Productive Day

I had one of those days where I had energy to organize and clean and bake.  I organized a new spot for the hats and scarves by the front door.  I asked Michael not to say anything until tomorrow  because I was too excited about it today in case he doesn't like it.  I asked him to give it at least a 24 hour chance before commenting.

Then I have this pumpkin cheesecake bar recipe that looks really yummi I want to try sometime.  However it has multiple pricey ingredients and requires a food processor which we don't have.   I debated trying to do it anyway, but then just decided to made a simpler dessert recipe I like with pumpkin/coconut/dates.  That recipe didn't use the entire can of pumpkin and happened to have just enough left over to make some pumpkin cranberry scones.

I'm taking Michael's daughters for a personal shopping session at the thrift store for their Xmas present tomorrow.  We tried this last year and it went really well.  There is a winter weather advisory for tomorrow so I asked the shopper if she wanted to reschedule for later this week, however she is going out of town so we're going to try for tomorrow.  The forecast does at least look better now than earlier today.

And I have a plan on New Years Day to teach my friend's family how to play Catan (board game).  I played once with her kids last month and then they asked for the game for Christmas.  I volunteered to come over and teach my friend, because reading the instructions on that game would be overwhelming, and I enjoy teaching people.  When I taught my cousin Ashley last week she said, "Tammy you are a really good teacher.  You don't give too much information. You wait until it's needed."

And it has been so nice the last month around here.  It was hard to know how much of the stress and tension we felt since I moved in was related to us or related to the lack of job situation.  And we still can't say entirely of course, however, it has felt so much lighter around here this month.

And to that I say AMEN!

I am Certain That We Can

Three of my four cousins are now adults and in relationships and living in different places, so finding a time when we can all be in the same place in the next week or so is challenging.  My brother and his family had a less open schedule then I, so I said whatever worked for them was fine.  I checked my email at 7:15 AM and nothing had transpired for plans, beyond possibly tomorrow, so I left for an early AM cross-country ski. 

My partner's eldest started work at 8.  She can/often takes the bus, however usually her shifts are later.  I volunteered to drop her off on the way and use that to motivate me.  I'm super glad as it was the perfect morning to ski and the temperatures in the next couple days are turning the snow to mush. 

When I got home my brother said we were going today.  I never would have skied if I'd known that as I had groceries etc to do, however we found a plan that worked for both of us.  I don't know exactly when or how many of my cousins will make it.  However I'm grateful for someone else to organize.  I'm happy to have some time in the car with my niece and nephew, I grabbed a few books and a headlamp so I can read to them.  And I'm sure I'll have some time by myself to read too, as I usually get up first.

This did disappoint Michael.  There is a movie (Kumare) we've tried to watch three times this month.  The first we went to a yoga studio to watch it and it didn't work.  Then I checked it out from the library.  We were going to watch it last Saturday but Michael stayed out with his friend later than expected.  Then we were going to watch it tonight, but now I won't be here.  So i just seems we haven't found the right moment yet. 

However I am certain that we can.

Personal Shopper

#1 - I haven't done something fun/alone with my sister-in-law for a long time. Today for a holiday gift I signed us up for a duo personal shopping session at the thrift store (free service).  My sister-in-law had never tried this before (it was the second time for me) and we both really enjoyed it.  The most fun part is trying on things you wouldn't usually pick out for yourself.  Some of which there is a reason you wouldn't, but other things are pleasant surprises.

#2 - Some things you try on and say, "No," or "Maybe," or "Yes."  There were a few dresses that I tried that I liked, and felt comfortable  and decided to get.  However, there was one dress I put on and said, "YES!!!"   When I showed my sister-in-law, she felt the same way about it.

#3 - After we went home my partner and I were going to go to a lighted ski trail (since it was dark).  However my brother and niece wanted to go too, so we went to the trail by their place which does not have lights.  But with the snow and the city light in the backdrop they weren't needed and I actually find it more relaxing withouth.   The snow was perfect, fluffy, it didn't stick and no ice, and the temperature was pleasant and without wind. 

#4 - At first I wasn't sure I wanted my niece to go, because I wanted to ski for a while, not go a little bit and then hear her want to go back because she was bored or tired.  But she kept up no problem.  She has become quite skilled and confident and only took a brief break to have her dad pull her.

#5 - There is some music I want to go to next week.  I asked a few friends.  I got a couple no's and a couple maybes.  I emailed the maybes again earlier this week and was waiting...  One of them responded today that she'd come. 

I haven't done something fun with her for quite a while.  The last time we got together I got the car caught in the ditch after helping at her parents.  I was backing out of the driveway  and I had to call a tow truck.  I was so upset with myself.  Thankfully there was no damage. 

The Sun is Mine

I went to a writing group today and started writing,

"I think what I'm so confused by is how much I have not noticed the changes - how natural they feel and sit within me.  The woman who is here now living with her partner and half the time his 11 & 14 year old daughters.

I want to reach back and find the woman who would find this unfathomably possible..."

It was hard to find that woman though because it seems perfectly normal to me now.  However as I left Roxanne, the instructor, said, "There is so much growth!"  I'm not sure how long ago I started writing with Roxanne - probably 10 years - she's known me a while.  She sees it.

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"What I really want to write is how he got up every day and tried.  And how sometimes my presence was not helpful - it was fearful, it was critical, it was micromanaging, it was controlling."

But he kept getting up and trying.

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A woman was shuffling across the street in front of me and when she got to the big chunk of ice between the street and the sidewalk/curb, she turned to me and asked, "Could you help me?"

It made my day.

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I went to a middle school choir concert tonight and there were two songs I found so beautiful.

The Sun is Mine by Laura Hawley

The Sun is Mine
and the trees are mine
the light breeze is mine...

and
 

Winter Song by Ingrid Michaelson and Sara Bareilles

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I've been writing some gratitudes about my niece this year, and I was wondering if I put them in a card for her if she's old enough to appreciate them.  Then I thought of saving them as a gift when she's a little older.  Then I thought of just starting a little journal with just little notes and gratitudes about her (and another for my nephew) and the thought made me so happy.

He Starts Monday

We started the day with a 1 mile walk thru a deep fresh snowfall to a kettle bell class.  Between the walk in the snow, the class and then shoveling/snow blowing when I got home, I got a good chunk of exercise today.

As I sit here typing this I think of the gender reversal going on right now.  I took care of the snow on the driveway, sidewalk and roof today, my partner is doing most of the cooking in the kitchen for a big Thanksgiving meal.  I am happy with this.

