The Little Pond

This grainy photo was taken from our bedroom window. We have a small flood prevention pond across the street.  Last year with Co-Vid some neighbors have gotten creative and on occasion I'd see some kids out there.  This year our next door neighbor spent hours clearing the ice on Thursday and again Monday.  And then another neighbor sent out a text to meet on the ice at 2pm today.  They had a little fire, music, beverages and cookies.  I had thought I should go over sometime to appreciate the effort our neighbor put into clearing the ice and it looked like the kids were skating pretty smoothly, so I headed over.

It was mostly the kids doing the skating, but eventually a few adults joined us. The guy who cleared off the ice was clearly a hockey player.  I think of hockey as an unappealing/brutal sport, but when I watch the skaters without the aggression I see such grace, that was on display today. 

One of the moms I know a little better than the others because Michael's daughters occasionally babysit for her kids.  I feel like when we talk at these little gatherings our conversations stem a bit beyond the superficial, as they did today, which I appreciate.

I really hardly know any of our neighbors, but overall I have the impression that they are a great group of people and I am so appreciative of that.

We may or may not be moving in the next year, and if we do, I know this pond will be one thing I miss, these neighbors another.

 

Grateful Decisions

 # 1 - I had a hard time falling asleep last night - going in and out of bed a few times.  After a couple hours I grabbed a book and went into the living room and read.  I had the string of holiday lights on and it was peaceful.  The only real problem was my thoughts, "I should be asleep," or "I am going to be tired tomorrow."  

The only problem was really my mind.

#2 - The book I was reading is The Best American Travel Writing 2018 edited by Cheryl Strayed.  I am enjoying the variety.  Last night's story took place in Canada, Prince Edward Island and was focused on foxes and the author's (then unknown) brain tumor.

#3 - I signed up yesterday to do an early morning yoga with the local studio on Zoom, so I still got up early and did something that felt good, once again enhanced by the string of holiday lights.

#4 - Seeing multiple neighbors clearing off the small pond across the street - for skating I assume?

#5 - Michael and I planned another Xmas holiday without extended family.  Last year the 4 of us went to a camper cabin at a state park because of Co-Vid.  This year some members of our extended family chose not to vaccinate, so we decided during the summer to just be the 2 of us (the girls will be with their mom), with the current Co-Vid situation I'm grateful for that decision.

Low Lights

Well I took advantage of the weird weather, and record high, and took a jog today -  and my knee is still holding up well.  It was foggy and warm and now the lightning has begun for this strange winter (but not winter-like) weather.

I felt a little light-headed late afternoon so after dinner I laid on the couch and Michael cleaned up the kitchen. He had also left the dining room light off while we ate which I appreciated.  I put up a string of holiday lights in the dining room, but usually he wants more light to eat.

Oh and this morning he came into the dining room and said, "I was about to pick a fight about the kitchen sink..." but then he had decided not to. The kitchen, especially in the morning, can be a room of stress/contention so it was nice to hear him recognize his annoyance at something, and then decide not to feed it.

We sat on the couch for a little bit after dinner, with just the string of holiday lights on in the dining room and the eerie quiet outside. I love low lighting in the evening - how it quiets everything - including the mind.

Booster

I got my Co-Vid booster yesterday and am a bit under the weather today. I've enjoyed a more low key day which includes working from the couch and watching the fresh snow out the front window on the trees and pond across the street. It's a gentle snow that muffles sounds and makes things feel peaceful.

I called my cousin when I needed a little rest/break and we talked about a fight she had recently with her sister (I'd already talked to her sister). She thought I took her sister's side. I thanked her for telling me that and reassured her that I loved her and that cared about her feelings. I think by the end of the conversation she understood that.

Oh and my knee which was really starting to concern me because it didn't seem to be getting better, took a turn for the better late last week. I hesitantly played soccer Sunday, fearful it might set the healing back, but it's two days later and it still seems ok.

Little Gratitudes

 #1  - I've been limiting my activity the past couple months because of my knee.  I seemed to have found a simple motion of laying on my back and flexing and extending the foot that seems to help, or it's just time, either way it is feeling better.

#2 - I woke up early today and wasn't falling back asleep, I thought it was the middle of the night still, but after not too long Michael's alarm went off.  

#3 - I have an outdoor walk scheduled with a friend tomorrow on an unseasonably warm last day of November.

#4 - Michael got his booster shot today.  

#5 - I marked a handful of items as "complete" for work today, getting them off the list.  And I don't really like watermelon, but I tried a Watermelon Wonder kombucha and I enjoyed it.  It had other flavors beside watermelon and I appreciated something different.

