#1 - I've been single most of my life, so returning to that role is familiar, though living alone is a new aspect of it.
Other roles I've tried on - "Are those your kids?" (Question I was asked leaving the thrift store months back with Michael's daughters.)
"They are my partner's children." I replied, though the eldest later said when I asked that I could say, "Yes."
At one point while living with them I had the thought, "I could become a grandparent." If one of them had a kid I would be in their lives long enough at that point I would probably feel that way. That was a possibility I had never before even considered and blew my mind a bit.
Those doors have closed, but then they open too.
Marriage - it is something I have mixed feelings about. Obviously on one hand it's a dream. On the other hand I grew up seeing that dream as a nightmare. And until same sex couples could marry I certainly had issues with my privilege with it. Michael was clear he didn't want to marry again, so that was that.
But now who knows...
These things came to mind because I took Michael's youngest to horseback riding today. He emailed to request if next month I'd switch the date I'm taking her. And suddenly I was in the role of separated parents scheduling. This is an extremely minor example, but I just had the taste of, "This is what that might feel like."
#2 - And when I dropped her off, it was different. I've taken her to horse back riding lessons dozens of time, and then we've driven home
together.
Today I dropped her off at her new home
and then proceeded towards mine.
And I cried.
And I got groceries.
And I turned to the country radio station which I've found is the most likely one to have something to offer a heterosexual couple after a break-up.
#3 - And as I pulled into my parking lot, it supplied a new artist and song to me that perfectly fit the bill.
#4 - Mike Posner's also got a new one -
"...This is a what a broken heart beats like
It's tearing up my chest like a jackknife
But it gets me thru the good and bad times..."
#5 - I was just listening so I didn't see the reminder at the end until my 4th or so listen.
"Beginnings always hide themselves in ends.
KEEP GOING."
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ReplyDeleteDear Michael, I don't know you and I will probably offend you with what I'm about to write, but so be it, you got me in 'protect the ones you care for'-mode.
DeleteYou see, I don't even really know Tammy. I live on the other side of the world, apart from her blog, I don't know her.
And that's the point. Other people are reading this blog. This is not the place to write those private things. Especially since Tammy is always very discrete about it and has never written any bad word about you here.
Also, this is TAMMY's blog. The place where she writes down her emotions, grief and thoughts. She should be able to do so without being criticized.
There were so many ways in which you could have answered to her if you really needed to.
Here was not the place.
And one more thing.
Like I said, she has never written anything in her blog to accuse you. She is not accusing you of anything in this post either. Read it again. She's not. She's just grieving over what she's lost.
If you read an accusation in her words, while really it's you accusing her,
then you may have to do some serious introspection my friend.
Stephanie
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