The Reponse

#1 - Music has been such a balm to me recently, I have awoken multiple times to a song in my head.  Yesterday AM it was a Mike Posner song.  This led me to discovering he had a new song, "Home."  Today I listened to his interview on 

Mike Posner on Walking America, Summiting Everest & Writing Hit Music | Rich Roll Podcast

I listened to his interview with Rich Roll a couple years ago before he walked across America and enjoyed it. So now I got to hear the after the walk and summiting Everest. The thing I enjoy about listening to Posner is you can hear the growth. Live Before I Die, Be Who You Are, Move On, A Pill in Ibiza.  It makes me want to have a dance party - and for that impulse in itself I'm grateful (#2).

#3 - I've recently started taking some yoga classes in person for the first time since Co-Vid. I used to occasionally go to an early morning class, but it's been a long time when I got out of the house that early.  I've been thinking about it though, and today I did leave the house at 5:45AM and made it to a 6AM class.

#4 - I've had a cough the past number of days and today I decided I should probably make sure it isn't Co-Vid.  I took a home test and it came back negative.

#5 - I had a session with a therapist today and when I asked about what there is to work on - defensiveness/anger etc, her perspective was that the work was in the response to those things.

 

Shifting Conditions

#1- I was awake a bit before 4AM and I heard a few gunshots which I called in to the police.  When I laid back down I felt how lucky I was to still feel safe and warm. I listened to the quiet that followed as the furnace cycled on and we have the fuel and the money to run it.

#2 - There is a cold blustery wind out today. I can hear it blowing powerfully, and once again, it makes me feel grateful to have a warm space inside.  I also enjoyed watching the snowflakes and leaves blow around for the same reason, intermingled with a bit of sun.  It has been shifting all day - from one moment to the next, blowing snow, breaks of sun, it keeps you guessing.  And also is maybe like I feel inside.

#3 - I was kind of looking forward to braving the weather to watch a first la crosse game of the season tonight, knowing I had a warm home to return to, but it was cancelled because of the wind advisory, so I guess I can do that tomorrow if I'd like.

#4 - I know one of my areas of growth is defensiveness, and I don't feel defensive about being sent articles to improve in that area. :)

#5 - Being able to type this while someone else is preparing dinner - tonight lasagna. 

Sean McConnell "Price Of Love" (Official Music Video)

#1 -Outside perspective - sometimes it is so difficult to see ourselves clearly or to doubt ourselves.  It's interesting because I was talking to my brother and sister-in-law about this last week and saying how helpful it can be to have a neutral outside perspective, but then I realized something, you have to be open to hearing that perspective.  In my brother's case he is not open to it, so of course then getting that perspective in the form of a therapist would be a waste of money.

This just makes me wonder - are women more open to hearing outside perspectives than men?  Then I remember the one instance I can recall going to a therapist as a family when I was a child and my dad saying something like, "Jill do you hear anything he is saying?" 

And I can think of other women in my family who also would not be open to it.

But in the end I think of the bravery required to do this.  It is a brave act to expose your faults and struggles to another for guidance. 

#2 - I'm about to go to the airport to pick up my aunt whom I've only seen 1 time the last 2 years because of Co-Vid and her lack of vaccination.  I don't know if it is a good idea for her to visit, but we have a drop in cases right now so I suggested it knowing these low cases may not last.

#3 - Library poetry group is still online so we can do that as a Co-Vid safe activity together tonight.

#4 - My sister-in-law and brother have made some progress in her plans to spend time in Japan.  Hopefully she can find a way to meet the majority of her objectives for the trip and feel his support, because it is a big undertaking.

#5 - My current screen backdrop a friend sent me yesterday, it is taken just before the pandemic when I had some friends over and was telling them each something I was grateful for about them. Sometimes we need a reminder of who we are/can be and that image of myself is reassuring.

Also I heard this song for the first time this week and it is too a gift.

And I Understood - A Little

 #1 - My aunt called today and though I know she loves me greatly, she has never really been a big emotional support or someone I confide in.  However, today I told her I was struggling and she surprised me and held me with her voice.

#2 - I struggled in a conversation - or multiple phone conversations with my brother today. At one point he really wasn't feeling heard, I stepped back and tried again and it helped.

#3 - My friend last night told me Saturn and Venus were conjunct and what was going on in my life was a perfect reflection of what was going on in the sky, and I don't know how this can be true but it is not the first time.

