Wingspan

 

#1 - I gave "Wingspan" a board game where you learn about birds as a Christmas gift, but I didn't have the brain capacity to figure out how to play it over the weekend.  Today I started watching instructional videos on it and I almost have it.  I discovered there is a Youtube channel called BoardGameGeek where they not only explain the game, but you can watch them play the entire board game.  

#2 - One of the comments under that board game video said, "This video helped me learn the game. Reading 12 pages of instructions really makes someone question if it’s worth it. The video made it easier."  

#3 - I would like to be able to play this game with my brother, sister-in-law and niece.  I miss spending time with them, but am very fortunate.  Even though we aren't getting together indoors right now, they live very close to some cross-country skiing, so that is something we can do together this weekend.

#4 - I made some fish tacos for dinner with a grapefruit-jalapeno-avocado salsa.  I don't think I'd choose to put grapefruit in my tacos again, but at least I tried something new.

#5 - I didn't really think about my dad this Christmas as the four of us went to a camper cabin at a state park.  I wasn't sure sharing a one room cabin would be a good idea since the four of us have already spent so much time together these past months, but it actually went really well.  I read out loud to them, which they seemed to be getting too old for, but I found a book they liked which we started listening to on the drive, an adult novel this time  - Handmaid's Tale.  We played games and cross-country skied.  But all 3 nights since we've been back I've dreamt about my dad's home and getting it cleaned out, or selling it, and now it does seem sad to not be able to call him or stop by.  Though with Co-Vid I wouldn't want to stop by anyway and I imagine he would be quite lonely.  Hopefully he is in a better place, I used to believe that to be true, now I don't know.

Conjunct

 #1 - My friend tried cross-country skiing yesterday.  I emailed to ask how the lesson went and she wanted to call me to tell me about it.  Yeah, way better than a screen!

#2 - After looking to the sky just after sunset the past 5 or 6 days to see if I could see the jupiter/saturn conjunction, it was finally mostly clear at that time.  We hopped into the car and drove to a water tower a mile or two away to found a small group of other people doing the same, one with a large telescope.

#3 - I had an interview for a job at NAMI MN (National Alliance for Mental Illness) a couple weeks ago.  I didn't hear back about a second interview, but I signed up anyway for a couple of their online trainings.  Today I took one on suicide prevention. The woman presented both interesting facts as well as personal stories from her own life. 

#4 - Since the session was on Zoom and none of the participants had their cameras on, I was able to sort my parents' photos while I listened.  

#5 - This meant the photos I've had laying all of the floor are now stacked into relatively chronological piles.

Think Small

 I will postdate this entry as I forgot it was a online gratitude day yesterday.  It was one of those days that I struggled to get to five gratitudes - not because I had a bad day - just because nothing really stood out.  When that happens I practice my mantra in this situation, "Think Small".

It was really hard for me to wake up in the morning as my alarm went off in the middle of a dream.  In the dream, even though I had passed on the keys, I still had a set and went back to my dad's house.  They hadn't changed the locks so I went in because I knew we left more things over there that still needed to be cleaned out.  I took a skillet from the kitchen and then I went in my brother's room and there were a number of things - a fishing set etc.  I was nervous Habitat for Humanity (who bought the house) was going to arrive while I was over there.  So I was trying to finish taking care of things while watching for them.  Of course they did arrive.  They were not angry at all, but I still felt stressed/deceptive.  Anyway my gratitude in all this is that when I finally woke up, this was just a dream and we DID clean out everything we needed to from that house.

#2 - Michael arrived to our yoga class (which we try to do together at home once a week) at 6AM, and I needed yoga this AM because my neck was cricked.

#3 - Michael liked the kale and apple quesadilla I made for dinner which is a super quick and easy meal that I enjoy as well.

#4 - Laying by the heating vent with my feet is super relaxing and a great bedtime transition and time to reflect and be quiet and think about my dad.

#5 - The trash in the kitchen was smelly, I emptied it and washed out the can as well.  I also put the sink drain/stoppers in the dishwasher.

Dumpling Dinner

 #1 - I went for a jog this AM, it took 26 minutes before I started to feel glad about it.  I'm grateful that in early Dec I can still jog this week, esp with Co-Vid limiting exercise options.  Though I would also be glad to have snow.  It was a little slippery on and off the sidewalks, but I didn't get hurt.

#2-3 - We wrote out a rough meal plan for a state park camper cabin visit this winter.  It was during this that I also felt grateful for something Michael's daughter said.  I'm going to refrain from sharing that here as I don't think it's mine to share.

