Short and Simple

I didn't sleep well and my partner and I did not start the day on a good note.  However with time things have settled and I am looking forward to doing something this evening that I have wanted to try for years - a partner yoga class!    This one is specifically "partner yoga and healing touch."  It is also within walking distance of my partner's place which is an added bonus.

This afternoon I submitted a job application to something that actually really interests me (I don't see that often).  Anyway, I did my part and will let it go for now.  I ask the universe to both support and make use of me. 

After that I did some research for our trips to my partner's family over the holidays and found an awesome looking juice bar, sandwich/salad place 3 miles from his father's.  If I have the time and energy to walk there it would both exceed my exercise needs and fill me up with some nourishing food.  I love happycow.net.

The Best Ideas Come from Aimlessness

#1 - The only Christmas shopping I do these days is for a few children in my life.  I often try to give experiences more than things.  One idea I had this year which includes both an experience and things for my partner's children looks like it will finally work out.  I'm mostly glad because that means I don't need to think up another option.

#2 - Someone I love dearly who does not enjoy working on his resume, sent his off today to the agency that his former employer has helping him in his job search.  They will review it for him and send back comments.

#3 - I don't usually go to a mid-morning yoga class, but my exercise plan yesterday didn't work.  I felt a peace afterwards that I thought I'd grown kind of immune to from yoga.  The class was more challenging than I expected and the quiet carried into  into the drug store where I did errands after and into my afternoon.

#4 -   Alberto Rios - the new poet I discovered at poetry group last night and which writing this reminded me to look up today.

#5 - I heard this yesterday, but it's what I've been thinking and I want to share it.  Creativity is so so precious to me - just the space around us from which it emerges - everything comes from space



I just looked for a quote about Einstein whom I know said his ideas came from times of aimlessness - or something of the sort.  And I found this great article

Albert Einstein’s best ideas came when he was aimless. Yours can too

"...As Olivia Goldhill explains in Quartz, “psychologists recommend that children be bored in the summer.” The idea behind allowing for boredom isn’t to torture kids, of course. It’s to give young minds the time and space (ahem) to amble, discover, create, and find their own genius."

https://qz.com/1299282/albert-einsteins-best-ideas-came-while-he-was-relaxing-aimlessly-yours-can-too/

Unexpected Connections

My partner bought plane tickets for Christmas back in July, before we decided if I would be joining him.  Now I am joining him, but not on the same flights.  Today his dad asked for his flight info and my partner realized that both of his flights had changed. 

Now instead of him needing to be at the airport a couple hours before me on the flight back, it would be closer to 5 hours.  When he called to tell me this he seemed a bit flustered, I just shrugged, there is nothing we can do about it.  I already knew I'd have plenty of idle time that day.

And I think the acceptance that I felt was key to what came next.  He said we could make sure to get the rental car in my name too so I could drop him off.  So I looked at a map and yes there is a park nearby.  At least I could go there for a walk outside for an hour or two before returning to the airport.

Then I thought of a friend who also lives in Texas, not the same city, but what city do her parents live in?  Could it be the same one as we are flying out of?  If so maybe she'll be visiting them for the holidays?

I sent her an email to inquire.  Then I looked at the map and saw that the airport is on the NE side of San Antonio and she lives in Austin, which is an hour or so away.  I wonder if there is any chance she could meet me halfway for breakfast?  I almost emailed her again, but decided to wait and see what she said about where her parents lived.

Her parents live in Dallas, further away, but she also said, "We’re staying home this year but if you had extra time and wanted to meet half way between Austin and San Antonio, I’d love to see you!!!"

I'm not sure if it's going to work out, but if it does, what a gift.  I haven't seen her for a long time - over 15 years.

Additionally, on the flight to Texas we are on the same airline and he was able to change it without charge, so that now we are on the same flight.  Not only does this make it more enjoyable to be at the same gate etc. but now if there is any delay, we will be delayed together, which makes getting from the airport to our destination much simpler.

This trip has the potential be either immensely healing or hurtful.  It is the same trip we planned two years ago, and then unexpectedly broke up.  That holiday was absolutely awful, and the pain reappears at times.  I just printed out an activity I saved in my email from back then to do at the airport with him and his girls.

Deep breath, trust, faith, vulnerability
trying again...

Spices, Acts of Kindness and Presence

#1 - The way the owner where I do yoga gave her full presence and attention today to someone that I love.  She inquired without being nosy, supported without being overbearing.

#2 - My cousin is organizing my mess of spices.  I'm used to the chaos, but I appreciate her desire to create order.

#3 - I quickly grabbed a heart shape piece of paper and wrote a quote on it to put in someone's shoe at yoga.  My writing and meditation class has the assignment to do one small anonymous act of kindness each day for a month.  So far I've put a grocery cart back at the store, picked up some weights left out in my fitness class and then did this.  A month seems like a lot, but at least I've done three days.

#4 - To have tofu stuffin muffins, squash and broccoli leftovers from yesterday ready to go as I am hungry and ready to eat dinner.

#5 - A work phone call ended up going late, he wasn't ready at the designated time and then we talked longer then usual, but I still made it to my barre class with 2 minutes to spare.

What Kind of Life

#1 - I started work (from home) a bit early so, when I was a little bummed that I didn't have any cornbread to eat with my leftover chili, I decided I had time to whip up a quick batch.

#2 -  My life has been pretty quiet the last few weekends so I've been on top of meal planning/prep.  Tonight I started chopping for tomorrow's dinner and I still have two types of leftover meals from the weekend (chili and vegetable mole oaxaca).

#3 - Sometime around each New Year I do a reflection ritual with a couple friends.  This year I have a bit more of an extravagant plan that would include and overnight at a camper cabin.  I reserved the cabin last January because it fills up a year in advance.  I mentioned it to one of the friends back then, but today I finally emailed them both the plan to see if they are interested.   If they aren't I have back-up plans for the cabin.

#4 -  I looked up a concert that I'm interested in December and there were still plenty of tickets left, so no hurry. 

 #5-
"My definition of greatness is

 deciding what kind of life

 I want to lead

and then creating it

unapologetically

even if it means

making different choices than other people."

