If a Tree Falls in The Forest

 If a tree falls in the forest and there is no one there to hear it, does it make a sound?

I've been thinking quite a bit about that question recently.  If I have an experience and don't have someone at home to share it with, has it really happened?

This weekend I was on a short trip with the local outdoors club.  Even while in a relationship, I enjoyed doing things separately, so it didn't feel strange to be there alone. However, what feels strange is coming home and not having someone there to tell about it.

It was also tough when I dropped the woman off I carpooled with, because she lives very close to where I just moved from.  It seemed I was returning to our home and my body wanted to drive there.

It is helpful that he no longer lives there either.

And it is helpful, that though I felt a pang in my chest when I got to those streets, I have also really fallen in love with where I am currently living.  

Foremost the location, but slowly as I paint etc. the space itself too.

And the woman I carpooled with is an angel.

I met her at the camping weekend I attended with the same outdoors club last month.  She had just joined the group as a recent empty nester.  I kind of assumed she must be divorced, but soon she offhandedly mentioned being a widow and my heart broke.

From that we dove into a deep conversation.  We soon found we had much in common.  She not only lives in the neighborhood I just moved from, she also signed up for a monthly women's group at the yoga studio there.  The same group I had signed up with.  The group has 10 women and there we were at a completely unrelated event.

I emailed her a few weeks ago to see if she was going on this weekend trip because if she was I wanted to carpool with her.  She hadn't planned on it, but the nudge led to her signing up and just as I suspected the 2 hour car ride each way was full of engaging conversation.

 Her husband died 3 1/2 years ago and now her daughters are gone at college and her situation is very different than mine.  But the grief is still a place of connection and questioning and commiseration.

Like today I said, "How can one possibly decide to get in a relationship again knowing it will lead to loss?  The only way it will not lead to loss is if I die first.  Otherwise, we'll either break up or he'll die."

And I also know this means I'm getting older and these kinds of questions will become more and more prominent as loss visits all of our doorsteps.

So I didn't come home to tell anyone about my weekend.

But I did come back to a place I'm making more and more a home and did a little more painting in the bathroom.  And I'm not sure I like the color, but I am sure the fact that I'm not sure makes it an adventure.

And I started the day leading a yoga class, which I've done on occasion for this outdoors group.  The first time was in 2015 when a guy was leading a yoga class at a winter cross-country ski etc weekend. After about 20 minutes he said, "That's about all I remember."  I was flabbergasted that not only was he not a yoga teacher, but he could only remember 20 minutes but still volunteered to lead it.  (I on the other hand can remember enough for an hour, but I'm not a yoga teacher so would have never volunteered myself.)  But on that day I said, "I guess I can jump in."  And since then if I'm on a trip I sometimes get asked if I'll lead yoga.

Anyway, I get a little nervous as I'm not a yoga teacher, but today I actually felt as relaxed at the end of class as if I were a student.  I had some ideas for how I was going to start class, but after that I just moved slowly, and allowed enough space for each next stretch to come to me.  And everyone else seemed to enjoy it and were surprised I'm not a regular teacher.

And I just looked up two things I wanted to send my angel/carpool companion.

A. The poem Lost by David Whyte - which I partially recited for her on a hike.

B. A book recommendation which I'd like to share here too. I found it to be brilliant.

The Nine Lives of Rose Napolitano

by

Donna Freitas (Goodreads Author)

3.72  · 

Rating details ·  5,531 ratings  ·  913 reviews

A deeply moving novel about a woman who thought she never wanted to be a mother—and the many ways that life can surprise us...

A stunning novel about love, loss, betrayal, divorce, death, a woman’s career and her identity, The Nine Lives of Rose Napolitano is about finding one’s way into a future that wasn’t the future one planned, and the ways that fate intercedes when we least expect it.

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/54719851-the-nine-lives-of-rose-napolitano