#4 - Michael made a delicious dumpling dinner and seemed to be enjoying himself in the kitchen as he prepared it.

#5 - I started a conversation about something Michael can feel judged about, which ruined his previously listed happy mood.  However with perseverance we were able to reconnect.  I ended up having a deeper understanding and apologized for some hurt in our relationship from our initial dating and how I failed to connect and communicate.  Better late than never.

Thanksgiving Poem

 I started the day with a long (2 hour) walk, which I haven't done for quite a while.  The warm sun and the time outside felt great since we had our Thanksgiving meal later.  (Michael's daughters were with their mom on Thanksgiving.)  I spent the first 1.5 hours mulling thru my thoughts, and the last half hour memorizing a poem called Moth Koan.  Right before I got home I came across our neighbor walking her dog with her early elementary age daughter.  I asked, "Do you want to hear the poem I just memorized?"  

They said, "yes." 

I told them it's called Moth Koan.  A "koan" is kind of like a riddle so it may not make sense right away and I was still trying to figure it out.  

After we parted I thought, "I should give them the poem." I had it in my pocket on a piece of paper.  As I turned, my neighbor was coming back to ask me the author of the poem so they could look it up!  She wanted to share it with her other daughter.

Michael planned our Thanksgiving meal which included - turkey, tofu, stuffing, gravy, mashed potatoes, cranberry-wheatberry salad and apple-fennel slaw.  Oh and also a buttermilk pie, which I'd never heard of. I helped cook, but did my part in the dining room which worked better as we have a small kitchen and it kept me from getting in the way.  Michael had already done a bunch of prep work on Thanksgiving day.

After dinner Michael's 15 year old asked if we could play Catan.  I was grateful that she suggested spending time together.  Our first thanksgiving together was in 2015 and Michael and I started a tradition where we share a list of gratitudes for each of the girls that (ideally) we've compiled over the year.  Michael said he wasn't ready and we had a bit of back and forth about it since they go back to their mom's tomorrow.  It isn't a tradition I want to let go of.  Finally I asked what he suggested and he asked to share them on Christmas instead.  The girls are with us for Christmas this year, and because of Co-Vid we won't be visiting any other family, so I said that would be fine.  Michael seemed to really appreciate this.

Pinch

 #1 - We walked to the local hardware store to buy the MN cross-country ski pass for this winter.

#2 - My partner yelled at me on that walk because I pinched him, when I was trying to get his attention/pull him back to show him something.  I have done this a few times when I've reached for him.  I'm just trying to grab his coat, but apparently I get his skin and he really doesn't like it.  That certainly put a damper on our walk.  However we came up with a plan later. I'm going to practice grabbing his whole arm, because otherwise I don't know how to stop this impulse that I occasionally have when he's out of reach.

#3 - We looked up some extended stay options in Northern MN.  Our therapist actually suggested it as my partner wants to move up there eventually and I'm not so sure about that.  She suggested since we could try it right now to go up there for a month this winter, one option because of Co-Vid and working from hom.  I didn't have time before selling my dad's house to put much energy into this.  And at this point I really can't find anyplace with a month available (plus it's just too much money), but two weeks we could possibly do. 

#4 - I am asking life for help with #3 - that if we decid to do it it won't feel like a burden.  (Just the thought of planning meals for those two weeks kind of tires me out - since we'd stay in a place with a kitchen, but have to start from scratch for all the meals).  I hope that either things flow to support this, or we could let it go and direct our energy elsewhere.

#5 - My friend consulted us for tent/sleeping bag recommendations. I didn't have any specific suggestions but Michael did and I bet my brother will too.

Just Move

I was dancing in my chair while working on the computer today and enjoying a Spanish playlist including:

TINI, Alejandro Sanz - Un Beso en Madrid, 

Cali Y El Dandee - Sirena

 and many other songs I hadn't heard before which put a happiness into my day.

I think I'm more nervous now than I was before and during election week, a wounded cornered animal is dangerous.  So listening to songs like 

David Bisbal, Aitana - Si Tú La Quieres

is probably a better use of my energy today.  And reminded me to return to some Aitana songs I was into a couple years ago.  I haven't had a dance party for a long time, and this was just a chair dance party, but it worked.

Maybe for Some Reason I Don't Know Is Better

"I don't have to do this," is the thought I had as I pulled into the title company parking lot to sign and hand away the keys to my father's house.

Once I got inside there was the guy from Habitat for Humanity waiting.  We began to talk, and I almost which we could have talked more, but right away they got started with the papers.  Later when I passed the keys to him,

I could not think of anyone else I'd rather pass the house keys too.

