Kiss Toggle Hug

#1 - “I just want to hurry up and get it over with.” Not a thought that I have much recently so it stood out and made me take notice. I was headed for an annual well-woman visit (or physical as they used to be called) and suddenly I was dreading it.

#2 - When the pelvic exam came around, my relaxation practice/breathing went into full force. I wouldn't say that it "worked" but it at least gave me something to focus on.

#3 - My brother stopped his pain body (this is Eckhart Tolle terminology). He was over and starting to get annoyed and I was starting to wish they weren’t here and then, miracle of miracles - he turned it off. He did not escalate and he was pleasant the rest of the evening. I didn’t even realize it until now, when I sat down to write.

#4 - “Kiss toggle hug?” I kept repeating it back to her, trying to decipher what my niece was saying. Is this a new game? Tuggle? Does she mean tug of war? Finally she walked over and got it. Kiss, Tickle, Cuddle, Hug, currently a favorite book.

#5 – “…Also, in one of the six things you could not do without, you listed "Solitude". I would be interested in hearing more about that if you wouldn't mind.” I don’t respond to men in online dating who don’t mention anything specific about my profile. Many are just shooting off the same email to a bunch of people to see who will bite, and none of their profiles have ever held my interest. This on the other hand, could be the opposite situation. I don't even want to start answering this question tonight because I'm pretty sure I could be writing for a long time :).

Bonus: The following was actually sent to me the day I posted this but I did not read it until the next day. So I guess it will be a Wed gratitude. I'm still including it here -

http://thoughtcatalog.com/abby-rosmarin/2013/12/to-the-women-who-choose-not-to-have-kids/

Follow Your Arrow

I was impressed by this woman when I was in Nashville this time last year and heard "Merry Go 'Round". "Maybe I do like country music?" I thought. I recently heard this. I couldn't name the singer, but I knew it was her.

Pay Attention Here

#1 –I was so glad to be alone at this table. There had been a plan for a first meeting with a guy, but he got a flat tire the other day and this evening was the first slot he could get for a replacement. When he asked about meeting I had suggested this café as I was going to eat there anyway, before a volunteer meeting a mile away. When I walked in I was so glad to not have to change, to not muster interest or enthusiasm or questions, to be able to just rest in myself.

#2 - I was feeling pretty peaceful. I had decided none of my normal exercise options would fit in today and I found a yoga studio near the volunteer meeting to try. Just being in a new space made my senses engaged and when the teacher touched my foot it was soft and gentle and kind. Pay attention here, notice how the outside of your foot meets the floor.

#3 – We also did an Omm at the beginning and end of class which I love and which is extremely rare where I usually do yoga. Walking from there into the café I did not want to muster up false enthusiasm.

It became quite clear to me I didn’t really want to meet this guy. It became quite clear to me that we often know a great deal more than we give ourselves credit for.

#4 – I ordered a cornmeal schneatzel (sp?). I was hesitant because I made a bunch of cornbread yesterday including cornbread croutons for some soup. However, the Brussels sprouts and the butternut squash sounded really good for me. And guess what the Brussels sprouts were awesome.

#5 – The meeting involved a vision for some big changes. I’ve volunteered once a month at a food market for people who have a hard time acquiring enough groceries for the past few years. I’m not sure if/how the new vision for the market will work for me, but I do understand and believe in the vision, so I hope to find a way to adapt myself to it.

For Entertainment Only

I happened to notice today that I had three comments on my last post. Three comments this was a record! I looked and saw they related to my last brief gratitude which I only put on here for entertainment value. It was an initial message on online dating that stated,

"You don't look like an anarchist revolutionary yet...."

This to me is not the beginning of a conversation, it is simply a comment. I neither replied nor even looked at the profile of the person who sent it. I already knew that we were a 10% match, that the photo was some protest photo were they all were wearing masks (which struck me as scary) and I believe the person lived in Washington or something. "How does someone do a search and end up on my profile when I live across the country and am not a match?" I wondered.

