If I Had the Worth

As I mentioned on my last post I have one more open mic to complete my goal this year. I haven't written a song in six months and I would like something that feels relevant now. So two Tuesdays ago I sat down in the evening with a goal of writing a song (I am never this formal/structured about creativity). I started something and I liked the theme, but not much else about it. I've been working on it off and on the last couple weeks and last night I got it to a place that felt sufficient. Yes sufficient is the word and that makes me laugh. So here it is.

#1-3 - Writing/completing (I think) this song and enjoying recording it this AM. Actually I just looked and it was almost exactly a year ago that I posted my first song/video and I wrote about how scary it was to do that. Now it is not scary and as a comment said last year, "Next scary thing will be to look into the camera while you sing :)." No problem now, though that is in part related to the song I suppose.

#4 - Spending much of my morning reading Jewelweed by David Rhodes.

#5 - Trying to figure out my schedule for the work exchange I do at the yoga studio and laughing instead of becoming frustrated with the complete communication catastrophe that seems to be going on between me and the other person who does this via email. I just need to talk to her on the phone. I just left a message.

Bonus Ted Video

Worthiness

Recently someone congratulated me on accomplishing my goal of playing an open mic every other month this year, (I "only had one left and still had two months to complete it"). Note - I learned one way to make me flip out is to congratulate me for completing something that is not finished. I want to be worthy of the congratulations.

I've been hoping to have a new song to play for my last one, but I haven't written any in months, so I specifically sat down Tuesday evening with the intention of writing a song. I started at least. The theme/repeating line of the song is "If I had the worth." I guess it has been a while coming.

I watched this "Help Desk" video clip with Deepak Chopra a couple months back. A woman was asking about how to enter a healthy relationship. Chopra told her to visualize a relationship - someone she knows or make him up. He then told her to "look them in their eyes and say mentally to them, "I love myself exactly as I am. I am a beautiful person. I am a lovely person. I love myself exactly as I am." Reinforce that. Look that person right in the eye and see the look of recognition in their eyes. Do this, you will attract the right person."

That was powerful for me, because I was surprised by how difficult it was. Do I love myself? Yes. Do I love myself exactly as I am? No. So do I really love myself? Hmm.

I'm reading Brene Brown right now and she asks, "Can we love others more than we love ourselves?" Brown doesn't want the answer to be No, but seems to have decided it is. She goes on to write -

"The greatest challenge for most of us is believing that we are worthy now, right this minute. Worthiness doesn't have prerequisites. So many of us have knowingly created/unknowingly allowed/been handed down a long list of worthiness prerequisites:

I'll be worthy when I lose twenty pounds.
I'll be worthy if I can get pregnant.
I'll be worthy if I get/stay sober.
I'll be worthy if everyone thinks I'm a good parent.
I'll be worthy when I can make living selling my art...


Here's what is truly at the heart of Wholeheartedness: Worthy now. Not if. Not when. We are worthy of love and belonging now. Right this minute. As is. (24)"

The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are: Your Guide to a Wholehearted Life

My list would begin more like:

I'll be worthy when I find a way to connect my gifts with a profession/income...
I'll be worthy when I feel confident of where my life is headed...

Without these things can I look someone in the eye and say I love myself exactly as I am? This moment? No. But I'm willing and that is what is required for change - willingness. I know even if I achieved whatever list I came up with, I would replace it with another, so I can chase a list my whole life, or learn to love the list I have.

I guess Chopra's meditation is a good place to begin.

When I sat down to write this, I began thinking of things I appreciated about my day, but the fact is they were thoughts not feelings. What felt relevant right now was exploring these ideas. So thanks for listening.

Tango Shoes

#1 – Being available and happy to watch my niece while my brother and sister-in-law picked up some furniture they found at the thrift store.

#2 – She had just woken up from a nap and was kind of clingy.  I put her down to cut the squash in half and stick it in the oven, but then I surrendered to making dinner later than I planned so I could enjoy some cuddle and story time with her.

#3 – My new strategy for cutting through a squash.  I take a butcher knife and gently bang on it with a mallet.  I ended up doing this last time because the knife got stuck in the squash and I could not get it out.  Today I just went straight for the mallet and wallah!

#4 – Watching my niece do her dance moves in her “tango shoes” to some boogey woogey song.

#5 – I am taking a writing and meditation class this month and one of our "homework" assignments this week was to find a short poem to memorize this month.  I hadn't found one yet and then I received a book I ordered in the mail today and I'm certain that will provide it.  My friend translated 100 of Pablo Neruda’s sonnets.  I can’t even begin to imagine the time and energy that must have gone into this creation.  It is mind boggling.