Ramit Sethi

Deserving a Smile

Early this afternoon my partner and I were a both a little irritable (or maybe in my case tired).  He went upstairs to work on something and I did some meal prep in the kitchen.  After a few hours doing our own thing I went upstairs and hugged him and smiled and he responded, "What did I do to deserve that smile?"

"You don't have to do anything," I said.

Sometimes we just need a little space.  I've spoken to him about my concern about having my own space when we live together, because I've always been a person that really needs alone time.  Today he felt the same.  "Does it help you to know that I need my own space sometimes too?" he asked.

"Yep!" I said.

During my time in the kitchen I got a soup made for dinner Tuesday for the 4 of us. His girls tasted it the last time I made it, so it has been pre-approved.  I also did half of the prep for a Hungarian Nut Loaf recipe, which will be a new one to try, so tomorrow's dinner is more than half done.

**********

I was happy to receive an email from my cousin looking into flights to go abroad (I assume through school but I'm not certain).  This has been a dream of hers for a long time and I'm thrilled to hear she's pursuing it.

****

I'll end with a link to a very helpful blog post for people (in MN) to vote on Tuesday

https://www.calbone.com/voting-in-mn/

Frederick Douglass

I am grateful to have a quiet weekend at home.  My cousin is visiting and she wanted to go to yoga so I got an early start which led to a productive morning of laundry, washing the dining and bathroom floors, writing a grocery list, making a tofu scramble etc.

During lunch I started reading Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass, an American Slave.  I read an excerpt in The Sun magazine recently and it was easy to connect with and captivating.  I requested it from the library and the narrative voice is truly compelling.  I've learned that Maryland and Baltimore were slave states (I would have guessed that was the North), that slaves pretty much always said their masters treated them well when asked, (because if they didn't it would get back to the master and they'd be punished) and that the worst of a masters reputation was to not feed a slave sufficiently (though it still happened).

Douglass also portrays how his new masters wife was the first white woman he met with a kind face.  She began to teach him his letters.  Soon enough her husband put a stop to that, and with time, being a slaveholder turned her kindness sour.  She had not been a slaveholder when Douglas came into their household.

Douglas continued his thirst to learn to read however, and would give bread to the poor white boys in his neighborhood for a reading lesson.

It seems that often when I try to read old literature, it takes a while to connect.  However, this book written in 1845 the connection was instantaneous and effortless.

Stand In the Spot that Fits

#1 - I typed up most of the relationship agreement that my partner and I have been answering questions to from a book we are working through.  I added how we'll handle each of the 4 horsemen (criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling).  We still need to add our dealing with potential break-up strategy.

#2 - I started the first step in a job search (or my idea of one) of reflecting on past jobs, why I took them, what I learned from them, and seeds planted during those times in my life.

#3 - I spent time outside on a gorgeous fall day - raking leaves, walking to pick up the car, washing and vacuuming the car with 10 year old enthusiastic assistance.

#4 -  My partner, his kids and I did my across the room game.  I had a list of statements from - "I like to go to bed early" to "I enjoy winter" to "My life often feels stressful".  If we agreed with the statement we'd stand on one side of the room, if we disagreed, we'd stand at the other.  And shades of agreement had each of us standing somewhere in the middle.  We not only all participated but I was surprised to find everyone enjoyed it.

#5 - I actually created the activity to find out some things that if we just flat out asked the kids, would be unlikely that they'd answer honestly.  However I really enjoyed seeing the response to such things as  - "I enjoy cooking" (all three of them were at the wall for a yes, while I was in the middle of the room).  "I enjoy swimming" had one child leave the room and head to the other end of the house (she loves to swim).   "I feel safe at school," or "There are things that are hard for me to talk about with my parents," brought the important information I was initially looking for, and hopefully can be a stepping stone to talk more about those topics in the future.

George Crosby Manitou State Park

I started the day listening to a recent talk given by the Dalai Lama. Luckily I could think back on this when Saudi Arabia was in the news and I started to become infuriated by the United States alliance with and support of a country with such horrific human rights.  I remembered how he'd answer a question with, "That situation is very serious," and then two minutes later be laughing and jolly again.  He reminded me of a floating bobber, you can push it down, but it will just pop back up.

***

I did end up going camping last weekend, right now in fact I am drinking the last of the water that we filtered out of the river and remained in my water bottle.  After we returned I sent a few photos to a few friends, including my best friend from high school who I met with when she was in town recently.  We hadn't seen each other in a few years, though we'd had a couple long phone conversations, including one on my birthday a year and half ago during my temporary break-up with my partner.  Because I so rarely talk to her and we had such a good/long conversation, she really was an angel to me that day.

After I sent the photos she replied, "The pictures are wonderful!  Thanks for sharing!  It is always nice to put a face with a name.

Your camping adventure sounded very rewarding.  I have no desire to camp in the cold weather.  But, it looked liked you were prepared - mentally as well as physically!"  

 

And it's true, we were prepared.  I thanked my community ed fitness teacher for all the squats she has us do.  And Mr. Winter (as my former manager calls him) set up tarps over our food prep area and the space where we kept our stuff.   This photo below was taken during some of the brief sun that weekend, it was mostly cloudy or drizzly.  So if I needed to add a sweater, I could go under a tarp and take off my raincoat without getting all wet.  And my sleeping bag was for -15F so cozy and warm.

  I was truly surprised to be so comfortable with a high of 48 (9 C) and a low of 35 (1-2C).   It certainly helped that there was zero wind and the rain, though off and on, was always light.

When we left Mr. Winter said he had a feeling he didn't quite have the words for.  This morning the words came to him and I have his permission to include them here.

Subject: I think I figured it out

Good morning Babe,

Remember, I think it was while we were packing the car after our hike out when I told you how there was a feeling about the weekend that I didn't quite have the words for?  Well, on the walk into work this morning it came to me. First the backstory, remember two or three or so weeks ago I rhetorically asked why we seemed to "be" in different places so often? This morning I identified the feeling I couldn't identify as the two of us being in the same place at the same time. The whole weekend I felt that you were there because you wanted to be, not because of me. I wanted to be there with you and you wanted to be there with me... we were in the same place at the same time. It was an amazingly beautiful weekend that meant so very much to me. Being there with you like that was a dream come true. I'm no longer an outdoor lover who's girlfriend is at home or where ever. Please don't take this as an expectation that you'll be going to the edge of winter/wilderness camping with me. I will do my very best to help plan safe and slightly challenging trips with you. I'm just enjoying allowing the memory of this weekend fill my being with gratitude and love.