#4 - Being able to cry, some people might wish they could stop crying, in my case the pain is the worst when my emotions are shut down and I can't cry.  If I can cry I can feel and then I'm at least connected to myself.  This happened a few times today.

#5 - Being able to see my partner's perspective, sometimes it is difficult especially when things are heated, but with a little space and time it can usually emerge.  I told him his actions felt like a light switch to me tonight - on or off and he explained the nuance in between and I understood.

May All People

#1 - We ate our dinner outside for the first time this year with lots of bird songs serenading and a bit of mochi from Japan for dessert.

#2 - I got nailed in the side at soccer a week ago.  I was fine the next day, but the following couple days it got worse each day and I wasn't sure if I pulled a muscle in my side or had a bruised rib?  Last night I hesitantly went to my soccer game.  It was feeling better, but I didn't want to make it worse.  So far it doesn't appear I did more damage.

#3 - Michael wants to talk numbers, I want to go to bed early and start a teen fiction novel, Unplugged, from the library.  There should be time to do both.

#4 - The lawyer we hired to draft an agreement for buying a home together as an unmarried couple just sent another draft.  I am not going to look at it tonight, so I will just hope it can be done.  Though her message said she's having difficulty wording what we are trying to do, which is why we hired her in the first place because we didn't know how to word it either.  We're feeling pretty discouraged that we'll have the chance to use the document in the first place, and it most likely isn't done, so I'm not sure exactly how this is a gratitude except, that for now, we keep going.

#5 - I can see an endless list of simple things - seeing a plane out the window and knowing it is simply a passenger jet, waking up in the night and having menstrual cramps but having a simple ibuprofen be enough to let me sleep again, the quiet outside, the safety to take a walk around the block, believing my family and friends are safe...may all people be so blessed, may all people be so blessed.

20% Over? Not Enough

#1 - We just found out today that a home that we thought we had a really good chance on (we offered 20% over list price) we did not get.  They had at least 24 offers and someone else offered more money, without an inspection and with an unlimited bridge.

I laid on the kitchen floor and cried and then I think briefly fell asleep.  That was very helpful. I thought the house was a really great fit for us, and doable since the list price was 20% lower than our comfortable limit, but alas it is not to be.  

I'm really surprised how quickly I've let it go, a quick nap can certainly help.

#2 - I'm also grateful that Michael was so invested in the house, he was making a number of concessions to make that offer.  It was good to be on the same page, even though it isn't a page we will be turning.

#3 - It was really great to make an offer on a house that I felt good about overall - the location, the size, the character, the price, it's good to know what that feels like.

#4 - It was good that unlike last weekend when we made a home offer in the midst of a fight, this offer was made with possibility and promise.

#5 - I'm grateful to have friends that I shared this with this weekend, to have seen a few in person and talked to a couple others.  Life is full of disappointment at times, and it helps to share it.

My Day Got Away With Me

 Yesterday was my scheduled post date, however, my day suddenly turned sour in the evening and I had no initiative to get on the computer and write gratitudes.  I did muster a handful in my journal, but for my post this week instead I'll share a poem that came thru me on Wed.

My Day Got Away With Me

 

But I read one poem

and now I sit on the couch with my journal

sun setting in the sky

rising in Ukraine? Or not yet, still the middle

of the night, of the darkness, of the terror unceasing

that has just barely begun

 

I began this because I dropped Keira off at school

then was to ski in MPLS, but the melting

led to Bloomington where the snow is made

and my friend stands in her kitchen washing breakfast dishes as

I pop by

 

How much is this conversation worth to me?

How many hours of pay am I willing to sacrifice? For

a simple low paying job – that allows the flexibility

of a ski on a Wed morning

and a talk with a friend

 

Another friend’s fiancée ordered a wedding dress online

The dressmaker emailed last week it was ready

A few days later, “I would have mailed your dress today, but

our country was invaded.”

 

What invades our heart to make us act in such a manner?

What has invaded the consciousness of the world

for the majority of us to see this as insanity.

 

What can we give to Putin – or to the consciousness of Putin –

that would be enough for him to let go?

 

And myself too – all I hold onto so tight.

Fear of getting priced out of the housing market

when I have such a beautiful place to live

and to sit on the couch

and see the sun setting

in the sky

 

Tammy