We are having Thanksgiving at my dad's tomorrow, however Michael still wants to cook a traditional meal too so we will have that tonight.  We have also each invited a friend to join us who don't have family living in town.  I could tell by the friend I invited's voice that he really appreciated it.  If that weren't enough beauty, Michael has been dancing in the kitchen while he cooks.

Michael does not dance.  However the blog post I wrote last week and just posted now, might explain why.

The Offer

Written last week, but I waited to post, just wanting to sit with it ourselves first for a bit, and in case anything fell thru...

The man I live with, came downstairs and said, "I think I might cry," because someone finally offered him a job. He'd heard that people might low ball him because he'd been out of work for so long, but without even a negotiation, he was offered a bit more than his last position. He laid on the couch like a piece of sludge.  He said muscles that hadn't released for a year were letting go.

Later we sat together and did a ritual of gratitude. He said he wants to figure out what happened.  After the lay-off he got up every day and was at a computer and working, however it took a long time for him to start applying for positions and even longer to get some confidence back.  I don't know how much time he'll take to look deeper into this once he is busy working again, however I'm grateful that he at least wants to try.

The car needs new tires and brakes - important things, but things you debate on when you don't have an income.  We decided to order the tires a few weeks back before the roads get icy, it took a while for them to come in, so that appt is Thursday.  After the offer today it was no more debating about when to do the brakes, that appt is now tomorrow.

I Nailed It

#1 - My friend came over for a brisk, lunchtime walk today, my cheeks were pink and invigorated.  She also shared with me a draft proposal she has written for a theater piece.

#2 - My partner was disconnected with me when we woke up - hurt, upset or angry about something.  I tried to talk to him about it but he was preparing for an interview today and not in the space for that.  A half hour before the interview he reconnected with me with a hug.  He said he realized what he needed was connection.  We still need to talk about what was bothering him this AM, however I'm glad he chose to shift his focus.

#3 - "I nailed it!"  his comment after the interview.

#4 -  Having the time and space to listen when someone I love called me about a disturbing experience.  And then at the end of the listening having a resource (person) in mind that I just emailed to get some support and advice about the disturbing situation.

#5 - Finally a podcast I listened to today on a topic I've long found concerning - especially considering almost everyone now has it in their homes.

Is violent porn changing us? Next Question with Katie Couric

"Are you holding a smartphone or sitting down at your laptop right now? If so, you’re just a few clicks away from free, hardcore pornography. There are no explicit content warnings, and no age verifications to make you think twice about clicking "play”—which means kids as young as 9 and 10 are being exposed to sex for the first time via sites..."

 https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/is-violent-porn-changing-us/id1134154895?i=1000451338319

Consider This

#1 - Dala - I printed out the chords to a couple of their songs a long time ago, but I didn't have the lyrics.  Today I went online to play along with them and played those songs as well as a few other Dala songs I was unfamiliar with.  My fingers don't have much for callouses since I haven't been playing much but it was fun to play again.

#2 - While I was waiting for my partner to get home and make dinner I debated taking a shower etc or doing meal prep for tomorrow.   I expected him to get home soon so I didn't want to take over the kitchen, but I also didn't really want to do meal prep late into the evening.  I started small and then just kept going, and by the time my partner was back I was almost done prepping a vegetarian lasagna to bake tomorrow.

#3 - So tomorrow all I have to do for dinner is put the lasagna in the oven.  This will work well as I'm finally going to check out a writer's group that happens once a month at one of the local libraries, it hasn't worked out with my schedule to go thus far.

#4 - My weekly Sunday soccer was on a "bye" today, but since I'm living in a relatively new location, it is much easier to motivate myself to get out for a jog.  Pretty soon it will be too cold for me, but not quite yet.  This also helped make me a little more patient when I was hungry for dinner.

#5 - I called my cousin a couple weeks ago to hear about her birthday weekend.  When she answered I said, "Is Tyler still there?"

"Yes."

"Ok, then I can hear about your weekend later.  Love you."  They live 6 hours apart so they value the time they have together.  She told Tyler what I'd said when she got off the phone and he thought I was being very considerate.

Tolstoy, Cleaning, Ducklings

I was looking for something to read and I picked up this relatively short book by Leo Tolstoy called Confessions. I know of Tolstoy but I don't really know much about him so I started reading and wow. He is doing some serious introspection and questioning on religion and the purpose of life and it sounds so modern even though it was written in the late 1800's.

I spent most of the day inside cleaning, but I did get out for a beautiful walk with a friend this afternoon as well as to rake up some leaves and talk to a neighbor. We are really blessed by our immediate neighbors.

Tonight I go to sleep on clean sheets, with both bathrooms cleaned, the two rooms and stairs with carpet vacuumed, and a new shower curtain hanging in the bathroom. Repeated washings of the old shower curtain did not get out the stains at the bottom and it has been bothering me quite some time. I thought I'd change it when my partner got a new job but I just couldn't take it anymore. Plus we joined a couples group that will meet once a month and the meeting next weekend is here so that became my impetus.

This evening after being active all day I had the patience to sit down at the computer and work on an application for an Education position at the Friends of the Boundary Waters. They asked for a couple writing samples and I was so happy to find this story - well it's non-fiction so not a story - that I wrote a number of years ago about an awful situation with some ducks and a car. So I'm not happy about what happened with the ducks, but I am grateful that I took the time to write about it.

Maybe I should use one of my gratitude entries for a writing sample?  After I had that thought I then thought, "but what would I pick?" I'm not sure I have the patience to look.  We'll see...

Kiva

#1 - I got an email that some of my Kiva money defaulted, which led to a discussion with my partner who wasn't familiar with Kiva! It was a bummer to get the default email, but as I thought about it, I've been lending on Kiva for over ten years. I looked at my stats and I've put in about $200, but that now equals $2,075.00 lent because when it gets paid back I lend it out again. So I guess a couple $25 defaults 12 years later aren't a big deal.

#2 - I have been trying to get my friend that lives near me now to play tennis with me all year. Today, on my last attempt before it gets too cold he agreed. It was a perfect warm fall evening, though we couldn't play long as it gets dark early. I thought my tennis lessons this summer might make me more competitive. Not really.

#3 - I told my friend about the couples group we recently joined and he asked me to send him a list of the discussion topics.

#4 - My partner told me how he'd felt when we were hugging and kissing in the kitchen, he said he'd felt desired and he was grateful for that.

#5 - I haven't spent as much time in nature this year as I would like, however I am grateful for the time outside I do get, which today included the tennis game as well as a bike ride along the Mississippi. There are some trees that have been submerged for a long time and yet are resilient. I wonder how long they can hold out with their roots submerged.

