Still Here

 I am not sure how I have not posted gratitudes here for almost a month when I've had so much time at home.  Regardless, today I emailed a woman who lived in my building (and who moved out a couple months ago) to ask if I could use her parking space for upcoming book club since I don't think anyone is living there yet.  She said I could and wrote, "Hope all is well!" at the end of the message.  I decided to reply, "On a more personal note..." and filled her in on my situation.  She responded, 

#1 - "I’m not at the condo too often but am not far, so if you ever need any help with anything don’t hesitate to reach out - I mean it!"

#2 - I had a session with a former therapist today online (mostly was a therapist with my former partner and I).  I can't tell you how valuable it feels to already have that established relationship and ability to just "pull it out of my back pocket" in a way.  I remember when I started my relationship being adamant about finding a therapist before we needed one.  I knew my parents did not set a healthy example and the last thing I wanted to do when in the midst of discord is search for a therapist who is taking patients (and who you like).

I hadn't really thought about having that person just available and ready when you need it in your single life, but just as handy.

#3 - She said she heard my playfulness and sense of humor. Well I haven't heard those things in myself the last couple months so I couldn't believe she did.  She also said with fear (I've been starting my mornings with fear), Jon Kabat Zinn says that walking is better than sitting (in meditation). I get that.

#4 - I am going to sign up for an event on Saturday morning.  This will be the first time in 2 months I have done such a thing.  I may or may not feel like going, but at least I can.

#5 - I just looked at some emails I saved.  One from a friend whose mom works with my condition.  The friend said

"make sure your brain isn't getting too much input."  Yeah I get that.

Slight Shifts

 #1 - I went to a yoga class this morning, as I've done the previous 2 Saturdays because I can easily walk there, and it's not  intense.  The last two weeks I could feel the internal scrunched up/scowl on my forehead, that is just ever present.  It is not something I am able to consciously relax or control.  It is just something I carry with me.  It has become a part of me.

Today the teacher said something - I don't recall at all what - and I responded by smiling.  I RESPONDED BY SMILING.  I know the last two weekends at yoga there was zero smiling coming from my direction.  This reaction/emotion was not accessible to me.

I know I wrote a similar gratitude here on Monday.  Those moments are so rare and precious right now that they stand out like a beacon.

#2-#3 - This morning I was able to write a letter to a friend (on paper) and read.  Being able to read in the morning. Usually my mind is too cloudy for that until at least mid-afternoon.  It did tire me out and I had to sleep (I was already on the couch).  When I woke up I was sure I slept a while and wondered if I'd missed yoga (I had set the timer on the stove for that reason) but I hadn't heard it go off. I went to check the timer, and it appears 15 minutes was all it took.

#4- I remember a quote my mom would say, "Progress not perfection," though the sunlight in the trees outside my window is perfection.  “Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us, or we find it not.”

― Ralph Waldo Emerson, Emerson's Essays

This morning I am carrying it inside.

#5 - Early this year, I looked thru all the workshops at the Omega Institute in NY.  I was curious if anything would call out to me.  I went all the way thru their catalog (April-Oct) before I saw anything that did - Cheryl Strayed (author of Wild).  Something lit up when I saw it. I didn't have a desire to travel to NY, however then I saw that they were going to offer an online option.

This summer a friend let me know that Strayed's husband died last spring. "Wow she is going to be in a really different place in October than she envisioned when she created that workshop," I thought with a weight of sadness.

Well I could say the same for myself.

Waking Up

#1 -  I see the last time I posted on here was the day before my life changed, and there was a garter snake involved. Hmmm, what does that mean?

The last few weeks I have lost my connection to nature.  It has been absent and non-existent, which is to say

I lost my connection to myself.

I had a pretty crappy morning, but something this afternoon propelled my feet into motion and I didn't need another person to motivate me to take a walk.  I just went on my own, with an idea and a knowledge it was more than I've done up to now. and I completed it. I walked to and thru nature.  I sat down.  I took it in.

#2 - I really feel how if I (one) cannot feel the aliveness in nature around us, something is dead within us.

#3 - I recall yesterday stopping to look at a tree changing, and I know that something too was waking up inside me.

#4 - And now I hopefully have got a bit of exercise so I can rest.  The rest I've been doing has not been because my body is tired, at least not in the usual way.  Maybe I can do "normal" things.  Read?  Call someone?  We'll see.

#5 - I actually skipped a few gratitudes all together earlier this month (absent from my journal) for the first time since 2010. I forgot about it along with many other things. When I started writing them again, they were things I was literally noticing to be thankful for, however the feeling of gratitude was absent. When I walked up to my building today I stopped to slightly smile at a kid climbing up a light post with an adult spotting. 

An Answer

 #1 - I eat on my patio often, and for the first time today I was graced by the appearance of a garter snake, who abruptly turned around upon noticing my presence.

#2 - I learned a friend recently also loves Khalil Gibran's The Prophet. I asked if she'd heard the song Jason Mraz wrote for his sister's wedding using lyrics from the book.  She hadn't so I sent it to her today. (God Rests In Reason)

#3 - Which led me to listening to a Mraz mix on Youtube while I worked and taking a break during one song to dance and also hearing some songs I'd never heard such as Silent Love Song.