A Christmas Carol?

 #1 - My niece asked my brother about going to see A Christmas Carol (and out to eat before) at the Guthrie theater like we used to do with grandpa.  I started to cry when I read the message and was glad she wanted to continue a tradition of my dad's, even if I have no particular desire to see that play again.

She's not quite fully vaccinated though and many of the less expensive performances only have individual seating remaining.  So we might have to put it off, this really bummed me at first, but the Co-Vid numbers are quite high in Minnesota right now so it might be for the best to wait.  And since it's not something I really want to do every year, it will be ok to wait and at least still do it at some point.

#2 - I walked in the bathroom this AM and Michael said with a scowl, "I'm feeling frustrated," and I thought, "Oh god..." But then he told me what had frustrated him (how I'd haphazardly put the fans in the attic) and said, "Would you be willing to..."  He asked so kindly I immediately responded,

"Yes."

#3 - And he was happy to get an instant yes.

I was about to leave for a walk with a friend but I thought about it when I got groceries, how I wanted to take care of it as soon as I got home.  

And I did.

#4 - I skipped soccer again today because something is up with my knee, so I was grateful my friend was available to walk and get me outside.  There is/was a strong wind so it seemed unappealing, but having someone to walk with is motivating.

#5 - The fridge already seemed pretty full with a turkey thawing before I went grocery shopping, so I'm grateful the food actually fit (and that I am blessed enough to have this problem).

Ruts and Snowflakes

#1 - We went to the credit union for the 2nd time today to add my name to a joint bank account with Michael. The first time we returned home because we didn't have an appt. Today we returned home because they needed to do a credit check and I have security freezes to prevent identity theft. Sigh. Luckily we are not in a tight position time wise.

#2 -I've had some swelling in my knee so I walked while Michael jogged this AM. It was cloudy, but at one point there was this strip of clear light that felt captivating over the lake.

#3 - It's still a work in progress, but when I don't feel heard by Michael, I try to stop and mirror him/make sure he is feeling heard.  Most of the time, if I'm not feeling heard he isn't other, and it can prevent us from descending down a tunnel.

#4 -I am watching the first snowflakes fall and playing a little guitar with Storyhill to cleanse my energy. I can feel it caught on a rut and I need to move the dial.

#5 - My sister-in-law is back from her first solo trip to Japan in over 10 years (since having kids) and I look forward to hearing about it/possibly tomorrow.

The Clutter of the Mind

Almost anytime I listen to Tolle it is a gratitude for me, so this video in general is one. Specifically he spoke about a virus of sorts in thinking in the beginning of the video and some people losing the ability to engage in rational thought. 

 Also minutes 32:40-36 - where he speaks about kids growing up with the virtual world being more important to them than the physical world. So well said and my thoughts exactly. 

And then Rubin's response right after at 36:40. AMEN! "It's not just that we are being inundated with other people's thoughts, but that we are never giving ourselves the space, the moments where in the old days if you said, you were going to meet your friend at the restaurant, well if you went to the restaurant first and they weren't there, you might have to sit for a few moments. You might have to perhaps talk to somebody else, but you might have to just stand and look around and think and see people, where now we don't do that at all." Dave Rubin

Also I got a comic book of sorts from the library called Sex is a Funny Word, I knew I woudln't have time to read the whole thing to my niece and nephew, so I chose the chapter on touching. The book addresses it really well - lighthearted all kinds of touching. My niece and nephew thought the part with the smooching aunts that come to the child's birthday party was hilarious and asked me to read it a couple times.

In the part about unwanted touching my nephew told me there is a girl behind him in line that often pinches him but he's too shy to tell the teacher. One of the last words I would use to describe my nephew is shy so this really surprised me.

Then the book gets to "secret touching" and that if anyone ever tells you to keep touching a secret that is wrong and it is NOT your fault and to tell someone you trust. So we talked about people they could tell and this part seemed to go over the head of my nephew, but my niece seemed to soak it in.

Singing

 My friend Conie was hosting an online Zoom event for her Biracial and Rural - - storytelling and community singing event.

https://www.givemn.org/story/Biracialandrural

My niece is not growing up rural, but she is growing up biracial and so Conie asked me to invite her and my sister-in-law too.  Everyone else on the Zoom were adults.  I figured my 10 year old niece may get bored, but is mature and at minimum would sit thru it.  

Not only did she sit thru it, after her response was, "That was fun."

"What did you like about it?" me.

"I liked the songs."

I did too. I realized as I sat beside her - I've done a wide variety of activities with my niece, but I don't think I've ever done any singing!  It was so fun to sing with her and it made me want to think of ways that we can sing more together.