I scheduled a visit to our couple's therapist (for just me) after having a dream about my dad a couple weeks ago that was really upsetting.  I've had lots of dreams about him coming back, and being confused if he's dead and what is he going to do since we got rid of his clothes? and his tools?  But this dream was different and I knew the closing on the house would be sad so it seemed like a good plan to make an appointment. I felt ok today, however it was still helpful to talk to her, especially about some unrelated, yet related family things which made me really appreciate my brother, whom I need to call and tell this, because he really helped me a couple weeks ago when I was upset from an extended family member.  I was reminded of this today while talking to the therapist today.  I also thanked our therapist for giving me the nudge to have Michael sleep over at my dad's.  I had wanted to do this, but it had felt hard to get him over there and then the bed was gone so it was too late, but our therapist  encouraged me to.  

Usually when I sleep I like to have my own space, otherwise I'm too conscious of my movements potentially being disturbing.  At my dad's we put two twin mattresses next to each other on the floor, since that was all that was left.  I laid next to him, fully expecting to move over at some point onto my own mattress.  But I ended up sleeping beside him all night.  It was so nurturing to have him beside me and I slept easily and well.  I teared up today when I recounted this, and I thanked our counselor for giving me the nudge to make it happen.

On the way home I stopped at a Swedish store that I've heard of but never been to.  I thought of it when I realized I was probably close by and then there it was.  My co-worker at the election board asked me about it because it isn't far from me and she really likes it.  I've been wondering where I could get the larger packages of flat bread that my father used to have and Michael has started to enjoy since we brought his extras here. I guessed maybe my dad got them at Ikea?  Well, I found a smaller closer option today.

I was disappointed that we were not able to get a camper cabin reservation this winter.  They opened and almost instantly were booked Michael said.  But I called the state parks and found a 2nd option that works, and maybe for some reason I don't know, is better.

Slideshow

 Besides having a lot of pictures to organize and go thru - there are a number of carousels of old school slides from my dad's house. My thought/hope was that if we were in good enough position at my dad's before the closing that we could watch them as a family.  However that thought ended quickly when I tried to use the slide projector a few weeks ago and it soon got stuck.  After trying to fix it myself and researching getting it fixed etc. I just moved all the slides and the projector to deal with in the future.  

I did send an email to friends, maybe one of their parents had a projector?  I found two friends with family members who had projectors.  Both family members live a few hours away, so once again, at some point in the future I'll do it...  

Then a 3rd friend wrote, "Did you find a projector?  My dad has one you could maybe borrow."  At first I told her thanks and maybe I'd get back to that at some point.  Then I realized her dad lives locally and the house is almost done...  Long story short, she already dropped off projector and it seems to work!

I am about to go over to my dad's house and hopefully reduce the number of slides to a manageable number for a viewing.  I told all this to my partner in the City of Minneapolis voting.  We are working together for a few works to help tabulate the mail in ballots.  And this stranger, who I just met last week, when I told her about the broken slide projector said, "I have a slide projector you can use."  So now I even have a back up slide projector!  And it makes me so happy to think we could do a meaningful activity at my dad's house as we say good-bye.  

Also we are way ahead in vote tabulation, so the city of Minneapolis at least is on top of things.  We started today an hour later because of this which made it easier to get up and do yoga beforehand.

And I wasn't going to be able to type gratitudes today as there is no longer internet at my dad's.  However, I accidently left the house with our garage door opener.  Michael could still get in the garage using the opener in the car, but I was worried they might be searching for the opener in the house and get frustrated and I was not coming back til tomorrow.  Then I thought, "Maybe there is a reason I need to stop by at home."  I haven't really found that reason, unless you consider it writing this.  So let's say I'm grateful to keep to my gratitude schedule because of the opener.

I Hope This is A Nice Journey

 #1 - I had multiple calls to make for bills for my dad's house - ending service.  Some said nothing, some said, "I'm sorry for your loss."  One woman said, "I hope this is a nice journey for you."  And it was so sweet because it wasn't something she felt she was "supposed" to say, it was an authentic response to my situation.

#2 - I'm simply grateful once again to be working with Habitat for Humanity on my dad's house. I feel comfortable emailing them with my questions like, "Do you want me to put the air conditioning cover on outside that my dad made?"

#3 - I had some items to drop off at the Salvation Army thrift store, so I decided to jog from there, just having a slightly different route made it go so much faster.

#4 - I signed up for an online writing class Root Chakra Writing and Yoga that will be for a few weeks next month for a local teacher I enjoy.

