Breakdown or Break Thru

Exhibit A - Mike Posner

Thrive

#1 - Watching my partner's daughter's soccer game in my new comfy dress from a friend, under an interesting sky, with some kind grandparents seated next to me.

#2 - Her game time this Saturday switched so it might work out for my niece (who plays soccer too) to come watch with us.

#3 - My partner's youngest asked at dinner, "Where is your favorite place?"  I didn't have a response. 

Her older sister replied, "Where we went to your family for Thanksgiving, it was really pretty there and Canada."

"In the winter time?"  I replied in amazement.

"Yeah," she said.

That was 4 years ago, the first year we met.  We drove 5 hours North to spend Thanksgiving with my family who lives on the border of Canada.  Instead of being annoyed by that, she remembers it as her favorite place???

Her younger sister said, "Florida."

#4 - When I pointed to the plate etc. that the youngest had forgotten to clean up from the table, instead of rolling her eyes or any form of annoyance, she enthusiastically said, "Thank you!" and immediately cleaned it up.

#5 - I marvel at people who can give anonymously, who don't need to be fed by the joy of seeing gratitude in return. I am not that person, I am hungry for gratefulness.  It feeds me.  I suppose it's a pretty good type of fuel.  I suppose as long as we can receive without feeling indebtedness, that giving and receiving can come thru clean.

Despite how often I've spent time alone, and on the outside in life, I still surprise myself by how much I end up connecting people.  But then again I suppose that makes sense.

Anyway, I don't know what I am trying to say except some friends and I sent a little tangible support to an old friend of ours from college who had a tough year and she was really touched by it.  And I'm grateful that a different friend gave her the gift so their connection was strengthened and there is a part of me that wanted to be seen and say, "That was my idea!"  And that part is so embarrassing and so silly and yet it is there.  And I didn't want to write that which is why this gratitude is taking so long to formulate.  I can imagine the author Elizabeth Gilbert suggesting saying something like, "You are welcome to join me on this ride, in this vehicle, but you are not allowed to drive.  You can sit in the backseat and wave your hand when you want attention.  I will acknowledge your need to be seen, but you must stay buckled in your seat belt for our safety and sanity," to that part of oneself.  There are so many needy and unwanted parts of ourselves to love, and maybe that is a part of thriving.

(My cousin sent me these photos a couple weeks back of a mural she came across.  She was touched not only by the beauty, but also that  it also addresses the struggles of life in the rocks/stones. )

Refocus

I am feeling crabby and frustrated right now, and yet, I have a practice to write daily gratitudes so here I am.

#1 - When my partner said he didn't want to answer because it was feeling controlling when we were talking outside about his job search, because that was true. I was feeling afraid and impatient and that manifests as control, but as long as we can recognize it we can stop it in its tracks, or at least not let it completely take over.

Then I wanted to thank my partner in the kitchen for saying the above, because he was right, so I asked for his full attention. He continued preparing his tea. I asked, "Should I come back later?"

And he said, "No I am listening now," but yet continued to do what he was doing.

I left to come back later. Apparently I ask for his full attention a lot, or what he perceives to be a lot, which I imagine is true.

#2 - And then I got frustrated because I was trying to scan all the documents we need to hopefully get reimbursement for the tow when the car broke down on the beginning of our vacation. I had everything ready but when I tried to attach them it said the file was too big. I easily get frustrated when I am trying to do something that I think "should be simple," especially with technology, and I don't want to get all riled up before bed so I walked away to write this instead and refocus my energy/self. Maybe I'll try again after my gratitude break.

#3 - My cousin sent a couple sweet/beautiful pictures from the dance floor at her sister's wedding.

#4 - When I showed Michael the photos he said, "Is that me?  No wonder nobody is hiring me.  I look so old I'm going to die," which was not the reaction I expected and it made me laugh.

#5 - I did try again after writing these and saved the scans as black and white pdf's at lower dpi and it worked

"There are millionaire achievers that go to Buddhist monks all the time
the reverse never happens...
Why is that?
The highest thing we have,
the number one asset we have is our connection to ourself,
and most of us think it is money,
so we make that the highest vibration but it's not
it's inner peace, it's this moment and you have that available."


Kyle Cease

Champions

#1 - My recreational soccer team won the "championship" for the first time. None of us are sure how that happened as we don't think we won that many games. My favorite part of winning was that somehow this inspired us for the first time to pose for a team photo. I hope to get that photo, because though I hardly know most of them in many ways, I do really appreciate that group of people.

#2 - Last year around this time I got an assignment from my writing and meditation class to do something simple for 30 days in a row. I decided to read a poem to a different person each day. Because of that I started going thru my address book and mostly leaving voicemail poems, occasionally reading to someone who answered. It was definitely a highlight of my year, so I was reminded of it when Sept. rolled around and decided to start a similar thing again. The other day I called someone I skipped last year because I do not have his phone number. I did have a number for his mom in my address book from long ago that I have never used, so this year I decided to try it. His mom answered and was super friendly. And today, much to my amazement, that friend called me back. I hadn't spoken to him for over 10 years and it brought me much energy and delight.

#3 - When Michael got home I just started exclaiming, "Jed called! Jed called!" and told him about our conversation.

#4 - I made a bit more involved dinner - homemade gnocchi and sauce, followed by a very basic apple pie with seconds apples I picked up at the farmer's market.

#5 - I didn't post last week because my day was full with a special gathering. This group of people with whom I spent a year living together as full-time volunteers 20 years ago, all got together for a church service (one of them is a pastor) and a picnic. Sometimes I hear the voices in my head of fear and scarcity.

Other times, I look at photos like this, and remember how much I live in abundance.