What is True

 #1- I had a pretty light healthy supper tonight.  So I took the time after, I was still a bit hungry, to make a carob mousse that I'd been thinking about making recently and luckily had all the ingredients for. The only fresh ingredient required was an orange.  An orange, honey, silken tofu, carob powder, vanilla and a little tahini in the blender.

#2-

My hallway has looked like this for over a year.  A couple months after I moved in my neighbor's toilet had a leak so the carpet and some drywall were ripped out.  The drywall has been fixed but I haven't done anything with the floor.  I honestly don't really care.  It doesn't bother me.  Plus it has taken a while for me to figure out what I wanted to do.  

Originally, I was hoping for bamboo floor, then maybe hardwood to replace the living room carpet. Though some say it's fine, others do not suggest putting hardwood on cement slab.  So it's an expensive thing to do questionablely.

I've had a new plan for a while now and don't seem to be changing my mind again so I could probably go for it.  I want to just extend the flooring in my entry way (at the very top of this photo) down the hall.

The other couple improvements I've hired for here have taken quite a while. So, since things take a while I finally decided to call someone on the "trusted vendor" list from my Realtor for flooring.  

The first guy is too busy/not interested.  "I wasn't looking to do it until at least March."  Didn't matter.

The second guy told me to send him my address, which I did after our call on Monday and then I heard nothing.  Today someone calls and said they want to stop by in 30 minutes, "What?" 

"About the flooring."

"Oh, ok."

So he stops by measures and gives me a quote.  "$600."

"$600?"

"Yes."

Wow.  That doesn't include the flooring which I will purchase ahead of time.  He was ready to do the job. "I don't want it done until at least March," I said.

"Ok just text me when you are ready."

"Should we schedule it?" I asked.

"Anytime is fine."

Now I don't know if it will end up being this easy/quick.  However nothing else I've done here so far has gone so easily (and happily priced), so I was in a bit of shock when he left of the seeming simplicity.

#3 - I emailed a high school friend (who I wasn't sure I even had an email for, and haven't seen in over 10 years even though she lives very close), after seeing the Flamenco group she used to dance with is performing soon. I asked if she would be part of the show.

She isn't.  However her reply and the exchange meant.  "Ok, maybe this is a person to consider keeping in my life." I invited her to a gathering at my place this weekend.

She can't come, but her response told me, "next time invite her." I actually considered inviting her, but I recall inviting her to a similar thing 4 years ago and getting no response from her.  So I assumed either

A. I didn't have her correct email anymore

B. She wasn't interested

Neither of which were true.

#4 - Another friend's mom on the other hand is going to come.  My friend's mom, and my niece.  So there will be people ranging in ages from 12 to 70 something.  I am very curious about how this is turning out.  I have never had this many people over to my "new" place (about 15).  And frankly last year I wouldn't have wanted that because people saying happy things about my "new" place would have just made me sad.  

However, now everyone that is coming has been here before, so the focus will not be on the new place anyway.

#5- It took me a lot longer than 90 minutes to listen to this because I paused it so often. Besides the content, it is so refreshing to see/hear men having such rich/deep conversations.

 

 

Skate Fit

I tried writing gratitudes multiple times tonight and just kept getting stuck.  Finally I realized, I think I'm just supposed to tell this story... 

As I pittered around trying to get the momentum to write, I went to http://centaurwalking.blogspot.com/ and read the January 15th post about fear.  And maybe that will be my entryway - it is about how fear limits us.

I was afraid at the end of my last post, to go to a Skate Fit class.

Now this fear had nothing to do with any sort of harm whatsoever to myself, and yet, it was still powerful.

I'm reminded that Jason Mraz has a tattoo that says, "Beginner" on his arm, which he says, gives himself permission to fail. 

So what happened at skating last week?

Well when I arrived there were people skating and I soon realized it must be private lessons as there were 8-10 skaters all paired up with an instructor.  It was approaching the time for my class and I didn't see anybody, so maybe I'd just be going home?  "This was still worth it," I thought., "At least I tried." It was really beautiful to see these adults working on their skating.

Then I saw 1 woman putting on her skates.  "Are you here for the Skate Fit?" I asked.

"Yes."

"I'm a basic skater so I'm not sure what I'm doing."

"We're just here to have fun," she said.

Well, kind of.  She, myself and 1 other skater entered the rink.  There were 2 instructors and they said what we were going to do for warm up, none of which I understood.  So we started skating and almost instantly split up into 2 groups, the other 2 skaters and an instructor and the other instructor with myself.

I explained that I usually only skate once or twice a year and mostly cross-country ski but we still don't have snow.  They (the instructor asked to be called "they/them") said they were glad the lack of snow brought me there and then proceeded to give me basically a private skate lesson.

I don't know if I've ever had a skate lesson, maybe in early elementary school?  If I did I don't remember it.

