And I Understood - A Little

 #1 - My aunt called today and though I know she loves me greatly, she has never really been a big emotional support or someone I confide in.  However, today I told her I was struggling and she surprised me and held me with her voice.

#2 - I struggled in a conversation - or multiple phone conversations with my brother today. At one point he really wasn't feeling heard, I stepped back and tried again and it helped.

#3 - My friend last night told me Saturn and Venus were conjunct and what was going on in my life was a perfect reflection of what was going on in the sky, and I don't know how this can be true but it is not the first time.

#4 - Being able to cry, some people might wish they could stop crying, in my case the pain is the worst when my emotions are shut down and I can't cry.  If I can cry I can feel and then I'm at least connected to myself.  This happened a few times today.

#5 - Being able to see my partner's perspective, sometimes it is difficult especially when things are heated, but with a little space and time it can usually emerge.  I told him his actions felt like a light switch to me tonight - on or off and he explained the nuance in between and I understood.

May All People

#1 - We ate our dinner outside for the first time this year with lots of bird songs serenading and a bit of mochi from Japan for dessert.

#2 - I got nailed in the side at soccer a week ago.  I was fine the next day, but the following couple days it got worse each day and I wasn't sure if I pulled a muscle in my side or had a bruised rib?  Last night I hesitantly went to my soccer game.  It was feeling better, but I didn't want to make it worse.  So far it doesn't appear I did more damage.

#3 - Michael wants to talk numbers, I want to go to bed early and start a teen fiction novel, Unplugged, from the library.  There should be time to do both.

#4 - The lawyer we hired to draft an agreement for buying a home together as an unmarried couple just sent another draft.  I am not going to look at it tonight, so I will just hope it can be done.  Though her message said she's having difficulty wording what we are trying to do, which is why we hired her in the first place because we didn't know how to word it either.  We're feeling pretty discouraged that we'll have the chance to use the document in the first place, and it most likely isn't done, so I'm not sure exactly how this is a gratitude except, that for now, we keep going.

#5 - I can see an endless list of simple things - seeing a plane out the window and knowing it is simply a passenger jet, waking up in the night and having menstrual cramps but having a simple ibuprofen be enough to let me sleep again, the quiet outside, the safety to take a walk around the block, believing my family and friends are safe...may all people be so blessed, may all people be so blessed.

20% Over? Not Enough

#1 - We just found out today that a home that we thought we had a really good chance on (we offered 20% over list price) we did not get.  They had at least 24 offers and someone else offered more money, without an inspection and with an unlimited bridge.

I laid on the kitchen floor and cried and then I think briefly fell asleep.  That was very helpful. I thought the house was a really great fit for us, and doable since the list price was 20% lower than our comfortable limit, but alas it is not to be.  

I'm really surprised how quickly I've let it go, a quick nap can certainly help.

#2 - I'm also grateful that Michael was so invested in the house, he was making a number of concessions to make that offer.  It was good to be on the same page, even though it isn't a page we will be turning.

#3 - It was really great to make an offer on a house that I felt good about overall - the location, the size, the character, the price, it's good to know what that feels like.

#4 - It was good that unlike last weekend when we made a home offer in the midst of a fight, this offer was made with possibility and promise.

#5 - I'm grateful to have friends that I shared this with this weekend, to have seen a few in person and talked to a couple others.  Life is full of disappointment at times, and it helps to share it.

My Day Got Away With Me

 Yesterday was my scheduled post date, however, my day suddenly turned sour in the evening and I had no initiative to get on the computer and write gratitudes.  I did muster a handful in my journal, but for my post this week instead I'll share a poem that came thru me on Wed.

My Day Got Away With Me

 

But I read one poem

and now I sit on the couch with my journal

sun setting in the sky

rising in Ukraine? Or not yet, still the middle

of the night, of the darkness, of the terror unceasing

that has just barely begun

 

I began this because I dropped Keira off at school

then was to ski in MPLS, but the melting

led to Bloomington where the snow is made

and my friend stands in her kitchen washing breakfast dishes as

I pop by

 

How much is this conversation worth to me?

How many hours of pay am I willing to sacrifice? For

a simple low paying job – that allows the flexibility

of a ski on a Wed morning

and a talk with a friend

 

Another friend’s fiancée ordered a wedding dress online

The dressmaker emailed last week it was ready

A few days later, “I would have mailed your dress today, but

our country was invaded.”

 

What invades our heart to make us act in such a manner?

What has invaded the consciousness of the world

for the majority of us to see this as insanity.

 

What can we give to Putin – or to the consciousness of Putin –

that would be enough for him to let go?

 

And myself too – all I hold onto so tight.

Fear of getting priced out of the housing market

when I have such a beautiful place to live

and to sit on the couch

and see the sun setting

in the sky

 

Tammy