(I forgot to bring a camera on my ride today. These photos are from a few weeks ago.)

The Path Made Clear

#1 - I got a hug from my favorite 10 year old and a "Are you going to be here when we get home from school?" :) from his younger brother this morning.  The youngest also demonstrated how to fold a paper boomerang.

#2 - I don't like the energy of bonding over a common enemy, and "what you resist persists," so sometimes protests doesn't resonate with me.  However, tears came to my eyes when I got downtown tonight and saw all the people who had come together to tell the president, "No."

#3 - I actually really enjoyed my "interview" which felt a lot like a conversation with some in depth questioning with 5 women from the League of Women Voters this afternoon.

#4 - I'm reading

The Path Made Clear

Discovering your Life's Direction and Purpose

by Winfrey, Oprah

Today I read a page with a quote by Eckhart Tolle to my partner and he wanted a copy of it.  It was about how it's more important how you respond to what happens to you, than what happens to you, and that is what will determine your life trajectory.  

#5 - Attending my friend's father's funeral.  I'm super grateful to be able to be there and for having work that has allowed me to be present for so many important events without being stressed out because I will need to catch up.

Wealthy Indeed

#1 - Coming home to a phone message that a good friend of mine's family member died and having the time and space to curl up on the couch and give her my complete attention and presence.  This makes me feel wealthy indeed.

#2 - When I said the time right before death is a "sacred space" and she said, "I knew you'd understand."

#3 - Having a monthly open writing group that is the following afternoon to suggest to her as a way to really sit with and process what she is going thru right now.  I don't know if she'll come, but it felt like something valuable to offer.

#4 - Watching an 11 and 14 year old have to be wrangled in by their father at the park on a cool rainy day after we'd just had dinner under a picnic shelter.

#5 - Climbing into bed after my partner and curling up beside him for a bit before sleep.  (More than 90% of the time I'm in bed first).  When I pulled away he said, "Thanks for connecting."

Breakdown or Break Thru

Exhibit A - Mike Posner

Thrive

#1 - Watching my partner's daughter's soccer game in my new comfy dress from a friend, under an interesting sky, with some kind grandparents seated next to me.

#2 - Her game time this Saturday switched so it might work out for my niece (who plays soccer too) to come watch with us.

#3 - My partner's youngest asked at dinner, "Where is your favorite place?"  I didn't have a response. 

Her older sister replied, "Where we went to your family for Thanksgiving, it was really pretty there and Canada."

"In the winter time?"  I replied in amazement.

"Yeah," she said.

That was 4 years ago, the first year we met.  We drove 5 hours North to spend Thanksgiving with my family who lives on the border of Canada.  Instead of being annoyed by that, she remembers it as her favorite place???

Her younger sister said, "Florida."

#4 - When I pointed to the plate etc. that the youngest had forgotten to clean up from the table, instead of rolling her eyes or any form of annoyance, she enthusiastically said, "Thank you!" and immediately cleaned it up.

#5 - I marvel at people who can give anonymously, who don't need to be fed by the joy of seeing gratitude in return. I am not that person, I am hungry for gratefulness.  It feeds me.  I suppose it's a pretty good type of fuel.  I suppose as long as we can receive without feeling indebtedness, that giving and receiving can come thru clean.

Despite how often I've spent time alone, and on the outside in life, I still surprise myself by how much I end up connecting people.  But then again I suppose that makes sense.

Anyway, I don't know what I am trying to say except some friends and I sent a little tangible support to an old friend of ours from college who had a tough year and she was really touched by it.  And I'm grateful that a different friend gave her the gift so their connection was strengthened and there is a part of me that wanted to be seen and say, "That was my idea!"  And that part is so embarrassing and so silly and yet it is there.  And I didn't want to write that which is why this gratitude is taking so long to formulate.  I can imagine the author Elizabeth Gilbert suggesting saying something like, "You are welcome to join me on this ride, in this vehicle, but you are not allowed to drive.  You can sit in the backseat and wave your hand when you want attention.  I will acknowledge your need to be seen, but you must stay buckled in your seat belt for our safety and sanity," to that part of oneself.  There are so many needy and unwanted parts of ourselves to love, and maybe that is a part of thriving.

(My cousin sent me these photos a couple weeks back of a mural she came across.  She was touched not only by the beauty, but also that  it also addresses the struggles of life in the rocks/stones. )

Refocus

I am feeling crabby and frustrated right now, and yet, I have a practice to write daily gratitudes so here I am.

#1 - When my partner said he didn't want to answer because it was feeling controlling when we were talking outside about his job search, because that was true. I was feeling afraid and impatient and that manifests as control, but as long as we can recognize it we can stop it in its tracks, or at least not let it completely take over.

Then I wanted to thank my partner in the kitchen for saying the above, because he was right, so I asked for his full attention. He continued preparing his tea. I asked, "Should I come back later?"

And he said, "No I am listening now," but yet continued to do what he was doing.

I left to come back later. Apparently I ask for his full attention a lot, or what he perceives to be a lot, which I imagine is true.

#2 - And then I got frustrated because I was trying to scan all the documents we need to hopefully get reimbursement for the tow when the car broke down on the beginning of our vacation. I had everything ready but when I tried to attach them it said the file was too big. I easily get frustrated when I am trying to do something that I think "should be simple," especially with technology, and I don't want to get all riled up before bed so I walked away to write this instead and refocus my energy/self. Maybe I'll try again after my gratitude break.

#3 - My cousin sent a couple sweet/beautiful pictures from the dance floor at her sister's wedding.

#4 - When I showed Michael the photos he said, "Is that me?  No wonder nobody is hiring me.  I look so old I'm going to die," which was not the reaction I expected and it made me laugh.

#5 - I did try again after writing these and saved the scans as black and white pdf's at lower dpi and it worked

"There are millionaire achievers that go to Buddhist monks all the time
the reverse never happens...
Why is that?
The highest thing we have,
the number one asset we have is our connection to ourself,
and most of us think it is money,
so we make that the highest vibration but it's not
it's inner peace, it's this moment and you have that available."


Kyle Cease

Champions

#1 - My recreational soccer team won the "championship" for the first time. None of us are sure how that happened as we don't think we won that many games. My favorite part of winning was that somehow this inspired us for the first time to pose for a team photo. I hope to get that photo, because though I hardly know most of them in many ways, I do really appreciate that group of people.