One thing I've always wanted to do is be able to stop.  I stop by turning until I run out of momentum.  But we worked on stopping, along with lots of other things I've never done.  They clearly LOVED skating and it shone thru their voice, and eyes and was infectious.  They said they loved skating so much they never had a "real" job, which later really bothered me because there is nothing more real than the enthusiasm they conveyed.

About half way thru the class the other instructor came over to switch (thinking my instructor would want a break from me), and she was also helpful.  She held my foot while I was trying to do the stop and told me I was putting too much weight on it (which is why any stopping motion was more of a falling motion).  So I started learning to keep my weight on my other foot.

When I was leaving I heard one of the other class participants talking about a skating competition she was going to compete in, in another state.

Yeah.  Not my level. She was kind enough to say there are usually more people there of various abilities.

The class was a $10 drop in, but there was no one there to pay.  The instructor said I could still pay online when I got home. When I got home I tried to but the class was closed.  So basically I got a free private skate lesson.

 I was so proud of myself I had difficulty calming down to sleep.  The class is late 8:45-9:30pm.

I told myself I was going to go at least 1 more week.  I wanted to tell the instructor that made the comment about them not having a "real" job that there is nothing more real than loving what you do.

If it ended up being (what to me were) "experts" and then mid level skaters and then me, that would probably be my last time.

So last night was week 2.  There were 4 of us (which I guess is still smaller than usual).  Two of them I'd describe as mid-level skaters, the other said she moved to Minnesota last year, so she learned how to skate and loved it.  The instructors ended up splitting up again, 1 with the mid-level skaters and 1 with the recent move and I.  Some things, like stops though, the instructors said we were going to work on and then gave a bunch of examples.  So I just picked the most basic stop to work on, and the others could work on harder things.  

It was really fun!

I've already skated three times this month. (I went on Sunday with my niece/nephew and my friend's kid), which is more than I usually do all winter.  I realized one reason I only skate 1 or 2 times a winter is because I don't know what to do, I just do the same basic skate and it gets boring.

Last week when I came home I felt proud.

Last night when I came home I felt excited.

Both weeks it was bedtime and too late to call someone, and there is no one else here to share my joy . And I was reminded it is good to have someone to come home to when you are scared or sad or hurt to talk to and get a hug

and it is also good to come home to someone to share your excitement.

And it's ok I don't have that right now

and it's also good to remember.

"Fear halts more dreams than failure ever will"

Will Evans Restless Spirit

 

 

Winter Sports

 #1 - Today I watched my first cross-country ski race.  When I got there I thought, "Why would anyone do this?" You are going to get hot racing so you have to stand around before the race in limited clothing.  It is stressful and cold.  If I were in charge of the world there probably would neither be any racing, nor record breaking.  Some might say a boring place.

Anyway, I didn't know what the parking situation would be. The race started at 4pm.  I arrived at 3:30pm. I saw my niece and learned her race started at 4:30 + 35:40.  That would be another hour and a half!  I brought neither book nor phone to amuse me.  I thought of going for a walk but I also didn't bring a watch.  Sigh.

So I sat in the vestibule of the building and daydreamed, watched the high school kids and answered a grandma's question about the race (the little info I knew).  

Around 4:20 I walked down to the course to get the lay of the land and pretty soon saw my niece in line to start.  So the 35 minutes was 35 minutes after 4pm, not after 4:30.

We only have a dusting of snow still so they are skiing on a man made snow course and would do 2 laps.  There was a good spot to stand where I could see my niece 4 times.  This was a classic ski race (versus skate ski) and most of the kids were poling it most of the way which is a lot of back and upper body strength.

It's so interesting how seeing someone we love do something pulls us in. Before she started I watched the students going by nonchalantly, however once she was in, I was in. It really reinforces to me how what the people we care about do, expands our world. I've skied this course many times (never racing), and yet suddenly I felt it in a whole new way.

At the end she asked me what was more exciting to watch, the cross country running or skiing.  I said the running, because when she runs I run to different points in the course to see her.  It takes a lot more effort and adrenaline from me. But then I thought more about it and in those races everyone starts at the same time so it is easy to ascertain who is winning and losing. In this race, they start staggered, 5 people every 30 seconds.  Plus they are doing 2 laps, so you may know where the people you start with are, but the other people on the course you have no idea if they are ahead of you or behind you.

So despite what I said earlier, it is less stressful, but also less exciting.

#2 - It was also a great day to watch as it was near freezing (around 0 C), whereas the forecast for next week is finally January winter weather (a high of 0 F/-17 C).

#3 - I lost a winter hat at a home visit last year. I lost another one last week.

The family had the second hat when I asked about it today.

