Nothing Belongs to Me

#1 - I submitted a piece of writing to my favorite magazine.  It would never have occurred to me in this instance, but the woman who led the group where I wrote about the cat situation a couple weeks ago suggested it.

#2 - My partner said he almost collapsed when he got the call yesterday that a job he was excited about, and a finalist for, went to the internal candidate.  They assured him it wasn't anything missing in his abilities or qualifications, but it is still hard news.  A bit after he told me I felt like throwing up.  I started to feel that way again upon waking today, but at least we both slept well last night.  #3 - He is going to a birthday party this afternoon which should be good medicine, to be around friends/support.  #4 - It is also helpful to just do something, in my case today cleaning the bathrooms and washing the kitchen floor. 

#5 - When I opened my email there was  message from the librarian that leads a monthly poetry group.  His writing is like Rumi and he often sends us new poems along with the meeting  reminder.  Today's poem was perfect medicine.  I'll ask him permission to reprint it, for now I'll just share the beginning.

NOTHING BELONGS TO ME

 

I am filled
with gratitude
for nothing belongs 
to me –
that is how
I know I am
free....

Guthema Roba 

or maybe then again, 

that is enough 

in itself.

It's All Downhill

There is a book called Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Sue Johnson.  I started reading it a year or so ago, but soon stopped, it was too good.  I wanted to mark too many pages.  I had too much I wanted to go back to, discuss, share.  I wanted to read it together.

I listened to an interview with the author.  She says that when one partner vies for connection and doesn't receive it, this can lead into a negative pattern.  This is definitely true in my relationship.  When there is disconnection everything is amplified and simple statements can be taken as weapons.

My partner and I disconnected on Wed. eve.  Since that connection has not yet been re-established we tread on rocky ground.  When I accidently shattered a glass bowl on the kitchen floor this morning, it seemed fitting.  Something sharp needs cleaning up.

Before moving in together, we agreed, we wouldn't go multiple days without reconnecting.  It is fine to be upset and need some space, but we wouldn't let this drag on.

Maybe we should have been more specific on that timeline?  I don't know.  It's all a journey.  One I am grateful to be on, even when it's a bumpy one.

I did at least start my day on a positive note.  There is free outdoor morning yoga at a park a couple miles from me every day during the summer.  Today was the first day I checked it out.  I'd love to add that to my schedule once a week.  I'm happy to have had someone to bike with and even decide for us to take the slightly long way home. 

I also found a restaurant that has vegetarian options in the small town I will be at soon for my cousin's wedding.

Writing to the Rescue

On Tuesday my partner's cat had a compete urinary obstruction which required an expensive intervention or immanent death.  I agonized in one vet's office and then the second for 6 hours total trying to decide what to do.  I had minimal communication with my partner via satellite text which he brings for emergencies as he was on his annual solo wilderness camping trip.

There sat I, who never wanted the cat in the first place, deciding to either spend a substantial chunk of my laid off partner's money, or kill the cat.

Luckily in the end my partner made the decision.

The cat is doing better, however both the financial concerns, and concerns that this will happen again remain.

That is the backdrop.

The gratitude was I was able to spend two hours this afternoon writing about it with 5 other women who were also deeply processing challenges in their own lives.  And that though some of those challenges felt a great deal more immense than my own, they still empathized and audibly responded to my words.  I left feeling lighter and so happy I was both able and took the opportunity to do this.  As I left the leader, who I have written with on and off for years, said something to me like, "I'm so happy that you and Michael worked out."

I had seen this situation as another potential deep difference between the two of us.  She saw us together working thru life.

I guess both would be true.

And that cat just jumped upon my lap, and I encouraged it, because somebody had to take care of him this week and it was me. And though I have not changed my opinion on expenditures and pets, I do feel a bit more empathetic.