Whirlpools of Pain

I was talking with someone today who was really upset and wondering about how to continue feeling this way.  As I waited for the computer to turn on to write this I grabbed the guitar and thought, "I wished they played the guitar, it can be so meditative and soothing."  And then I remembered that the whole reason I started playing the ukulele, and then the guitar, was feeling crappy and this Rumi poem came to mind,

"Today

 like every other day

we wake up empty and frightened

don't open the door to the study

and begin reading

take down a musical instrument

let the beauty we love

be what we do

there are 100's of ways to kneel 

and kiss the ground."

Rumi

And I thought of the beauty that has been born, over many years from that feeling of emptiness. 

And I thought about how I started writing gratitudes, eight years ago, because I was so fed up with the lack of gratefulness in my life.

So painful feelings can sprout great beauty.

But they can also become whirlpools of pain.  Which way will it go?  When will the current be enough to change things?  When will there be sufficient rain to modify the flow of water?  And what do we do when we see another stuck within?  Most likely a bucket or a hose would not be enough.  Is there another way to disrupt the current?

Sometimes just being able to sit with them at the edge of the water is all one can offer.

Sometimes it's enough.

***

I sat and meditated for 10 minutes today.   A couple days ago I forgot for the first time in three months and I actually really missed it.  It is finally a nourishing practice for me.  Even though my mind goes bonkers, to reduce stimuli and rest in that space.  The clarity that comes with fighting the stillness, but resting in it nonetheless.  Yesterday I did a meditation on a tree (watching fall colors turn once a week - another assignment from my writing and meditation class).  So today was the first time I closed my eyes and sat in a couple days and I really needed it.

I also had a family member send me an email asking for the poem I called her with on the phone a couple weeks ago.  I couldn't recall which poem I shared, but when I asked she told me enough that I could find it to send.

I've been doing some stretches before I get out of bed the last week or so.  It's actually a really nice way to wake up.  I mean it helps to wake me up, but it also offers the luxury of staying in bed a bit longer.

Nahko

"And when the rain comes, 

put your hand in the dirt

 this is where you came from." 

 Nahko

Yesterday I had my writing and meditation group/class so I was officially finished with chose a small thing to do every day for a month, however, I did not make it through my address book so I plan to continue reading a different person a poem each day until I do.

The person that is up today (I'm on the letter "J") is a former manager.  I've never called him since working there, but he does on occasion check up on me through email.  During lunch (without any contact from me) he emailed me to ask me, "how is it going?"   I looked through my email to see when the last time we communicated was.  It was May.

I also opened my email to this message this AM, "Thank you for the poetry reading. What a lovely surprise to find in my voicemail." 

I've been enjoying listening to music today.  Mostly Nahko and Medicine for the People which is a group I was exposed to in a concert on Friday night. Here are two of my favorites right now. 

I also love his term "fully loaded poet" in "It Is Written".  It is fun to envision a poet as a superhero - that is the energy I get in that song.  And I think it's true - poets can set a vision for a future, change the trajectory of a culture - become the next action superhero - that is a move I want to see!

 This was the opening number from the show.

https://genius.com/Nahko-and-medicine-for-the-people-directions-lyrics

Family Tree

This morning I had a soccer game and my niece came along.  She wanted to race me before the game, and then run up and down the bleachers.  It was the best warm up I've had.

Yesterday was my youngest cousin's birthday, a couple days prior his sister emailed me to see if I would come.  My brother and his family said they'd go too if we went Sunday, which actually worked out better.

When we arrived today my uncle asked, "Michael didn't come?"  We really only decided to go Friday evening, Michael has never even met the cousin whose birthday it was, and it wouldn't have worked out with his schedule with his kids, but I still thought it was inclusive of my uncle to assume he might/would.

I was happy to get some quality time talking to my eldest cousin.  I haven't had time with her to talk much in the last year or more and I miss it.  We got to discuss her wedding plans and other things going on in her life.

We also played a family soccer game in the backyard.  Different people kept taking breaks so the teams kept shifting, but my brother and I remained on the field throughout.

I also read my poem a day (one I'd written about Donald Trump) to one of my cousin's boyfriends.

Call on the Wolves

I didn't post this weekend because I was at a music festival.  Here is one of my highlight songs.

https://music.lovedustinthomas.com/track/call-on-the-wolves

"It's going to take a queen to lead.

It's going to take a king to bow."

Dustin Thomas