Sometimes Permission is Enough

 Today was supposed to be our first outdoor soccer game of the season, but due to the weather/snow it was cancelled.  Luckily I could walk over to the community center and exercise there instead.  I did a lift n pump class and I started to cry at one point. It is still hard. However until I wrote this I totally forgot about that.  

I actually was really grateful for the cold and snowy day.  Since I unusually got groceries at 8pm Saturday night (which was a great time to grocery shop, so quiet!), I didn't have anywhere to drive today.  While eating lunch I called a friend who had an adventurous canoeing 2nd date Friday and she had a great time!  She was divorced a few years back so I'm so happy for her to have a positive dating experience.

Also one of my soccer teammates emailed the women on the team to see if any of us would sign up with him for a rec "older" frisbee golf league.  Apparently there are a lot more men that want to play than women, so if a guy signs up with a woman he is guaranteed a spot. I already signed up for park and rec tennis those days this summer, but I told him I'd look into it next year.

I was stressed about some things that have taken my attention away from what I've wanted to work on (like a painful ear infection this week), but today that shifted.  And I even walked around my complex and wrote down addresses of people that have the door I want.  One of the major compromises from living in a house to a condo is less light.  However I could replace my dining room door with one with a window which would help some.  The doors here have to be fairly uniform.  But many people have made this update and I'm hoping someone could tell me where they got the door and recommend someone to do the work.  My thought originally was that after I'd worked thru the bulk of my mourning I'd get a new door and invite some more light into my life. I'm not quite there yet, but I'm ready to at least scatter some seeds in that direction.

Oh and I almost forget.  I noticed my bathroom sink was draining slowly.  I took all the piping apart beneath the sink (which just means unscrewing a few sections) and cleaned it out.  It was disgusting inside and stinky, so much better now.

And finally after last week thinking maybe I'd take a break from writing here, today I felt inspired to.  So sometimes just giving permission to let something go, allows the space and energy for it to continue.

Lost In Translation

 A couple days ago I finally got around to something I'd meant to do for a while. I invited the Ukranian refugee family upstairs over for dinner and some games.  (The mother and 5 year old played games here once before).  I said I'd have a baked potato bar because that seemed like the simplest thing to make for someone having no idea what they liked to eat, they could make it themselves.  (I was a little tired of this meal, but I haven't met anyone, even a kid, that won't eat a potato).

Well at 5pm today I was ready with dinner and the knock came to the door.  

Failure - they didn't eat anything, one of them didn't come, the mom said something about the weather and a headache and not being hungry.  I was actually tired of baked potatoes as the last time I made them, about a month ago, a similar thing happened.  I was planning on having 3 guests and because of car trouble only one came.  I planned on having leftovers, but I had a LOT of leftovers.  I am still tired of the meal and now I have the same problem again!

So that was a failure.

Here is the success.

I've thought about telling the mother that if she ever needed to leave her daughter here for a bit it would be ok. 

Well when they arrived the 5 year old (who is in kindergarten and has really improved  in her English) said her mom needed to go to the store.  So the mom left her with me, it was a really quick trip, maybe 15 minutes, but the point was

#1 - She felt safe leaving her with me.

#2 - When the five year old arrived she gave me a piece of chocolate and a rock.

#3 - She talks incessantly now (maybe she did before too I just couldn't understand her the one other time they played games here).  She is very creative and she's just a couple years younger than my nephew so I hope when he returns from Japan I can take them both to the park together.  

The girl was asking about my brother (I said we were playing my brother's games which I borrowed) and if he could come over tomorrow to play them too.  I tried to explain we could play with my nephew in the future, but that is a couple months off and too far for a 5 year old.

Her mother had a hard time getting her to leave.  I had to start joining in on the, "One more" and "it's time to go." When she got to the door she signed "thank you" to me.

I kind of wish I had more of a conversation with her mother (using translation), but

I guess that was probably enough.

#4 - Later on the phone with my aunt, I mentioned being sick of potatoes and she said I could mash them and freeze them.  I looked it up and it appears to be true.  So I did that with a couple.  We'll see.

#5 - Yesterday was supposed to be my post day.  I've been following an 8 day rotation for all these years.  

I didn't get home til close to 10 though and didn't feel like getting on the computer.  I haven't felt real motivated to write here recently.  So then I thought about how I've been posting here on schedule for 13 years!!!  Maybe it is time for a change.

I don't know what my new schedule is going to look like, but I think I'm going to cut back to a couple times a month maybe.

And finally one thing I really miss at times, and feel now, is being able to walk into the next room and get a big embrace.  It was such a gift to have a partner who enjoyed that as much as I did.  

As I kid, I recall my dad once rolling his eyes while hugging my mother. They didn't have similar love language in regard to touch.

Again and again though, the best thing I've found is a few ASMR videos, latte ASMR and Whisper Audio ASMR.  They guide me into such relaxation that I feel like a hug.  

So if I can get ready for bed in time for that tonight.

I'll at least have that embrace.