Then You Put the Words on the Page

 #1 - Laying beneath my bedroom window watching the snow fall and a return to winter with legs over the radiator and a blanket across my lap.  It's not the same as forced air heat under a blanket, but I still feel wealthy.

#2 - Listening to the Against the Odds podcast "Schoolchildren's Blizzard" while I worked and watched the snow fall.

#3 - I picked up a family from a co-worker who resigned. She had given out some books/toys ahead of time.  (Usually halfway thru an hour visit I'd have a new book or toy to pull out.)  This made me concerned that those visits were going to seem really long, but I think today we caught up and it ended up being, not ideal, but fine.

#4 - Emailing a friend to ask if we could shift a plan (made back in Nov) so I could take part in another friend's birthday event. I don't like changing plans myself and I especially don't like asking other people to change plans, and this friend is traveling internationally so I hate to bother her.  However I am trying to remember that sometimes a change of plans is better for everyone, and to just ask, which I did.

#5 - "Writing is practice also. It's not enough to want to write, you have to start writing...You have to start writing and then do it everyday, even if it is just 20 minutes, a half hour. Just write something and see if the flow is able to use your mind and create the words. Then you put the words on the page." Eckhart Tolle

Quote of the Day

 "I find it very hard to call God 'he'. 

Because you are limited already. 

'It' is also difficult. 

And 'she' also limits it. 

So, maybe one day I'm going to ask God,

 'What are your pronouns?'"

Eckhart Tolle

Minneapolis

#1 -  "Is ICE starting to leave Minneapolis? | Marianne Williamson" 

"The citizens of Minneapolis have created a template, God bless them, did an extraordinary job. and I'll tell you something, when, not if, when the history of all this is written, the citizens of Minneapolis at this time are going to be seen as real heroes." Marianne Williamson

It's true and I've been inspired by surprising heroes.

#2 - "I'm always reminded of the Churchill line, 'You can always count on the Americans to do the right thing after they have exhausted every other option.'" - Marianne Williamson

#3 - I sent out emails to almost everyone I know in Minnesota asking them to attend precinct caucuses next week.  It's the basis of the democratic process in this state, and good timing for people that want to take tangible action.

#4 - All this makes me wonder when people will be ready for a new type of leadership. I suppose we will have a new type of leadership, when that leadership reflects us becoming a new type of people.

#5 - "If we want to save the world we must have a plan, but no plan will work unless we meditate." Dalai Lama XIV

We Need Everything

 #1 - When I was putting on my ice skates for the first class of my intermediate lesson, I watched the adult beginners. They all looked wobbly. One in particular appeared the least steady, to possibly never have been on ice before.  Not only that, but she was a dark skinned woman, in a hijab, in a sea of white. I admired them all, and especially wanted to encourage her.  One moment she caught herself from a wobbly moment, caught my eye and I smiled and we laughed together.

#2 - I thought to myself, "This is my last ice skating lessons" (meaning in my life).  That was before the class started.  During the class I realized...I took one session last winter - when I was one of the worst in the intermediate class. This is my 2nd intermediate session this winter and I am definitely at the head of the class.  When the teacher was impressed by my stops and my crossovers I thought, "I couldn't do any of this before my session last winter."

I still don't think I'll ever take advanced, I have zero interest in spins and the other things that classes focuses on,

but maybe it isn't my last skating lesson either.

#3 - After some beautiful nudges from life, I signed up for one of Eckhart Tolle's online courses last month. It couldn't have been better timing. Tonight as I was listening to Challenges as Catalysts for Growth I started to feel a bit restless, so I paused and turned on some music and did a little dancing.  And then I was reminded how when I lose face in humanity, music reminds me of what we are capable of.

#4 - Will Evans - Bridge with No Name 

(song I was listening to on repeat as I wrote #5)

#5 - We Need Everything

We need it all

We need it now

We need your pain

We need your power

We need your dance

We need your tears

We need your hope

We need your fears

We need your reach and your contractions in vain

We need your desperation

We need your pain

We need your questions

We need your space

We need your suggestions

We need your grace

We need you

We need you now

Whether that means sitting in silence

or reaching out somehow

We need what is inside you

we need the voice that wants to care

We need what guides you

We need

We need what's there

What's there is an arrow

What's there is a path

What's there is a question

What's there is the aftermath

of centuries of struggle

centuries of fear

we hold it inside us

we hold it right here

right here in my palm

right here in my heart

right here in the surrounding silence

right here

Please don't run from this darkness

please don't shut down this pain

find the space just around it

find the space that remains

when the mind drops its story

when the emotions just flow

when what is is everything

when now is all you know

Homemade Cleaners

#1 - Yeah! A snowstorm in place of the rain we've had recently which did a number to the cross country skiing.  And it's a day I had nowhere to drive, so I could just enjoy the beauty, take a little walk, and even shovel for fun before the grounds crew gets here.