Your Failures

#1 - The warm weather today, even though it will not last beyond today, still helps it make sense that I am going hike in camping this weekend. It should be perfect timing for fall colors and if I can turn the cold into an adventure, I might have a great time.

#2 - I helped a family member make a phone call today about a financial situation and the results were better than either of us expected.

#3 - An email exchange that started getting confusing I asked if we could switch to phone later. The response, "I'm sorry. I don't mean to cause any confusion or stress...I'll stop the emails 'till we can talk." Which was a relief. Sometimes email makes things simpler, sometimes it doesn't.

#4 - While picking raspberries from the garden I started thinking,

"Thank you berries, thank you rain, thank you..." and then I started thinking, "Hey spontaneous gratitude, I can use that as a gratitude today."

#5

 YOUR FAILURES

I know

you’ve expressed

deep gratitude

for your success and

all the good things

that have happened for you.

Have you been also

grateful for your failures

dear friend?

It is your failures

that have opened you

and made you softer.

Your failures have

turned you into

a beautiful love

Statement,

the deepest meaning

Hidden inside a poem.

Guthema Roba

Whirlpools of Pain

I was talking with someone today who was really upset and wondering about how to continue feeling this way.  As I waited for the computer to turn on to write this I grabbed the guitar and thought, "I wished they played the guitar, it can be so meditative and soothing."  And then I remembered that the whole reason I started playing the ukulele, and then the guitar, was feeling crappy and this Rumi poem came to mind,

"Today

 like every other day

we wake up empty and frightened

don't open the door to the study

and begin reading

take down a musical instrument

let the beauty we love

be what we do

there are 100's of ways to kneel 

and kiss the ground."

Rumi

And I thought of the beauty that has been born, over many years from that feeling of emptiness. 

And I thought about how I started writing gratitudes, eight years ago, because I was so fed up with the lack of gratefulness in my life.

So painful feelings can sprout great beauty.

But they can also become whirlpools of pain.  Which way will it go?  When will the current be enough to change things?  When will there be sufficient rain to modify the flow of water?  And what do we do when we see another stuck within?  Most likely a bucket or a hose would not be enough.  Is there another way to disrupt the current?

Sometimes just being able to sit with them at the edge of the water is all one can offer.

Sometimes it's enough.

***

I sat and meditated for 10 minutes today.   A couple days ago I forgot for the first time in three months and I actually really missed it.  It is finally a nourishing practice for me.  Even though my mind goes bonkers, to reduce stimuli and rest in that space.  The clarity that comes with fighting the stillness, but resting in it nonetheless.  Yesterday I did a meditation on a tree (watching fall colors turn once a week - another assignment from my writing and meditation class).  So today was the first time I closed my eyes and sat in a couple days and I really needed it.

I also had a family member send me an email asking for the poem I called her with on the phone a couple weeks ago.  I couldn't recall which poem I shared, but when I asked she told me enough that I could find it to send.

I've been doing some stretches before I get out of bed the last week or so.  It's actually a really nice way to wake up.  I mean it helps to wake me up, but it also offers the luxury of staying in bed a bit longer.

Nahko

"And when the rain comes, 

put your hand in the dirt

 this is where you came from." 

 Nahko

Yesterday I had my writing and meditation group/class so I was officially finished with chose a small thing to do every day for a month, however, I did not make it through my address book so I plan to continue reading a different person a poem each day until I do.

The person that is up today (I'm on the letter "J") is a former manager.  I've never called him since working there, but he does on occasion check up on me through email.  During lunch (without any contact from me) he emailed me to ask me, "how is it going?"   I looked through my email to see when the last time we communicated was.  It was May.

I also opened my email to this message this AM, "Thank you for the poetry reading. What a lovely surprise to find in my voicemail." 

I've been enjoying listening to music today.  Mostly Nahko and Medicine for the People which is a group I was exposed to in a concert on Friday night. Here are two of my favorites right now. 

I also love his term "fully loaded poet" in "It Is Written".  It is fun to envision a poet as a superhero - that is the energy I get in that song.  And I think it's true - poets can set a vision for a future, change the trajectory of a culture - become the next action superhero - that is a move I want to see!

 This was the opening number from the show.

https://genius.com/Nahko-and-medicine-for-the-people-directions-lyrics

Family Tree

This morning I had a soccer game and my niece came along.  She wanted to race me before the game, and then run up and down the bleachers.  It was the best warm up I've had.

Yesterday was my youngest cousin's birthday, a couple days prior his sister emailed me to see if I would come.  My brother and his family said they'd go too if we went Sunday, which actually worked out better.

When we arrived today my uncle asked, "Michael didn't come?"  We really only decided to go Friday evening, Michael has never even met the cousin whose birthday it was, and it wouldn't have worked out with his schedule with his kids, but I still thought it was inclusive of my uncle to assume he might/would.

I was happy to get some quality time talking to my eldest cousin.  I haven't had time with her to talk much in the last year or more and I miss it.  We got to discuss her wedding plans and other things going on in her life.

We also played a family soccer game in the backyard.  Different people kept taking breaks so the teams kept shifting, but my brother and I remained on the field throughout.

I also read my poem a day (one I'd written about Donald Trump) to one of my cousin's boyfriends.

Call on the Wolves

I didn't post this weekend because I was at a music festival.  Here is one of my highlight songs.

https://music.lovedustinthomas.com/track/call-on-the-wolves

"It's going to take a queen to lead.

It's going to take a king to bow."

Dustin Thomas

Still Loving It

#1 - I'm still loving the assignment I selected for myself as homework for my writing and meditation class, "Think of one small action you can take every day between now and Sept 16th.  It will be the exact same action 34 times.  Ideas:  take a picture every day, drink a smoothie every day, read a poem every day, send a postcard every day, walk around the block every day.  Keep it simple."   I chose to read a poem to someone every day - ideally a different person each day.   This has been one of the highlights of my day - even if I am just leaving the message on voicemail.  On Wednesday I actually read a poem to a friend I haven't spoken to in over 15 years.  Just the sound of his voice brought me deep joy.

