Nippon

 

 

 

Bamboo forest

 

 

 

 More typical Japanese homes - nearby where I stayed

 

 

 Atypical Japanese home (Finnish cabin) that my sister-in-law's mother lives in and where I stayed.

When my sister-in-law planned to take the kids to Japan for an extended stay I wasn't that interested in visiting, as she planned to stay in Tokyo (where she is from).  I like nature and did not find the most populated city in the world appealing. However, due to various circumstances she ended up living with her mother who is an hour outside Tokyo.  She has this sweet little spot that seems so isolated, but really isn't.

I only was in Tokyo briefly the day I arrived, and I guess wasn't in central Tokyo, but I'm still in awe of how quiet it was.  It was so quiet!! But it was even quieter here, frog sounds at night, the loudest thing being the daily loudspeakers with Greensleeves at 6AM (even weekends), and also 2 other times daily.

 

 How I began the majority of my mornings (steam baths trying to clear out my congestion).  I started not feeling well day 5 and still have a cough/congestion.  Happily my Co-Vid test at least came back negative.

 

Niece and nephew almost home from school (wearing the hats all elementary kids wear on their walks to school).

 

This was only 3.5 k from where I was living.  My sister-in-law drove us there earlier and then I walk/jogged back there the day before I left.  My niece was concerned I would get lost as I wasn't taking a phone with me, but there were only 2 turns and I made my way back fine.

 So today's gratitudes

#1 - Sharing these photos

#2 - I work 2 part-time jobs, I told 1 I wouldn't be back til next week, which was a wise decision as I worked 8 hours at the other today catching up (usually I only work 1 hour at that job Mondays).

#3 -  I was hoping my cough would be gone (that maybe it had to do with some allergy or something in Japan), but at least I can cough freely today and am no longer worried about if I'll feel better for the trip home.  I tried to hold it in on the plane yesterday and I think I have a lot of coughs held in.

#4 - I don't usually post photos of my niece or nephew, but I asked my brother on this one since their faces were masked (still lots of mask wearing in Japan, though not required) and he said ok.

#5 - I have actually really liked coming home to an empty/quiet place.  I thought it would be sadder, that I didn't have anyone to come home to and tell about my trip.  However, so far it's been nice just to have this space and ease back into my life.  I was writing about this in my journal last night, how much I liked it, but that also scared me because it didn't mean I always want to live alone.  This is such a silly thought.  When I lived with other people and genuinely appreciated living with them, I never feared that appreciation would prevent me from enjoying living alone, but funny how that fear pops up vice versa.

P.S. I'm not sure, maybe if I understood the Japanese news I would have heard about violence there, but I doubt I would have heard about shootings.  As soon as I went on the computer today, there it was, life in the United States.

 

 

Sometimes Permission is Enough

 Today was supposed to be our first outdoor soccer game of the season, but due to the weather/snow it was cancelled.  Luckily I could walk over to the community center and exercise there instead.  I did a lift n pump class and I started to cry at one point. It is still hard. However until I wrote this I totally forgot about that.  

I actually was really grateful for the cold and snowy day.  Since I unusually got groceries at 8pm Saturday night (which was a great time to grocery shop, so quiet!), I didn't have anywhere to drive today.  While eating lunch I called a friend who had an adventurous canoeing 2nd date Friday and she had a great time!  She was divorced a few years back so I'm so happy for her to have a positive dating experience.

Also one of my soccer teammates emailed the women on the team to see if any of us would sign up with him for a rec "older" frisbee golf league.  Apparently there are a lot more men that want to play than women, so if a guy signs up with a woman he is guaranteed a spot. I already signed up for park and rec tennis those days this summer, but I told him I'd look into it next year.

I was stressed about some things that have taken my attention away from what I've wanted to work on (like a painful ear infection this week), but today that shifted.  And I even walked around my complex and wrote down addresses of people that have the door I want.  One of the major compromises from living in a house to a condo is less light.  However I could replace my dining room door with one with a window which would help some.  The doors here have to be fairly uniform.  But many people have made this update and I'm hoping someone could tell me where they got the door and recommend someone to do the work.  My thought originally was that after I'd worked thru the bulk of my mourning I'd get a new door and invite some more light into my life. I'm not quite there yet, but I'm ready to at least scatter some seeds in that direction.