#2 - Last year around this time I got an assignment from my writing and meditation class to do something simple for 30 days in a row. I decided to read a poem to a different person each day. Because of that I started going thru my address book and mostly leaving voicemail poems, occasionally reading to someone who answered. It was definitely a highlight of my year, so I was reminded of it when Sept. rolled around and decided to start a similar thing again. The other day I called someone I skipped last year because I do not have his phone number. I did have a number for his mom in my address book from long ago that I have never used, so this year I decided to try it. His mom answered and was super friendly. And today, much to my amazement, that friend called me back. I hadn't spoken to him for over 10 years and it brought me much energy and delight.

#3 - When Michael got home I just started exclaiming, "Jed called! Jed called!" and told him about our conversation.

#4 - I made a bit more involved dinner - homemade gnocchi and sauce, followed by a very basic apple pie with seconds apples I picked up at the farmer's market.

#5 - I didn't post last week because my day was full with a special gathering. This group of people with whom I spent a year living together as full-time volunteers 20 years ago, all got together for a church service (one of them is a pastor) and a picnic. Sometimes I hear the voices in my head of fear and scarcity.

Other times, I look at photos like this, and remember how much I live in abundance.

Keep Blooming

#1 - These wildflowers keep going all summer. The photo at the top is the newest one I've noticed.

#2 - I signed up for a Saturday AM tennis match play with Park and Rec. Today I arrived at the same time (a little late) as a woman which was perfect. There were already two men already playing. So we played singles for a while and then ended with a half hour or so of doubles. We were pretty evenly matched so it was fun.

#3 - I was running late for tennis so left a few dishes and the frying pan dirty, which were all clean when I got home.

#4 - Taking a moment to pause in my day and read the poem Dhu'l-Hijjah Pastoral by Sagirah Shahid.

#5 - I gave myself a time out when I noticed myself getting frustrated. I had been meaning to play some guitar today, so I gave myself a guitar time out. It worked. Until I got up and returned to my life.

BWCA?

I've done a lot of tent camping in my life, but almost always with a car nearby.  One of the exceptions to this was my sophomore year of college when I took a weekend trip with the outdoors club to the Boundary Waters Canoe Area.  We canoed and portaged in for three nights in late May.  Ever since I wanted to return, but my camping skills are not up to par.  I find it extremely stressful to pack everything you need as minimally as possible.  Plus I prepare food beforehand, stick in it a cooler etc.

So when I thought of desirable attributes of a partner, this one topped my list.  It certainly wasn't required, but meeting someone with deeper outdoors skills than I would be a serious bonus.

Hence 2015, when I took my second BWCA trip, it had been nearly 20 years.  I met that man five months prior and he and his two daughters and I took an easy, three night trip in the BWCA.  It was wonderful.  Though I definitely held him back some and tired out before he did.

The following summer we took my 3rd BWCA trip.  This did not go so well.  Our relationship had entered rocky shores that summer and by the time we made our reservation the routes I was comfortable with were taken, so he ended up making a reservation on a big lake I was not comfortable with.  I also started having panic attacks that summer and on the first night in the BWCA the wind blew (like a storm was coming), the storm never arrived but suddenly my fight or flight system was in overdrive.  I kept needing to get out of the tent because I felt claustrophic and also pee continually - more than seemed possible, I guess from fear.  I knew I would be fine in the morning, the five previous panic attacks I'd had in my life lasted minutes - less than an hour.  However, the next morning I felt the same, and most of the day.  I was exhausted, had difficulty forcing myself to eat, and I could not enjoy the beauty we were surrounded by.  Although after dinner I finally felt myself again, we decided to leave early.

On the way out, that gigantic lake that I was scared of had immense waves and was a precarious crossing to say the least.

So the following summer, 2017, I was not going to the BWCA, I was trying to simply reestablish a comfortable relationship between myself and camping.

2018 I once again skipped the trip.  I debated about it and thought I'd be sad, but when the time arrived I knew it had been the right decision.  I also took another big trip that year (Spain) so it wasn't much of a sacrifice.

This summer 2019, after a three year break the four of us were back on track again.  Out of over 50 entry points, my partner happened to select the same one I'd done in college.  Usually I'd want to try something new, but in this case it was incredibly reassuring.  I'd been fine there in college, I knew it was doable and I knew the lakes were not huge.

My one complaint about BWCA trips is it seems like the preparations consume the entire summer.  I suggested we do as much prep in the winter as possible and Michael agreed, however, then he got laid off and priorities shifted.  So we were back to preparing as much as possible on weekends etc this summer.  We got the food done as much as possible ahead of time.  Then it was having the growing children try on their clothes/shoes, buying what was now too small, testing raingear, putting bug and tick repellent on clothing, making sure the gas stove, first aid kid etc everything was supplied.

On Wed AM we packed up the car.  The first photo is the youngest bringing all 4 pfd's out to the car at once, layered with creativity.

The second photo shows the hitch we borrowed from a friend to hold our food.  Usually we have a storage we can stick on the roof, but unlike our previous trip when the kids were small enough that we could all fit in one canoe (them sharing the middle seat).  This year we'd be bringing Michael's solo canoe and also renting a canoe once we got up there.

I was also really looking forward to this trip because it would be 6 nights, the longest I'd done in the BWCA previously was 3.  We were to drive up there Wed, stay one night in a bunkhouse so we'd have a quick morning on Thursday, enter and stay the next 6 nights.  Exit and maybe camp or hotel one night before the 5 hour drive back.

When Michael found out he didn't get the latest job he asked if we should even go.  "I understand your concern.  However, we've done all this prep.  You can still do job search stuff Monday-Tuesday.  We'll be gone Wed-Friday.  Then we can come back so that you can return to your job search stuff Thursday-Friday next week, or even a day earlier if needed."  I shared his concerns, however I also think he/we need nature and time active and outdoors.

We happily headed off early Wed afternoon, everything to my surprise fitting well and bounded northward.  120 miles into our journey the engine light started flashing and Michael pulled over on the highway.  The temperature was normal, everything was running normal, but he called the nearest Hyundai dealer and they said to not drive it and to get towed to them.  This meant waiting on the side of the highway for at least an hour, she didn't know how much the tow would cost.  It was already 4pm and the service people were gone for the day so they couldn't look at it until tomorrow.  What to do?

We looked for somewhere closer, even if not Hyundai, the first place we called only worked on trucks.  Then from the backseat, Michael's eldest named a place 5 miles away.  We called and asked if he could look at a 2013 Hyundai, he said, "Yes".  We asked if it was safe to drive there.  He said, "Yes."

