Good-Bye

#1 - My niece's instant smile and happy face when she awoke beside me, the land of the living her simple presence nudges me to return to.

#2 - "When you are 6 can you spell?"  5 Year old niece

#3 - Seeing a smile of joy on the face of a boy playing chess.  He sat across from a man, who seemed to be someone other than his father (at least they didn't look alike), at the public library.

#4 - Last night I rested my head against a heartbeat and heard "Good-bye," "Good-bye" repeated over and over again. It wasn't angry, it just was.  I tried to switch the word in my mind but it was as if the heartbeat and that exact word were equivalent, it wouldn't change.  I didn't really know what it meant, is it good-bye to this person?  Good-bye to me?  Good-bye to what we were?  Good-bye to who we are now?

I still don't know.  But I did write a long poem of sorts today, each line beginning, "You said good-bye to me when..."

It needed to come out.

#5 - Taking a quick nap after writing that poem and the space in myself when I awoke again.

Shower?

#1 –I didn’t shower Thursday even though I did a sweaty exercise class.  I thought about showering last night (I’d also done some sweaty exercise yesterday), but I planned to go to  7:15AM hot yoga class so I would be drenched in sweat practically as soon as I woke up.  I thought, “What is the point?”

When I left yoga this morning, I was glad I’d brought a t-shirt which I switched for my soaked tank top.  Then I went grocery shopping.

Then I took a shower, which I actually really needed, so I appreciated it all the more.

#2 - This made me curious about how often people shower throughout the world so I looked it up and skimmed the article below.  It had this interesting tidbit which I actually often practice, but previously would never have admitted to anyone -

"When you do shower, use soap only on your underarms and groin area, not your entire body"

http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2015/03/07/daily-showering.aspx 

Also I have been meaning to replace my shower filter for a while and hoped to remember to buy a new one at the co-op next week.  This article clearly reinforced that idea.

#3 -   Doing some research for someone I love to help them find support.   We all need support. 

"It doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you," I reminded this love one recently.  "We are social beings, EVERYONE needs help."  It was clearly something they needed to hear.

 

#4-5 - When I invited a couple friends to go hear Glennon Doyle Melton speak last fall, one of them declined since Glennon’s blog is called “Momastery” and this friend didn’t have children.  I understood this and had doubts myself, but Elizabeth Gilbert recommended her and it was free, so I went.

What I discovered is the same thing I discovered as I finished reading her first book today– Carry on Warrior, Thoughts on Life Unarmed – it didn’t matter if I related to the particulars.  I once heard at a theater performance, “The more deeply you go into the personal, the more you tap into the universal.”  This is why I could read a passage about talking to another parent at a playground to a college student last night and she appreciated it, even though she is at a completely different stage in life.  As Glennon states, “And I realized the secret of my writing is this:  the voice I use to write is not really my voice.  It’s Love’s voice…And that’s why you recognize the voice.  Because you have the same voice inside you (251).”

Today's Mandala

#1 - Today's Mandala was inspired by some colored pencils I came across which had some new colors to play with.

#2 - I had a moment of anxiety while working on my taxes when I thought I'd made a mistake the past few years.  I called and patiently waited on hold for over an hour (with other things to do on the computer).  Then I happily discovered that I had not made an error.

#3 - I started reading Glennon Doyle Melton's first book yesterday and I'm trying to pace myself because I don't want to finish it too rapidly!

#4 - I'm playing a game, with the man I used to date, where we pretend we don't know each other.  It was an idea I was resistant too, but now is making me laugh.  I am almost nervous to meet him tomorrow and to see if I can keep it up.

#5 -  I asked a yoga teacher who I know is also a personal trainer about my abs because they are not normal since my surgery.  She said the superficial muscles have healed but it takes more time for healing internally (that surprised me because it is difficult to feel things internally, but that is how I would describe it).  She advised me exercises to do (which I have been mostly) and not do (which I should have known sooner but thankfully aren't things I've done often).

Beasts

#1 - I was upset earlier today when I looked up the three options for my health plan (I have to change in a couple months) and I did not see my clinic on any of them.  I specifically moved to that clinic a few years ago and want to stay there. 

Now though, a few hours later, I'm still going to inquire further and try to stay at my clinic, but I do at least know that another clinic my primary care doctor works at is an option.  So I should be able to switch there and still see her at least and

at least I will still have insurance.

#2 - I have a monthly volunteer gig that I started visiting a friend after in December. I needed to break the pattern of what I usually did after that activity as it was no longer an option.  So tonight went over to my friend's and it was so nice to talk to him.  Even though it was just a little over an hour, it was still a welcome visit and discussion.

#3 - There is a couples workshop I told him about at the end of next month that I am hoping to attend at a local meditation center.  He wrote it down as something he and his partner would maybe attend as well. "That would be so fun if you did!" I responded.

#4 - I just emailed him the info to remind him to consider it.

#5 - It would easily take more than one hand, probably more than two, to count all the relationships that have become strengthened for me because of the difficulties I've experienced the last couple of months.  It has been such a huge gift, opening to others while in pain, allowing them to care for you and support you, but also to grow with you.  I had one email from a friend today that began, "I think you're an objective source for this topic."  And another email from a friend that ended, "Resentment and anger over past events can be strong beasts in my experience. If you decide to continue on with M, I hope you find a beautiful way to slay those beasts together."

Amen