Pieces of Myself

I’m paying attention to buds on the trees
each day
I see how they’ve grown
I’m paying attention to when my breath is held
my pain body active
I’m paying attention to how the quiet outside is reflected
by the quiet
inside and how the birds
dance and call
I’m paying attention to the fear that holds me back
and the fear that propels me forward
and the fear that remains
I’m paying attention today
to the army of voices that has abandoned their weapons and now bask
in the sun
I’m paying attention to the sun,
when it creeps out, when it hides, how it comes into
a room
I’m paying attention to this room and how it holds me
I’m paying attention
to being held



*****************************************************************************************



Earlier in the week I came upon this

which led to me writing a poem, actually two, which I haven't done in a while. Yesterday I spent a couple hours playing guitar, which I haven't done in a while. Today I took a photo for this blog, which I haven't done in a while.

Pieces of myself that I'm glad to see again. Hopefully my soccer playing self will reappear this evening, despite the rain. I haven't seen her in a while either.

It's also been a long time since I've woken up on a Sunday with both some cleaning and grocery shopping done, which means I could get up and prepare food - split pea soup, pumpkin scones, lentil croquettes.

I also saw (while eating a delicious breakfast of steel cut oats, nuts, blackberries, dried cranberries and kiwi) in my Dad's Compassion and Choices magazine that a local legislator is sponsoring a bill to authorize the medical practice of aid in dying for terminally ill adults in Minnesota.

Quiet morning filled with the first thunderstorm of the year which pleasantly began right around the time I usually wake up. I laid in bed listening to the approaching rain and thunder.

Spring Day

#1 - Went on my first bike ride of the year on a beautiful spring morning to the sweet man's house. I've never biked over there before, it was a long ride for my first bike ride this year, but almost all flat. A good chunk of it was on bike trails too, which is awesome.

#2 - When I arrived the sweet man was just leaving, I got a quick kiss and then I played cards with his girls on the lawn. He was headed to his senate district convention for the day.

#3 - My brother, niece and nephew soon arrived on bikes after Japanese school and we all rode to the park. My niece was on one of those bikes with one wheel that attaches on the back and my nephew was in a bike seat on the front. They looked pretty cute.

#4 - We all ate the quinoa patties at the picnic table for dinner that the girls and I prepared earlier in the day. Then my niece had a great time searching for shells in the landscaping and then filling up water balloons.

#5 - The sweet man came home and started on the hitch project, he is still working on it right now in the dark. I'm glad he got started, it is so we can put a bike carrier on the back. His oldest let me watch while she did her math - order of operations. She got to one I disagreed on, then her Dad agreed with her, then he took it back. Suffice it to say, we are uncertain.

Feels Important

When my cousin was visiting a little over a year ago, she found Moon River, from the classic movie Breakfast at Tiffany's, out of a piano songbook and tried to learn it. I liked that song too, so at the beginning of last year I made it a goal to learn a song on the piano, which I hadn't done since I was a child. My structure was that I had to play the song once a day, sometimes it turned into more, but at least once. And after a few months I did learn the song.

My cousin didn't have a piano, but she got a keyboard for Christmas and it came with a music book. There were a couple songs in there that I really enjoyed (the keyboard could play the songs by itself). One of the songs I liked was Canon in D by Pachelbel. I checked out the score from the library, and started to learn it, but it was much longer than Moon River and soon I needed to return the music.

I recently checked the score out again and I haven't been playing often, but occasionally I try. Today while I was waiting for my food to bake I sat down at the piano and worked on it.

Last Sunday, I saw a writing instructor at the co-op. She recently got a piano and said she was spending too much time playing it. Such is life - when we don't have the enthusiasm to play piano or (insert your activity here), we lament that we can't get ourselves to do it, and then when we are instinctively drawn to something, we think we should be doing something else.

I was reminded of visiting my brother when he lived in Japan. I had nothing to write in my journal. Here I was in this foreign country with new experiences, and I had nothing to say. Instead I just kept doing these random doodles that I would color. Sometimes I tried to force myself to write something, but I just kept returning to the doodles.

Now I look back on that journal and love those doodles. I didn't have words then. It was fine.

I could say the same thing for many aspects of my life - playing guitar, exercising, camping...the beauty is to be grateful for the inspiration when we have it and to let go of it when it's gone. To allow space for such things, but not to force them.

I think carving the space is the hardest part, sometimes that space sits empty and you don't know why it is there.

We don't have much understanding of the importance of space. It doesn't matter if someone has a one, two or three car garage - it will get filled. It doesn't matter how big someone's closet is - it will get filled. The field will get planted or paved. The valley will get houses or industry. The soul will get words, and judgements and values.

And then sometimes you hide the little spaces that you carve out in your life,
because you know if they are hidden
no one can fill them.