We slowly did, at this point the car was not normal anymore.  We pulled into a junkyard/repair shop in the middle of the country and the guy came out with his little computer.  It took a while to figure out what was wrong, but it seemed to be the third cylinder - major engine repair.  He said he could tow us to Duluth for $225 dollars and maybe we could get a loaner vehicle while they repaired ours.  We deliberated for quite a while but there were too many variables.  How much would this cost?  We'd need a vehicle that could carry canoes and all our gear.  How much would that cost?  Where would stay tonight?  How would we get there?  Where would we put our stuff?  Our entry permit was for the next day and if we missed our entry date we couldn't go in anyway.

"How much would it cost to tow us home?" we asked.

"$525."

"Can all five of us fit in the tow truck?"

"It will be tight?" he replied.

"Are there seatbelts?" I asked.

"Tow trucks are exempt," he stated.

Then, maybe because of my looks/hesitation, he offered to start up a beater he had there that we could drive back and then he'd tow back again.

So nine hours after we left on our adventure we were home and exhausted.  The car at the repair shop and our gear back in the basement.  The one positive thing that we are crossing our fingers upon is that Michael found the warranty in his glove compartment that he thought had expired, had in fact not.  So I am anxiously awaiting to hear if whatever is wrong with the vehicle is something that is covered by the warranty.  They had the vehicle all day yesterday, but must have been busy because we did not hear anything from them.

So this doesn't really qualify as a gratitude blog, but this is my day to post and I really needed to spend some time processing all this.  Writing helps me with that.

Michael jumped right into unpacking to prevent depression, but I find unpacking depressing itself, undoing all the time and effort and intention we had so carefully laid.  Yesterday I didn't do a whole lot.  I called a few friends for support and I went to bed early.  Today, I started cleaning the bathroom and realized I needed to write.

 ****

"When one door closes another always opens, but we usually look so long, so intently and so sorrowfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one that has opened."  Johann P.F. Richter

 ****

Update- one hour after I posted this I received an email subject line, "Engine is blown."  Luckily the message proceeded to say, "Good news.  It will be covered by Hyundai.  It will be 3 - 8 weeks to get it done but they will put us in a loaner till it's done."

Beauty and Disappointment

#1 - Someone I love, and live with, did not get the job I mentioned last week.  However luckily he was with other people today at networking and this evening had some free one on one coaching that helped shift his energy from feeling sorry for himself to connection.

#2 - My teeth have gotten so stained recently - I think from tea and blueberries, especially blueberries.  They are healthy, but looked pretty awful.  I went to the dentist today and now I have a new mouth, and a wonder if I can restrain myself from blueberries.

#3 - I biked over to my dad's last night, and then to my brother's today.  Two good long bike rides in a row on beautiful days.  The ride to my brother's I hadn't done in a few years and I picked a new route for part of it, which went downhill in the end.

#4 - My niece showing me all the school supplies she got in Japan, some I couldn't guess what they were - like the scissors in disguise.  And there were a LOT of erasers in "cute" shapes and images.

#5 - Laying next to my niece (tired from the bike rides) and looking at a book of two almost identical pictures quietly, while trying to figure out what things were different in both images.

Massive Powers of Organization

 #1 - Someone I love, and live with, found out he has his third interview at a job he is really interested in tomorrow.  His second interview was just yesterday.  I'm glad they scheduled him so fast so he doesn't have a lot of time to be nervous about it.

We both are a bit wary about getting hopes up and excited.  It is so disappointing when he isn't chosen.  It is really a challenge in life to be fully invested yet unattached to the results.  #2 - That said, we are both enthusiastic about what the company does as well as the commute. 

#3 - After college I spent a couple years as a full-time volunteer (well that is what they called us, but we got a stipend which when pooled together with 4 other volunteers covered food, rent etc.)  My second year was the most loving living experience I'd had up to that point in my life.  I felt so safe and cared for in that home that I shared with Peter, Paul, Matt and Emily.

The five of us haven't all been in the same place for at least 12 years, and in that case it was one of our weddings, so we didn't get to all really hang out together. I have just received confirmation that the one who lives the furthest away has bought plane tickets and will be coming.

#4 - When she asked earlier this year if the rest of us were getting together this fall (as we have a couple times since 4 of us live in the same state).  I said, "If someone organizes it," which really meant, "if I organize it."  So it was nice that Emily wrote in her email, "Tammy has used her massive powers of organization..." and then also followed that with doing some organizing herself.

#5 - My partner's youngest goes to summer camp next week and was telling me about it (she has gone previously).  She said, "Do you want to know how they decide which cabin goes in the dining hall first?"

"Whoever is all there first?"

"Nope, each cabin of girls picks a song that everyone in the cabin knows and whichever cabin sings the loudest eats first."

"Really?"

"Yep."

"How do they decide which cabins of boys goes in first?"

"Whichever cabin is the most quiet."

"Are you serious?"

"Yes."

"That is awesome."






P.S.  I listened to this yesterday, but I'll share it because this interview nourished me immensely - Elizabeth just keeps going.

Everyone You Meet

I almost don't want to write anything after listening to that.  It brings such heartbreaking beauty and peace.

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It seems the only reason we have to email our landlord is if there is a problem.  So I made an effort today to email them that after the recent heavy rains the basement didn't leak like it used to, and that it was a nice space for my cousins to sleep when they visited last weekend, unlike previous summers when it would have been too musty.  She replied,

"YAY YAY YAY!! I'm so happy to hear this and know that all the work paid off! Thank you for the feedback!"

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Last week we had a bit of a downer that my partner was no longer being considered for a job that he interviewed for.  Later we learned it was actually that the government contract was taking too long to come thru so they were taking down the position for the time being.  Today we learned he received an email asking for a phone interview from a different company but it had been put into a folder where he didn't see it.  He could have used that pick me up last week, but that's fine, today works too and he'll have the phone interview tomorrow.

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My partner's daughter is playing my friend's daughter in la crosse tonight, so I'll get to watch from the sidelines and talk to my friend whom I haven't seen for over a year.

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 I made a comment about the kids' chores today.  It wasn't a big deal to me, an observation, but I can see how it might have appeared to be a criticism.  Be gentle, be gentle I am reminded, especially to those you love. Which also reminded of this quote that I tried to find the source for, but it is not easily attributed.

"Be Kind for Everyone You Meet is Fighting a Hard Battle"

Downpour

#1 - My partner, Michael, came into the room today and asked me if I could pick up his daughters.  He was not looking at me and started doing some other task after the question so when I responded, "What time?" he was too absorbed to answer.

