Stand In the Spot that Fits

#1 - I typed up most of the relationship agreement that my partner and I have been answering questions to from a book we are working through.  I added how we'll handle each of the 4 horsemen (criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling).  We still need to add our dealing with potential break-up strategy.

#2 - I started the first step in a job search (or my idea of one) of reflecting on past jobs, why I took them, what I learned from them, and seeds planted during those times in my life.

#3 - I spent time outside on a gorgeous fall day - raking leaves, walking to pick up the car, washing and vacuuming the car with 10 year old enthusiastic assistance.

#4 -  My partner, his kids and I did my across the room game.  I had a list of statements from - "I like to go to bed early" to "I enjoy winter" to "My life often feels stressful".  If we agreed with the statement we'd stand on one side of the room, if we disagreed, we'd stand at the other.  And shades of agreement had each of us standing somewhere in the middle.  We not only all participated but I was surprised to find everyone enjoyed it.

#5 - I actually created the activity to find out some things that if we just flat out asked the kids, would be unlikely that they'd answer honestly.  However I really enjoyed seeing the response to such things as  - "I enjoy cooking" (all three of them were at the wall for a yes, while I was in the middle of the room).  "I enjoy swimming" had one child leave the room and head to the other end of the house (she loves to swim).   "I feel safe at school," or "There are things that are hard for me to talk about with my parents," brought the important information I was initially looking for, and hopefully can be a stepping stone to talk more about those topics in the future.

George Crosby Manitou State Park

I started the day listening to a recent talk given by the Dalai Lama. Luckily I could think back on this when Saudi Arabia was in the news and I started to become infuriated by the United States alliance with and support of a country with such horrific human rights.  I remembered how he'd answer a question with, "That situation is very serious," and then two minutes later be laughing and jolly again.  He reminded me of a floating bobber, you can push it down, but it will just pop back up.

***

I did end up going camping last weekend, right now in fact I am drinking the last of the water that we filtered out of the river and remained in my water bottle.  After we returned I sent a few photos to a few friends, including my best friend from high school who I met with when she was in town recently.  We hadn't seen each other in a few years, though we'd had a couple long phone conversations, including one on my birthday a year and half ago during my temporary break-up with my partner.  Because I so rarely talk to her and we had such a good/long conversation, she really was an angel to me that day.

After I sent the photos she replied, "The pictures are wonderful!  Thanks for sharing!  It is always nice to put a face with a name.

Your camping adventure sounded very rewarding.  I have no desire to camp in the cold weather.  But, it looked liked you were prepared - mentally as well as physically!"  

 

And it's true, we were prepared.  I thanked my community ed fitness teacher for all the squats she has us do.  And Mr. Winter (as my former manager calls him) set up tarps over our food prep area and the space where we kept our stuff.   This photo below was taken during some of the brief sun that weekend, it was mostly cloudy or drizzly.  So if I needed to add a sweater, I could go under a tarp and take off my raincoat without getting all wet.  And my sleeping bag was for -15F so cozy and warm.

  I was truly surprised to be so comfortable with a high of 48 (9 C) and a low of 35 (1-2C).   It certainly helped that there was zero wind and the rain, though off and on, was always light.

When we left Mr. Winter said he had a feeling he didn't quite have the words for.  This morning the words came to him and I have his permission to include them here.

Subject: I think I figured it out

Good morning Babe,

Remember, I think it was while we were packing the car after our hike out when I told you how there was a feeling about the weekend that I didn't quite have the words for?  Well, on the walk into work this morning it came to me. First the backstory, remember two or three or so weeks ago I rhetorically asked why we seemed to "be" in different places so often? This morning I identified the feeling I couldn't identify as the two of us being in the same place at the same time. The whole weekend I felt that you were there because you wanted to be, not because of me. I wanted to be there with you and you wanted to be there with me... we were in the same place at the same time. It was an amazingly beautiful weekend that meant so very much to me. Being there with you like that was a dream come true. I'm no longer an outdoor lover who's girlfriend is at home or where ever. Please don't take this as an expectation that you'll be going to the edge of winter/wilderness camping with me. I will do my very best to help plan safe and slightly challenging trips with you. I'm just enjoying allowing the memory of this weekend fill my being with gratitude and love.

Your Failures

#1 - The warm weather today, even though it will not last beyond today, still helps it make sense that I am going hike in camping this weekend. It should be perfect timing for fall colors and if I can turn the cold into an adventure, I might have a great time.

#2 - I helped a family member make a phone call today about a financial situation and the results were better than either of us expected.

#3 - An email exchange that started getting confusing I asked if we could switch to phone later. The response, "I'm sorry. I don't mean to cause any confusion or stress...I'll stop the emails 'till we can talk." Which was a relief. Sometimes email makes things simpler, sometimes it doesn't.

