I'm Open

#1 - "...dinner was lovely - what a great group of women!" An email from a friend.

#2 - A Lewis Howes/Byron Katie interview seemed to pop up on my computer by itself.  I've listened to it before, but I just let it play, and enjoyed it again.

#3 - I have a good friend from high school that lives out of town.  We usually talk about once a year, around my birthday.  She emailed me last week to set up a time and we now have it scheduled in a week.  It's an evening when I'll be home alone as Michael will be taking a community ed cooking class with his daughter.  I look forward to curling up on the couch in my pajamas and checking in on what has changed, and what has remained the same in the last year.

#4 - My partner and I have counseling tonight.  Our last appt was 7 weeks ago and our next appt will probably be in 6 weeks or so.  So it's nice to have space now when we aren't "working," and, it's nice to have someone to help guide us. 

I'm hoping tonight to schedule a family appointment for the four of us.  Early in our relationship I talked to Michael about going to a counselor and we scheduled an appt before we had a fight/needed it.  The idea was I wanted to have something in place before we needed it. And actually our first appt ended up being right around the time we had our first conflict.

 So it's possible something like this will happen again. But my idea is that I want to go in when there isn't an issue.  So the girls can have a pleasant and positive experience -
#1 - Just for themselves in case they ever need it, it will hopefully seem less foreign/scary
#2 - For our family, in case we ever need some outside help negotiating things

Recently Michael's eldest said to me, "The people that most need counseling don't go to counseling, it's the people around them that go." 

"Wow," I replied. "That makes a lot of sense."

#5 - There is this women where I've been taking yoga who I find extremely soothing and relaxing.  I just love listening to her voice.  I saw on the schedule that she teaches a "calming yoga" class at 8pm on Thursday nights and I've been meaning to check it out.  If I find her calming in a regular yoga class, how much more so in this class!

Tonight I finally planned to go, but I just looked at the schedule online and see someone is listed as subbing for her.  This is disappointing, however, I'm glad I saw it so I can decide if I still want to go since the specific reason I was attending was because she was the teacher. I'm not good at last minute changes, but I'm telling the universe, "I'm open."

Gently Allowing

We had ideal cross-country ski conditions when I went out last weekend, and I wanted to get a ski in today before the rain/snow mix changed that.  About the time I wanted to go there was the lightest drizzle - this didn't make the ski enticing, I really didn't want to go anymore.

But I went and by the time I got there it had stopped.

I skied at the golf course nearby - my third time there.  The first time I did the 4K loop twice.  The second time it was snowing, and the snow was icy and the wind was blowing, and any time my back wasn't to the wind it hurt my face.  I had to look straight down and the snow was blowing over the trail and since it was a golf course, the trail was not obvious.  So I only did the loop once.

Since today the conditions were good, I figured I'd do the loop twice again.  However half way thru the first loop I started doubting that and 3/4 of the way thru I knew I wasn't going to get a second loop in.  I was tired.  This was depressing.  I did two loops no problem the first time I skied there in Dec.  Why was this so daunting now?  Would I get back to two loops at all this season?  It's one thing to start lower and work up, but go backwards?  I finished my first loop resigned and out of breath.

I looked at the map and there were two cut backs so that you could ski more without skiing the entire loop.  I was disappointed in myself for not being up to my previous ski, but at least I could do that.  I'd do a little more and turn back at either the first or second cut back.

So I started skiing and passed the 1K cut back.  When I got to the 2K cut back I was feeling pretty good, actually better than I had on the first loop.  I briefly considered not stopping at all, but I pulled over to the 2K sign and considered.  I could stop here and go back.  That would be fine, it was still 6K which is great.  I still did close to half of the second loop.  And I knew I had the energy for that.  But something in me was in it now, "No, I can do the whole thing." 

To my surprise I did!

So the gratitude here could be that I did the full thing, and it is, but the main gratitude is the ATTITUDE with which I did it.  Sure I was disappointed in myself that I decided not to do two loops, but I also let it go.  I did not tell myself I had to do two loops, I did it before, or I had to do two because I could do it, or that I had something to prove.  Sometimes people force themselves to do things.  And granted I did force myself to get out and ski when I didn't really feel like it.  However, I also let go of the 2nd loop, I made a compromise with myself, and from that letting go the desire emerged to keep going.  I didn't force, I allowed.  And that is what I find the most beautiful.  Giving space inside for surfacing.