Once we figured it out I said, "Did you notice how quickly I said, "yes"?"  Because his perception is I often quickly respond "no" about things.

"It wasn't that quick," was his response.

A few minutes later I went to find him in the other room and said, "I am feeling defensive.  You said I didn't respond quickly, but you hadn't even told me what time they needed to be picked up."

He got up, gave me his full attention, apologized and gave me a big hug.  He said I was right, he wasn't being respectful when he made the original request.

#2 - The oldest is learning to ride the city bus by herself and has plans to practice the route they will take to school with a friend on Wednesday.

#3 - I listened to an Elizabeth Gilbert interview today.  During the questions at the end a woman told Gilbert she didn't want to have children, but felt pressure and worried that when she got old she'd regret it.  Gilbert had an awesome response with a list of positive statistics about women never having kids.  She then concluded that there is no statistic correlation between being elderly, with or without kids, and happiness.  She said what was correlated to happiness in the elderly was health and financial security.  So she said, "Brush your teeth, wear a seatbelt, save your money and you'll be fine."

#4 - Michael was going to bring something out to the garage, he came back in and said, "Never mind, it's raining cats and dogs out there."  His daughters wanted to see the rain.  First they stood on the stoop underneath a roof.  Then they ventured out into the downpour and walked back and forth down the sidewalk, playing in the puddles.  And not just briefly.  I'd say they've been out there for at least 20 minutes.

#5 - Our evening plans were cancelled for the rain.  I asked the girls if they wanted to play Catan (board game) instead.  They both enthusiastically said yes, but it seems mother nature has taken their attention instead.

Las Cosas Grandes

#1 - I went to the free 6:30 AM yoga a couple miles from me.  Afterward I decided to lay in a long shivasana, then I sat up and did a short meditation, then I laid down and for another long shivasana.  I'd guess for close to an hour I just sat or laid on the grass because I didn't get home until close to 9AM.

#2 - Michael's eldest rode her bike with me to check out the nearby farmer's market.  It was super cute and I'm excited to incorporate that more into my weekly routine.  I bought zucchini for a zucchini pasta, mixed greens and some super yummi blueberries.

#3 - Later both of Michael's children rode their bikes to the beach by themselves for the first time.  He was excited and also a bit protective/nervous with lots of advice as they were setting off.  They did completely fine and enjoyed themselves.

#4 - During our break-up a couple years back I read a book by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt called Making Marriage Simple.  One of their "truths" is that "Negativity is Invisible Abuse."  Their suggestion to end negativity is to take a calendar, and for a month, end each day with a smiley face or a frown.  The day gets a frown if either partner felt there was negativity that day.  Negativity is critical thinking, competition, constructive criticism...Also you end each day by stating three gratitudes (no repeats) about each other.  I suggested we try this for July last weekend.  Michael seemed hesitant at first but ultimately agreed.  Today he thanked me for this and said he is about to start a new journal and is glad to start it with this grateful energy.  It is a journal I bought him in Spain and that he didn't use last time he began a journal, around the new year, because he was frustrated with me.  The journal's cover states

Las Cosas

Grandes

Empiezan

Siendo

Pequenas

"Big things begin feeling small" (stated more poetically).

#5 - That kind of reminds me of the U.S. women's soccer team request for equal pay.  I'm a lot more interested in that than how well they are doing (or did) in the World Cup.  I wonder if this could be a small thing that changes the world of women and sports, or women's equity in general?

Nothing Belongs to Me

#1 - I submitted a piece of writing to my favorite magazine.  It would never have occurred to me in this instance, but the woman who led the group where I wrote about the cat situation a couple weeks ago suggested it.

#2 - My partner said he almost collapsed when he got the call yesterday that a job he was excited about, and a finalist for, went to the internal candidate.  They assured him it wasn't anything missing in his abilities or qualifications, but it is still hard news.  A bit after he told me I felt like throwing up.  I started to feel that way again upon waking today, but at least we both slept well last night.  #3 - He is going to a birthday party this afternoon which should be good medicine, to be around friends/support.  #4 - It is also helpful to just do something, in my case today cleaning the bathrooms and washing the kitchen floor. 

#5 - When I opened my email there was  message from the librarian that leads a monthly poetry group.  His writing is like Rumi and he often sends us new poems along with the meeting  reminder.  Today's poem was perfect medicine.  I'll ask him permission to reprint it, for now I'll just share the beginning.

NOTHING BELONGS TO ME

 

I am filled
with gratitude
for nothing belongs 
to me –
that is how
I know I am
free....

Guthema Roba 

or maybe then again, 

that is enough 

in itself.

It's All Downhill

There is a book called Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Sue Johnson.  I started reading it a year or so ago, but soon stopped, it was too good.  I wanted to mark too many pages.  I had too much I wanted to go back to, discuss, share.  I wanted to read it together.

I listened to an interview with the author.  She says that when one partner vies for connection and doesn't receive it, this can lead into a negative pattern.  This is definitely true in my relationship.  When there is disconnection everything is amplified and simple statements can be taken as weapons.

My partner and I disconnected on Wed. eve.  Since that connection has not yet been re-established we tread on rocky ground.  When I accidently shattered a glass bowl on the kitchen floor this morning, it seemed fitting.  Something sharp needs cleaning up.

Before moving in together, we agreed, we wouldn't go multiple days without reconnecting.  It is fine to be upset and need some space, but we wouldn't let this drag on.

Maybe we should have been more specific on that timeline?  I don't know.  It's all a journey.  One I am grateful to be on, even when it's a bumpy one.

I did at least start my day on a positive note.  There is free outdoor morning yoga at a park a couple miles from me every day during the summer.  Today was the first day I checked it out.  I'd love to add that to my schedule once a week.  I'm happy to have had someone to bike with and even decide for us to take the slightly long way home. 

I also found a restaurant that has vegetarian options in the small town I will be at soon for my cousin's wedding.

Writing to the Rescue

On Tuesday my partner's cat had a compete urinary obstruction which required an expensive intervention or immanent death.  I agonized in one vet's office and then the second for 6 hours total trying to decide what to do.  I had minimal communication with my partner via satellite text which he brings for emergencies as he was on his annual solo wilderness camping trip.

There sat I, who never wanted the cat in the first place, deciding to either spend a substantial chunk of my laid off partner's money, or kill the cat.

Luckily in the end my partner made the decision.

The cat is doing better, however both the financial concerns, and concerns that this will happen again remain.

That is the backdrop.

