The Dow is Down

 #1 - I told my therapist on Monday a challenging thing for me is personality-wise, is I keep people in my life.  I tend to keep friend groups together and foster long-term connections.  It isn't my nature to let people that are important to me go.  The example I gave was my best friend in elementary school who has lived in multiple states, has a very different personality and life path than I, but I still see her on occasion.  She just emailed me this AM that she will be in town this weekend so I will probably see her on Sunday.

#2 - For the last 7 years I've gone camping with my niece, a friend and her two kids once a year. Last year my niece requested that we camp for more than 2 nights in the future. It will still only be 2 nights, but it might feel longer because last year we left after school and had a longer drive.  By the time we set up our tent we went straight to bed.  This year they don't have school tomorrow, so we should be at the campground early afternoon.  

Since we are leaving earlier tomorrow I set aside much of today for prep.  However, much of my day got side tracked when I went to look at one condo this AM and decided to make an offer.  It is my 6th offer so I'm pretty flippant about it at this point.  Especially because the last place I made an offer on I loved.  So anything else I'll probably shrug my shoulders at.  It's a good option though, so I got in the offer today and then plan to forget about it over the weekend. 

#3 - I probably didn't offer enough, but I'm not in the mood to stretch too much today and am a bit drained by the whole process.  I keep saying I should take a break but then I keep going.  It's ok though, just knowing I can take a break if I need to takes the pressure off.  I have a place to live right now, and that is enough.

#4 - It's the last day of school for my friend's kids today and it's fun to feel their energy when they got home - a bit happy and free.

#5 - "The Dow is down," friend's kid.

"What does that mean?" friend's kid's friend.

"I don't know, the market?  It says right here." friend's kid

Suffering and Vegetables

#1 - I debated taking my friend's dog with me for a jog.  She arrived home right before I left and was hesitant.  "What are you afraid of?" I asked.

"I've never taken her on a run before."

"Well I jog a lot slower than you." I took her.  She did fine.  It was a good distraction for me.

#2 - My friend came home pretty upset, she didn't want to be unhappy/ungrateful with what I'm going thru, but I said, "It's fine. Not that I want everyone else to be unhappy, but it's still nice to know no matter what people's lives consist of, there are struggles and disappointment and frustrations."

#3 - Her youngest son and I did the Wordle after work, and then I showed him we could make our own (like I've done with my niece).  I was not there pretending to enjoy this.  I did enjoy it.

#4-5 - And I'll end with two videos that had opposite effect on me today.

The first made me cry.

The 2nd (from my friend's kid), made me laugh

If it Were Up to Me

The Children

 #1 - Michael's youngest had a 15 minute outdoor choir concert which I'm glad I attended.  Though I was only around the rambunctious and attention-seeking 8th graders for about a 1/2 hour, I was exhausted by it.  The trade would have to be immense to get me to go to 8th grade again - world peace, climate stabilization etc.

#2 - Afterwards I sat in the car while Michael did errands. I thought about a hopeful condo I'm going to see tomorrow and enjoyed having time/space to think about it.  I also realized it may be the last time I'm a passenger in this car.

#3 - Being able to hear and therefore sow the seeds for clearing up a misunderstanding between Michael and his youngest.

#4 - Michael's eldest came out and sat at the picnic table with Michael and I at the end of dinner.  We talked about many things, including an argument she and her Dad had yesterday.  We talked about how they didn't hear each other and what they needed etc. She and I have similar personalities so it can be good to discuss because we both get defensive and do not like when other people raise their voices to us.

#5 - The eldest was officially diagnosed with a concussion from being nailed in the head with a la crosse ball last week.  She had a helmet on, but it was close range and hard since she is goalie.  She isn't supposed to drive and so I'm happy to be here and able to help out.

Dear God, Dear One

 I listened to the second part of Elizabeth Gilbert's conversation on the We Can Do Hard Things podcast.  She shared a practice she has in the morning of writing "Dear God - What would you have me know for today?"  And then beginning a response with a term of endearment.