#4 - My other family said, "Sorry we have a situation," when I arrived today.  I came in concerned, but the "situation" was simply that the kid was asleep and the mom couldn't get her to wake up. It ended being really nice because her newborn was asleep too so I got to just talk to the mom in the quiet for 15 minutes.  It felt sweet. 

#5 - Finally I am going to try a fitness ice skating class tonight.  It is good this is a gratitude day, because writing that will give me another reason not to change my mind.

I saw skating lessons in the park and rec catalog last month and marked it.  They had beginner, intermediate and advanced levels (for adults).  I have the same basic skating skills I've had since a kid since I go about 1-2 times a year.  "Maybe I should take an intermediate class and actually improve on something." I thought.  But I didn't sign up.

Last week when we STILL didn't have snow (to ski) I called about the class.  I thought it might be cancelled for lack of enrollment, but there is a waiting list!  Go adults!

So I can't do that but they also have this "fitness skate".  It is a 45 minute drop in payment to get exercise while skating.  It does not specify what level of a skater you need to be.  So I'm guessing I might not skilled enough for it.  However it is Monday nights for the next 6 weeks and if I happen to like it then I could keep going.

And if I don't I never have to go again.

It is also 8:45-9:30pm so very close to my bedtime.

So it would be much easier for me to just stay home, however I think of Eleanor Roosevelt at times like these who said, "Do something every day that scares you." And how rarely I do something that scares me.  But this would qualify, so I know I've got Eleanor on my side.

Next level

#1 - Maybe a morning like today, 7 or so years ago, I felt so directionless/lost after my soccer game. I couldn't figure out where to go or what to do with myself.  Then I stopped at the library and checked my email and there was a very intense angry message from my former partner. "Oh, that's why I feel so off today," I suddenly understood.

 I mention that because today I felt a little similarly, a little, I had a morning game at that location/same time of year and I just was in a weird space afterwards.  Not like last time. I don't feel any anger, just in a different space.  In the afternoon I pulled out a 2016 journal and was reading/reflecting a bit on that time. Soon enough, I got a phone call from a friend who broke up with her boyfriend, then got back together, now might be breaking up.

I was in a receptive/relatable place to take the phone call.

#2 - And afterwards it all made sense, I love that I had just been sitting there quietly for quite a while really doing hardly anything.  It was almost as if I was waiting for that call. #3 - After I had the energy to start prepping a vegetarian lasagna and I've had a very content evening.

#4 - Here is a quote from my 8 year old nephew that I sent to a couple friends today.  He heard a song on the radio yesterday - Wham Last Christmas

"This song is really old

It is from the 18's."

(he meant the 80's)

 #5 - And though I highly value having people in life that I feel connected to, this video reminded me that someone without a strong personal attachment to other people (or that is the impression I got), can do a hell of a lot of good.

A whole nother level

 

"Unbelievably frugal" Indianapolis man left $13 million to charities

Seeds and Fruit

 The winter after my mom died she got a postcard in the mail about an annual volunteer/donation  event.  I highly doubt it was something she was ever a part of, so I don't know how she got on the mailing list, but I took the nudge and went.

It is put on by a non-profit in a lower income neighborhood.  They ask for a variety of new donated inexpensive gifts which are then sorted by volunteers (all the gifts for toddlers in one section etc).  For $1 a child (or parent for the child) can buy a ticket and with that ticket the child (with parental help) writes down five names and ages of  people the child will "shop" for.

Today was that annual gift sale. I think I've been doing this for the past 15 or so years.  

The first few years I was more involved as I helped sort gifts before the sale and helped on the sale day.  They didn't have it in 2020 or 2021.  I was there last year, but going this year I was feeling rather ambivalent about it/disconnected I guess.  However I walked in the door and I heard, "Tammy we're so glad you are here." (I have no idea the person's name who said that to me.)  Then another person said, "Jim says what a great job you do in the auditorium."

Basically the first few years I volunteered at the event day I had a minor roll walking kids from one building to the other. However one year, a key person was sick and I ended up in the auditorium and it was a situation where someone had to take charge and I did.  

I forget that part of myself, because it doesn't come out a lot.  However there were maybe up to 100 kids waiting and they had to be kept in order (or parents start freaking out) and there were a few demanding parents, and I took over and kept things going.  

Ever since then I've had that role.

Last year was a lot more chill.  They've expanded the building where it is held, and maybe reduced the number of kids?  I'm not sure, but it wasn't a big deal last year.

Today went pretty smooth, though at one point we did have a backlog of kids and a few parental complaints to handle. Afterwards at least two random people came up to me and said, "You are good at that." I find this mind boggling, basically all it takes is a plan, clear communication, boundaries, and a bit of smiles and kindness with the kids.  I do often look at the other adults in the room and think, "Just be clear!"  I don't know, I guess that is how are strengths go, they just come naturally so it is hard to understand other people not getting it.