#4 - While picking raspberries from the garden I started thinking,

"Thank you berries, thank you rain, thank you..." and then I started thinking, "Hey spontaneous gratitude, I can use that as a gratitude today."

#5

 YOUR FAILURES

I know

you’ve expressed

deep gratitude

for your success and

all the good things

that have happened for you.

Have you been also

grateful for your failures

dear friend?

It is your failures

that have opened you

and made you softer.

Your failures have

turned you into

a beautiful love

Statement,

the deepest meaning

Hidden inside a poem.

Guthema Roba

Whirlpools of Pain

I was talking with someone today who was really upset and wondering about how to continue feeling this way.  As I waited for the computer to turn on to write this I grabbed the guitar and thought, "I wished they played the guitar, it can be so meditative and soothing."  And then I remembered that the whole reason I started playing the ukulele, and then the guitar, was feeling crappy and this Rumi poem came to mind,

"Today

 like every other day

we wake up empty and frightened

don't open the door to the study

and begin reading

take down a musical instrument

let the beauty we love

be what we do

there are 100's of ways to kneel 

and kiss the ground."

Rumi

And I thought of the beauty that has been born, over many years from that feeling of emptiness. 

And I thought about how I started writing gratitudes, eight years ago, because I was so fed up with the lack of gratefulness in my life.

So painful feelings can sprout great beauty.

But they can also become whirlpools of pain.  Which way will it go?  When will the current be enough to change things?  When will there be sufficient rain to modify the flow of water?  And what do we do when we see another stuck within?  Most likely a bucket or a hose would not be enough.  Is there another way to disrupt the current?

Sometimes just being able to sit with them at the edge of the water is all one can offer.

Sometimes it's enough.

***

I sat and meditated for 10 minutes today.   A couple days ago I forgot for the first time in three months and I actually really missed it.  It is finally a nourishing practice for me.  Even though my mind goes bonkers, to reduce stimuli and rest in that space.  The clarity that comes with fighting the stillness, but resting in it nonetheless.  Yesterday I did a meditation on a tree (watching fall colors turn once a week - another assignment from my writing and meditation class).  So today was the first time I closed my eyes and sat in a couple days and I really needed it.

I also had a family member send me an email asking for the poem I called her with on the phone a couple weeks ago.  I couldn't recall which poem I shared, but when I asked she told me enough that I could find it to send.

I've been doing some stretches before I get out of bed the last week or so.  It's actually a really nice way to wake up.  I mean it helps to wake me up, but it also offers the luxury of staying in bed a bit longer.

Nahko

"And when the rain comes, 

put your hand in the dirt

 this is where you came from." 

 Nahko

Yesterday I had my writing and meditation group/class so I was officially finished with chose a small thing to do every day for a month, however, I did not make it through my address book so I plan to continue reading a different person a poem each day until I do.

The person that is up today (I'm on the letter "J") is a former manager.  I've never called him since working there, but he does on occasion check up on me through email.  During lunch (without any contact from me) he emailed me to ask me, "how is it going?"   I looked through my email to see when the last time we communicated was.  It was May.

I also opened my email to this message this AM, "Thank you for the poetry reading. What a lovely surprise to find in my voicemail." 

I've been enjoying listening to music today.  Mostly Nahko and Medicine for the People which is a group I was exposed to in a concert on Friday night. Here are two of my favorites right now. 

I also love his term "fully loaded poet" in "It Is Written".  It is fun to envision a poet as a superhero - that is the energy I get in that song.  And I think it's true - poets can set a vision for a future, change the trajectory of a culture - become the next action superhero - that is a move I want to see!

 This was the opening number from the show.

https://genius.com/Nahko-and-medicine-for-the-people-directions-lyrics

Family Tree

This morning I had a soccer game and my niece came along.  She wanted to race me before the game, and then run up and down the bleachers.  It was the best warm up I've had.

Yesterday was my youngest cousin's birthday, a couple days prior his sister emailed me to see if I would come.  My brother and his family said they'd go too if we went Sunday, which actually worked out better.

When we arrived today my uncle asked, "Michael didn't come?"  We really only decided to go Friday evening, Michael has never even met the cousin whose birthday it was, and it wouldn't have worked out with his schedule with his kids, but I still thought it was inclusive of my uncle to assume he might/would.

I was happy to get some quality time talking to my eldest cousin.  I haven't had time with her to talk much in the last year or more and I miss it.  We got to discuss her wedding plans and other things going on in her life.

We also played a family soccer game in the backyard.  Different people kept taking breaks so the teams kept shifting, but my brother and I remained on the field throughout.

I also read my poem a day (one I'd written about Donald Trump) to one of my cousin's boyfriends.

Call on the Wolves

I didn't post this weekend because I was at a music festival.  Here is one of my highlight songs.

https://music.lovedustinthomas.com/track/call-on-the-wolves

"It's going to take a queen to lead.

It's going to take a king to bow."

Dustin Thomas