#4 - I was trying to figure out how to buy tickets to a cross country race tomorrow.  Then (when I was doing something else) I realized they don't charge for cross country races because it would be pretty hard to enforce.

#5 - A friend emailed to genuinely ask for advice.  I felt like Dear Sugar with my response pouring out. Not the "right" answer, but "an" answer at least.

Compliment of the Day

My kitchen sink clogged a month or so ago.  First I tried to snake it out myself (with some help), then I paid someone a few hundred dollars to clear it.  It worked for 3 days and then clogged again.  Then I asked the association to send someone else (not clear if this is my responsibility or not).  They did send someone.  I asked the last guy if he could specify where the clog was on the invoice. It was beyond my unit so the drain also takes input from the unit above me at minimum.  I still received a chargeback last week.

#1 - I felt really calm when I wrote back an email about the chargeback.   "This invoice states, 

"I proceeded to remove the waste arm and p trap and used the mini camera to find the clog to be in the stack about 30 ft away. I used the mini rooter to drop the clog and cabled about 45 ft out to ensure the line was clear and Draining."

I cleared out the pipe in my unit using a snake both myself and with another sewer and drain cleaning company that prior week, but the clog was clearly beyond that.

Please explain how this falls in the responsibility of the "within my walls" provision."

I didn't think this fell within the bounds of my responsibility, however I also knew that I could pay for it if need be.

#2 - Today they responded, "We re-reviewed the invoice and yes, it was mistakenly charged back to your account. We are working on reversing it. It may take a little time, but we will confirm once we are alerted of the reversal."

#3 - I am helping my brother and sister-in-law tomorrow and driving the kids to their sports practice.  I looked up if there was a nearby beach or something we could go to after and found a park in their suburb has free 1 hour long kayak, canoe and paddleboard rentals. I wonder if it is only for residents?  It didn't say that though, so we'll go check it out.

#4 - I did an online Eckhart Tolle Zoom group.  We all watch a talk of his for about a 1/2 hour and then it breaks us in small groups to share what resonates with us.  It gives written instructions in the beginning, one of which, "Please refrain from offering advice."

This is not the first time I shared what I connected with and a woman jumped in to offer me advice.  It started feeling like a push back and forth with her, and eventually said I felt "analyzed" (which isn't a feeling).  

Anyway, I wouldn't say I handled it poorly.

I wouldn't say I handled it well.

It's all practice.

#5- My niece recently starting driving with her permit.  When I spoke to my sister-in-law today she quoted my niece saying, "My goal is I want to drive like Tammy. She drives like walking."

Letters and Stories

 #1 - I got an alignment on my car earlier this week because Costco said my new tire warranty would be invalid without it. Along with the alignment they gave me $1400 in suggested maintenance based on the mileage.  I called the guy I started bringing my car to a couple years ago for maintenance to ask about the list.  A couple he had already done.  A couple he said were not necessary at all. One he said was due now, which I scheduled later this month (spark plugs).  What a relief to have someone who seems to be honest in an area that I know nothing.

#2 - I started reading Letters to a Spiritual Seeker after being reminded of my prior infatuation with Henry David Thoreau after visiting the arboretum last week.  My love has been rekindled.

#3 - "When you travel to the celestial city, carry no letter of introduction. When you knock ask to see God - none of his servants (18)." Henry David Thoreau

#4 - Like Thoreau, I write letters, and you can bet my current one is going to get some quotes from this book.

#5 - I got really frustrated because the Eckhart Tolle website was overcharging me.  I paid for a year membership this Spring and then they still started taking monthly deductions.  It took a lot of back and forth to get that resolved.

Last month I signed up for an online course, paid in full, and then saw an additional charge.  I emailed to inquire what it was, suspecting the same thing happened again.  It took a while to get a response, and then they said it was related to the new course I signed up for. I said I already paid for it in full and wanted the monthly charge refunded.  Then they refunded the whole thing and cancelled the course (this happened last time too). 

I knew this was all practice for my pain body, and I did better this round. I laughed some. But eventually I got pretty frustrated.

Finally I received a response that the charge was actually a refund because they decreased the price of the course.

The price was a refund and I didn't notice, because I already had a story in my head.

Living a Life of Service

 #1- It's been really hot and I just needed a quiet/inside evening today so I ended up looking up Nate Bargatze (comedian) and listening to him on Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend.  Around minute 35 he says, "I really try to remind myself that it's not about me. I'm living a life of service."

#2 - I went to the arboretum yesterday, the last time I recall being there was over a decade ago when I saw 1 of my 2 favorite theater performances (both by the same company) - Nature - a walking outdoor play about Thoreau and Emerson.  

I could vaguely remember the theater company's name.  It took some false starts and I found it.  They had a new production in May that I just missed.  I'm glad they are still in business.

#3 - I've also been watching the osprey camera on occasion today from the arboretum.  The birds spent quite a bit of time preening and being.  Now they've nestled down for the night.

#4 - I also thought about bringing my niece and nephew to the arboretum.  The friend who brought me thought my niece had reached the age of paid admission but that my nephew would be free.  I looked today though and my niece would actually still be free too if we could get there this summer.

#5 - Plentiful, in season produce.  I'm enjoying quick lunches with hummus, baked tofu, and lots of seasonal vegetables this week, even a few cherry tomatoes from my patio..  Tasty, easy and delicious.