I know my dad felt that way about many mechanical things that were beyond me.

So I was more than grateful to have shown up today.  After I got home I thought I'd just lay on the floor and rest, however I wanted to clean the kitchen floor and I still had the vacuum in there from this morning when I broke a glass.

I ended up looking up how to clean the compressor on the refrigerator, something I've never done before but heard of. And then I cleaned the prints off the front of the fridge AND cleaned the floor.

So now I'm going to have dinner and then head off to another annual event.  It is the kirtan and Rumi poetry night I've been attending for years.  Although, I don't think they had it  in 2020 and 2021 and last year I missed it so it's been a while. The organizer usually remembers me there too though, because I am one of the few people that recites by memory (instead of reads) a Rumi poem. It is an event I introduced my former partner to, and one he enjoys. I know he went last year and he may be there tonight, so it is especially nice that one of my cousins has been listening to some kirtan music and when I mentioned it to her, said she'd like to attend with me.

The Spaces You Inhabit

 #1 - There is a woman (originally from Belgium) living in Italy whose perspective/blog I always enjoy.  I was especially fascinated when she posted places they were looking to buy to live.  I found it fascinating how different things were/seemed.  They did eventually move, and today she posted videos of the place.  I greatly enjoyed seeing their home and I am ESPECIALLY happy to see it has light.  I remember one of the options they were considering that I thought if the doors were closed would feel like a tomb.

http://centaurwalking.blogspot.com/

#2 - I started a new job a little under a year ago.  One of my first pleasant surprises was that the meals provided during my training would all be vegetarian!  (If the organization provides food it is vegetarian so that it is kosher.)

A month or so ago we received an email about the annual "holiday" party.  I looked at my schedule and saw my home visits with families conflicted. It was a relief, I didn't even have to try to go.  But then...last week we got an email with the details of the holiday party and it's going to be games! They are asking people to sign up to bring games to play.  Suddenly I wanted to go!!  I emailed my coordinator and asked if I could reschedule my 2 conflicting families to attend and she said yes.

Then today in our weekly staff meeting we watched

How Full is Your Bucket? For Kids by Tom Rath and Mary Reckmeyer

https://youtu.be/mWe6Z3zFwoA?si=H9BIkTln9HueCWT6

This was a sweet story and one I want to read to my niece and nephew.  Since we work with families that wasn't so unusual. 

#3 - However, after the story we did a very "Tammy activity". We each put our name three times into a bucket and then pulled three names from the bucket.  On drops of paper we were supposed to write something we appreciated about each name we received, or if we didn't know the person, we could write a question to them of something we'd like to learn about them. #4 - After I wrote my 3, there were extra drops of paper you could write additional gratitudes if you wanted. I decided to write one for my coordinator/manager.  I don't remember exactly what I wrote, but it was something about how I've had plenty of challenging people in my life, however for whatever reason, I've always been blessed by great managers.  I wanted to thank her for continuing that trend and also say how much I appreciated being able to be fully myself.  

What was funny was, I didn't realize until I was about to write this.  I received 4 drops.  It was pretty obvious to me the 3 people that were assigned to write drops about me.  I really appreciated one that said for example, "I love your calm firm energy," however I hardly ever talk to this person, so I'm sure she wouldn't have written that to me without being assigned my name.  I mention this because, just like I made an extra effort to write my coordinator a note, she also clearly made the effort to write me a note, and this is what she wrote,

#5 - "I really appreciate how you show up as your full self in the spaces you inhabit."

Coincidence?

Gnat

 #1 - A roommate from college called unexpectedly because she wanted to do a quiet writing retreat this weekend and she wondered about options. #2 - Of course I jumped in on research and suggestions, this is definitely up my alley! I was also grateful to talk with her and hear what inspired this.

#3 - I bought some curtains at the thrift store, but they are a bit long with my baseboard heaters.  I emailed a friend's mom to ask if she had a sewing machine last week.  She did and said she could hem them.  I dropped them off last Friday and said, "no hurry".  I bought blackout blinds for my bedroom because of the exterior lights, however I didn't get them quite wide enough to block the light that seeps in the sides and it has been annoying me for months, though I always forget this during the day.

Anyway, she said they are already done!  I don't even have a curtain rod yet.

#4 - One of my co-workers had a back surgery recently.  I volunteered to do the home visits for one of her family's if it wasn't too far away and it fit my schedule.  Today her manager sent me a couple options and I picked one that will be less than a 15 minute drive, so I'm glad to be able to help out.

#5 - I've had fungus gnats on a couple of my plants that have really started driving me nuts.  I've had sticky pads on the soil for a while which has been killing some, but not taking care of the problem.  I bought some "neem oil" spray and did a couple more things today to take the situation a bit more seriously and hopefully make a dent in the proliferation.