my book club which has been a huge gift this past year as far as connecting with friends and creating community. It is fitting that the book The Wild Edge of Sorrow - talking about grief led to a deep discussion.

#2 - After book club my 2 cousins, who are in book club, stayed and talked quite a while longer with me.  They are an immense gift in my life.

#3 - I passionately talked about Prayers around the Cross, a service at Holden village where people silently shared and were supported in their pain and grief.  I said our culture does not offer space for that, and until we can figure this out, grief that has no outlet will be redirected (shootings for example), this is hard and critical work.

#4 - One of my friends said they were going to share something vulnerable, and as they spoke I felt a quickening in my heart that meant I was being directed to share a vulnerable seed within my life too.  I wasn't expecting to share that seed at all, but I understood in the way my body reacted that it needed to come out.

#5 - I have learned that after book club I have a hard time falling asleep (too stimulating apparently). So I will put my computer by my bed so I can switch to an ASMR audio if needed, however right now I'm not convinced it is necessary as I'm pretty tired.

Father Thomas Keating

#1

"Silence 

is God's first language

everything else

is a poor translation.

Whatever we say about God

is more unlike God

than saying nothing."

Father Thomas Keating

#2 - I have a friend coming to stay with me this weekend and I am really looking forward to it, in fact I would say I need it.  She also is a friend that I sometimes write with over the phone and she has suggested we write together - also a perfect recipe.

#3 - I was planning to go speed dating tonight. However both speed dating events I signed up for this month were postponed, this one to my monthly poetry group night so I will not be going. When the first one happened my plans were redirected to another event that made sense. Tonight the only redirection I know of thus far is potentially cleaning my bathroom and making a grocery list, but I guess it is an "easier" evening.

#4 - My friend gave me a guitar this week. Yes that sentence is repeatable.  My friend bought/gave me a guitar.  I started playing guitar in 2010 and have had various guitars on loan during that time (or for a couple years not having one at all). And then Monday one appeared in my hands. 

 It sounds really good and I want to write a song, which I was doing until 2017, but then that dried up.  I still write poems, but songs have been elusive.  I don't know how anymore, but I'm trying, or attempting to try.  I am willing.

#5 - If you want to be free, if you want to heal your relationship with God, with others and yourself, enter your inner room—the office, where the Divine Therapy takes place.

Close the door so you don’t run away.

Quiet your interior dialogue so that you can listen to what the Spirit is saying to you."

Father Thomas Keating

More Merton

 #1- I hung out with friend Monday, talked to 2 friends on the phone yesterday and jogged with another friend today.  I'm having a good friend week.  (This is after the end of my last weekend when I thought - even as an introvert I've had enough time alone!!)

#2 - I have a new family that I had the 2nd home visit today.  The mom is bilingual but the primary language of the home is Spanish so we've mostly been doing the visits in Spanish.  The accent is easy for me to understand (Mexican) and there is no pressure, because we can switch to English when I don't know something (though I hope we mostly continue to work with the child in Spanish!)

#3 - An older child was home today as there was no school and I have never seen a more supportive older sibling (the child in the program is a special needs child).

#4 - I'm going speed dating on Saturday and after asking multiple single people to accompany I finally found someone else to join.  (I didn't actually ask her, I just told her about it and she asked me to send the info and then decided to sign up.)

#5 - "The rush and pressure of modern life are a form, perhaps the most common form, of contemporary violence. To allow oneself to be carried away by a multitude of conflicting concerns, to surrender to too many demands, to commit oneself to too many projects, to want to help everyone in everything, is to succumb to violence.  The frenzy of our activity, neutralizes our work for peace. It destroys our own inner capacity for peace. It destroys the fruitfulness of our own work, because it kills the root of inner wisdom, which makes work fruitful." - Thomas Merton

Thomas Merton

 #1 - "Let us come alive to the splendor that is all around us and see the beauty in ordinary things. For nothing has ever been said about God, that hasn't already been said better by the wind

 in the pine trees." 

Thomas Merton

#2 - Today I went with my coordinator to meet a new family I will be working with. Usually these meetings are a little uneasy, someone is letting strangers come into their home and explain a program that may or may not work for them. Everyone is a bit on guard.  Today's mom however was so open and talkative and something that usually takes about 20 minutes took 45. I almost cried as she shared her experience.  And was it a coincidence she had a throw pillow that said something like, "Gratitude is what makes what you have enough"?

#3 - She spoke to us in English, but the primary language of the household is Spanish, so when I texted her to confirm our first visit tomorrow I did it in Spanish, and that is how she replied.

#4 - Earlier today I was listening to "A Reminder" by Trevor Hall on repeat.  This evening it was "Watching the Whole Sky Change" Lockeland Strings featuring Maya de Vitry

#5 - "I believe the desire to please you, does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing." 

Thomas Merton

Thomas Merton excerpts from - Thomas Merton - Selected Teachings for Meditations - Christian Mysticism

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k2zWgTX_9L4&t=1081s 

Nighthawk, Whole Milk

 #1 - You know how maybe you have this one thought or worry that you forget for weeks at a time, but then keeps you up in the middle of the night?  Mine - the one that I think is "real" - is dealing with my aunt's house someday.  (She doesn't have children.)  There are a long list of reasons that I will not go into here why this concerns me, but to say the least it is a decrepit piece of property.

I had the thought quite a while ago to consult the Realtor who helped me find my condo, and who is now a friend, for her thoughts on this, before it is a more imminent issue.  Usually Realtors are busy in the spring, so I just asked her today if I could take her to lunch and pick her brain about this.

We are meeting next week.

#2 - "Nighthawk" that is the word The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows by John Koenig uses to describe the thought like above, which you forget for weeks, but then strikes you late at night.

This book is delightful and full of new words for emotions. For example, "nodus tollens: the feeling that the plot of your life doesn't make sense to you anymore."

#3 - I returned home from being away for the summer late last week. One of my jobs I started immediately, but it is a slow start up. The second I gave myself a 2 week buffer.

I am so glad about that, I've had the time to address things that keep popping up- making a phone call which involved hold for a while about a couple confusing financial things, talking to the property manager about the bathroom fans (which are central) which still aren't working...

 None of the things I've needed to address have been any sort of emergency, they just take time.

#4 - I bought this 4L Seeker water storage thing for camping a couple years ago.  However from the start it gave my water a funny taste.  I tried a couple things suggested online.  Eventually the company sent me a new one along with some other things to try.  One was to fill it with milk for 24 hours in the fridge and then wash it out.  I wrote back, "Whole milk? Skim?  Any preference?  I'll try it."

That was last March.  Today I finally just bought a gallon of whole milk and am giving it a try.

#5 - I did not look in the mirror much this summer. There was a small medicine cabinet sized mirror in my room that I saw my face in every day, but that's it. I've been surprised at how much more I am seeing myself now. I felt more confident in my skin without the mirrors.

I thought about this in a yoga class last week and again today in a barre class. I am overall happy with and grateful for my body

and

I'm not sure all the mirrors are helpful.