Owning Our Story

*Something I could not see (because it was beneath a blanket) came into my room and delivered the artwork pictured below.




*"One of the greatest casualties of invulnerability is this - empathy." - Brene Brown

*"Blame is simply the discharging of discomfort and pain. It has an inverse relationship with accountability. Meaning, that people who blame a lot, seldom have the tenacity and grit to actually hold people accountable, because we expend all of our energy raging for 15 seconds and figuring out whose fault something is. Accountability, by definition, is a vulnerable process. It means me calling you and saying, 'Hey, my feelings were really hurt about this...nananana'..and talking. It's not blaming.

Blaming is simply a way that we discharge anger. Which is really hard. And blaming is very corrosive in relationships and it is one of the reasons we miss our opportunities for empathy. Because when something happens and we're hearing a story, we are not really listening." - Brene Brown

*"We can't orphan our stories. Because the only way we can change our story and have control over the ending, is to own it, you know. And so to me this is about shame resilience. One of the elements of shame resilience is asking for what you need...I ask for what I need, and that is inherently vulnerable. But I think if you love someone and you've got a struggle that you're not getting a response back to, then it is incumbent upon you to reach out and say, 'I love you, here's what I need from you, and here's what it looks like." - Brene Brown



This last one reminds me of a walk I took a couple months ago with a friend. I had just discovered some devastating news and I wasn't even going to bring it up. It was too fresh and we were just taking a quick walk during her lunch break. But pretty quickly into the walk I said, "I wasn't going to even mention this because I am barely processing it myself. It feels very vulnerable, so I really need zero judgement about this."

"Ok, no judgment, I got it," she said and then she followed through. She gave me exactly what I asked for and what I needed in a way that I've rarely felt. Was it because she was so perceptive in that moment or was it because I so specifically told her what would help? Either way I felt immensely grateful. She and I have another walk planned after I bring my niece home tonight.

Fort Ridgely

#1 - My niece spent the weekend camping with me. The temperature hovered somewhere around 45 degrees (7 Celcius) and I don't think I heard her complain all weekend!

Actually her first complaint came when I told her one of the first things we were going to do when we got back was to take a bath and make sure we didn't pick up any ticks. She wanted to wait until she got to her house to take a bath.

#2 - I would not have gone camping this weekend. If it was a solo trip I would have just adjusted my schedule because of the cold rainy weather. If I was bringing kids I would have been even less likely. I was pretty sure my friend (and her friend) would call during the week and ask if we should cancel and I didn't want to, but I also didn't want to convince them it would work/we'd have fun, because I was pretty skeptical.

I am so grateful that neither did they cancel, nor did they hint at canceling. Everyone had a great time. I was only cold briefly, and we were super fortunate that there was zero rain when we set up (most important part) and just the lightest of drizzles when we took down (second most important part).

#3 - We had enough warm/dry clothes. I never even used my down jacket that I brought and everyone (thanks to some sleeping bags we borrowed) stayed warm at night. My friend even said she preferred sleeping in these temps as opposed to the hot summer nights.


#4 - Throwing "Pooh sticks" after "Winnie the Pooh" over the side of a bridge into the creek and then running to the other side to see whose stick goes the fastest/farthest.

(I didn't mention it's called "Pooh sticks" because of certain children who are slightly obsessed with poop.)

#5 - My friend's 7 year old reading The Diary of a Wimpy Kid to my 5 year old niece in the back seat of a dry car, while she ate lunch, and I packed up our wet tent.

Any Guesses Where?

I Will Not Sell

"They deem me mad

 because I will not sell my days for gold;

 and I deem them mad 

because they think my days 

have a price."

Kahlil Gibran

 
It was a splendid spring day and as I contemplated why I was able to enjoy it outside, the above quote came to mine.  I have sold my days, but certainly not to the highest bid, and in exchange I have the opportunity, on days like today, to dive into the world outside.  My only agenda was to bike 3 miles over to a friend's at 9AM for a bit and then bike (or bus) the remaining 16 miles home.

But once I left his house I wasn't in a hurry to get home, I entered the mindset of being away/on vacation.  I biked an extra few blocks to look at Minnehaha Falls, no crowds today.  I laid in the park in the sun.  I took myself out to lunch.  I ordered a slice of key lime pie, but was surprised to find what what most delighted me was not the pie but the free sparkling water on tap.  It really hit the spot.

