That's How the Light Gets In

"Do you play out?"

"No," I replied.

I asked myself again what I was doing as I felt more and more out of place. In order to calm myself I brought to mind the image of two soothing men.

The first was Jason Mraz.

"Beginner"

Beginner, beginner - Jason needed a reminder that we are all beginners so much he had the word tattooed on the outside of his upper arm.

It is not shameful to be a beginner, I remembered, it is brave.

The second was Lewis Howes who said that he used to be afraid to speak in front of a handful of people. He would stutter and stumble. He joined Toastmasters to work on this, and now, if he didn't tell that story, I would assume public speaking came naturally.

I started writing a new song a week and a half ago. It has one string tuned out of standard tuning, really by accident, and so I couldn't figure out the chords for a bridge. I'd thought about checking out a songwriting group for years, but now I finally had something I could bring to them and I noticed that the group wasn't in the calendar at all in December. Maybe the group is just taking a break in December, but maybe it is disbanding altogether? If I want to check it out I need to go now.

So I sat in circle of six older men, later joined by a couple women, talking about Nashville and songwriters and things entirely above my head. We went around, each sharing a song. I didn't want to apologize about my skill level, but I did say, "I'm a rudimentary guitar player and I have a song that I need help to find chords for the bridge."

And then I played.

The response was that I didn't need a bridge. That the song was hypnotic like Leonard Cohen.

"There is a crack in everything, that is how the light gets in," Leonard Cohen

When I chose 'light' as my word of the year, I selected it because I wanted something like 'playful'. Light is playful, but also so much more. A person who is a light in a field is a shining example, light isn't serious, light is the opposite of heavy, etc.

However, these words did not describe my year.

It wasn't until a yoga class a couple weeks ago that "light" made sense to me. Light illuminates the darkness. It shows what has been hidden. When things are revealed they can be faced, begin to heal. Hmmmm, as usual, my word of the year pulled a surprising punch. I had to scrap all those other meanings and go with this one.

But tonight, when someone said my song was hypnotic like Leonard Cohen I felt something else there. I felt an opening.

"There is a crack in everything, that is how the light gets in."

There seems to be lots of cracks right now, lots of glimmers of light. Sitting in a group of nine people - half of whom, at the end, announced where they will be "playing out" in the next couple weeks - sitting there, I allowed myself to be seen. My beginning self. My illuminating the darkness self. My self
that is cracking open a door
to peer in.

This is the Way

#1 - I added some photos of my niece's tool belt to this post and the last one.

#2 - I turned down the heat a little, so that when I came home, I could turn up the heat a little and engage in one of my favorite cold weather simple pleasures - relaxing by the heating vent, not just for the normal short heating cycle, but for an extended one.

#3 - Though when I got home from my community ed exercise class I had no need to turn it up. It was the last night until the class resumes in January and apparently our instructor wanted it to be memorable. We did a "hack" squat with weights and I literally got stuck in the bottom. It was little scary, but I also started laughing because I didn't have the muscle to push myself up again. I'm going to be sore tomorrow.

#4 - I have another couple nights in an Iowa cabin on the calendar. Last year that plan painfully did not turn out as expected, but still ended up being filled with beauty with my sister-in-law and nephew. It's a precarious thing trying again - different park, different cabin, same man.

#5 - The second episode of a damn good podcast came out.

This is the Way: a memoir of poetry and heroin
By Chris Jansen

I already read the manuscript, so I thought I could listen to it while working. I was wrong, too riveting.

It is written from a world both completely alien to me and yet at the same time completely familiar. A world of drugs and pain, searching and loneliness, desperation and compassion.

I tunes

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Trials and Toolbelts

#1 - My niece's "toolbelt" which she created out of paper etc. It held a pencil, a small notebook (which she also made), a sword (which she also made), some rolled up "POLICE LINE DO NOT CROSS", and at least five other things that I don't know what they were. It was secured around her waist via velcro. I'll try to post a photo later.

#2 - We held the trial for my niece. I represented the "Fun Police" whose motto is "No Fun For Everyone". I had prepared in advance my testimony with all of her recent fun infractions and the community service that she failed to complete (making three fun police badges). The judge gave her the chance to complete the badges in 20 minutes before offering a more harsh sentence. She was able to complete the task in time. I'm not sure if the trial was worth the time I put into it, but she did say she wanted another trial later, so maybe it was.

#3 - Finding that my 2 year old nephew could be distracted from plastic toy guns by reading him stories. I am not a fan of toy guns at all and once he discovered them it didn't look like anything would distract him. But we were alone in the basement so I grabbed a book, and for a while at least, that was all it took.

#4 - Anger is a tricky emotion. It is so often misused, but in fact it has an important role, which is protection. I was annoyed at being angry again today in relation to things we are working through in my relationship. "How long is this going to keep popping up?" I asked myself. As I walked towards my soccer game a teammate asked, "How are you?"

"Good," I automatically said, then continued, "Actually I'm pretty angry but 'good' is the word that came out."

Which led to a simple, but supportive, conversation.

Then on the sidelines waiting for our game to start I asked another teammate if he'd gotten ahold of our mutual friend. He'd emailed a few weeks ago asking if I had this guy's phone number. I wasn't sure if I did, but I gave him what I had and it turns out they went to a play together last night called something like "Luther on trial." The friend is a Lutheran pastor and the play actually sounded quite interesting. For example, one of the witnesses is Adolf Hitler, because apparently, Martin Luther later in life said some pretty anti-semitic things.


#5 - I've had a lot to write about this past year, but I haven't done a whole lot of writing. Besides one weekend workshop this summer, nothing has jumped out at me. Just now though I received an email from a woman whom I did writing and meditation with two years ago. I love the two of those together but she did not continue because of a lack of interest. I just received an email from her looking for interest in a once a month writing/meditation group for next year. I told her I'd love to.

Exhibit A

#1 - The feeling of peace and satisfaction I felt when I opened the bottom right drawer of my dresser. I cleaned/organized 6 of the drawers of my dresser this afternoon.

#2 - Starting the day with a morning yoga class with a friend and after that having zero plans - thereby having time to do simple things at home like organize a dresser.

#3 - Being reminded of the Happy Cow website - I should use this whenever I go somewhere new to look for vegetarian/healthy restaurant options. I used it a long time ago but forgot all about it. I'm also reminded to use it when I fall into a restaurant rut at home.

#4 - Seeing Halloween photos of my niece as a pirate and nephew as an astronaut.

#5 - Ordering prints of those photos, as well as a few others, to use for the trial for my niece that I am scheming. She was assigned some community service by the "Fun Police" (the last few months she clearly surpassed the allowable fun threshold), and she has not completed it. So I have the thought to summons her for a court appearance. Those photos could be "Exhibit A". I consulted the guy I'm dating to play the part of either a judge or a lawyer today. I plan on asking his daughters this week if they'd be willing to play the other parts.