Mental Health EXPERT: How to Work WITH Your Anxiety to HEAL Your Life wi...

Last night in bed I realized I forgot to post this conversation as one of my gratitudes. Conversations like these between men give me hope for a different male energy, one we so desperately need.

My Father's Daughter

#1 - I was planning on doing a radon test in the home we bought...so I guess that is why I did a radon test in my condo. I didn't think there would be an issue, there isn't a basement and the bathroom fans in this complex run 24/7.

To my surprise the short term test came back 4.0 which is equivalent to 8 cigarettes a day.  So I took a long term (90) day test and that came back 5.0 - worse.

I had one mitigation consultant out here last week.  He really didn't know what to do and if it would work which was definitely discouraging.  It's hard to know if I should contact someone that works with multi-family buildings or single family.  Obviously I live in a multi-family building, but I wouldn't be paying to mitigate the whole building so the guy I spoke to who only does multi families wouldn't come out here.  He did talk with me on the phone for quite a while though and gave me a couple other names to try.

One came out today, I told him I thought the constant fans would mean there wouldn't be an issue but since then the research I've done has taught me the opposite. "Not only that,"he said, "but your hot water heat means air isn't circulating."

These are conversations I would have had with my father.  He would be so interested in all of this.

#2 - Paths of least resistance.  I made an offer, which I lost, on an upstairs unit in this complex before this one.  It was gorgeous like organic magazine living gorgeous.  My unit, on the other hand, felt like a rental, which it was.

I'd take my unit any day over the one I lost though because as a lower unit it has a door directly to a patio outside.

I told myself in the upstairs unit, that it wasn't far to walk downstairs outside to some picnic tables. This is true.

But it is also true that would reduce the amount of meals I took time to eat outside by at least half.  Today's dinner would have surely been one of them.

#3 - And because I ate dinner outside I thought, "I'd like to go for a walk." It's easy for me to have that thought here. As I started my walk I once again reflected on the magic or grace that brought me to live here. Homes in this area were well out of our reach, so it hadn't been an area I was considering.

About 3 blocks into my walk I saw an office chair with a "free" sign at the end of a driveway.  I have an office chair but I sat on it and it seemed more comfortable than mine.  "If it is still here at the end of my walk I'll get it," I thought.

When I returned it was still there.  Rolling it down the street was really loud though and I thought I was disturbing the whole neighborhood.  There was one guy walking his dogs and he was glad I was taking the chair (it was his).

#4 - When I got home I decided the chair is actually about equal in comfort to mine, however, definitely more stylish. And I have a little desk like/junk mail area by my entry that I have a cushioned folding chair now, but maybe I'll just use this instead and keep both.

#5 - Before I left for my walk I thought about calling my cousin whose birthday is tomorrow to see if she wanted to walk with me. I knew she was camping with her boyfriend the last couple nights and maybe she was still there. But then I figured, "No she's probably returning from camping still, or hanging out with him."

As soon as I got home I got a call from her. She is still there and she asked me if I wanted to go for a walk tomorrow!  So after work I will see her then.

P.S. I'm adding this song which is on repeat tonight.  I wonder why it resonates so much, I don't relate to many of the lyrics, but the emotion, yeah I connect with that.

Resilience

I woke up at 6:00 this morning to drop-off my college roommate at the starting line of the Twin Cities marathon.   She had been awake for a half hour already, when she learned via her phone that the marathon had been cancelled.

To everyone in MN who prefers the climate to change, rather than have to move to a warmer one, you are now a winner.

People texted my friend other marathon options...that included added costs, travel and scheduling conflicts. 

Last night when we talked about her "why" for running. She had decided she was running this race to learn about resilience.  She was anticipating physical resilience, or mental perseverance, not that the race she had trained for months for would be cancelled.

This is a different kind of resilience.

Life is tricky.

After a few hours she decided she needed to get out and walk or bike.  I asked if she wanted to run at all. She said no, she didn't have water to take with her (she planned on water en route). I asked where she wanted to go, by me or on the race route.  She said she didn't care. So I decided we'd just walk from my place.