The gratitude was I was able to spend two hours this afternoon writing about it with 5 other women who were also deeply processing challenges in their own lives.  And that though some of those challenges felt a great deal more immense than my own, they still empathized and audibly responded to my words.  I left feeling lighter and so happy I was both able and took the opportunity to do this.  As I left the leader, who I have written with on and off for years, said something to me like, "I'm so happy that you and Michael worked out."

I had seen this situation as another potential deep difference between the two of us.  She saw us together working thru life.

I guess both would be true.

And that cat just jumped upon my lap, and I encouraged it, because somebody had to take care of him this week and it was me. And though I have not changed my opinion on expenditures and pets, I do feel a bit more empathetic.

Music as my Soundtrack

The landlord hired someone to do some work on the basement because of the water issues and I am staying at my father's for a few days. I left my guitar here when I moved because I knew this might be coming up soon and it would give me something to do. I haven't been playing the guitar at all, in fact I thought I wrote one song last year, but I looked today and the last one was Nov 2017. I played that song today. It is sad and dark. I didn't realize or remember how sad and dark it was, sometimes it is easier to see things from the outside.

The guitar playing started last night when I got on a rampage of playing along with Trevor Hall. The more I listen to his music the more I fall in love with it, especially the lyrics. Karma is one I've been playing on repeat.



When we saw him in concert earlier this year I really enjoyed his guitarist who opened for him, but I couldn't remember his name to look for his music online. I finally found it today - Will Evans. The song I most enjoyed of his today was



and THEN  five years ago my friend sent me a bunch of women doing a song a week songwriting challenge. I was in awe of this, since at my peak I was writing a song every month or two. Not many of the women completed the year long challenge, but I discovered a couple musicians I loved during the process, one of which is Tracy Grammer. I've wanted to see her live ever since. She finally came to town in December but it was right before Christmas and I wasn't here. Today I discovered she is coming to the super sweet small venue very near me in September!

And all this good music filling my heart and soul inspired me to write something I'll call a poem.

There is a richness inside of our soul

A wealth that when we find it we feel a glimpse of whole

That piece feeds limbs, feeds heart, feeds minds, feeds brains

Let it in, let it in, let it be

The place that you return to

When the music fills you

And the smells soothe you

And your eyes are quiet

Your eyes are quiet

Your eyes quiet

Enough

To see

What is there

And that sign

Is enough

That sky

That leaf

That roofline

That crack in the window

That lets in the air

Which fills your lungs

enables your body

To move

To be

To rest

And the paddle pushes

Stroke, stroke, stroke

Deeper

Towards the places

We all run from
We all run to
and from

Gallery A

#1 - We have an extra couch in the living room right now - because we had to clear out part of the basement for some water issues. The couches don't match, but I love the cozy space it creates. My favorite living rooms are small and cozy. I'd like to figure out a way to more permanently incorporate that, without it looking crowded.

#2 - My partner had a crabby day, I had a pleasant day that ended crabby, both of his children were in good moods and did a great deal to lift our spirits. Kids can definitely be added stressors in life, but they can also be immense gifts.

#3 - The youngest had a Gallery A exhibit at school, an art show were every student displays two of their best pieces. It was vibrant and more captivating than most of my art museums visits.

#4 - I made a mango avocado pasta that is super easy and a hit with the kids and I. My partner tried it for the first time and said it was delicious as well.

#5 - The oldest child asked to go to the thrift store last week. I went with and found a few cute things for myself. One I wanted to wear today to the Gallery A event, so I did a quick load of laundry this AM so that I could.

Biking to Watch La Crosse

One More Hike

#1 - "Thank you store," my almost 4 year old nephew said as he waved good-by.  It was after the first restaurant experience I have had with him where no one had to leave the restaurant early and go outside.  He sat in his chair entertaining himself with the ice cubes in his glass, making faces at his daddy etc and we were able to eat an entire meal.

#2 - We pulled into the driveway after our camping trip, as the last chapter of The Phantom Tollbooth was being played on the audiobook.  My niece sat in the car until she heard the last word.

#3 - After the other kids/families left that we were camping with.  My niece and I rolled the Story Cube game and told stories together using the 9 pictures that we rolled on the dice.  It is a difficult muscle to stretch, but a good one.

#4 - The kids wanted to take one last hike before getting in the car (or at least thought that would be an excuse to delay getting in the car).  It worked.

#5 - My niece didn't whine with me the whole weekend, however as soon as we were near her parents the whining started.  It made me think how we often save the worst of ourselves for the people we love the most.  I am as guilty as that as anyone.  When I got home this evening I was tired and didn't have much to offer my partner either besides tiredness.  He said they could have used my logistical expertise today.

Food and Kids

#1 - I asked my partner's ten year old to come downstairs with me.  She willingly spent an hour going thru old toys and books and picking out 4 grocery bags worth of stuff she no longer wants. 

#2 - We then let her older sister look thru it to make sure everything was ok to get rid of.  She only took out 5 books.  The rest is now at the thrift store, freeing up a big plastic bin in the basement.

#3 -  At dinnertime I asked for volunteer assistants, the 10 year old wasn't interested but her sister willingly helped which allowed us to add pumpkin scones along with a new pasta recipe.

#4 - The pasta was made with mango, avocado, lime juice, red onion, basil and roasted cashews.  It was quite yummi.

#5 - While meal planning - my niece wanted a jam and bread sandwich for our camping trip next weekend.  I said, "No."  We looked for a better option and she suggested a hard-boiled egg.  I will definitely bring some of those.  I was going to suggest cheese and crackers, but I guess she is picky about crackers.  Then my partner suggested a tortilla and cheese stick.  Perfect!  She loves tortillas and cheese sticks.  That will work.

She Persisted

He said it was like boiling a frog, if you turn up the heat slowly it won't jump out. Not the most positive analogy, but I get what he's saying. I've been moving so slowly that last night it caught him by surprise when  I said that tomorrow I should more or less be done. Suddenly he it has come upon him quickly, suddenly he's cooked.

In many ways it has been slow. We met in 2015.  I remember feeling in 2016 that the upcoming winter, would possibly be the last I spent where I was living, I didn't see myself staying there much longer.

It's been a long road between here and there. We are well beyond the honeymoon phase. Is that how it works for people who date for years before they move in or get married? We've had some pretty big ruts on the road. And soon after I tentatively gave a move in date months ago (for April), my partner was laid off. Yet more bumps along the way.

So it's still bumpy and unsure, and is this the road for us, or are we getting thru the hard stuff first?

