27,400 - Fifteen Years

 It is a special day here on blogspot. 

March 1st, 2010, tired of all the complaints in my head I decided to start an experiment - daily gratitudes.  I committed to 1 month.  

In early January, I realized that 1 month was about to turn into 15 years.

"Should I do something special?" I asked myself. 

 In 2020 in recognition of the 10 year anniversary I signed up for a women's retreat that included the theme of gratitude.  I went on the retreat, however my dad unexpectedly died a couple weeks prior, so the focus was more grief than gratitude.

I wasn't feeling that motivated to do anything this year. Then I looked at my calendar and realized, the yoga and creativity retreat I'd already signed up for was the anniversary weekend.

 So that is where I am right now. However, I took some time before I left to reflect.  The first thing I noticed as I logged on today, is my password contains the name, at one point, I thought I'd give a child.

The second thing I noticed is, after skimming thru my 2010 posts, despite feeling much better about where my life is right now, I recognize that woman.  She sounds the same. 

She sounds like me. 

And then I wondered if it is common for the most beautiful things we do to barely be noticed? 

Do other people feel that the most important things they do are barely noticed?

I imagine parents may feel this way all the time. 

Today, March 1st, if I did my Math right, I will be writing my 27,400 gratitude in my journal.

One of those barely noticeable beautiful things - it's not too often these days that I wish for time to move - to get me out of my current circumstances into a supposed better future moment.  It still happens for sure, but now after the thought pops into my head, my follow up thought usually switches to, "Help me to be here now."

And I think that is the point of a gratitude practice

"Help me to see what I have right here

help me to appreciate what I have right now."

The Head And The Heart - Arrow (Official Music Video)

Song on repeat today

"So if you're falling thru the cracks again 

maybe the fall was by design

 cuz someone's gonna break your heart again 

that's just proof that you're alive

 

 I have this deep deep feeling in my ribs again

 I just keep keep keep moving on 

like the deep deep current of the river bend

 I have to keep keep keep moving on"

Govern

Quick Reminder - one of the best remedies for apathy and dis-empowerment...participation.

Today I went to my state capitol for a lobbying day with the non-profit that I work with. First we met with my state representative, whom I am reminded, is a kind and genuine man.  I've only lived in this district for a couple years, so he is relatively new to me, however I met him when he door knocked with the campaign my friend was running to pass ranked choice voting. I left that brief meeting today reassured he has citizens' best interests at heart and is a sincere public servant.

 Then we met with my state senator, whom I feel a bit more ambivalent about, but it was still good to advocate for our program. (I was not happy with his stance on Israel last year).  Apparently the CEO of where I work lives in my same senate district, so she did most of the talking at that meeting. She announced yesterday that after 32 years at our organization and 20 years as CEO she is retiring at the end of this year. I've never had the chance to interact with her personally, but I overheard her say today, that after the announcement went out yesterday, it was crickets.  I imagine staff were surprised and also didn't want to overwhelm her inbox. Since she said this, after the meeting with the senator I told her how honored I have been to work at an organization where I have such genuine respect for the  leadership. I really mean this, and it reminds me leadership matters. 

 

After the meeting I saw state senator John Marty in the hallway.  "John!" I called.  He was clearly in a hurry, but as he kept walking I called out the name of a retreat center so he could place me. I have long been a John Marty fan.  I supported both of his campaigns for governor.  Then last summer I had the chance to interact with him personally when he was on the teaching staff at the retreat center where I spent the summer on staff. He and I arrived there on the same train. I am so happy he is still a part of our government and my spirit was renewed to see him at the capitol!

 It doesn't take much.  I spent 2 hours at the capitol today, and was reminded - all is not lost. 

All is not lost.

For over 20 years I've wanted to visit Oregon/Portland.  Portland being the only city in the U.S. I can think of that I'm curious to visit (public transit, parks etc.)  It never felt like a trip I wanted to take solo however. After my trip to Michigan 2 summers ago I thought, "Where can I go next year to surround myself with beauty?"

"Oregon," was my instant response. "But that's not a trip I want to take alone," I thought, despite having just had a fabulous 10 days alone. 

 I ended up going to Washington instead.

Well, now it seems I've been nudged/tricked into finally taking matters into my own hands and planning this trip by myself. Today a guide arrived in the mail

 

Lastly, after making a friend, you don't know if they are a friend for a season or more long term. The woman I did most of my hiking with last summer went home to a different city than I, so it may have been a friendship for a season.  However she is in a transition point and likes writing, so we've been meeting online or just over the phone on occasion for writing practice. We write and then we share what we've written. I love how this can steer conversations into a beautiful and deep place and I'm grateful to have someone that, thus far, whenever I send a message, "I need to write this week, do any of these days work?"  

