Conjunct

 #1 - My friend tried cross-country skiing yesterday.  I emailed to ask how the lesson went and she wanted to call me to tell me about it.  Yeah, way better than a screen!

#2 - After looking to the sky just after sunset the past 5 or 6 days to see if I could see the jupiter/saturn conjunction, it was finally mostly clear at that time.  We hopped into the car and drove to a water tower a mile or two away to found a small group of other people doing the same, one with a large telescope.

#3 - I had an interview for a job at NAMI MN (National Alliance for Mental Illness) a couple weeks ago.  I didn't hear back about a second interview, but I signed up anyway for a couple of their online trainings.  Today I took one on suicide prevention. The woman presented both interesting facts as well as personal stories from her own life. 

#4 - Since the session was on Zoom and none of the participants had their cameras on, I was able to sort my parents' photos while I listened.  

#5 - This meant the photos I've had laying all of the floor are now stacked into relatively chronological piles.

Think Small

 I will postdate this entry as I forgot it was a online gratitude day yesterday.  It was one of those days that I struggled to get to five gratitudes - not because I had a bad day - just because nothing really stood out.  When that happens I practice my mantra in this situation, "Think Small".

It was really hard for me to wake up in the morning as my alarm went off in the middle of a dream.  In the dream, even though I had passed on the keys, I still had a set and went back to my dad's house.  They hadn't changed the locks so I went in because I knew we left more things over there that still needed to be cleaned out.  I took a skillet from the kitchen and then I went in my brother's room and there were a number of things - a fishing set etc.  I was nervous Habitat for Humanity (who bought the house) was going to arrive while I was over there.  So I was trying to finish taking care of things while watching for them.  Of course they did arrive.  They were not angry at all, but I still felt stressed/deceptive.  Anyway my gratitude in all this is that when I finally woke up, this was just a dream and we DID clean out everything we needed to from that house.

#2 - Michael arrived to our yoga class (which we try to do together at home once a week) at 6AM, and I needed yoga this AM because my neck was cricked.

#3 - Michael liked the kale and apple quesadilla I made for dinner which is a super quick and easy meal that I enjoy as well.

#4 - Laying by the heating vent with my feet is super relaxing and a great bedtime transition and time to reflect and be quiet and think about my dad.

#5 - The trash in the kitchen was smelly, I emptied it and washed out the can as well.  I also put the sink drain/stoppers in the dishwasher.

Dumpling Dinner

 #1 - I went for a jog this AM, it took 26 minutes before I started to feel glad about it.  I'm grateful that in early Dec I can still jog this week, esp with Co-Vid limiting exercise options.  Though I would also be glad to have snow.  It was a little slippery on and off the sidewalks, but I didn't get hurt.

#2-3 - We wrote out a rough meal plan for a state park camper cabin visit this winter.  It was during this that I also felt grateful for something Michael's daughter said.  I'm going to refrain from sharing that here as I don't think it's mine to share.

#4 - Michael made a delicious dumpling dinner and seemed to be enjoying himself in the kitchen as he prepared it.

#5 - I started a conversation about something Michael can feel judged about, which ruined his previously listed happy mood.  However with perseverance we were able to reconnect.  I ended up having a deeper understanding and apologized for some hurt in our relationship from our initial dating and how I failed to connect and communicate.  Better late than never.

Thanksgiving Poem

 I started the day with a long (2 hour) walk, which I haven't done for quite a while.  The warm sun and the time outside felt great since we had our Thanksgiving meal later.  (Michael's daughters were with their mom on Thanksgiving.)  I spent the first 1.5 hours mulling thru my thoughts, and the last half hour memorizing a poem called Moth Koan.  Right before I got home I came across our neighbor walking her dog with her early elementary age daughter.  I asked, "Do you want to hear the poem I just memorized?"  

They said, "yes." 

I told them it's called Moth Koan.  A "koan" is kind of like a riddle so it may not make sense right away and I was still trying to figure it out.  

After we parted I thought, "I should give them the poem." I had it in my pocket on a piece of paper.  As I turned, my neighbor was coming back to ask me the author of the poem so they could look it up!  She wanted to share it with her other daughter.

Michael planned our Thanksgiving meal which included - turkey, tofu, stuffing, gravy, mashed potatoes, cranberry-wheatberry salad and apple-fennel slaw.  Oh and also a buttermilk pie, which I'd never heard of. I helped cook, but did my part in the dining room which worked better as we have a small kitchen and it kept me from getting in the way.  Michael had already done a bunch of prep work on Thanksgiving day.

