Litany of Complaints

 I was trying to read Glennon Doyle's newest book, Untamed, and she mentioned a time in her life when she didn't know what to do so she spent 10 minutes in her closet each day trying to connect with her knowing.  This made me think, "I should probably do a 10 minute meditation myself right now, because though I am attempting to read this book I am listening to a litany of complaints in my brain."  But then I thought, "I don't want to sit and give my full attention to these complaints." So I resisted for a while but eventually went outside to grab something from the car.  While I was out there I noticed the temp had dropped so I decided to sit there.  I needed nature's help this time, not the enclosed space of my home where the complaints lived.  And I did listen to the litany for a good 9 minutes, but the breeze was gentle and I recalled Thich Nhat Hanh's teaching to take care of your anger - treat it gently and kindly.  So I told my negative emotions I was here to take care of them. Eventually they got the message, calmed down, and I dropped into a quieter place.

 I had started the day disconnected from my partner.  There is a bed at my father's that I want to keep and he doesn't think we need it.  I began with all the practical reasons I think we do.  But ended with the emotional one, which when I told a friend later today made me cry.  With the exception of a dresser, all the furniture here is my partner's.  There isn't much of my father's furniture that I want, but the bed makes sense to me, and so his no feels hurtful.

Then later at my father's house, my brother and I had a communication that felt critical.  I have a friend who was clearing out her parent's house recently and a similar thing happened with her sister.  She'd gotten rid of something her sister wanted.  In my case it's just at a friends so I can easily get it back.  That isn't the issue, it was how we communicated about it.  I am doing my best, but it is impossible to clean out an entire house without making mistakes.  My partner tells me I have too much time on my hands (taking too much time to do this).  And yet if I ask my brother "Do you want this?" about everything, it is exhausting and will take forever. 

I know when I cleared out my mom's place over a decade ago I got rid of these essential oils she had.  In retrospect I would have loved to keep them, but sometimes you just get overwhelmed with things and have to get rid of them.

And then I come home and am crabby/critical because I feel I have to do the same thing here.  My partner said after his divorce his wife took what she wanted and left him with the rest.  And he, quite understandably, at that point in his life didn't have time to go thru it so he just moved it all here.  Since I grew up with a hoarder I find the accumulation of things exhausting and find myself annoyed when my partner comes home with a new purchase, instead of sharing in his enthusiasm.  And Costco (where you often have to buy more than you want) or online orders that require a minimum just drive me over the edge!

I brought a carload of metal from my dad's to the recycling place today.  I had been there once before with wire from my dad's basement.  I was clearly emotionally raw because I began to cry as the man sorted my dad's random metals pieces. It took quite a while and when he was done the man said something like, "Here you go, Ms. Tammy" or "Thank you Ms. Tammy" (they keep your info in the system on an account or something).  Whatever it was - the respect and kindness that came thru that simple sentence felt so nourishing and pure.  I guess mostly because it was so unexpected.

Later, Michael's eldest had a note on this little closet room upstairs.  I had just knocked and told her it was time for dinner and then I saw the note.  Basically it said she didn't want to be disturbed or have dinner she was taking a time out.  "Oh I'm sorry I didn't read this before I knocked," I told her thru the door.

A couple hours later she was making granola bars in the kitchen when I returned from my own time out outside.  "I needed a time out too,"  I told her.

"Where did you go?"

"Just in the yard."