Today my friend Matt answered his phone.  I see him most weeks on my soccer team, but I don't call him on the phone and I haven't read him a poem in a long time.  He was happy to give me the time and space to listen to one by William Carlos Williams.

#2 - The Coconut Lime popsicle by goodpop is delicious.  Today I looked at the ingredients wondering why I like it so much (beyond the lime which is always a dessert preference for me).  It is sweetened by agave nectar and has 11 grams of sugar. 

https://www.goodpops.com/portfolio/coconut-lime/

#3 - I thought the farmer's market was going to be toasty and humid today but the cloud (or smoke) cover prevented that.  We had a new craft vendor that was very punctual and arrived right on the dot at 6AM to set up.  (Usually only the farmer's arrive that early.)  It was good she filled in as a couple farmer's were unable to come.

#4 - There was both strawberries and spinach, so I bought a bunch to make a strawberry/spinach salad.  I didn't do any recipe planning before the market so it was nice to have this idea come to mind.  I think some feta cheese is all I'll need to purchase from the store.

#5 - I have leftovers from some yummi tacos I made yesterday with homemade salsa and guacamole.  I usually grocery shop on Sundays and I rarely have homemade leftovers this late in the week.

Homework

#1 - This year I am in a monthly writing and meditation class.  Each month we have multiple homework assignments.  For example - once a week drink a glass of water or eat an apple without doing anything else, or slow walk around the block at least once, or read a picture book and take your time with each page, enjoy letting your eyes rest on the images, or listen to an entire CD/album from start to finish without doing anything else.

Last month one of the assignments was "Find a place outside you can recline - a blanket on the grass, a hammock, a reclining lawn chair, on top of a picnic table.  Set your timer for 15 minutes and watch the sky." 

This photo is what one of the other women in class saw when she did that assignment.  I asked if I could share it and Diane said yes.

#2 - This month one of the assignments is "Think of one small action you can take every day between now and Sept 16th.  It will be the exact same action 34 times.  Ideas:  take a picture every day, drink a smoothie every day, read a poem every day, send a postcard every day, walk around the block every day.  Keep it simple." 

I decided to read a poem to someone every day- preferably a different person.  So I pulled out the notebook where I write favorite poems and I pulled out my address book and started calling.  On Tuesday I called a friend I haven't spoken to in a year.  On Wednesday a friend I haven't spoken to in 7 years.  On Thursday a friend it's been more than 10 years.  Today the woman who owns the studio where I do yoga.  So far no one has answered, which is great, I just leave a voicemail.  I think that is why we often don't call someone we haven't spoken to in a long time, where to begin?  But it's so nourishing, to me at least, to just scatter these seeds of connection.  Scatter these seeds of poetry.

#3 - I was about to call the White House comment line because of the horrific amount of money needed for Trump's military parade.  I looked it up right before I called and found out the parade had been postponed, so I actually called and thanked them for postponing (or hopefully cancelling altogether).

#4 - I haven't been motivated for a number of months to check out a cookbook from the library and try some new recipes until a couple weeks ago.  This week one of the recipes had 8 oz of dried porcini mushrooms, when I went to the bulk section to buy them I found out this would cost $40.  I figured this must be some sort of error, maybe it was 8 oz AFTER reconstitution.  I bought 1 oz and then my partner gave me another ounce or two he had when I told him the story.  Suffice it to say I made the recipe but without the quantity of mushrooms.

I'm grateful to have leftovers of this to take with me so I have an quick/easy meal to eat between barre class and cleaning the yoga studio today.

#5 - My doctor suggested trying physical therapy for an issue I've been having.  I was having some gratitude challenges with this wondering how much time this is going to take and if insurance will cover it.  I called insurance today and they said the clinic and physical therapy will be covered (to a certain amount of visits).  I know this is a huge privilege in this country, and for that I truly am grateful.

So Taken Care Of

#1 - "We're in this together." The response of the guy on the phone whom I'd just told, "I did this quickly so I may have made a mistake," when we looked at the changes he requested on the website.

#2 - My mind was racing this morning, so I sat still for ten minutes. Since it was the last thing my mind wanted to do, I knew I needed it. I did not want that mind running my day and I knew if I didn't stop it would. It's the one habit from Spain I'm still carrying with me.

#3 - The apparent pride in the write up the man I'm dating did about a trip to the Boundary Waters Canoe Area with his two daughters last week. It was in response to an internal work post asking what people's children had learned this summer. I had really debated about joining them this year. When I decided not to I expected I would feel sad. However, the week before the trip I felt confident instead. I don't feel jealous they had a wonderful experience, I feel grateful.  Furthermore, the confidence I hear gained by the three of them going by themselves further affirms that decision (#4).

#5 - Reframing - reminding myself constantly to reframe.  Here is an example from today.    The only time I wear glasses is on the computer and I need them on the computer or my eyes feel tired and strained.  I was excited to get my new prescription, since the old one is a few years old.  The eye doctor convinced me to get bifocals because they are the more expensive glasses and then I'd have the distance vision (if I want to wear them to sharpen things up a bit, though he said my distance vision is good) and the close up description.  But the close up is blurry at the distance of my computer screen and clear much too close to my face to be useful.  So really at this point they are pointless for what I need them for.  So I called and first I need to go to the shop to see if they measured incorrectly and if it's correct, then I can go back to the eye doctor.  I'm pretty sure I'll need the second so that means at least two more trips when I just want a simple pair of glasses.

Ok that is one way to look at it.

The other way to look at it is HOW LUCKY I am to be able to see an eye doctor, to have insurance that will pay for a pair of glasses and if those glasses are incorrect, to have that rectified without additional charges (I think, at least on the last part).  Here I am mentally complaining about taking time for this instead of being GRATEFUL that I am so taken care of.

Earth and Humankind

#1 - I think this will be my last posted Spain photo (Granada) it is my favorite.

#2 - My cousin said she is looking for a more fuel efficient vehicle. When I commented on how great that was she asked for recommendations (#3).