I also asked her after, if she's experienced a feeling of "being different".  She said, "I'm kind of surprised when people think I only eat sushi everyday. We eat spaghetti too."

"Who thinks that?"

"Two people at school."

 My nephew also participated by putting on various costumes and dancing in the background.  I gave him a time out of the room at one point for being loud and distracting, but overall he kept his shnanagins quiet enough that we could still participate.

I'm glad also that I asked my sister-in-law about her sister before I left. She is going to Japan soon and it will be the first time since her sister died, so though I'm sure she is excited to see her family, I'm sure it will carry a great deal of grief too.  She responded that today was that sister's birthday.

I'm glad I asked.

March March

 #1 - My brother sent me the link to Gaslighting by The Chicks yesterday and I was enthralled with that song and Sleep at Night. I also listened to March March - which was obviously so relevant when it came out, but I totally missed this album last year, but still resonates now. 

The quote that begins the video I saw today 

 "If your voice held no power they wouldn't try to silence you" unknown 

  

 #2 - It's hard to remember now as it is turning cool and rainy (which we need), but I started this AM biking to free outdoor yoga which continues, because we've had such a warm fall.  The sky and trees were beautiful and the lake felt peaceful with all the boats stored away for the winter.

#3 - Today I noticed resentment building in me so I went to Michael to talk it.  I am willing to be the "adult" for his daughter this weekend while both he and his ex are out of town, but the fact that not a single, "thank you," had of yet been uttered was starting to get on my nerves. I realized I was expecting that in the least and annoyed when asked about additional things to take her to this weekend.  So I spoke to Michael about it and he was receptive and apologized.

#4 -It was during this that I realized a bigger issue. It reminded me that we need many more positive comments to balance out negative ones.  And that it is hard to be receptive to negative comments or constructive feedback when we are not receiving positive ones to balance this out.  I just found a Harvard Business Review article that says ideally you have 6 positive to 1 constructive criticism and John Gottman - marriage researcher who says similar 5 to 1!

#5 - Usually Michael's daughters split emptying the dishwasher - one does the top rack and the other the bottom.  The eldest is gone this week, so the youngest asked, "Should I do both?"

"Yes, that would be great."

Random Gratitudes

#1 - I felt faster than usual on my jog today, may or may not have been true. It helps to jog in a different neighborhood, I'm trying to get the sense of different areas for our potential move. My niece ran a 6 1/2 minute mile and I've been wondering if I could jog an 8 minute mile.

#2 - It's sad to hear that now professional women soccer players are talking about sexual misconduct, but I'm glad they are feeling supported.

#3 - I finally was able to do a test order and website walk thru with a guy for work. I've tried tracking him down a few weeks and has not been available when he said he would be twice before.

#4 - I created a separate folder for homes going on sale so they aren't overwhelming my inbox which is going WAY better. I don't know why it took me so long but all those messages would stress me out and now I can just look when I want to. It seems prices may be lowering a little there was a 4 bed (1 in basement), 2 bath, 2 car garage in a pretty good location in our price range today. I drove by it and it looked ok. The majority of home may still be 1 bath or 2 bed or on a busy street...that pop up, but it's still good to see.

(Never mind I looked at that house online today and now it is $100,000 more, not sure if the original price was a mistype or what. #5 - I think I know how I'm voting on everything on the ballot this year except rent control. I'm happy to find my park commissioner voted for the Lake Hiawatha master plan which I am excited about (though the vote failed).

Physics Help

It's probably been a good 10+ years ago now that my cousin was visiting and needed help with her high school Math homework. I briefly looked at it, and thought the mental energy that would be required for me to be able to assist was more than I could muster. So I called a friend of mine, Matt who loves Math and Physics, "Is there any chance you could help today, or tomorrow. We will come to your place or meet your anywhere, anytime...?" He came to us and assisted her and was so kind and positive.

Yesterday Michael's eldest asked him if I could ask Matt to come help her as she'd done poorly on a Physics test that she wanted to retake. Matt had helped her with something once before. I was trying to think if we were asking too much, but upon reflection, the other time he helped her was at least a couple years ago, because it was before Co-Vid. So knowing it had been at least that long, I thought maybe we could offer him dinner so I called him to ask. When he called back he was so generous, and kind of dismissive of the dinner (as in he didn't need it). He said he enjoys it and it will be nice to visit us as well.

So first of all I'm obviously grateful for that.

Second of all I'm grateful for his type of friendship. We are friends because after college 5 of us (including him) lived in a house together for a year as full-time volunteers.