She says, "Yes."

Fight Right

 #1 - Well the ENT cancelled my appt today. The next available was over a month away, so I went to a Minute Clinic after all.  She said I have narrow ear canals, which is why they probably get blocked at times. My ear is better, but I'm not sure it is clear. I couldn't tell in the clinic because it still had water in it. We'll see.  I gave the appointment 30 minutes before I had to leave for a home visit.  I figured if it was running late I would just cancel and do it another day.  They took me in about 10 minutes late, which was fine, however the first person did paperwork stuff, took my vitals etc and then sent me back out to wait again.  At this point I would have left, because I was most likely going to be late, but according to insurance etc I already had my visit so I didn't know what to do.  I remembered, "Stress is wanting things to be different than they are," Tolle. So I attempted to accept things were as they were and do what I could.  I texted the mom it was likely I'd be late.  She responded, "No problem."  I've worked with this family a year and a half and during that time, if I've been late it has been only by a minute or 2. I reminded myself of this. Though intellectually I knew it was ok, being late is a real trigger for me.  There was a lot of yelling and stress around this issue as a child, so that just comes up automatically. And despite still feeling that today, I was able to watch it/be aware of it/and practice accepting it.

 #2 - I just started reading Fight Right - How Successful Couples Turn Conflict Into Connection. I thought it might be a heavy read, but so far I'm enjoying it. Conflict did not lead to connection in my upbringing. So I'm trying to relearn this as well.  A couple months ago I had a conflict/misunderstanding (via texts) with one of the moms I work with.  It was uncomfortable and stressful, but I did have the capacity to remind myself at the time, "this is an opportunity." This is a parent, that in general, isn't the easiest for me to connect with, and I have learned enough to know that conflict can lead to connection. So I took some deep breaths, practiced curiosity and we were able to meet at a place of understanding.

 #3 - I've started eating smoothies again, as I have concluded they don't seem to have anything to do with my teeth staining.  I was hungry late this afternoon and I was excited to have it as a snack. I have a new tooth staining suspect which I'm hoping pans out, but it is too soon to say.

#4 - "For many people, the main source of suffering in their lives, in many cases, is relationships, in other people, but we learn thru that. The other people give you a reflection of your state of consciousness, of where you're at. And the greatest freedom comes the moment you realize you can meet another human being, who may be unconscious, which means identified with their mind, but he or she does not drag you into unconsciousness, you can stay present. That's enormous, you are no longer dependent on another person's state of consciousness. You begin to experience freedom. And then you can stay present with a very unconscious person. It's challenging, but then you grow in consciousness.

 But the wonderful thing is, I remember after I experienced a shift in consciousness, I always had a resentment towards my father, certain things he did. And so suddenly I met my father again after going thru this shift and there was no longer any resentment.  He still had the same patterns of behavior, but I no longer demanded that he should behave differently. I realized he couldn't behave differently.

Eckhart Tolle on Finding Your Identity, Meaning & Purpose in Life around minute 1:10:00

#5 - This is something my cousin and I were just talking about, so I look forward to sharing this with her.

 

Cold, Puzzle, Contexto

 #1 - I came down with a cold a couple days ago and today I decided to stay home and rest.  I'm just a little sick so I spent about half the day relaxing/working on a puzzle etc, and half the day working on the computer.  I'm grateful to have some wellness leave at my job and also grateful the home visits I missed today were with families that aren't behind and are easy to reschedule with.

 #2 - Speaking of puzzles - I've had a 500 piece sunflower one on the floor of my living room for a couple months.  I've learned in this process the difficulty of puzzles relates to more than the size.  If there isn't a lot of variety of color it is difficult. I was not enjoying this one and unsure I'd finish it, but I'm now in the home stretch. I get a couple pieces a day and I'm confident I will complete it.

#3- My ear is plugged from ear wax which happens to me on occasion. I've had my ears cleaned with water for this issue multiple times, however the last time it happened, almost 2 years ago, I got an infection soon after and it turned into this whole ordeal.  Eventually I saw an ENT who cleaned my ear out with a vacuum thing. I asked her, "If this happen again should I go to the Minute Clinic to have my ears cleaned?" 