Oh and I almost forget.  I noticed my bathroom sink was draining slowly.  I took all the piping apart beneath the sink (which just means unscrewing a few sections) and cleaned it out.  It was disgusting inside and stinky, so much better now.

And finally after last week thinking maybe I'd take a break from writing here, today I felt inspired to.  So sometimes just giving permission to let something go, allows the space and energy for it to continue.

Lost In Translation

 A couple days ago I finally got around to something I'd meant to do for a while. I invited the Ukranian refugee family upstairs over for dinner and some games.  (The mother and 5 year old played games here once before).  I said I'd have a baked potato bar because that seemed like the simplest thing to make for someone having no idea what they liked to eat, they could make it themselves.  (I was a little tired of this meal, but I haven't met anyone, even a kid, that won't eat a potato).

Well at 5pm today I was ready with dinner and the knock came to the door.  

Failure - they didn't eat anything, one of them didn't come, the mom said something about the weather and a headache and not being hungry.  I was actually tired of baked potatoes as the last time I made them, about a month ago, a similar thing happened.  I was planning on having 3 guests and because of car trouble only one came.  I planned on having leftovers, but I had a LOT of leftovers.  I am still tired of the meal and now I have the same problem again!

So that was a failure.

Here is the success.

I've thought about telling the mother that if she ever needed to leave her daughter here for a bit it would be ok. 

Well when they arrived the 5 year old (who is in kindergarten and has really improved  in her English) said her mom needed to go to the store.  So the mom left her with me, it was a really quick trip, maybe 15 minutes, but the point was

#1 - She felt safe leaving her with me.

#2 - When the five year old arrived she gave me a piece of chocolate and a rock.

#3 - She talks incessantly now (maybe she did before too I just couldn't understand her the one other time they played games here).  She is very creative and she's just a couple years younger than my nephew so I hope when he returns from Japan I can take them both to the park together.  

The girl was asking about my brother (I said we were playing my brother's games which I borrowed) and if he could come over tomorrow to play them too.  I tried to explain we could play with my nephew in the future, but that is a couple months off and too far for a 5 year old.

Her mother had a hard time getting her to leave.  I had to start joining in on the, "One more" and "it's time to go." When she got to the door she signed "thank you" to me.

I kind of wish I had more of a conversation with her mother (using translation), but

I guess that was probably enough.

#4 - Later on the phone with my aunt, I mentioned being sick of potatoes and she said I could mash them and freeze them.  I looked it up and it appears to be true.  So I did that with a couple.  We'll see.

#5 - Yesterday was supposed to be my post day.  I've been following an 8 day rotation for all these years.  

I didn't get home til close to 10 though and didn't feel like getting on the computer.  I haven't felt real motivated to write here recently.  So then I thought about how I've been posting here on schedule for 13 years!!!  Maybe it is time for a change.

I don't know what my new schedule is going to look like, but I think I'm going to cut back to a couple times a month maybe.

And finally one thing I really miss at times, and feel now, is being able to walk into the next room and get a big embrace.  It was such a gift to have a partner who enjoyed that as much as I did.  

As I kid, I recall my dad once rolling his eyes while hugging my mother. They didn't have similar love language in regard to touch.

Again and again though, the best thing I've found is a few ASMR videos, latte ASMR and Whisper Audio ASMR.  They guide me into such relaxation that I feel like a hug.  

So if I can get ready for bed in time for that tonight.

I'll at least have that embrace.

Five Little Things

 #1 - A couple songs I heard while driving today and appreciated in that moment - Take it All Back by Jonah and the Lions and Eyes Closed by Ed Sheeran.  (Apparently the first song is 6 years old, but I hadn't heard it.) 

#2 - A pest control person came to my building today to look for bedbugs and thinks we overacted.  I'm not certain he is right, but I'm certainly grateful for his perspective and hope he is.

