CoDA

Today I was told that I seemed to be a determined person and was asked if I saw myself that way. I think most of us are determined - just in different areas. I don't have my brother's determination to bike a 1000 miles or figure things out on the computer.  But I do always want to know, "What can I learn from this?" 

The difference between stagnation and growth is reaching.

I walked into a cafe recently and saw this on the chalkboard -

"Things are not getting worse, they are getting uncovered, we must hold each other tight and continue to lift the veil." 

- Adrienne Marie Brown 

I'm pretty sure they put it there in the aftermath of the presidential election but it spoke directly to my personal life.

The determination observed in me today was my affirmed intention to keep my heart open, my conviction that I will grow, treating all emotions as guests at this table (per Rumi's advice) - some are more welcome than others, but they are all welcome.  If you exclude pain, pretty soon joy isn't welcome either.

"Make a commitment today
and say these words loud after me - 

I am ready to be a true 
friend of my heart..."

-Guthema Roba

I am on a mission right now to be that true friend.  Luckily I have support for this endeavor.  Last week it began with a few assignments from my couple's counselor

 Assignment #1 - This workbook.  I'm already 2/3 of the way thru.  Some of it I clearly need to go back and spend some more time with to better integrate, but I can't read anything else right now.  If I try I just want to get back to work.

Assignment #2 - Read The Intimacy Factor by Pia Mellody (I have requested it from the library.)

Assignment #3 - Go check out a Co-Dependents Anonymous meeting.  Apparently (in line with boundary workbook), I've been trying to "rescue" and take on things that are not my responsibility.  Trying to change or regulate someone's emotion by changing my own or getting small.

So I'm headed off to my first such meeting tonight.  It is scary in an exciting way, something completely new.  My couple's counselor wasn't sure if there were any in my area and I was happy to find that one is.  The website says, "The only requirement for membership is a desire for healthy and loving relationships."  It's pretty easy to get behind that.

It's interesting because when I tried to understand why someone would be resistent to working on this - the counselor said, "Everyone likes the results, that doesn't mean they want to work to change."  Kind of like everyone likes the results of an exercise program, doesn't mean they want to work on one.

So I'm typing this up right before I head off to the meeting.  Maybe I'll feel like posting more gratitudes about it when I get back, but if not, I can at least say I'm grateful to be trying, trying enough to see the brilliant blue behind glistening white on a roofline and treetops, trying enough to laugh when I kept typing "maraconi" instead of "macaroni" today, trying enough to know you and I and everyone are so deserving of light.