But then I thought about it and decided we should go to the race route, there would probably be other runners out there and it would be good for her to be with others sharing her disappointment.  

We drove to the route, parked and started walking.  There were other runners and there were still people cheering, some people were passing out water, and there was music.  

"I'm wanting to run," my friend said.

"I figured you would," I responded.

"I don't have my brace."

"We can go back to the car and get it,"

"I don't want to go back."

So she started running, I went back to the car. Then drove ahead and tried to find her.  

It is tricky because they decided to cancel the race for the heat, yet people were still running and the route wasn't marked as well and there was less support for runners, certainly no runner tracking.  I almost gave up on finding my friend and then I spotted her.  I parked a bit ahead, stopped her and she put some supports on her legs, grabbed some gel packs and kept going with her cell phone.

She started running at mile 4. I drove to mile 10 and waited with my sign for her.  I really didn't think this would be that fun, but I was really surprised to feel the opposite, even with much fewer runners and supporters, I got caught up in the energy.  She hugged me at mile 10 and continued.  I dropped her stuff off at her friend's near the end of the route, and then I went to play soccer.

I don't know how far she got.  I'm sure there are people who still pushed themselves today, without the medical support the marathon provides. She had her adult children textable to pick her up, as well as the friend who lived later en route.  So I just hope she was able to feel her resilience without endangering her health. 

Just writing this I started worrying about her in the heat.  I went to get my work cell phone.  I got her 17 year old's number (who was one of the people picking her up at the end of the race) last night.  I was going to ask, but there was already a text from him 20 minutes ago,

"She finished."

I'm not sure if that means she made it to the finish line, or that she completed the whole 26.2 (since she started near mile 4), but it does mean her family knows where she is and she is breathing.

And I'm so, so, so grateful that we didn't just sit inside all morning.  I'm grateful she eventually wanted to go for a walk.  And I'm grateful I listened to my intuition that she should be around other runners.  I couldn't imagine planning to run 26.2 miles one day and then

not running at all.

I thought she needed something, even if were less, to still feel an accomplishment.

However she finished, she did it with less institutional support and less fan support.  There wasn't a race app that people that loved her could follow to find her.

Yet she kept going.

I guess resilience is the word alright.

Oprah Shares “The Letter from Glennon that Freed Me”

243. Oprah Shares “The Letter from Glennon that Freed Me”We Can Do Hard Things with Glennon Doyle

 It was a damn good letter, after minute 50 in the podcast, though I'm not sure if it would be as impactful without listening to the whole podcast.

 

 

 https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/243-oprah-shares-the-letter-from-glennon-that-freed-me/id1564530722?i=1000628652758

Cross Country

 I went to my first cross country running race today.  When I pulled in I thought I must be at the wrong spot, it looked like a festival with food trucks etc...

First my nephew ran a mile race.  He doesn't regularly run (well beyond the way a 8 year old runs all the time playing), but because it was the home race I guess they had something for the elementary kids? I was grateful he had a different color shirt on than all the other kids so he was easy to spot. I also learned I need to dress to run at these races, unless you only want to see them go by once.  If you want to see them multiple places on the course you need to be ready to move.  Luckily, I'm usually dressed pretty movement friendly, however next time I will also wear running shoes.

My niece is really fast.  She ran a 2 mile race and placed 4th (she missed 3rd by less than a second).  When I got there I thought, "I'd rather watch her play soccer," which I haven't got to do yet this year because the games have been overlapping with my park and rec tennis.  I also thought, "In a couple years she is going to have to choose between this and soccer, I hope she chooses soccer."

That was my thought before the race, after the race I thought,

"I hope she chooses what she loves."

Whispering in Your Ear

#1 - I stopped doing anything with my photos (besides taking them) in 2016 when I filled up my last album.  One thing I want to do while I'm single/have lots of time to myself is catch those up.  I am surprised how much I am enjoying creating photo books.  I have to be careful when I start working on it (like tonight when I gave myself an 8pm cut off, and that was 45 minutes ago).  I am now caught up to middle of 2021.  So I've made a lot of progress.  