Just now I tried to look at the account and it said that person no longer has an account.

Exactly.

Since that peeked interest previously here, I will provide a few more notes of possible interest. The offensive messages I delete completely as I do not want to linger in such energy. So here instead is a sampling of initial messages that are not offensive, but really...

"Hi, my name is Jeff"
48% Match

"I would love to meet you at the Minneapolis Institute of Arts.
Sincerely,
Kevin"
56% Match

(Just want to remind you I have had zero contact with Kevin.)

"Television has a place. I love watching this (he did send a link, I don't want to include it because I'm scared of link from unknown people), and learning about the Artists. Singers. I found it very moving, and I learned something weird from watching it tonight.

I was communing with Fugai Honko at the museum yesterday. Like a Jedi Knight kind of thing :)

Was doing my walking Buddha thing tonight. It is one of the meditation positions of the Theravada.


I liked this one a lot (another link). The Painter, Printer was really beautiful as well. I have my secret Reasons for enjoying this show, but enough of that.

I do like PBS, it must make me some kind of republican in your view. However, did hear/watch Born Yesterday last night, and immensely enjoyed it."
10% match

Then he sent another message (I did not respond to the first). I'm just including the last sentence this time.

"...You could go to the MIA, and Commune with me in this one interesting exhibit. I like it, it's like a meditation center."

(I wonder if this guy and Kevin (above) are actually the same?)

I will end this with an interaction I had right before Halloween. Some guy sent me a fine/normal message, but his profile and photo were blank. I'd already had a previous bad interaction in a similar situation, so I responded but was skeptical. We exchanged a couple more messages, he told me about a Halloween event that sounded cool.

Then wrote -

"I am just trying to get you to go to the Puppet Show."

The fact of the matter is the puppet show was the cool sounding Halloween event, but it was also outside at night, with some stranger. No thank you. I just checked and his account was deleted as well.

Nature Poems

#1 - I heard a Jeni Couzyn poem and wanted more. The library for once wasn't helpful. I ended up finding a journal online that published her and as I looked at the journal I thought, "This may be an appropriate place for my poetry." That was in April. Seven months later, November 1st, I finally got around to that submission. Two and a half weeks later I received a reply saying he enjoyed my poems, would consider them for a future issue and asked if I had any more environmental/nature poems as they are featuring that topic this summer.

Yeah!

Well, I thought I would have tons, in fact I found I did not. I think most of my poems have a line or a reference to nature, but few are actually focused upon nature itself. I guess I need to write more poems. Nice to have a little motivation.

I sent what I compiled to three friends asking for their opinions as to which to send. Today I put together the ones that made the cut and sent them off.

#2 - Actually two of the people I sent poems to were friends. The third person was in the fiction writing class I took a few years ago. I didn't like the class that much (in part because fiction isn't my thing I'm sure). We each had a couple of pieces we'd bring copies of for others to write comments. I remember one guy telling me to take out or add (I forget) a bunch of commas. It was a draft of a piece! Who cares about commas at that point. Anyway, that is how I usually feel about editing. However one woman in the class made some really insightful comments on my piece. She wasn't there the day I shared my second piece, so I went to her the next week and asked if she would read it because I appreciated what she said previously. Thank God for that because it initiated contact between us. I haven't communicated with her for a couple years I'd guess, but I thought of her as someone to look at my poems. I sent her an email and she replied that she would. Once again her comments were incredibly insightful. I can easily see how being an editor is a skill! I'm so grateful to have come across her in that class and her willingness to help!

#3 - As soon as I woke up I started reading Roger Housden's, ten poems to change your life again and again. I dove in yesterday and I'll probably finish by tomorrow. It has made me curious to learn more about Leonard Cohen and I just requested a book of his from the library. All I know is he is a musician and he has a quote I really like -

"There is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in."