And that may have been more or less the end of that, but it's really the small activity of soccer that keeps us in each other's lives. For the past 8 or so years we've played on the same recreational team. Those weekly interactions are pretty small and superficial. We don't "hang" out or see each other otherwise. However, he is more than willing to help when a person in my life is having difficulty with Physics. I am grateful for friendships that come in various shapes and sizes. And I'm grateful that someone in my life thinks the one class I hated enough to drop in high school is "fun".

Then I'll add a gratitude that I heard Michael today start to make some sort of comment while making lunch that may have leaned towards critical to me, but catch himself and redirect his comment to be positive.

Finally, I am experiencing some unpleasant gas today and I am grateful to be working in our dining room alone, with the windows open.

You Are Loved by The Light Parade

I started out listening to Storyhill today and the playlist led me to a couple new artist/songs that were balms to my day - in case anyone else could use it too...

"The Stable Song" - Gregory Alan Isakov with the Colorado Symphony (offi...

Unusual Soccer Move

 These are my soccer strengths

• I have a good sense of where other players are on the field
• I pass well - accurate and the right intensity
• Fairy good defender

These are my soccer weaknesses

• Almost zero dribbling/ball skills
• I can not kick it hard - as in corner kicks or goal scoring
• Therefore I'm almost useless as forward except to pass to someone else 

This is why it was so remarkable today, when I somehow got the ball past a person or two, and even then pulled it back (almost a ball skill) and then passed it to my teammate who has beautiful footwork skills. Even my team knew how unusual it was as one of them on the sidelines yelled out, "Tammy going down the alley!" or something like that.  (I really wanted to remember what he said, but alas I do not.) Anyway this brief moment of feeling like a skilled soccer player was very fulfilling and also led to me quickly call a sub as it tired me out.

In fact my entire team passed and played together really well today and it is so fun when that happens, when a group of individuals works well together.  And it's only the 2nd week of the session and they have all paid me - which also doesn't often happen.  (I sign up the whole team and then they reimburse me.)

When I was explaining all this to Michael I realized that one of the reasons I may think I'm good at passing the ball is that people on my team always expect me to pass it.  With the more skilled players on the field, you might not be ready for a pass from them, because if they can take it down the field past people they will.  But with me, 95% of the time you know if Tammy has the ball she is going to pass it, so they are always ready for my passes, which means it makes it look like I am a good passer.

So maybe my passing skills look better than they are...oh well...

On a different topic, Michael printed out a spreadsheet with a budget and estimated home costs for me to review and spend some time with.  I find this whole home ownership prep quite perplexing and difficult to understand.  I think this will be helpful. 

And I got some late season raspberries at the Farmer's Market that were delicious.

Disorganized or Perfectionist?

Michael signed us up for a, I'm not sure what you'd call it, a virtual 5k?, thru his work.  Basically you run/walk and then send in a photo.  I'm not really sure the details. We did the jog/walk this AM.  We did a little sprint at the end and a woman said, "I think she won," which is at least the 2nd time we've been jogging and an older woman has cheered me on :).

After that we did our attempt at a weekly money discussion trying to get on the same page with buying a house etc.  (I say attempt as we have been doing it, but last week I was camping and the week before he was camping, and a couple other weekends in Aug we were on camping/trips as a family.  So we are trying to get back on schedule now.) Anyway our discussion today went really well.  At one point it began to go sour, but we just paused for a moment and were able to redirect in a positive manner.

We are both going to consult some resources to try to find someone who knows more about owning property as tenants in common (which allows for unequal ownership).  I know about it in general, but I would like someone with more expertise to consult. 

When we were talking about the inheritance of a home, say if we both died in a car accident, Michael completely heard me backwards about what I'd like to happen with my "share".  Fortunately I restated it in a way that made us realize the misunderstanding which put him at ease.

Then another thing that has been on pause the past month and a half is going thru the house. I want to go thru the house, before, we move to get rid of things we no longer want or need.  We were making good progress in July and then the aforementioned camping trips etc happened so that has been on hiatus.  Today I pointed out to Michael (because I am the nag on this), that he likes the results of this work and to remember that. He agreed.  He was describing me as disorganized - because for example in the tool closet/area in the basement, I just want to get things on the shelf and he wants to think it thru.  I showed my file cabinet/closet etc and said I am not disorganized, however I definitely am also not a perfectionist.  I think both he and my parents were/are perfectionists.  They either can have something be a disaster or be perfect, and will let their need for perfection prevent them from making something better. I don't care if it is perfect, so I will hastily clean something up to get it to a level of acceptability. This made sense to Michael and he ultimately agreed with me that this was a better description.

 

The Old/New House

 If you happen to peak back at my post from July 10th, you'll see this home is looking much happier now!