#4 - I got around to making another batch of pesto with all the basil in the garden, something I've intended the past few days.

#5 - A very kind man that used to play on my soccer team has said he's available to come back and sub this week.

Other Seeds Too

"Thank you for teaching me not just how to connect but the importance of being/feeling connected, especially in a vulnerable way. It's such a fragile thing, isn't it?"

I asked if I could share this quote from an email I received today because yes connection is a fragile thing. He said he wasn't just feeling disconnected from me, he was feeling disconnected from himself. How often do people realize they are disconnected from themselves and ask for a pause in a conversation to reestablish that connection? I can't say that I recall this happening to me explicitly before.

It's like a revolution.

It's like a rebirth.

We were having a conversation about something that hurt/upset me and he said he needed a pause, he put my hand on his chest, closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths.

"... I wanted to be there for you and to do that I had to re-center and re-connect. Having your hand on my chest and doing some deep breathing really helped me to get closer to that."

What if we did that - all of us? I know Marshall Rosenberg of non-violent communication mentioned having to take a time-out on occasion - and be there for himself so that he can then reengage and be there for another person.

I didn't realize this post continues the theme of what I was grateful for last week until I sat down to write it.

I'm also grateful that something I began on my trip to Spain (doing 10 minute meditations daily) to absorb my experience, I keep doing. I expect it to end any day now, and maybe that is why it doesn't. Because I don't have a goal. I'm just surprised at how much I WANT to continue with it. Often I sit in the evenings. But today I did right before I started work. It seemed important. So it might seem like these photos are the only bits of Spain still with me. But maybe there are other seeds too.

What is Being Said

#1 - When I hit construction traffic on the highway I knew I was going to be late for my monthly writing and meditation group. I really look forward to this time and missed it last month so I was bummed, yet at the same time I knew it would be ok. We usually start with meditation so maybe I'd miss that, but maybe I could try to be meditative in the car. Usually thinking I'm going to be late leads to a lot of stress in me, today this didn't happen and I was only late by 5 minutes or so.

#2 - I was coming from a talk at a local Zen center. I have little interest in the specifics of Buddhist philosophy, however I did really appreciate the way the speaker answered the last woman's question. Her response was more silence than words, which clearly was very personal to the woman asking it, she only said two sentences. But I felt her response, it was powerful.

#3 - For one of our homework assignments for my writing and meditation group this month we are to write 20 gratitudes.

#4 - Harville Hendrix, an author of relationship self-help books, says that couples will continue to hurt one another, but that they will also become more adept and quicker (with practice) on the repair process. That happened to me last night and today. I'm hopeful that we are becoming more adept at repair.

#5 - While we were having a dinner my partner initiated an "Imago dialogue" which is the communication technique we learned from reading Harville Hendrix's books. We haven't formally used that in quite a while and I was happy he suggested it. Though we'd don't formally go through the whole process that often. We do use pieces of it all the time. For example, asking the other person to repeat back what we just said to make sure we heard it correctly. It's amazing how often people don't hear one another.

"Harville: In the resting state, when we’re not distracted, the research shows we have a 13–18% accuracy rate. If we’re distracted, the distortion rate goes up to almost 100% immediately. The reason this happens is that most of us are running a movie in our minds, projecting reality as we know it or as we fear it, wish it, or remember it.

Our attention is on our own internal process, and unless we turn the switch off and make a focused effort to pay attention, we actually get very little of what’s being said to us."

https://1440.org/blog/the-art-of-listening-an-interview-with-harville-hendrix-and-helen-lakelly-hunt/

More Grounded

First of all - I waited a week to try and turn on my camera again. I just wanted to luxuriate in the fact that it closed. But yesterday I turned it on and it worked just fine.

Second of all my reentry home has been a bit fuller than I expected with an out of town funeral etc. So I was super happy today to have a day without any plans. I still got up early (benefit of different time zone) and did some cleaning, but eventually I was tired and just laid down for a while. My jet lag has been really manageable, but today I finally needed a rest.

Third of all I finished unpacking and going through my mail and bank statement. I was pleasantly surprised that the most expensive place I stayed (that I reserved myself - I was also in a writing group part of my trip where I didn't make the arrangements) turned out to be $55/night. That is what I originally thought, but then for a while I thought it was $70 and I wondered why I picked that location.

I'm about to go pick up Ten Poems for Difficult Times the latest book by Roger Housden from the library. He is the author who led the writing group I was with for part of my trip to Spain. I highly recommend his Ten Poems series. Then I'm going to get some groceries so I can pack a picnic dinner for tomorrow. When I called today a very sweet voice answered and said that not only would the water loving 10 year old like to join me at the beach tomorrow, but the rest of the family may as well.

I walked over to the farmer's market this AM - I work there every other week and I often don't make it over on my off weeks. It was nice to meander there today and also see what was decided about a couple things we debated about last week, such as what to do about the vendor that takes a long time to pack up (and therefore is still in the street when everyone else has left).

Appropriate Use

When I got on the bus from the airport to Granada I saw a woman across the aisle texting or looking up things on her phone.  I wanted to say to her, "Look up!  It's Spain!! You are missing it!" She looked like a tourist, but maybe she'd seen the scene a 1000 times.

An hour or so later after checking in where I was staying, I began to wander up and down hills and through winding narrow streets.  I ended up at a place with a famous viewpoint of the city (Mirador de San Cristóbal top photo).  There was a man there playing guitar.  Tourists would arrive in waves, often off a bus, spend a few moments taking photos and then move on.

I did too, but first I sat and took in the beauty.  I sat and closed my eyes and did a 10 minute meditation.  I soaked in the surroundings, and then, eventually, I took a photo.

At my next stop, a town on the Mediterranean two days later.  I did not follow this philosophy.  I arrived and my room was super cute with big window doors and lots of light.  I immediately snapped a shot in excitement.  Then I hurried out to see the sea and immediately began taking photos.  I think I assumed that the beach was relatively empty and I should hurry and take pictures now.  So before connecting with the place, before arriving there myself, I sat my camera on a bench, set the self timer and the intense wind knocked it onto the ground.