 She kind of hesitated in her response, but then said I could come there and I'd get in quicker next time as a returning patient. Still I was thinking I'd just go to a Minute Clinic this week as I can get in quick and it's just seems more appropriate level of care.  However since I was home sick today I decided to try and make an appointment with the ENT and I was able to get one next week.

I'm not sure it is the right level of care, but I am pretty sure it won't lead to another infection ordeal.

#4 - I also took the time to play "Contexto" today.  A game I enjoy, however don't often prefer to spend more time on screens.  Today was a HARD one and took quite a bit of time and breaks and hints.  Honestly I can't recall the answer.  I know I got "wrestle" which was #2 I think, but I could not figure out #1.

#5 - I think I will feel well enough to return to my home visits tomorrow.  My first visit is with a family that has had a LOT of cancellations the last couple months and I really don't want to add to that.  I also might try the new "gentle yoga" class at the fitness center which will be perfect if I am still a little low energy.

Kale, Wealth, Adolescent Boys

Maybe it's because I don't usually make sides?  There are already usually vegetables in my main meal.  For whatever reason, I'd never made a simple kale salad until today.  When I use kale I steam it, or put it in a recipe.  Today I cut out the stems, cut it into little pieces and then rubbed it in about 5 simple ingredients and wallah.  Delicious!  I seriously never knew it was so easy to make kale salads that I love - - gratitude #1.  And #2 - I'm grateful for how much I loved it and genuinely wanted to keep eating it!

#3 - School was cancelled today for the -14 F and -25 C temperature this AM.  I was supposed to have an early morning home visit. I am not happy that family cancelled because they are behind.  However because of this I didn't need to head outside until the afternoon when it warmed up and was sunny.  I am concerned about wild animals however as I learned this weekend how important the layer of snow is that many use to borrow in and stay warm.  We don't have snow for them to do that.

#4 - Usually I keep my heat on the lowest possible setting.  It is not precise, just more hot water or less running thru the pipes, and less water is usually plenty. Today when it was a little cooler inside, I could easily turn it up a little. This is Wealth.

#5 - My friend that I lived with a few months after my partner and I separated called today to ask if I'd stay with her boys a few days in May.  They are in middle/high school now so I spend much less time with them than I used to. I'm grateful to be asked and grateful it works with my schedule.

Pickle

 #1 and #2 - Radio Heartland where I heard two songs I really enjoyed today from unfamiliar artists - 

Rustin Kelly's Black Magic and The Bros Landreth's Firecracker

#3 - One of my home visiting families wants to switch from 2 thirty minute visits a week to a one hour visit a week.  If we do that Wed it works in my schedule, but then I have this hour long gap in my schedule that isn't enough time to do anything with.  Luckily my Monday family agreed to make there visit a little later so they all can line up.

#4 - I walked over to play pickleball, because I live somewhere so close that this is the easiest way to get there even when it's cold, and I stopped to wait for my friend outside and stood there in the cold and looked at the moon.

#5 - Our pickleball skills are rusty as it's been almost a couple years since we played together, so we only won our last game.  The man who we beat said we were fun to lose to.  He said some people's energy is more fun than others, and we were still fun even when they lost :).

Oprah's 110th book selection

is both the most meaningful/important book I know of, and also the only book Oprah has selected for a repeat reading.

New Year 2025

 #1 - Because of the holidays etc, my soccer team has only had 1 game since before Thanksgiving.  That game we lost 9 to 1.  Today didn't seem like it could be worse but apparently (I completely lost count but I looked it up) we lost 11 to 1.  

What gratitudes can I find here?  No one got hurt, we got exercise, my team maybe gets discouraged but no one starts blaming anyone else, our goalie was out sick (so didn't have to play 2 games in a row getting pummeled)...

#2 - This I can't explain - I had a wonderful afternoon with 2 friends that I get together with each year around the New Year.  Somehow I felt sad knowing I didn't have my partner to come home and tell about this today. I'm not sure why.  However when I did get home, I soon descended into a content and quiet space as I read a book (recommended by my nephew) and ate dinner.

#3 - I typed up some poems that I found in a 2019 journal when I was looking for something else.  "These are pretty good," I thought.

#4 - My friends and I did some reflective writing today.  One of them has almost finished her journal.  I guessed how long she has had it, "2014?" I asked.

"2008" was her reply. 

So finishing a journal is a really big deal!

#5 - The salad my friend brought for our lunch, it had veggies, apples, pears, cashews and a delicious dressing.  I love salads and in the winter months, often don't make them for myself so they are especially appreciated.