Wednesday, July 13, 2016
Panic
Well, my day started with a bit of what I'd describe as a panic attack, that is a self-defined label. It is, unfortunately, familiar to me as it happened three times before, at least five years ago. Long enough that I don't really remember when, but I do recall the feeling and just the inkling that it may happen again is enough to start a wave of fear in me. I feel closed in and trapped and need to get to an open space, though even outside is not enough. Today I went to Eckhart Tolle for help and landed on this clip (#1). I tried to follow his advice, though it didn't seem to help. I still don't know that it did, the fear would come in waves, I'd be fine, then I wasn't, then maybe it's nothing, then it isn't. Eventually a slight smile came on my lips I knew it was over (#2).
The only way that I know Tolle may have helped (#3) is that I felt less fear of this happening again afterwards instead of more (like I usually would). I also felt an unexplicable surge of strength.
I also received an email today from a friend who went to a memorial service for a co-workers's son's suicide. Today I was in a greater space of empathy for what could lead someone to do that (#4), not just intellectually, but feeling a need to escape.
A new/recent Mraz (#5) song - My Own Shit
Everybody got a little bit of their own
I've got voices inside
and I've got fears I still hide
I'm gonna break down sometimes
cause I got tears I must cry
I've got wrongs I get to right
Truth be told I've told some lies
I've got friends I've got to find
and I still need to apologize
We've only got this one life
Me, I want to see it through your eyes
Please try to see it through my eyes
Everybody's got, everybody's got, everybody got, their demons
Everybody got their reasons
Everybody goes through seasons
Trying to hold on
Everybody got their own shit
Everybody's got to own it
Everybody's got those hardships
no you're not alone
I've got my own
See I've had to fall apart
To see what I had inside
Pull myself together and give it one more try
Parents getting older
I gotta pull them closer,
cause I've got to get some closure
And let them know that everybody's got
Everybody gotTheir demons
Everybody got their reasons
Everybody goes through seasons
Trying to hold on
Everybody got their own shit
Everybody's got to own it
Everybody's got those hardships
You're trying to let go of
I've got my own
You name it, I've done it
I stole a heart and broke it
Can't change it
Can't help it
I've got to let it go
Everybody got their own shit
Everybody's got to own it
Everybody's got their hardships
no you're not along
I've got my own
I've got my own
Cause I can't stop now
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Hi Tammy,
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, thanks for sharing the Jason Mraz-song. My internet-connection here is limited and I always have to make sure I've got enough left to work, so I can't listen to the music I want any more, which is pretty tough for Italian radio is a lot of overexcited babbling and, of course, Italian music and the most popular American songs, but that's it. I have to be very selective with streaming radio-programs and youtube, so thanks for the tip, it's a beautiful song (damn, he's always good, isn't he? that voice...) and the text came on the right moment too. Perfect timing, thanks!
Secondly, I've "known" you for so many years and I had no idea about the panic attacks. You always seem so in balance to me.
I have never had a panick-attack, luckily, but I've heard and read it is awful and that the thought of it alone can cause another attack.
I don't know if you have found that something triggered this one, since it had been years ago, but in any case I wish you all the strength you need, should it happen again, and I'm confident that you can deal with this.
Warm hugs,
stephanie