The lens automatically closed and I quickly turned it back on to see if it was broken.  It opened but then was stuck, the lens was stuck open.

I knew why.  I had let my excitement to capture the moment, take me out of the moment. 

I immediately understood.

The next day I walked through town and stopped at places that repaired watches, or electronics and showed them my camera.  I got to speak Spanish in a less tourist fashion.  I was told I had to mail my camera in, that that happens, or another shop to try.  I tried to keep it from becoming the focus of my energy.  And for the most part I let go.  (I did not have a phone to take photos instead.)

Each city thereafter I'd take the camera out at least once and try.  Turn it on- read the message about lens failure automatic shutdown - listen to the motor attempt to close it.  I recharged the batteries, I tried nudging the lens, or making sure there wasn't any sand in the crevices.  I let go again.

And for the most part I was grateful.  Grateful for the words from an Indigo Girls song,
"Don't write this down.
Remember this in your head. 
Don't take a picture. 
Remember this in your heart."

And I did.  I sat.  Sometimes I drew.  Sometimes I closed my eyes and listened.  I said, "Thank you." I breathed.

The last night in Spain I walked by an actual camera shop in Sevilla.  The first one I'd seen.  It didn't say they did repairs but I went back to my room to get my camera to ask.  He told me similar to the others, mail it in and said something about how it had to be within 5 days.  Then he gave me the place of another place to try (which I was confused by as he said to mail it in), but I asked him to show me where on the map.  And for the next hour or more I went on another winding and confusing treasure hunt to find it.  I never did, but enjoyed the journey and the exploration.

Today I decided to call Canon customer service to see if I sent it in, approximately how much a repair would cost.  I got on the phone with the woman, and my stuck lens, pressed the on button to tell her what the message it gave me was
and the lens closed

the lens closed.

I have not tried to open it again. At the moment it doesn't really matter to me.  I get it.  I got the message.

Just BE there in Spain sweetheart.  You have 25 photos already.  That is enough.

That is enough.

The same thing might have happened to you, and you might have received an entirely different message.  I'm not saying this message is the right one.

But I am saying this message was the right one for me.

Adventure Ahead

#1 - Planning ahead (this I do in general) so I tend to stress out early rather than right before a deadline.  Because I do though, today I was able to work a bit extra (when they really needed it) and also have time to spend with my aunt for an unplanned visit.

#2 - I had one recipe left to make from my previous grocery shopping - falafel - which my aunt enjoyed cooking with me.  She finds the things I make new and interesting.

#3 - We had a super yummi smoothie for dessert.  I've been meaning to make one all week - pineapple, frozen bananas, frozen peaches, yogurt and almond milk.

#4 - My brother asked if I wanted to borrow a GPS watch.  I told him it may be useful but I tend to get frustrated with new technology.  He sent me a link to put the locations I want on a map and then I think he'll do the rest.  We'll see.

#5 - It's been 14 years since I left the country, with the exception of a walk across the border into Canada.  The last time I went I was desperate for a direction in my life and was kind of grasping at straws.  I'd always wanted to spend time in a Spanish speaking country and so that was what I did.  I had a good experience, but it didn't provide any direction or answers and upon my return I entered a phase which was certainly the low point of my adult life.

Now in the beginning of my 40's I go again.  This time for a few weeks instead of a few months.  This time I didn't search it out, it came and found me, and kept nudging.  I continually asked, "Really?"  "Are you sure?" and finally gave in.

 This time I don't know why I'm going, or where it will lead me, if anywhere at all.  But last night I was playing guitar along with a Spanish CD and I connected the two threads and it felt good

and it felt right.

La Crosse

When I met the man I'm dating his youngest was 6 and his eldest had just turned 10.  Today I saw the youngest run off to the playground and thought, "Enjoy her childhood it won't be like this much longer."  She is almost 10 herself now, her sister doesn't run to playgrounds anymore.

We were at the eldest's la crosse game.  I was at that same place two weeks ago - trying to connect with their father there and not having much success. 

One week ago, I went again, wanting to be there because we were in a better place, but afterwards I was angry.  Angry from all the feelings I hold inside.

Tonight we were both open.  On the way back to the car he swatted my behind with the lacrosse stick.  "You're being playful," I said, "That much mean you're feeling safe."

Then I went to the co-op to pick up some mid-week groceries and got a hug from the owner where I do yoga in the produce section.  I usually grocery shop on Sundays and it's nice to be restocked and have some meals planned for the weekend, instead of being at the end of my fresh food.

I spent most of my day listening to Byron Katie videos while I worked.  I think in fact every one I listened to were ones I've heard before.  None of them failed to touch me again - especially the one between mother and son.

Thank You

#1 - I'm grateful that though it is a beautiful day, I wasn't feeling motivated to exercise on my own.  I didn't expect it to work out, but I tried calling a friend this morning whom I annually take a certain long walk with, to see if today might work.  She tried to negotiate it to another day this week, but none of those ended up seeming to work, so she is on her way to meet me now.

#2 - I received three emails in a row today from a certain man in my life and they all felt collaborative in nature.

#3 - One of those was about his daughter's la crosse game this weekend, which will be played in a town an hour away where my cousin lives.  I called my cousin to see if she was available to hang out if I go to the game.  She isn't, but I found out she and her sister will be driving by me next week and we have a tentative tennis matched planned together.

#4 - Being surprised that I had enough ingredients to make a yummi salad for lunch - quick, easy and healthy.  It had lettuce, red pepper, carrot, mushrooms, a hard-boiled egg, canned salmon and salad dressing.

#5 - The quiet space at the end of my lunch break when I wasn't formulating plans and simply bent over, placed my hands upon the earth, and said, "Thank you."

Mud

(My niece's favorite part of our weekend  camping trip.) 

#1 - I got a couple emails today - one from a manager at a former job checking in on me and one from a woman I've never met who reads this.  Both were unexpected gifts.

#2 - After camping this weekend I went grocery shopping on the way home.  Strawberries were on sale and I bought spinach for something else, but I ended up using the spinach for a strawberry and spinach salad.  Fortunately, I had all the other ingredients - pecans, feta and it sounded really good to me.