I biked more, took a brief nap in another park under the budding translucent cottonwood leaves, backlit by the sun, waving in the wind.  At this point I decided to test my time keeping skills, I'd left my friend's at 10:30am, what time was it now?  I guessed 2:52pm, I pulled out my watch and it was 3:02pm.  I biked some more, then made one last stop to pick up a few items for a picnic lunch tomorrow.  After shopping, I decided to test my time skills again.  I guessed 4:42pm, it was 4:50pm.

When I got home I ate a simple/delightful dinner of salmon cream cheese bagels with cucumbers and peppers on top, carrots, and a banana and strawberry smoothie with pineapple juice.

The Mask You Live In

#1 - How do you feel when you leave the doctor?  I usually feel drained, even when I'm healthy and I can say the right things like,  "No I don't smoke.  Yes I exercise."

Today, I went back to the doctor that I had surgery with last fall.  I still have a couple concerns.  She said she wasn't happy I was back but it was good to see me.  I felt the same.  She is the definition of a true healer.  I share things in her presence and naturally expand into my vulnerability.  She is always reassuring and empathetic.  When I leave her office I feel confident, cared for and safe.

She is the definition of a true healer.

#2 - It seems one of my concerns today might have a simple solution.  The other she suggested an ultrasound for, but I explained my insurance changes in two days and I don't think their clinic will be an option for me anymore.  I guess she isn't too concerned on that concern, because she didn't press me on the ultrasound and just dealt with the other issue.

#3 - The Mask You Live In - a movie recommended by a friend, recommended by Pink and now recommended by me

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hc45-ptHMxo

#4 - A college age football player dressed in all his gear except his helmet, with a violin across his shoulder and a smile across his face

#5 - Watching The Mask You Live In with my head against a man's heart

I Forgot to Post

I forgot to post yesterday. I did still write in my journal so they are a bit raw and without explanation.  I'll mostly leave them that way.

#1 - The sound of "Hello" on the phone during lunch.  It made all the difference but also points to how precarious things are.  I found some useful information on helpguide.org.  We'll see what the counselor says tomorrow.  I hope to find relief for my experience of being "idealized one moment and then suddenly believing the person doesn't care enough or is cruel."

#2 - The silence on the phone when I said it seemed when he hurts me I assume it's unintentional or because he is really hurting in himself.  It seems his assumption when I hurt him is either I'm intentional, stupid or cruel.   I don't want to date someone who has such assumptions about me and he shouldn't either.  He was silent.  I was in touch with my primary emotion of anger a bit today which felt good.

#3 - Oh my God, I'm at the DFL senate district meeting.  I came to hear from the legislators and they are debating about how to hold a meeting - kill me softly - oh wow, keepin it light as I write my gratitudes in my journal.  Deep breaths, smiles, room of light.  Now Paul Thissen is talking and I can breathe.

#4 - Three friends are interested in joining me in Sept on a camping trip on the North Shore, looks like either Temperance or Judge C Magney.  Three of us have agreed on a weekend now we just need confirmation from the 4th that it will work.

#5 - Talking to my representative after the meeting to get H.F. info on a bill which will remove the $500,000 per year  storage fee which Excel has been paying per cask of nuclear waste.  The money has gone into a funding stream to develop alternative energy, such as the wind power in SW MN.  It's in HF 2209 the Omnibus Jobs and Energy Bill.  My representative said much of what is happening nationally is happening on a state level.  The gratitude might be hard to find here, but it was that I'm happy my state legislator was disturbed this was being removed and had helped establish it in the first place.

Dave and Amy Freeman

I went to hear Dave and Amy Freeman, a couple who spent a year in the Boundary Waters Canoe Area from 9/24/15-9/23/16 to bring publicity to protect the space from copper sulfide mining, speak tonight.  It is heart-warming to be in the presence of everyday heroes such as those two, especially two people who clearly enjoy each other, it emanates outward.

When Amy spoke about leaving civilization she said that they didn’t leave the real world, “We entered the real world.”  and that “We need everyone to speak loudly for this quiet place.”

I’m thankful to my friend who invited me to go.  I wasn’t sure if I had the energy for it tonight, but it was an event that pulled me out of my own narrow story and into a more expansive and generative one.