#3 - My childhood home was not a safe place to save hurt feelings, so I bottled them inside.  I'm learning, slowly to share those feelings and to ask for them to be heard without blame or anyone being wrong. 

#4 - I was given advice to add something that was missing in an apology I made to a friend, and I did.

#5 - It's the last day of March, we are having a snowstorm and I'm excited about it.  I have loved this winter.  So it can keep me inside tomorrow to hopefully finish painting the last room in my place, and it will all melt (besides the big piles still here) on Sunday.

Be Careful What you Wish For

  That is my first thought today, because I walked out of my condo today on my way to work and the Ukrainian refugee that lives upstairs said to me, "I need help."

And I don't think her story is mine to tell, however she does need help and it is very stressful and I can not imagine the weight of all the responsibility she has to carry and the things she has to figure out on her own.

I am grateful she shared with me though I feel the stress and weight too on my shoulders.

And I am grateful thru our conversation to find out she didn't know about the Ukrainian American Community Center.  Although I am so angry, that I didn't tell her about it before.  I still can't believe with the other people that I heard her speaking the same language to that she didn't know about it!  I just assumed she was connected to it and that is how she knew other people who spoke her language.  Now I am just so confused.  Her landlord speaks Ukrainian and she was sponsored to come here so how could the sponsor not know about this?  I am so frustrated and confused and regret not sharing this resource my brother suggested to me earlier!

So her current problem is actually a problem that could be mine too, so helping her literally is in my best interest.

I am grateful that I walked out the front door when she needed help, literally like I was when her car got stuck in the snow.  (I much preferred the shoveling type help though).

I am grateful to have friends to call and vent to.

And that earlier today when I wanted to call my former partner about this (because I still want to turn to him for support).  I called my cousin and ended up supporting her on a hard day too.

Life is hard sometimes.

As Glennon Doyle says

"We Can Do Hard Things"

Snow Pants

 I received a completely unexpected package in the mail yesterday from a friend in a different state.  I was so curious.  Inside was a blanket she had made which she said was a hug. Yesterday I didn't really need the hug.  But this evening while listening to the radio in the car I started to cry, and when I got home I really wanted to walk in to a good hug.

That is my #1 miss.

There was no hug, however there was at least a message on my voicemail.  My favorite 13 year old had called me back.  I was playing the game he showed me earlier "Contexto Game" where you have to figure out a word based on the context it is used. I had made it down to #2, but I still could NOT figure out the word (which is #1). I called him back, his voice gets so much older each time I hear him and he distracted me from my longing for a hug.

And though I'm reminded of it now, I just went and got the blanket to wrap around me and it has a nice soft weightyness to it.

Also I finally found a pair of snowpants.  I discovered both my pair were gone when I first looked for them in Dec, and then realized they were some of what was stolen from my storage space before I moved in here.  I looked at a couple stores previously, but was hoping more for an end of season sale/not interested in spending $100+.  Today a different store did have an end of season 50% off, a locally owned store no less, and I think more or less the same basic snowpants I had before and which worked great.

Sometimes I love the quiet energy of living alone.  Sometimes, mostly at dinner time, I want someone to talk to.  So I'm happy to report that, if wintry conditions don't alter plans, I'm having my "new" friend over for dinner tomorrow, and an old friend I haven't seen in over a year over Friday.

Edie Carey - Rise (Official Lyric Video)

I may have put this song as a gratitude before, but I've been listening to another song of hers "The Chain" a lot recently and then I was reminded of this one. 

 I prefer to have more than one reason to drive places and I had an errand tonight I was trying to add to so I emailed a friend nearby to ask if I could stop by. She said yes and then I realized the fitness center I belong to has one other location right by her place, so maybe instead of going to the class I planned to by me I could try one by her?

 That place has more variety in classes and there just happens to be a particular class "Pound" that I've wanted to try that is this evening. So now I have three reasons to drive - the errand, the fitness class and a visit with a friend.

 Also this friend is a likely person to be interested in the music of Edie Carey, who is coming to town in a couple months and I was wondering who might go with me.  So I sent her a song and will talk to her about it tonight.