What Everyone Wants

My Dad was cremated back in Feb of 2020.  Since then I've had a box of his ashes. I guess we could have buried them in the garden of the home where he lived the last 40 years of his life, but somehow that thought never really occurred to me, and we sold the house in November. The box is small and didn't need to be dealt with anytime soon. In the back of my mind my intention was to bury him in the garden of the house where he grew up, where his sister still resides.

However I did not mention that thought to her, with co-vid I wasn't seeing her anyway, and there were plenty of other things to take care of.

Last month I asked my brother what he thought about burying dad in the garden where he grew up and my brother agreed.

Last week I mentioned it to my aunt as I am planning to visit her soon.  She wasn't pushy about it, but inquired about the cemetery in town.  Thru some discussion it was her preference to put him there.  Her parents bought plots for the whole family when my dad's older sister died as a child.  There is still a fee to "open and close" the grave, even though the digging for ashes is quite a bit smaller than the spot for the casket.  But once again, if it is important to my aunt that is fine.

Going thru this, what seems like a simple final task, brings up differences in myself and others and in what matters. As I was discussing this with Michael today I articulated my wishes.  I do not want to be separated when I die.  Meaning I was born into this separate self named, "Tammy."  When I die that separate self ceases to exist.  I am no longer limited, if "I" even continue to exist. My energy disperses in some unknown way to merge with the rest of life.

Therefore I want the same for my body.  I don't want it kept in a separate box.  I don't want any sort of marker signifying my separate self. We spend our whole lives pretending we are separate from nature, but we are not, and I don't want to pretend after my death.  Until there is a natural burial option, what I would most prefer is to be cremated and have my ashes "planted" along with a tree.  That would make me super happy.  However, I just looked this up and find that although human remains contain nutrients plants require, they are also high in salt and missing other important nutrients which can lead to an imbalance. So maybe I'd need to be scattered with trees.

Anyway, I contacted the cemetery today and arranged for a date in a couple weeks. I wanted something very simple, in a yard with a shovel, a few words, a hole and a few family members.

The cemetery wants a date and time.  I'd like to shovel the soil back on myself?  Can I do that in a cemetery? 

And then in all this it is important to consider what my dad would want. When I was discussing this with Michael it came up how we'd ignored one of my dad's wishes already.  But I came back in tears and said in fact we had not.  My dad did specifically leave a note "No church funeral," even though he was heavily involved with his church.  

But as far as I understood his reason for that was the cost. My father was adamant about spending time and money on people when they are/were alive, not when they were dead.  And I heard him multiple times complain to me about the price of a funeral (after he'd seen a receipt) at his church.

 However at the same time he had written in his health care directive that he wanted his daughter (me) to be in charge of any memorial service.  And that is exactly what I did, though the location didn't honor his wishes, the motive behind his wishes (not spending a bunch of money on him when he's dead) was honored.

Because upon research the service at church was both in fact cheaper and easier than if we'd done it somewhere else.

So my gratitudes today are all the thoughts this process brings up, the deep listening and honoring required to navigate others' wishes while also honoring ones own, and that this was a blog post day so I took the time and space to process them thru my mind and heart and fingers.

Oh and I seemed to have found the document about the ashes that I think the cemetery needs. Well maybe not, they want a "certificate of disposition for burial." I consider myself to be an organized person, with a relatively simple life, and my dad was also an organized person, and yet keeping track of all of this is a bit much.  I found a "certificate of cremation" which is all I was given so we'll see.