Ponder in Openness

#1 - Shelby's encouraging hug and empathetic words after my writing and meditation class.  This is an elder that I've met five times, and who told me what I left that she loved me.

#2 - The man in my life being concerned I hadn't told my friend about our recent challenges and saying he would explain it to her.  Leading to an impromptu exit ramp an hour an a half later to take him up on his offer.

#3 - My friend was available and came.  This was much better than me explaining it myself, "Thank you God" I wrote in my journal after - "thank you support network".

#4 - A statement which my friend repeated to me when I dropped her off, that I wrote it my journal, and really need to sit with and consider.  In addition, to being supportive, she said a few things that were hard to hear.  And that is one thing a good friend will do - ask you to look at yourself.

She also commented that living together speeds things up - either way.  She suggested a two week trial run - see how it goes.  It was just great for both this suggestion and others - to have an outside perspective, she gave me multiple things to ponder and wonder about in an open and receptive way.

#5 - I almost forgot, but my college age cousin was visiting and she insisted on starting our day with a meditation.  I resisted, didn't think we had time, but she pushed and of course
it was what I most needed.

Walking

Besides groceries and a little cooking - I didn't plans for today or tomorrow.  Sometimes I'd want to dive into things at home - but I've had the past couple weekends for that, especially last weekend with the snowstorm.

I started calling friends to see if I could find someone to go for a walk.  After a bit one responded and we made a plan for later tomorrow afternoon.  I did some cooking and dishes and grocery lists, but I then I didn't want to wait for tomorrow to go outside and I was having difficulty motivating myself to do anything alone.  I called a fried that moved recently, he didn't move far and though he wasn't available for the walk, it was good to talk quick and get his new address (#1).  I tried my sister-in-law, I left another message...then I went outside and sat on the front step.  I had thought about biking to the store or the library, but I pretty much gave up and it seemed enjoying the sun on the front step was as far as I was going to get today.  I had aspirations for more, but not the motivation to make those aspirations happen myself.  Soon after I gave in, the phone rang and a friend said yes he'd love to go on a long walk (#2).

I've wanted to have this friend over for dinner for over a year since I unexpectedly came across him at a poetry event and learned he is now living in the area.  We actually had plans for him to come over once for dinner and he never arrived, he forgot.  But now he was headed over for a walk, and it was close to dinner time so I started cooking.  Usually I don't have much to cook on Saturdays as I grocery shop Sundays, but because of the snowstorm I shopped later in the week and so I made us sweet potato quesadillas (#3).

Then we headed out for our 6 plus mile walk around a lake.  I was surprised by the speed at which my friend was walking.  I had to keep up.  When we got back to the car he said he's had a hard time walking because of some nerve damage.

 "You were really booking it I would have never guessed." I replied.

"I was frustrated so just pushing through it," he responded.  "But then you had us stop and said this was Medicine Lake so if you need any medicine you can ask.  I thought about asking about this pain but then I thought that was dumb.  But then I thought, 'Why not?' so I did and after that it stopped hurting."  (#4)

"Wow. 

Maybe because 'What you resist persists,' maybe you let go of some of your resistance after you asked the lake?"

Or maybe nature is just magic (#5)

Holding On

#1 - The middle of February 2017 was super warm, as was the middle of March 2015.  These both corresponded precisely to warm things occurring in my life. I try not to talk about the fact that the weather revolves around my life for a couple of reasons. I don't want to take it for granted.  Or at the same time, imply that the weather does what I want.  Plus it's not really polite to tell other people the weather revolves around you.  Granted I don't mean the weather in the entire world, but even in a metropolitan area of a couple million that seems a bit self-centered.

But seriously this weekend it's hard to deny.  The fact that warmth has only made an intermittent appearance and the cold and storms of winter keep holding on.  The fact that things seem resistant to melting and opening and change?

Yep that's my life.

I hadn't thought about it until I wrote this but this could make me sound like some sort of sorceress.  If I have any responsibility in this matter, all I can say is I'm doing my best to shift out of old patterns.

And as I was about to finish writing this it started to hail. 

#2 - So after it shifted more to a sleet I rushed outside to complete my last cleaning task, emptying the garbage/recycling.  It's not that I want it to be in hail or sleet, but it does feel in alignment with my life.

#3 - Sometimes just getting something out in the open, to be seen and witnessed is a relief, getting to the root of things.  My word of the year is BRANCH, so it feels good to get down to the root.

#4 - After I finish cleaning the yoga studio, and pick up a couple groceries.  I don't really have anywhere I need to go this weekend.  My soccer game is outdoors, so will be canceled, and I suspect my monthly writing and meditation class will too.

#5 - Finally, I bought some blueberries last month because they were on sale and I soon regretted it.  I had just recently been to the dentist and my teeth looked bright and white, then I ate them and despite brushing right afterwards they were stained.  I tried baking soda, which helped, but only a little.

Then I started using this new electric toothbrush from my brother, and today I noticed after brushing my teeth that the stain is gone!  It's like I went to the dentist!

Nikita Gill

I am in the middle of a ten week Writing Through Trauma class.  I hesitated to sign up, as I wasn't sure what inspired me to take the class qualified as "trauma", but in fact it seems I belong there more than I expected.  We have talked and written about trauma in big and small ways - from not being picked on a team for school, to more serious infractions.

I have been surprised, again and again, how touching a simple role play experience can be.  Today we started out doing a bit of improvisation, definitely outside my comfort zone, but I go with it.  We walked around acting like we were in complete control.  Then we walked around as if we were out of control.  Somehow this ended up with us making a declaration.  My declaration was about being open.

Then we returned to writing and wrote a list of blocks between us and our declaration - so in my case, blocks to my openness.  One of my blocks was an early childhood memory of my Dad yelling at me to, "Stop crying!"  After that my mother later told me that she never saw me cry again.  And it's true, I learned to hold in my tears - either permanently - or until I could be alone.  That may have served a protective purpose, but as a habit it inhibits connection, not only with other people, but also with myself!

Then a couple of us acted out one of our blocks. I picked the door at the edge of my room to represent my openness, then I picked a classmate to be my mom partially in between me and the door and another classmate to be my father, fully blocking the door.  To my surprise with just a little dialogue and role play I ended up crying. I don't know how much changes from an activity like this, but in the moment at least, I do know it brings understanding and peace.

I also shared with the class a poem, The Bones of Trauma, from a book/author I discovered at the library yesterday.  Wild Embers - Poems of Rebellion, Fire and Beauty by Nikita Gill.  It's not often I read a book of poetry straight through, but after opening to random page after random page, and feeling riveted by each of them, I not only want to read it straight through, I feel compelled to.

I just looked her up online - Nikita Gill - Wow.  I'm reading through her instagram posts and having a hard time picking one to post here.  So I'll just say if you have any interest, check her out...