#4 - "I really appreciate you helping me with my paper, and it's fun Tammy-time." Spoken by my cousin Holly. This was the first distracting thing she said and it was a good distraction at that.

#5 - Just because I can share this here. This is a complete initial message written to me by someone on online dating -

"You don't look like an anarchist revolutionary yet...."

If I Had the Worth

As I mentioned on my last post I have one more open mic to complete my goal this year. I haven't written a song in six months and I would like something that feels relevant now. So two Tuesdays ago I sat down in the evening with a goal of writing a song (I am never this formal/structured about creativity). I started something and I liked the theme, but not much else about it. I've been working on it off and on the last couple weeks and last night I got it to a place that felt sufficient. Yes sufficient is the word and that makes me laugh. So here it is.

#1-3 - Writing/completing (I think) this song and enjoying recording it this AM. Actually I just looked and it was almost exactly a year ago that I posted my first song/video and I wrote about how scary it was to do that. Now it is not scary and as a comment said last year, "Next scary thing will be to look into the camera while you sing :)." No problem now, though that is in part related to the song I suppose.

#4 - Spending much of my morning reading Jewelweed by David Rhodes.

#5 - Trying to figure out my schedule for the work exchange I do at the yoga studio and laughing instead of becoming frustrated with the complete communication catastrophe that seems to be going on between me and the other person who does this via email. I just need to talk to her on the phone. I just left a message.

Bonus Ted Video

Worthiness

Recently someone congratulated me on accomplishing my goal of playing an open mic every other month this year, (I "only had one left and still had two months to complete it"). Note - I learned one way to make me flip out is to congratulate me for completing something that is not finished. I want to be worthy of the congratulations.

I've been hoping to have a new song to play for my last one, but I haven't written any in months, so I specifically sat down Tuesday evening with the intention of writing a song. I started at least. The theme/repeating line of the song is "If I had the worth." I guess it has been a while coming.

I watched this "Help Desk" video clip with Deepak Chopra a couple months back. A woman was asking about how to enter a healthy relationship. Chopra told her to visualize a relationship - someone she knows or make him up. He then told her to "look them in their eyes and say mentally to them, "I love myself exactly as I am. I am a beautiful person. I am a lovely person. I love myself exactly as I am." Reinforce that. Look that person right in the eye and see the look of recognition in their eyes. Do this, you will attract the right person."

That was powerful for me, because I was surprised by how difficult it was. Do I love myself? Yes. Do I love myself exactly as I am? No. So do I really love myself? Hmm.

I'm reading Brene Brown right now and she asks, "Can we love others more than we love ourselves?" Brown doesn't want the answer to be No, but seems to have decided it is. She goes on to write -

"The greatest challenge for most of us is believing that we are worthy now, right this minute. Worthiness doesn't have prerequisites. So many of us have knowingly created/unknowingly allowed/been handed down a long list of worthiness prerequisites:

I'll be worthy when I lose twenty pounds.
I'll be worthy if I can get pregnant.
I'll be worthy if I get/stay sober.
I'll be worthy if everyone thinks I'm a good parent.
I'll be worthy when I can make living selling my art...


Here's what is truly at the heart of Wholeheartedness: Worthy now. Not if. Not when. We are worthy of love and belonging now. Right this minute. As is. (24)"

The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are: Your Guide to a Wholehearted Life

My list would begin more like:

I'll be worthy when I find a way to connect my gifts with a profession/income...
I'll be worthy when I feel confident of where my life is headed...

Without these things can I look someone in the eye and say I love myself exactly as I am? This moment? No. But I'm willing and that is what is required for change - willingness. I know even if I achieved whatever list I came up with, I would replace it with another, so I can chase a list my whole life, or learn to love the list I have.

I guess Chopra's meditation is a good place to begin.

When I sat down to write this, I began thinking of things I appreciated about my day, but the fact is they were thoughts not feelings. What felt relevant right now was exploring these ideas. So thanks for listening.