If it Were Up to Me

The Children

 #1 - Michael's youngest had a 15 minute outdoor choir concert which I'm glad I attended.  Though I was only around the rambunctious and attention-seeking 8th graders for about a 1/2 hour, I was exhausted by it.  The trade would have to be immense to get me to go to 8th grade again - world peace, climate stabilization etc.

#2 - Afterwards I sat in the car while Michael did errands. I thought about a hopeful condo I'm going to see tomorrow and enjoyed having time/space to think about it.  I also realized it may be the last time I'm a passenger in this car.

#3 - Being able to hear and therefore sow the seeds for clearing up a misunderstanding between Michael and his youngest.

#4 - Michael's eldest came out and sat at the picnic table with Michael and I at the end of dinner.  We talked about many things, including an argument she and her Dad had yesterday.  We talked about how they didn't hear each other and what they needed etc. She and I have similar personalities so it can be good to discuss because we both get defensive and do not like when other people raise their voices to us.

#5 - The eldest was officially diagnosed with a concussion from being nailed in the head with a la crosse ball last week.  She had a helmet on, but it was close range and hard since she is goalie.  She isn't supposed to drive and so I'm happy to be here and able to help out.

Dear God, Dear One

 I listened to the second part of Elizabeth Gilbert's conversation on the We Can Do Hard Things podcast.  She shared a practice she has in the morning of writing "Dear God - What would you have me know for today?"  And then beginning a response with a term of endearment.

"I could do that," I thought and then I heard Anais Mitchell's Bright Star at the end of my work day and I thought, "Now is the time to write." I tried to do in on the computer but that wasn't working.  I have a lot more practice letting go by writing thru a pen, just keeping the pen moving and seeing what comes.  So I'm grateful to the suggestion of Gilbert and the music of Mitchell which was the soundtrack as I wrote, and the familiar practice of a paper and pen, and having the time and space to write and then type it up so I could share it here.  

Dear God,

What would you have me know for today?

Dear One, Dear one, one that is so dear to my heart – so dear from the tips of your toes, to the freckles on your nose to all the places that can’t be seen – to that hollow space in your heart, to the place that doesn’t want to be alone, to the place that is always alone and relishes it there. Dear one you are like the sun. Dear one you are like the rain. Dear one your foundation, your roots are being ripped form the soil. They are exposed to the elements and they are afraid if they will survive.  Survival in a way – the survival of your joy, the survival of your sense of belonging, the survival of your sense or communion or connection.

Dear one, the way in which we connect and separate and connect again flows thru out our life – flows in the way the wind comes thru the screen of a window – separate and unseen – gifts given, gifts grown, gifts gone – down the drain when we flushed them away – not enough, not enough, not enough – we can’t. Dear one – it is always enough.  It is always enough. You are always enough. Know this.  Know this. Know this. You are always enough and you always will be. I was given a gift when you sat down with a pen and paper today. I was given a gift where you honored me with a voice thru your pen. You have a voice my dear.  You have so many things to say. You are opening as you close. Beginning as you end. Traveling as you

Stay put.

Up and Down

 #1 - To my surprise a below list price offer I made on a condo was accepted.  I didn't know how to feel. I knew there was still a lot to figure out once I received the HOA documents and more info on a pending lawsuit for a former management company that was misusing funds. So I still had time to back out after I got more info. 

#2 - I just happened to have planned a lunch with a friend who used to be the president of the condo association where she lived.  The conversation was helpful, though still overwhelming.  At the end I asked if she wanted to see the place I may live online.  We looked and I started to get really sad.  This was not the direction I envisioned for my life this year.  

On the way home I started to cry.  Because of a detour I drove right by a friend's house so I stopped by.  She wasn't home.  I planned to get groceries, but I was crying and wanted comfort.  I thought of going home to get that, but I know that I need to start getting used to comfort from other sources so I stopped at another friend's on the way.  #3 - Thru this stop I learned she has a friend who owned a condo, most likely in this same development, and has really had a mess with it.  #4 - So it is because of my sadness that I went to a friend's and found out info that changed my decision and saved me the time and energy of sifting thru documents.

#5 - I still got the hug and comfort when I got home, and then Michael and I took a walk together.