Today things felt lighter, there were a bunch of synchronicities this week with a job. It was one a recruiter contacted my partner about. He applied yesterday and today she contacted him to schedule a phone interview for next week. He is really interested in the job and feels positive about it. I'm grateful for the opportunity and his enthusiasm.  It doesn't have real good bussing options which is something I was really hoping for to give us transportation flexibility. Though when they expand one of the rapid bus lines near us that may be better. I'm surprised it is such a big corporation that there aren't express buses headed there like they were to his last job.

One of the sychronisticies is that the CEO (she is one of the 5% of female CEO's in Fortune 500 companies) is talking in a forum on public radio on Monday. The tickets are free so we are going to check it out. I wasn't very excited about it at first, I'm not a fan of big corporations, but who knows, maybe this is a chance for me to open my mind/heart. It is pretty remarkable that my partner just heard on the radio yesterday morning that this forum is happening next week. It will be the day before his phone interview, so a great opportunity for him to get a sense of who is heading the company.

A couple other synchronisiticies - my journal always just happens to end at shifting points. I looked at it a couple weeks back and thought it still had quite a bit of space, probably wouldn't be done before I moved. But I have less than a page left.

Also I try to get my haircut at shifting points too. For example, right before I met my partner (2-3 weeks), I decided to get a big haircut and donate my hair (8 or so inches).  I had no idea consciously that I was at a turning point then, but something in me clearly knew.

The last haircut I had was last June in Spain.   So I've known I could use one for a while.  I impulsively found a beauty school near where I'd be today and had it cut this afternoon.  And when I was driving back with my last load of stuff (minus a few things like my bike), I ended up behind car with my favorite bumper sticker, one I hadn't seen or thought of in many years

Remember Who You Wanted to Be

It had a number of others too and one that drew me was

She Persisted

That certainly has been true in my relationship, but even more so thinking back on all these years I've been living with my father.  Years that began with me finishing a decade of traveling and moving around and exploring and then landing at home, uncertain what to do with myself.  Uncertain for a long time - going thru the motions of life (part of what inspired this blog).  Sometimes, for a long time, feeling stuck there.  Yet now all I see is goodness, goodness and gifts.  Ushering my mom thru death, ushering my niece into life, time for spaces and silence and creativity and not knowing.  Precious precious time.

She persisted.

Today I persisted with a quick stop at the library to pick up the Phantom Tollbooth audio.  Despite all my planning, looked like it wasn't going to come in at the right time for my camping trip with my niece in a couple weeks.  It is SO delightful and I'm so excited to share it with her.  I wanted to have both the audio and the book so we can listen to the audio on the drive and read more before bed in the tent.  It didn't look like the audio was going to come in on time (waiting list), and I know just reading before bed wouldn't take us far enough to make starting the book worth it.  This is one major drawback of not being in a child's life on scheduled/frequent basis, it is challenging to read a book together, one of my favorite things.  

Somebody's Back

#1 I almost cancelled our couples counseling session tonight. I love snow, but I do not love traveling on icy/snowy roads. However, last month I rescheduled our appointment because of a snowstorm and Michael really wanted to keep our appointment today. Luckily I listened to him, because it ended up being fine getting there on the bus. The roads were pretty empty from people staying home in the storm.

#2 - I was super grateful I wore a raincoat over my winter coat, because there was some pelting sleet that would have been painful if I did not have a hood to pull up around my face.

#3 - At the end of our session I told our counselor, "We haven't been here for a couple months and we're doing fine!"

"Your energy is different, it's smooth."

"I'm glad you noticed that," Michael said.

"I definitely noticed," she replied.

#4 - Additionally, someone else I care for in my life saw a new counselor for the second time this week. This counselor is trying some new things - including EMDR - and we are both hopeful she has some new skills to offer.

#5 - Since Dec 2010 - I've done a work exchange at my local yoga studio. Almost ten years! Tomorrow I will clean the studio for the last time. I emailed last week to ask if my free yoga would be ending this weekend or if there was a grace period. They said I could come til the end of the month.






P.S. The "Somebody" that is back is winter.

Library Monthly Poetry Group

#1 - Lynn read Rilke's "Sometimes a Man Stand Up During Supper" at poetry group tonight and at the end said she didn't get it. The passion that came thru me as I responded to this still has me in awe an hour later. After my response she said, "Well, I guess I need to read that again," and she did. Sometimes things unexpectedly wake up your soul - which is precisely what I see Rainer Maria Rilke's poem being about.

#2 - I shared "No Thank You" by Tony Hoagland. The energy I put into reading it, fed by the energy of the small group listening, made it come even more alive and now has me requesting more books by him.

#3 - There is a girl in the group that waved at me when I walked in. I didn't recognize her. Then I realized who she was, a child that used to come with her mother, who would sometimes share poems she had written. I imagine it had been a year or so since she'd attended and she'd grown up so much! Her smile and enthusiasm were still there. And when the woman next to me read Mary Oliver's "Mockingbird" she exclaimed in delight.

#4 - I walked the 4 miles to poetry today with the plan to leave a little early to bus home. Otherwise the next bus is 40 minutes after poetry ends. However once I got into the group I was so enjoying myself I started thinking maybe I'd stay, but then I decided right before I left, "Yes I'm enjoying myself so much that I am full. I don't need more." And I left and I'm grateful so that I can be home with a little time before bed. And even get to see a beautiful sunset.

#5 - I brought home Paulo Coelho's newest book Hippie. He is the only writer I have an author alert set for at the library. I read all of Coelho's books and always look forward to discovering where he will take me on the next chapter of his journey.

Grown Up Things

Apparently I should have known this as an adult, but I didn't, that if I move in with my partner it will probably require a new lease, and it is likely this will raise the rent. Somehow I just thought I could mosey in and as long as he was on the lease everything would be fine. But if the rent is raised, I won't end up helping my partner at all (at least financially). And that is the last thing we need right now.

Where is the gratitude here? Well, at least I'm glad to have learned this BEFORE I moved in. Obviously we need to check in with the landlord. This must be in the book I failed to read - Things You Should Know as an Adult.

We also have a list of things we would like the landlord to address - some long term issues. She responded to most of them in an email so I am feeling hopeful, though my partner is a bit more skeptical as they have been attempted to be fixed before and were unsuccessful. He and I discussed our response tonight and are going to try and call and talk to her about them, email sometimes is a poor communication tool.

My partner has been looking for work and today a contracting company emailed him with a possible opportunity that might be good for him, in a nearby location thru the end of the year, possibly longer.

I made a big vegetarian lasagna last night - too big for myself - so I brought it over for my partner and his girls and I to share while we discussed all the above. We also had a good discussion at dinner about counselors and how you find a good one (some luck/some research).