#3 - Beautiful sunny day to air out my sleeping bags on the clothesline.  The leaves have really burst on the trees.  I learned yesterday that this could be because of the lightning this weekend - something about ions in the air.  I haven't looked it up and I don't recall exactly, but interesting.

#4 - I received a phone call this morning, clarifying something from last night about how I was being controlling.  It is true I was being controlling, I had a specific intention and we were not headed there and I tried to force us back.  I'm sure I could have done this in a more collaborative and connecting way.  Count that as an area for growth.

#5 - A friend asked me about Imago Dialogues - I had told her about them before and she wanted more info. I sent her this google talk - which I listened to again, and still got a great deal out of it.

https://youtu.be/FfbfHtoHqiE

Ponder in Openness

#1 - Shelby's encouraging hug and empathetic words after my writing and meditation class.  This is an elder that I've met five times, and who told me what I left that she loved me.

#2 - The man in my life being concerned I hadn't told my friend about our recent challenges and saying he would explain it to her.  Leading to an impromptu exit ramp an hour an a half later to take him up on his offer.

#3 - My friend was available and came.  This was much better than me explaining it myself, "Thank you God" I wrote in my journal after - "thank you support network".

#4 - A statement which my friend repeated to me when I dropped her off, that I wrote it my journal, and really need to sit with and consider.  In addition, to being supportive, she said a few things that were hard to hear.  And that is one thing a good friend will do - ask you to look at yourself.

She also commented that living together speeds things up - either way.  She suggested a two week trial run - see how it goes.  It was just great for both this suggestion and others - to have an outside perspective, she gave me multiple things to ponder and wonder about in an open and receptive way.

#5 - I almost forgot, but my college age cousin was visiting and she insisted on starting our day with a meditation.  I resisted, didn't think we had time, but she pushed and of course
it was what I most needed.

Walking

Besides groceries and a little cooking - I didn't plans for today or tomorrow.  Sometimes I'd want to dive into things at home - but I've had the past couple weekends for that, especially last weekend with the snowstorm.

I started calling friends to see if I could find someone to go for a walk.  After a bit one responded and we made a plan for later tomorrow afternoon.  I did some cooking and dishes and grocery lists, but I then I didn't want to wait for tomorrow to go outside and I was having difficulty motivating myself to do anything alone.  I called a fried that moved recently, he didn't move far and though he wasn't available for the walk, it was good to talk quick and get his new address (#1).  I tried my sister-in-law, I left another message...then I went outside and sat on the front step.  I had thought about biking to the store or the library, but I pretty much gave up and it seemed enjoying the sun on the front step was as far as I was going to get today.  I had aspirations for more, but not the motivation to make those aspirations happen myself.  Soon after I gave in, the phone rang and a friend said yes he'd love to go on a long walk (#2).

I've wanted to have this friend over for dinner for over a year since I unexpectedly came across him at a poetry event and learned he is now living in the area.  We actually had plans for him to come over once for dinner and he never arrived, he forgot.  But now he was headed over for a walk, and it was close to dinner time so I started cooking.  Usually I don't have much to cook on Saturdays as I grocery shop Sundays, but because of the snowstorm I shopped later in the week and so I made us sweet potato quesadillas (#3).

Then we headed out for our 6 plus mile walk around a lake.  I was surprised by the speed at which my friend was walking.  I had to keep up.  When we got back to the car he said he's had a hard time walking because of some nerve damage.

 "You were really booking it I would have never guessed." I replied.

"I was frustrated so just pushing through it," he responded.  "But then you had us stop and said this was Medicine Lake so if you need any medicine you can ask.  I thought about asking about this pain but then I thought that was dumb.  But then I thought, 'Why not?' so I did and after that it stopped hurting."  (#4)

"Wow. 

Maybe because 'What you resist persists,' maybe you let go of some of your resistance after you asked the lake?"

Or maybe nature is just magic (#5)

Holding On

#1 - The middle of February 2017 was super warm, as was the middle of March 2015.  These both corresponded precisely to warm things occurring in my life. I try not to talk about the fact that the weather revolves around my life for a couple of reasons. I don't want to take it for granted.  Or at the same time, imply that the weather does what I want.  Plus it's not really polite to tell other people the weather revolves around you.  Granted I don't mean the weather in the entire world, but even in a metropolitan area of a couple million that seems a bit self-centered.

But seriously this weekend it's hard to deny.  The fact that warmth has only made an intermittent appearance and the cold and storms of winter keep holding on.  The fact that things seem resistant to melting and opening and change?

Yep that's my life.

I hadn't thought about it until I wrote this but this could make me sound like some sort of sorceress.  If I have any responsibility in this matter, all I can say is I'm doing my best to shift out of old patterns.

And as I was about to finish writing this it started to hail. 

#2 - So after it shifted more to a sleet I rushed outside to complete my last cleaning task, emptying the garbage/recycling.  It's not that I want it to be in hail or sleet, but it does feel in alignment with my life.

#3 - Sometimes just getting something out in the open, to be seen and witnessed is a relief, getting to the root of things.  My word of the year is BRANCH, so it feels good to get down to the root.

#4 - After I finish cleaning the yoga studio, and pick up a couple groceries.  I don't really have anywhere I need to go this weekend.  My soccer game is outdoors, so will be canceled, and I suspect my monthly writing and meditation class will too.

#5 - Finally, I bought some blueberries last month because they were on sale and I soon regretted it.  I had just recently been to the dentist and my teeth looked bright and white, then I ate them and despite brushing right afterwards they were stained.  I tried baking soda, which helped, but only a little.

Then I started using this new electric toothbrush from my brother, and today I noticed after brushing my teeth that the stain is gone!  It's like I went to the dentist!

Nikita Gill

I am in the middle of a ten week Writing Through Trauma class.  I hesitated to sign up, as I wasn't sure what inspired me to take the class qualified as "trauma", but in fact it seems I belong there more than I expected.  We have talked and written about trauma in big and small ways - from not being picked on a team for school, to more serious infractions.

I have been surprised, again and again, how touching a simple role play experience can be.  Today we started out doing a bit of improvisation, definitely outside my comfort zone, but I go with it.  We walked around acting like we were in complete control.  Then we walked around as if we were out of control.  Somehow this ended up with us making a declaration.  My declaration was about being open.