#5 - A couple friends have access to slide projectors, one at her parents, one at her sister's.  They are both out of town, but maybe at some point I could borrow them and sort thru my dad's slides.

My Plant's New Home

 Because I left the car at my dad's place, I biked to soccer.  It was a gorgeous day for a bike ride and soccer was only 3 miles away so I'm glad I was without a driving option.  

A month or so I started playing soccer again, while it's still outdoors.  It's been tough physically to keep up, and I miss my old team who are on a Covid hiatus, but today the bike ride and the run were a welcome addition to my day.

I rented a Uhaul to move a few larger items from my dad's house.  The check engine light turned on pretty early in our journey.  We called them and they said, "We already know about that."  So I'm glad we didn't have a long drive and made it back to the location alright.

  I didn't really have enough to move to justify the rental myself, but a friend of mine took the dining room table and chairs, the rocking chair and a few other things.  It is so nice to have those things at his place, with the stipulation that if he doesn't want them anymore to ask me before getting rid of them.  It's difficult to get rid of so much of my father at once, so this helps a bit.  We also helped him move a few of his things from the garage to the 2nd floor where he just moved.  It was good to get the exercise and support my friend as he had a heart attack a few years ago.

One of the things we moved here was my giant plant.  I brought it home from school when it was small back in 2nd or 3rd grade.  At first I was really happy to have it here, a big burst of green in our dining room, something I didn't know if would make the journey, especially without renting a truck.  A little later though looking at it made me sad.  That plant has always been in my father's house.  I thought it was too big to ever leave my father's house, but that plant being here means my father's house is no more, or at least soon to be no more my father's house.

P.S. I already posted this, but couldn't believe I forgot such an important gratitude.  At dinner Michael asked his youngest a question, she didn't really answer (which can set him off).  Then he said, "I am noticing myself getting frustrated so let me be clear about my expectations" and then he explained what he needed from her.  Way to go!

The Secrets We Keep

 Michael and I joined a monthly couples group last fall, loosely originating from a Zen meditation center.  We both really enjoyed it.  Things got wacky, as did everything this spring.  The group was supposed to take a break over the summer regardless, and today all 7 couples were back on Zoom to do it again this year.  I'm so grateful we were able to meet in person multiple times to establish a foundation for the group, and that everyone else seems to value it as much as we do.  Though it's not ideal, everyone is willing to do it online.

 Our discussion questions for today were

• What have you noticed (and maybe changed) about yourself during the pandemic?
• Have there been any changes for you as a couple regarding any aspect of your relationship?
• If you have had any issues with stress/anxiety/depression how have you managed to keep grounded. i.e, in other words what has kept you going?

I mostly talked about my father as his death, going thru his house etc and the pandemic are one to me.  In a way it felt like skirting the question, but that is the biggest shift in my personal world, so it is also my truth.

As people were open with their sharings, and even Michael shared something I haven't heard him say before, I was reminded of the adage, "We are only as sick as the secrets we keep," which I just looked up and apparently comes from AA.

After that Michael's eldest picked an outdoor activity for a family activity this month - picking pumpkins at a small farm.  I let her drive on some streets with higher speed limits then I have before, since we were outside the city, and she did great.

Great Storm Clouds

 #1 - A few neighborhood families have started taking a walk in the morning before at home school.  Today one of the girls seemed to still be dressed in her flannel onesie with earmuffs on her head.

#2 - I only had a few groceries and the co-op is only a mile away so I biked there.  On the way home I was thinking about how on one street the there is a slight elevation at one intersection, but a couple streets over the slight elevation is a bit north.  I would never pay attention to these things if I were in a car.

#3 - Michael called the city a few weeks ago because he suspects that the shaking that sometimes happens to the house when a big truck rolls by is because of a pothole.  Today the county came to fill the hole.  

#4 - We are in a pretty good place with my dad's house.  There is still more to do, but the quantity of things that I have no idea what to do with is limited.  I am going to bring a big box of that stuff to the Tool Library next week in the hope they will have a use for it, and if not I'll have to figure it out.  But for now, most of the stuff at least has an eventual destination and so I feel ok with spending some time outdoors this weekend.

#5 - Great Storm Clouds - Trevor Hall - thanks Micheal

 Not sure why I can't get this video embedded, but if you could use an encouraging song - 

https://youtu.be/s0hj99x4iWw

great storm clouds

 holding rain

it’s part of nature

to hold a bit of pain

all in all that rain falls

and then we watch

 a new thing grow