After dinner Michael's 15 year old asked if we could play Catan.  I was grateful that she suggested spending time together.  Our first thanksgiving together was in 2015 and Michael and I started a tradition where we share a list of gratitudes for each of the girls that (ideally) we've compiled over the year.  Michael said he wasn't ready and we had a bit of back and forth about it since they go back to their mom's tomorrow.  It isn't a tradition I want to let go of.  Finally I asked what he suggested and he asked to share them on Christmas instead.  The girls are with us for Christmas this year, and because of Co-Vid we won't be visiting any other family, so I said that would be fine.  Michael seemed to really appreciate this.

Pinch

 #1 - We walked to the local hardware store to buy the MN cross-country ski pass for this winter.

#2 - My partner yelled at me on that walk because I pinched him, when I was trying to get his attention/pull him back to show him something.  I have done this a few times when I've reached for him.  I'm just trying to grab his coat, but apparently I get his skin and he really doesn't like it.  That certainly put a damper on our walk.  However we came up with a plan later. I'm going to practice grabbing his whole arm, because otherwise I don't know how to stop this impulse that I occasionally have when he's out of reach.

#3 - We looked up some extended stay options in Northern MN.  Our therapist actually suggested it as my partner wants to move up there eventually and I'm not so sure about that.  She suggested since we could try it right now to go up there for a month this winter, one option because of Co-Vid and working from hom.  I didn't have time before selling my dad's house to put much energy into this.  And at this point I really can't find anyplace with a month available (plus it's just too much money), but two weeks we could possibly do. 

#4 - I am asking life for help with #3 - that if we decid to do it it won't feel like a burden.  (Just the thought of planning meals for those two weeks kind of tires me out - since we'd stay in a place with a kitchen, but have to start from scratch for all the meals).  I hope that either things flow to support this, or we could let it go and direct our energy elsewhere.

#5 - My friend consulted us for tent/sleeping bag recommendations. I didn't have any specific suggestions but Michael did and I bet my brother will too.

Just Move

I was dancing in my chair while working on the computer today and enjoying a Spanish playlist including:

TINI, Alejandro Sanz - Un Beso en Madrid, 

Cali Y El Dandee - Sirena

 and many other songs I hadn't heard before which put a happiness into my day.

I think I'm more nervous now than I was before and during election week, a wounded cornered animal is dangerous.  So listening to songs like 

David Bisbal, Aitana - Si Tú La Quieres

is probably a better use of my energy today.  And reminded me to return to some Aitana songs I was into a couple years ago.  I haven't had a dance party for a long time, and this was just a chair dance party, but it worked.

Maybe for Some Reason I Don't Know Is Better

"I don't have to do this," is the thought I had as I pulled into the title company parking lot to sign and hand away the keys to my father's house.

Once I got inside there was the guy from Habitat for Humanity waiting.  We began to talk, and I almost which we could have talked more, but right away they got started with the papers.  Later when I passed the keys to him,

I could not think of anyone else I'd rather pass the house keys too.

I scheduled a visit to our couple's therapist (for just me) after having a dream about my dad a couple weeks ago that was really upsetting.  I've had lots of dreams about him coming back, and being confused if he's dead and what is he going to do since we got rid of his clothes? and his tools?  But this dream was different and I knew the closing on the house would be sad so it seemed like a good plan to make an appointment. I felt ok today, however it was still helpful to talk to her, especially about some unrelated, yet related family things which made me really appreciate my brother, whom I need to call and tell this, because he really helped me a couple weeks ago when I was upset from an extended family member.  I was reminded of this today while talking to the therapist today.  I also thanked our therapist for giving me the nudge to have Michael sleep over at my dad's.  I had wanted to do this, but it had felt hard to get him over there and then the bed was gone so it was too late, but our therapist  encouraged me to.  

Usually when I sleep I like to have my own space, otherwise I'm too conscious of my movements potentially being disturbing.  At my dad's we put two twin mattresses next to each other on the floor, since that was all that was left.  I laid next to him, fully expecting to move over at some point onto my own mattress.  But I ended up sleeping beside him all night.  It was so nurturing to have him beside me and I slept easily and well.  I teared up today when I recounted this, and I thanked our counselor for giving me the nudge to make it happen.

On the way home I stopped at a Swedish store that I've heard of but never been to.  I thought of it when I realized I was probably close by and then there it was.  My co-worker at the election board asked me about it because it isn't far from me and she really likes it.  I've been wondering where I could get the larger packages of flat bread that my father used to have and Michael has started to enjoy since we brought his extras here. I guessed maybe my dad got them at Ikea?  Well, I found a smaller closer option today.

I was disappointed that we were not able to get a camper cabin reservation this winter.  They opened and almost instantly were booked Michael said.  But I called the state parks and found a 2nd option that works, and maybe for some reason I don't know, is better.