Judge C. R.

#1 - My two friends and I completed a beautiful weekend together at Judge C.R. Magney state park near Lake Superior. The last time the three of us camped together was 9 years ago, before one of us got married and had kids. The forecast was for stormy weather, but the only rain came at night. I'm so glad we didn't let the forecast change our plans.

#2 - Waking up after a good, long, peaceful night's sleep in a tent. I had a couple panic attacks while camping last summer. The first at night in the tent during a thunderstorm, the second at night in the tent when the wind blew (but no storm came). So this year I've been on edge about camping and reminding my body that it loves it, not to fear it. This weekend there were storms forecast during camping, which happened Friday night. Thankfully they never got too close or intense, but I still had a hard time for a while. Last night, storms were also a possibility, but they didn't come and I was so happy to fall asleep easily, and sleep peacefully the entire night.

#3 - I passed our extra kindling on to a family camping beside us before we left. Occasionally someone will be surprised that I camp alone (sometimes), I always find the only people who express such fears to me are people who don't camp. Here are the encounters we had with other people at our campground.

First, one of my friends ran into a family she is really close to. We were over 4 hours from home and here at the same campground, without her knowledge, are people she loves and trusts. Then the people at the site next to ours, without a word between us, gave us some kindling, they said it was hard to get the logs started for a fire. Then while we were at the first someone with a headlamp approached our site to ask if we had any salt or pepper. Nope.

#4 - When we were getting ready to leave the campsite I motioned my friends over and initiated a group hug and a thank you to the trees, the earth and the sky.

#5 - On the drive home one of my friends made a comment about me. Soon after I realized it hurt my feelings. I became curious about my reaction. Yep this is what I do, I stuff it. I know it wasn't a big deal or intentional so I just act as if nothing happens even though, inside, I'm in pain. Hmm. Then I started feeling down on myself for reacting that way. "What can I do differently?" I decided to wait until we stopped as I was sitting in front and she in back. Then I put my arm around her and said, "I know you didn't mean to hurt me, but when you said...I felt hurt."

And then it was gone. It was that simple.

I don't think I would have ever done that if I hadn't been doing all the work I have been with the guy I'm dating. And the remarkable thing was I no longer had to carry it with me. It was gone.

And later my friend said she hadn't meant to be hurtful, which I knew, which is why I didn't want to say anything. Well that and admitting your hurt is a vulnerable thing, especially if it seems small and like you, "shouldn't be" or are "too sensitive".

As Brene Brown says, "Vulnerability is courage."

Market and Soccer

#1 - Last Sunday I had the best several hours I've had in many months.  I finally had the emotional well-being, time alone and space to take a "date" with myself - to follow my joy, to turn deep within.  The next morning, I woke up a half an hour before my alarm morning and read more, played a little guitar and started the work week in such an energized space.  However somehow a day or two later things shifted, plans led to frustration and I started waking up early feeling anxious instead of energized.  Each day earlier - one day 5:30AM, then 5:00 AM, yesterday I woke up at 4:15AM after a bad dream and today 3 something (though I did go back to sleep).  Today, it was good to go from that to the farmers' market, to spend the day outside with people, and asking children if they wanted to spit watermelong seeds.

#2 - Despite the lightning, rain and wind during market set-up, the weather calmed by opening time and people were able to participate in the watermelon seed spitting contest.  And even better, my favorite watermelon seed spitting assistants arrived to help out.
 
#3 - Watching the assertive energy of my niece as she ran up and down the soccer field, the first time I've seen her play a game.

#4 - Also witnessing her skill and ease in social interactions - something I never had.  I appreciate how naturally it comes to her.

#5 -

The Quiet Outside

The Quiet Inside

The Quiet Within

*****

P.S.  I listened to this podcast on Wednesday, and I can't help but share it.  I LOVE Brene Brown and Lewis Howes! Here is the link to the podcast.

“What’s your definition of greatness?”  Lewis Howes

 

“To own your story and love yourself through that process

that is greatness to me.”  Brene Brown

 


https://lewishowes.com/podcast/r-brene-brown-create-true-belonging-and-heal-the-world/





"There's only two kinds of kids you raise. Kids who will ask for help when they need it, or kids who won't. And that's as good as it gets, is to raise a kid who will ask for help." Brene

"Yeah I never asked for help." Lewis, "I was always suffering inside, and I always felt shameful, guilty. My way of asking was being angry, resentful, mad, hitting people in sports, or outside of sports because that is all I knew."

Just Be

#1 - My friend has been sending me pieces of a memoir he is working on.  Last night I printed out the next segment with the plan to savor it in the backyard with a smoothie (but I was too content to read) or before bed (but I ended up not turning on any evening lights).  This morning I was being kind of pokey about fully waking up, until I remembered I still had the next section to read, and then I instantly turned on the light and began.

#2 - "Mom that truck says, 'Tree Care Service', but it's actually 'Tree Killing Service'," my friend's 8 year old.

#3 - Getting to hear about the first week of school after 8 years of being a full time at home mom and the stress my friend feels lifted she didn't even know she was carrying.

#4 - So far both of those children are enjoying their new schools, and apparently have requested another sleep over at my house.  I haven't seen them enough lately, so we might have to wait until the farmer's market is over, but I'd like to make that happen.

#5 - Having some SPACE and, most likely, early bedtimes in my weekend.  Plans to be quiet at home.  There is a lot of beautiful things to enjoy and venture towards in life and too much time idle gets boring, but too little, and I miss it dearly. 

This weekend maybe I'll have some time to read a book, organize a little, write a letter, or just be.  I can't play guitar unfortunately because I was trying an Ani DiFranco tuning recently and I broke a string.