Then we returned to writing and wrote a list of blocks between us and our declaration - so in my case, blocks to my openness.  One of my blocks was an early childhood memory of my Dad yelling at me to, "Stop crying!"  After that my mother later told me that she never saw me cry again.  And it's true, I learned to hold in my tears - either permanently - or until I could be alone.  That may have served a protective purpose, but as a habit it inhibits connection, not only with other people, but also with myself!

Then a couple of us acted out one of our blocks. I picked the door at the edge of my room to represent my openness, then I picked a classmate to be my mom partially in between me and the door and another classmate to be my father, fully blocking the door.  To my surprise with just a little dialogue and role play I ended up crying. I don't know how much changes from an activity like this, but in the moment at least, I do know it brings understanding and peace.

I also shared with the class a poem, The Bones of Trauma, from a book/author I discovered at the library yesterday.  Wild Embers - Poems of Rebellion, Fire and Beauty by Nikita Gill.  It's not often I read a book of poetry straight through, but after opening to random page after random page, and feeling riveted by each of them, I not only want to read it straight through, I feel compelled to.

I just looked her up online - Nikita Gill - Wow.  I'm reading through her instagram posts and having a hard time picking one to post here.  So I'll just say if you have any interest, check her out...

Mysterious and Ordinary

#1 - A little over a year ago I attended my first support group, on the recommendation of a counselor - a mysterious new world.  Actually it wasn't that mysterious, it was pretty ordinary and real.  Today someone I loved made a similar step.

#2 - The two block walk home from my community ed fitness class, which this time of year happens right around sunset.  There was a break in the clouds to the NW for a splash of orangish-yellow.

#3 - I packed a yummi salad for lunch tomorrow - lettuce, red pepper, hard-boiled eggs, Parmesan and carrots.   I'll add avocado and dressing tomorrow.

#4 - Some place where I have a small amount of money was bought by another company.  I've had an email to log on and verify my info for a few weeks which I kept ignoring.  I finally got around to it today.

#5 - Beautiful
https://www.instagram.com/p/Bg2LaYyHylu/?hl=en&taken-by=lewishowes

Spring Equinox

*Usually I try to find an event to attend (or create) to honor the Solstices and Equinoxes.  Today I'm not going to fit that in, but I am still going to acknowledge the day in a few ways.

First of all I started my day with four sun salutations.
Second of all I made a smoothie for breakfast which is a treat.
Third I plan to honor the day as an intention in a hot yoga class tonight.

*I finally filled out the check in questionaire for my annual physical this week.  I've had the email in my mailbox for a while and been meaning to get around to it.  I do think they need another option besides - "None at All, Several Days, More Days Than Not, Every Day".  A few of the questions I'd be lying if I said, "None at all" but "Several Days" was not accurate either.  For example, feeling anxiety, I can't say I felt "None at all" for anxiety or worry in the last two weeks, but several days was an exaggeration.

*Someone I care about had his first appointment with a naturopath today.  I'm grateful for his openness to try something outside the mainstream medical model

*After dinner my eyes felt a bit googly from looking at screens, I wanted to finish a couple things up, and I also knew it would be better to take a break.  In the living room the guitar was sitting beside a Bebe CD I'd been accompanying.  Because it was ready and accessible I sat down and played a song.

*Duolingo says I'm 51% fluent in Spanish.  I think that actually sounds about right.

You Can't Rush Your Healing

#1 - During lunch I had a question for a friend about a march at the capitol in a couple weeks in response to gun violence.  She is coming from out of town and instead of emailing her to coordinate, I just made a quick call and ended up talking for a half hour or so.  It was a welcome addition to my lunch break.

#2 - The most animated I became during our conversation was when I told her about the escape/puzzle room I did with friends for my birthday.  It was almost two months ago, but I could still hear the excitement in my voice.  She was surprised I enjoyed it and seemed interested herself.  I told her, "There's a good chance I'll organize it again next year, you are welcome to come if you'd like."

#3 - Speaking of which, I'm trying to arrange one in the near future for a 13 year old I care about.  Today my sister-in-law said they'd contribute which would make it possible for her to bring an additional friend.

#4 - I listened to a new Esther Perel podcast episode, I'm continually in awe of her compassion and empathy.  She is a shining example of strong spine and open heart.

S2 Ep. 1: You Need Help to Help Her

https://www.estherperel.com/podcast

#5 - I was having a hard time digging for #5 today.  So I decided to break and grabbed the guitar to play Wish Man by Trevor Hall, a new song I really enjoy the strum pattern for.  I played along with Youtube and along the side I saw the song I most connected with when I saw him in concert recently.  "You Can't Rush Your Healing".  I looked up the tab for that and it says it is for novice but I'd need to practice that a while.  I still really appreciate the chorus

 "You can't rush your healing

Darkness has it's teachings

Love is never leaving

You can't rush your healing

You're healing"

A Wrinkle in Time

My niece wanted to go to the top of the fire tower (we were at an environmental education center for the weekend).  The other kids wanted to go snowshoeing.  We ran out of time to do both.  I explained this to my niece and she agreed to snowshoe.  She didn’t actually know what snowshoeing was though and after walking for a few minutes she yelled back good naturedly, “What is fun about this?!”  

As we walked, we just happened to end up within sight of the fire tower and the group headed there walked right by.  So we joined them.  It worked out way better than if we had tried to plan it, and it’s such a good reminder to me that sometimes letting go allows things to happen, even ones that don’t seem possible.  (Kind of like a tesseract*.)

On the way back down from the fire tower the instructor said there was a snowshoe trail around back we could take to the building. 

 “Is it longer or shorter?” I asked.

“Shorter.”   

Great!  It was a fun and steep descent. 

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Earlier in the morning I led an informal yoga class for other people on the weekend trip.  One woman came up afterwards and said, “You have such a nice voice for this, so soothing.”  No one has ever told me this before.

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On the drive home I continued reading out loud, a Wrinkle in Time.  We got within 20 pages of finishing the book.  The movie comes out on Friday, if it lives up to its preview, I highly recommend it. 

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*The tesseract is a Wrinkle in Time reference.