Gently Allowing

We had ideal cross-country ski conditions when I went out last weekend, and I wanted to get a ski in today before the rain/snow mix changed that.  About the time I wanted to go there was the lightest drizzle - this didn't make the ski enticing, I really didn't want to go anymore.

But I went and by the time I got there it had stopped.

I skied at the golf course nearby - my third time there.  The first time I did the 4K loop twice.  The second time it was snowing, and the snow was icy and the wind was blowing, and any time my back wasn't to the wind it hurt my face.  I had to look straight down and the snow was blowing over the trail and since it was a golf course, the trail was not obvious.  So I only did the loop once.

Since today the conditions were good, I figured I'd do the loop twice again.  However half way thru the first loop I started doubting that and 3/4 of the way thru I knew I wasn't going to get a second loop in.  I was tired.  This was depressing.  I did two loops no problem the first time I skied there in Dec.  Why was this so daunting now?  Would I get back to two loops at all this season?  It's one thing to start lower and work up, but go backwards?  I finished my first loop resigned and out of breath.

I looked at the map and there were two cut backs so that you could ski more without skiing the entire loop.  I was disappointed in myself for not being up to my previous ski, but at least I could do that.  I'd do a little more and turn back at either the first or second cut back.

So I started skiing and passed the 1K cut back.  When I got to the 2K cut back I was feeling pretty good, actually better than I had on the first loop.  I briefly considered not stopping at all, but I pulled over to the 2K sign and considered.  I could stop here and go back.  That would be fine, it was still 6K which is great.  I still did close to half of the second loop.  And I knew I had the energy for that.  But something in me was in it now, "No, I can do the whole thing." 

To my surprise I did!

So the gratitude here could be that I did the full thing, and it is, but the main gratitude is the ATTITUDE with which I did it.  Sure I was disappointed in myself that I decided not to do two loops, but I also let it go.  I did not tell myself I had to do two loops, I did it before, or I had to do two because I could do it, or that I had something to prove.  Sometimes people force themselves to do things.  And granted I did force myself to get out and ski when I didn't really feel like it.  However, I also let go of the 2nd loop, I made a compromise with myself, and from that letting go the desire emerged to keep going.  I didn't force, I allowed.  And that is what I find the most beautiful.  Giving space inside for surfacing.

And I'm also making a little reputation for myself as the woman on the bus with the skis.  Ok, since I've only done this twice, probably not, but I know I've never seen anyone ride the bus with skis before.  I'm not really sure why because it actually worked well - today at least - last time my ski didn't time up as well for my bus ride home.

And I had a simple dinner red lentil and sweet potato dinner ready to heat up.

And my partner, his ex-wife and their eldest are all out together having some family/parental conversations.  And I'm grateful to I know their conversations will be more harmonious than the conversations my parents had when I was her age - even though my parents were not divorced.