And I'm also making a little reputation for myself as the woman on the bus with the skis.  Ok, since I've only done this twice, probably not, but I know I've never seen anyone ride the bus with skis before.  I'm not really sure why because it actually worked well - today at least - last time my ski didn't time up as well for my bus ride home.

And I had a simple dinner red lentil and sweet potato dinner ready to heat up.

And my partner, his ex-wife and their eldest are all out together having some family/parental conversations.  And I'm grateful to I know their conversations will be more harmonious than the conversations my parents had when I was her age - even though my parents were not divorced.

10 Year Coming Up

*Believe it or not - March 1st, 2020 will mark the ten year anniversary of my daily gratitude practice!  I want to acknowledge it in some way or another and do something special.  When I took care of my friend's kids for a few days in November, afterwards she wanted to pay me.  I said I didn't need her to, she still wanted to.  So I said.  "In a few months will be the 10 year anniversary of my writing gratitudes.  I'd like to do something special.  Maybe if I find something, you can pay for it or help pay - depending on what it is."

So now I had a date and a funding supply, I just needed an idea.

I've thought about it off and on, I had looked up and thought up possibilities, but none of them made me say, "Yes!"  I'm still figuring it out, but today I came upon something that made me think "yes".

**Two years ago I did an "Escape Room" for my birthday with friends.  I didn't actually expect to like it but I really enjoyed it.  Afterwards I thought, "This would be a good thing to do with my soccer team."  I have a great deal of respect for the people I play soccer with, but despite playing with some of them for years, most of them I hardly know.  Plus most of us are introverts, so on the rare occasion that one of us invites the others to a party or something, not that many people go.  But I think these rooms are a great way for people to interact in a fun way without have to make small talk.  I asked my team recently (of 13 people) how many would be interested and 11 said yes!  I just sent an email with a list of dates and times - hoping the logistics won't be too complicated.  One of the date options is March 1st - my 10 year gratitude anniversary.

***I also found some more retreat options for my partner.  He has wanted to take some time to reflect on his time being out of work and what he experienced/learned etc.  And when I was looking for ideas for me, I found ideas for him.

****I saw that they are doing the art shanties again this year in Minneapolis starting this weekend.  They are artistic ice houses with activities etc inside.

*****I met my partner Michael and his daughters while on a cross-country ski weekend with a local outdoors club in 2015.  We all went on the same weekend in 2016,  and in 2018 we also brought my niece.  In 2019 Michael did not have a job and we skipped it.  We just asked the girls tonight if they wanted to go this year.  They didn't participate in the outdoor activities a whole lot last time - or at least the skiing. The youngest pretty quickly said, "Yes."  The oldest, was more reluctant, but eventually gave a soft, "I want to go."  I don't think her dad heard her because he started saying he would miss her, and then she became offended when she realized we might go without her.  She didn't want to miss out!

Set Sail

• "Remember the heart is where I am. And I love you. Thanks for letting me know. ☺️" - an email from a friend.
• "My book should be out soon. I will let you know when it's ready!" - another friend.
• I'm about to hop on the bus to try meeting my partner near a cross-country ski area for an after work ski.  Hopefully this will work well and be something we can do once a week.  He already has the skis in the car so I don't need to lug them on the bus, and then we can ride home together.  I wasn't sure how much cross-country skiing I'd get to do this year with my new living situation.  So far I've been pleasantly surprised.
• My job is grounding to me.  I didn't work as much the last couple weeks and was enjoying time with the children etc. in my life.  However it also left me feeling a bit adrift.  It's nice to have something stable to anchor you, ideally something that you can also pull aboard at times to set sail.
• I listened to Rich Roll's podcast - something like "Best of 2019" which had some highlights from his interviews over the year.  One of them was with a ultra runner.  I wasn't familiar with her but they were talking about a blog post she shared in 2019 about seeking treatment for an eating disorder.  She has been on the cover of Runner's World and a bunch of other magazines and wrote a blog about her inner turmoil as having her body displayed while also knowing she was struggling with food issues.  I really find it disgusting because I know there are women who are emulating that body.  I also find it admirable the courage she is taking to be honest about it.  A random women recently asked her what her strategy was to look so fit and she responded, "An eating disorder," and said that ended the conversation.  That could end a lot of conversations and begin many as well.