"I could do that," I thought and then I heard Anais Mitchell's Bright Star at the end of my work day and I thought, "Now is the time to write." I tried to do in on the computer but that wasn't working.  I have a lot more practice letting go by writing thru a pen, just keeping the pen moving and seeing what comes.  So I'm grateful to the suggestion of Gilbert and the music of Mitchell which was the soundtrack as I wrote, and the familiar practice of a paper and pen, and having the time and space to write and then type it up so I could share it here.  

Dear God,

What would you have me know for today?

Dear One, Dear one, one that is so dear to my heart – so dear from the tips of your toes, to the freckles on your nose to all the places that can’t be seen – to that hollow space in your heart, to the place that doesn’t want to be alone, to the place that is always alone and relishes it there. Dear one you are like the sun. Dear one you are like the rain. Dear one your foundation, your roots are being ripped form the soil. They are exposed to the elements and they are afraid if they will survive.  Survival in a way – the survival of your joy, the survival of your sense of belonging, the survival of your sense or communion or connection.

Dear one, the way in which we connect and separate and connect again flows thru out our life – flows in the way the wind comes thru the screen of a window – separate and unseen – gifts given, gifts grown, gifts gone – down the drain when we flushed them away – not enough, not enough, not enough – we can’t. Dear one – it is always enough.  It is always enough. You are always enough. Know this.  Know this. Know this. You are always enough and you always will be. I was given a gift when you sat down with a pen and paper today. I was given a gift where you honored me with a voice thru your pen. You have a voice my dear.  You have so many things to say. You are opening as you close. Beginning as you end. Traveling as you

Stay put.

Up and Down

 #1 - To my surprise a below list price offer I made on a condo was accepted.  I didn't know how to feel. I knew there was still a lot to figure out once I received the HOA documents and more info on a pending lawsuit for a former management company that was misusing funds. So I still had time to back out after I got more info. 

#2 - I just happened to have planned a lunch with a friend who used to be the president of the condo association where she lived.  The conversation was helpful, though still overwhelming.  At the end I asked if she wanted to see the place I may live online.  We looked and I started to get really sad.  This was not the direction I envisioned for my life this year.  

On the way home I started to cry.  Because of a detour I drove right by a friend's house so I stopped by.  She wasn't home.  I planned to get groceries, but I was crying and wanted comfort.  I thought of going home to get that, but I know that I need to start getting used to comfort from other sources so I stopped at another friend's on the way.  #3 - Thru this stop I learned she has a friend who owned a condo, most likely in this same development, and has really had a mess with it.  #4 - So it is because of my sadness that I went to a friend's and found out info that changed my decision and saved me the time and energy of sifting thru documents.

#5 - I still got the hug and comfort when I got home, and then Michael and I took a walk together.

April Showers

 #1 -  I ran out of time to finish making a squash and potato enchilada dish for dinner yesterday before I needed to leave.  So I finished it this AM which made for a much more fulfilling lunch than I usually have on the weekend.

#2- I've been doing a new student special at the hot yoga studio near me the last couple weeks.  I had it in the back of my mind to try sometime in Nov/Dec when I need that type of thing, but with the pandemic etc it never happened, but I ended up using it right when I needed it most and today was my last day.

#3 - Today was a longer class 75 minutes and I felt strong, they do a lot of chaturangas and I didn't modify that many this AM.

#4 -Apparently the woman leading today is the owner of the studio.  I wasn't really resonating with her vibe before and at the beginning of class.  

She started talking about the 4 minute mile and how it was a limit to runners for a long time, but then someone broke thru it and suddenly all these other people did too.  So she asked us in class to try something we might think we can't do (and that could be to rest in child's pose if we think, "I can't rest").  She continued with this theme of limiting playfullness in herself with a job and husband and child, but then realizing she could still play in crow's pose... And then later talked about having an ex-husband and leaving that job, and people telling her studio fitness was over with the pandemic (they've been open 5 years so were still fairly new in 2020) and that studio owners who believed that are now closed.

Anyway, I started appreciating her perspective.

#5 - I've said it before, but I'll say it again, I love that it's been a cold and rainy April.  Today another rainy day, we could hear it fall from within the studio.  It is a weather forecast designed specifically for me this year and I appreciate it.