#2 - I hung up an Xmas gift from my uncle.

#3 - After my Dad died I continued making dishwasher and laundry soap per the system he set up.  However after I ran out of one of the ingredients (Fels Naptha), I abandoned the process. I learned Fels Naptha wasn't something I necessarily wanted to buy more of.  Today I found a different recipe using Dr. Bronner's pure castile soap bar which I can easily get. Not sure when I will feel the initiative to continue this, but I can at least get the last ingredient so I'm ready when I do have it.

https://www.measuringflower.com/laundry-soap/

 #4 - Though now I see that Borax is rated worse than the Fels-Naptha which I still have a bunch of for the dishwasher soap.  Hmmm.  I guess that needs to be phased out too.

#5 - This is a great website to look up this info!!!  https://www.ewg.org/cleaners/

************************************************************************

I was making dinner and I realized I got distracted by this cleaning info and forgot to write about something I intended to. The Gottman's the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse!

"The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is a metaphor depicting the end of times in the New Testament. They describe conquest, war, hunger, and death respectively. We use this metaphor to describe communication styles that, according to our research, can predict the end of a relationship."

https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/

Of the 4 horseman I am definitely most guilty of defensiveness. Both according to my own reflections and the perspective of my former partner.  

I was thinking today a bit about how that pattern was established in me.  Growing up I don't think my parents modeled taking responsibility for their emotions.  They gave that power to other people.  So for example, it might be mom's fault that my dad was screaming.  So I learned if I did something maybe it was my fault my dad was so angry.  But then I might ask myself, "Is it my fault? Am I at fault here?"  Immediately I am in defensive mode trying to figure that out. But the fact is IT DOES NOT MATTER if I am at fault, it is still never my fault how someone reacts.  This is a lesson I will practice the rest of my life.  

I want to be responsive to someone else's reaction, and if there is a way I can do things differently that would be helpful I want to hear and be open to that. But need to watch the defensiveness because I am only responsible for my own emotions.  And I need to step into that responsibility, instead of victimhood.

Anyway, I'll be figuring this out for a long time, but I'm trying.

Why Am I Here?

I was going to write a list of five gratitudes today, but after being outside with my friend in the cold today she asked exasperated, "Why am I HERE?" We were headed back to my place to write, so I decided that would be our first prompt, which led down a surprising path.

Why Am I Here?

I am here because my father died and left enough money to buy this place. I am here because I needed some place to live that wasn't sad. I am here because M and my relationship as we knew it ended. I am here because I was born here. I am here because my parents were born here (in this state). I am here because my grandparents were born here. I am not here because any of my great grandparents were born here – 3 emigrated from Sweden. They were here because people in Sweden were starving and Sweden is somewhat like MN geographically and for a time between genocide and now, our nation was a place that welcomed immigrants – or certain immigrants - or immigrants for certain purposes – such as driving back the original inhabitants.

I am here because it is the greatest concentration of people I love living here. I am here because light shines on this planet in the precise intensity to allow life forms to emerge. I am here because I love this spot where I can turn and glance out the window and see the snow covered trees framing the sky. I am here because sky is expansive the way lungs are when we inhale. I am here because when hail falls down – it appears the sky is falling – however instead it is just ice in a very strange place.

I am here because Earth is a strange place to inhabit somehow despite all its beauty.

I am here because in some cultures beauty is an organizing principal.

I am here because I believe in principals as a signpost for my life.

I am here because quiet spaces nurture and support me – quiet lighting, quiet pens upon the page. I am here because the page is an open palm – awaiting to receive my blessing. I am here because blessing is given when we are born, but not all feel nor receive it.

I am here because oxygen permeates my lungs. I am here because of my lungs and my heart.

Out of My Head

#1 - I don't often have impulses to contact my former partner anymore (luckily) but today I definitely did when I was excited to come upon this duet.  Will Evans is someone we both enjoyed as an opener to Trevor Hall (a favorite musician of both of us) and Tristan Prettyman someone I'm also a fan of, so I got so excited to see this.  Instead I will just post it here.

#2 - I was invited to a perimenopause/menopause gathering at a friend's house  - a gratitude both because it is a topic that I want to learn more about, but also just because a friend invited me (because I usually do most of the inviting!)

#3 - Speaking of which I'm going to hear music tonight from some favorite musician friends that a different friend made me aware of/invited me to.  (Brothers Frantzich)  The first time I will see them since one of them gifted me a guitar.

#4 - I'm not going to explain the context of this brief email I received today, "So 11/30 at 11(?) at which cemetery?" But the ridiculousness of it made me laugh out loud. (It is not related to anyone dying).

#5 - I don't think I'm a particularly good singer, and that's fine. So when the musician that gave me the guitar said I have a beautiful voice I took it with a grain of salt.  But once in a while, maybe in a very narrow range, I do think it sounds good. Singing along with the song on this post I felt it, and hopefully I'll feel that way singing tonight.