I stopped by about a month ago as my dentist is still near my dad's to take some photos.  Habitat was working on it so I hesitantly approached the house and the site manager, once I told him who I was, was so happy to talk to me.  He spent an hour giving me a tour of all the work they'd done. 

They were clearly having some fun with it as they'd framed this old wallpaper with a "Save" sign written on the wall.

I asked if I could bring my brother's family sometime and he said, "Monday - Friday 9-3 I'm here."  So we waited a few weeks so we could see the next phase and visited today.

 

 

 I was crying when I posted those photos of the dilapidated house, and now I'm crying because I'm so grateful for all these people and all the work that they have done.  They are taking such good care of it and putting in an immense amount of time and energy.

And somehow, despite the fact that they've been working on this house for a few months.  Today of all days, while we just happened, to be there, they pulled out the bottom drawer in the the hallway and found STUFF STORED UNDER IT!!

Do you see this pile of crap in my backseat?  I am going to start having nightmares again about finding more stuff that we had left to clean out in that house!!

While we were looking thru the house I threw the pile in my old bedroom to take away. My old high school comforter is one of the things in that pile.  It is going in the trash.  I don't even want to think about any of that stuff anymore.

After we left my brother's family was going to the nearby thrift store (which is the best).  I went too and ended up getting caught up there.  I haven't shopped for clothes since before Co-Vid with the exception of a raincoat for the Boundary Waters camping and new underwear.  Anyway, I found a tennis skirt - which I never had interest in until I realized they have spots to hold tennis balls which could be useful - so I'm going to try one.  I also found a dress that I wasn't able to try on, so who knows if I'll like it, and a few other things.

THEN I went to the grocery store, hungry and on the way out saw a key lime pie.  I remembered back in high school when I was dogsitting for my friend's family and I got an entire pie at Baker's Square and how luxurious it felt.  Not because I want to eat a whole pie, but rather because you knew NO ONE else was going to!  There was no hurry!  And I am home alone this weekend and that sounded so great, just to have it in there and if I want to eat a piece great, but for the next 72 hours I will not think, "If I don't have a piece it will be gone."

And THEN I came home and saw the theater 4 blocks away from us, which has been closed for a year and a half, sent a flyer.  I haven't had any inkling to be in a space like that, but I saw a couple things that interested me, so I looked up their Co-Vid policy and it said vaccination or a negative Co-Vid test was required to enter.

Then I saw that the show tomorrow is a comedian.  I have wanted to go to a live comedian for years!  I am hesitant though as I don't want raunchy comedy, I want G rated comedy.  Well the opener for tomorrow's show I recognized as someone that went to my college, so I looked up the main performer and listened to about 4 minutes of her show.  Her first joke was about Costco, I'm in.

All Star Park and Rec Tennis Instructor

 

 

#1 - One of the benefits of co-parenting is that pretty much whenever we get home from a trip or camping, it is time for the girls to go over to their mother's.  Therefore after getting home from camping on Sunday, I didn't have to motivate myself to get groceries.  Michael and I could eat what is leftover in the fridge, freezer or garden. That was the case Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday...today I got some groceries and made an actual dinner.

 #2 - I have the most dedicated park and rec tennis instructor imaginable.  His name is Dave, and I'd recommend him to anyone.  On Tuesday it was raining and there was a possibility our lesson would be cancelled.  Dave sent out a text to let us know it was a 50/50 chance of lessons that day.  Dave knows I don't have a cell phone, so he sent me an email saying the same.

 Today he sent this message

 "Hey Tammy,

I just realized I didn't update this email for you. I'm glad you made
it, but I'm sorry for making it a question mark for you."

It had stopped raining, it was dry outside, I went to tennis. TWO DAYS LATER he  thinks to apologize for not updating me.  He teaches FIVE days a week. He probably has 50+ students, and a job and kids!  Really Dave it's not necessary.  He also threw in a comment, which is helpful as I do wonder if I should be in a lower level.

#3 - "It's really cool watching you play singles -- you hit very well and very
defensively when those baseline bombers come after you, eventually
wearing them down :)

-Dave"

He gives this amount of care and attention to everybody! He is a gem in the park and rec land.  (Really he just truly clearly loves tennis.)

#4 - It was good to, for the second time this week, hear thunderstorms and rain with our drought.  Michael went out and cleaned the gutter in the street that was plugged up. And cool air is coming in the windows.

#5 -  Michael is excited about the new scale he is getting. It has lots of measurements and it keeps track of it all.  I am excited that he says he will get rid of the old one, that is what matters to me, not accumulating more things!