#2 - We had our first staff meeting for one of the jobs I do during the school year.  One of the ice breaker questions was, "What was your favorite/most memorable vacation?"  I didn't have to think long before writing my most recent trip to the Boundary Waters Canoe Area (in 2020). I think everyone else in my group mentioned an international trip, and my director said to me, "Even more than Japan?"

"Yes," I replied, "even more than Japan."

It could be a painful memory, but so far it's still a treasured one.

#3 - When I moved into my place there was one home improvement I knew I wanted to make (besides painting).  Most condos I looked at didn't have any natural light in the kitchens because there would be a wall in between.  I'll include a photo for reference.  My kitchen wall runs perpendicular to the outer wall, so some light comes in.

Even more light would come in if I could replace that white door with one with a window, as a number of people in this complex had done.  I told my Realtor, "In a year or so, when I think I've moved thru the majority of my grief, I'm going to get a new door to let in more light."

So it's been a year, and I was really HOPING to do this before fall/it gets cold.  Someone came out to give me quotes in late July.  He said it would take about a week and I still don't have them.

So maybe I have more grief to move thru this winter?

I don't know, but I called another place today and they are coming out to give me a quote on Tuesday.  And I suppose either way, hopefully I'll get quotes from both now to make a more informed decision.

#4 - Grace is my word of the year.  In the beginning of the year I definitely found a few examples of it, however sometimes I was wondering where to find it.

Lately it seems to be everywhere.

Today I was sitting outside eating and someone scooted up to a car.  At first I thought it was a teenager just because of how she moved and the little scooter.  She made some comment about what a pain it was but that it would be better when it's done.  (They are redoing the main parking lot in my complex.) When she came back around I asked, "How long is the lot closed?"

"Til Sunday,"

"You are welcome to park in my spot until Sunday."

"What spot are you...do you park in your garage?"

"Yes."

Then she asked how long I lived here and I asked the same.  She bought it in 2008.  "Wow you've been here a while."

"Well, I got married..." and then a story began about how she got married and rented the condo out and was in an abusive marriage and then moved around a lot and her ex-husband followed her around and...she told me quite a bit for never speaking before.  But the long story short was, I had wanted to offer my spot to someone in the other buildings.  And I did offer it to the one person I know over there, but she was going to be out of town. So I just let it go.  And then the universe said, "I am going to scoot another option right in front of your nose..."

 #5 - "I am whispering in your ear Tammy...Imagine that the deepest, deepest, most soulful part of you is about to be increasingly welcome, welcome in collective group mind." Caroline W. Casey

I Remember Everything

 #1 - I enjoy living alone, fairly often however when I sit down to dinner I think that it would be nice to talk to someone.  This happened today and then I recalled I had seen in the mail preview I get in email (and usually ignore) that there was something from a friend.  So I got up and went to the mailbox.

#2 - The letter in itself was a gift, but even more so it sparked a conversation/response in my head on things I was just thinking about the last couple days.

I've thought quite a bit about how essential the audience is.  What I mean is I won't write the same letter to different people, the recipient evokes part of what I write.

Or if you are at a concert, how much the audience is captivated by the musician affects the performance.

We give our power away or maybe a better way to say it is

we allow our power to be used, or

what we focus on grows.

#3 - I was hoping to get a new door before fall, with a window to let more light in the kitchen.  Someone came out the end of last month to give me some quotes.  He said he'd send them the next week.  This was a month ago. I've tried following up a couple times, and am starting to wonder if this will be able to happen this year (before it gets cold). He finally answered today.  Maybe the door will have to wait, maybe I should go with someone else... I'm trying to be engaged and move along the process, while also not being too attached to my own timeline.

 #4 - I emailed my manager for the job I do during the school year about my availability the next couple weeks.  She ended her email, "Looking forward to seeing you soon!" and I genuinely feel the same.

 #5 - Song on repeat this week.

Zach Bryan - I Remember Everything (feat. Kacey Musgraves)