Xmas

Today I did the second coat of paint in the bathroom.

Then I went to the nearby fitness center for a Lift n Pump class.

After lunch I read a little and then laid down and stared out the window for a good 2 hours, maybe a brief nap, mostly just low energy and quiet.

Then during dinner I finished a book I would definitely recommend.

After that I started painting the hallway. While I was painting I realized that while I thought I lost my best friend this year, she has actually been with me this entire time.

And she has a special treat planned for tonight.  She knows I have really been enjoying relaxing to ASMR videos.  My current favorite is LatteASMR. Usually I choose a 30 or 45 minute video.  However she has many long ones, including an hour and 40 minute "Winter Hibernation Clinic," so as a Xmas present

we are going to lay down and do nothing but listen to a relaxing voice, for potentially, 1 hour and 40 minutes tonight.  (Potentially, maybe I'll get my fill.)

What Happened to You? Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing

 

 

#1 - I'm going to house/cat sit for a friend this week.  However today I found out the cat is at the vet because there was blood in the stool/urine this AM. Obviously, this isn't a gratitude, however, I AM grateful if the cat is sick, that it presented before my friend left so that I am not trying to make decisions about a pet that isn't mine.  Been there and done that already thank you.

 

 

#2 - I got out for a short ski in the gorgeous conditions yesterday.  The snow was very wet/slow so despite being beautiful they weren't grooming much of the trails (they'd turn to slop).  Today the temps dropped though so the groomers were able to get out and I followed. It seems rare to me that the snow sticks on the trees for a couple days, usually it seems to fall off within a few hours.

 

#3 - As Co-Vid #'s go up I was thinking how I don't have any home tests, but recalled I heard the government is sending out more so I just signed up for some.

 #4 -  There are some papers etc. in a pile around this room that are bugging me and would literally take than 10 minutes to organize, and yet will I do it?  Sometimes I/we are so silly with what we put off.  But writing this was motivation and then I decided to look up a suggestion a friend gave on YouTube Dry Bar Comedy - and I listened while I picked up.

 #5 - I checked out both the book and the audio of What Happened to You? Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing. I've really been enjoying the audio as it is largely a conversation between Oprah and Bruce Perry, I tried to pick up in the book today where I'd left off listening and quickly thought, "nope", I'll wait to return to the audio.  Here are a few nuggets from my listening this week.

"Connectedness counters the pull of addictive behaviors.  It is the key." Bruce Perry MD

What Happened to You? Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing

"Your connectedness to family, community and culture is more predictive of your mental health than your history of adversity... Connectedness has the power to counterbalance adversity." Bruce Perry

"It's very difficult to meaningfully connect with, or get thru to someone, who is not regulated, and it's nearly impossible to reason with them.  This is why telling someone who is disregulated to 'calm down' never works...it's best if you can simply be present. If you do use words, it's best to restate what they're saying.  This is called reflective listening.  You can't talk someone out of feeling angry, sad or frustrated, but you can be a sponge and absorb their emotional intensity.  If you stay regulated, ultimately, they will catch your calm..." Bruce Perry

This reminds me of my/our first therapist telling me it's not my job to regulate my partner, it's the therapist's job.  And that I needed to look at my boundaries and codependency.

Yet we all do regulate each other at times so I'm still confused by this.  Is it just a matter of frequency?  If your partner relies on you to regulate then it's a problem?

Nourishment

#1- I may have had this one as a gratitude before.  I've been listening to it for a while.  Today I needed it again though and it brought some tears when I listened right before lunch, so I'll return to it.

#2 -  

#3 -

#4 - Those were new to me, but for some classics

#5 -

Do Not Stand For Too Long

 #1 - I'm not sure why this song makes me cry...the compassion?

#2 - "Do Not Stand For Too Long Before a Surface that Keeps Your Faults Hidden"- Rumi? 

 I've had this quote lodged in my head since I first heard it 20 years ago.  I thought it might be Rumi but I just tried to do a search and can't seem to find the author.  I was going to write about that in a reflective holiday letter I sent out, however the letter ended up coming out as a poem and that quote never made it in there.

I was thinking of it today as I would have liked to come home to a hug and a snuggle conversation on the couch.  I was quite sad about this earlier in the day.  However, by the time I got home I was feeling pretty content and though I knew I wouldn't be opening the door to a hug, I also know I wouldn't be opening the door to anger or someone in a bad mood.  (That isn't a comment in reference to anyone, rather simply the fact that we all have moods.  If you are living with other people you never know the energy of the house you'll walk into.)

So there is also a bit of peace in the home I walk into.

In that peace all ones faults can be hidden.

Sometimes it's nice to have a break from one's faults :).

#3- I had a job interview today for that job I mentioned debating applying for a while back.

This is why I wanted a hug, before and after, encouragement and comfort.

#4 - It went well, I have positive impressions of the people and think it would be a good fit.

#5 - After I went cross-country skiing for the first time this season.  I did this because

A. We just got our first good snowfall and tomorrow looks like much of it will melt.

B.  I knew after the interview it would be good to ground myself in my body and in some nature. It was sad at first, I miss having a partner who was such a lover of the outdoors in all seasons, even more than I am.  Most of my life I've cross-country skied alone, however this is something he and I regularly did together.

The trees were there as they always are, watching me ignore them, watching me watch the script constantly running in my mind.  Occasionally a moment of space breaking thru, when I'd see them

when I'd see things as they are

and they are alright.

Scrabble

 #1 - It seems the community center I joined might be more targeted to the senior crowd.  There are lots of classes for that age group.  Last week I found a Wed barre class that was more up my ally and so I went back for that today.

#2 - My aunt has an issue that she will not be able to fly in a few months if she doesn't get the new type of ID.  But she discovered in the last couple years that her middle name is misspelled on her birth certificate.  Today we requested and began some of the paperwork to get that corrected.

#3 - My brother drilled/hung my little fire extinguisher.

#4 - We also tested the emergency release on my garage door that he installed for if the power goes out.  It did not open easily, he's going to bring something tomorrow to work on that.

#5 - Playing the Scrabble game my friend's mom found for me at an estate sale for the first time with my brother and aunt. I did think about someone that would be nice to have at the table too, but I didn't dwell on it.

P.S. The first word "yerns" is not actually a word, so don't start using it :).

Taking Care

#1 - I was listening to something recently talking about women not liking their looks and/or accepting/embracing them.  I hadn't really thought about it before, but I realized some women (or people) exercise because they do not like their body. This thought is so sad to me because I can't imagine that exercise will change that.  I've heard plenty of stories of thin, thin women or beautiful women who think they are the opposite.  And it made me realize maybe part of the reason I've continued exercising over the years is that my primary motivation has nothing to do with looks.  "What did motivate me to start exercising?" I wondered.

Well, in high school every fall when soccer started the running would be so painful and I'd vow to not get so out of shape the next year. I'd have visions in my head of the work-outs I'd do. They remained visions until my junior year of high school, when I started to do some recorded video exercises in my basement over the winter.  Then when I went to college I was excited to take advantage of the free aerobics classes in the fitness center. "What was my motivation then?"  Thinking back it was how it made me feel.  It decreased stress and elevated my mood.

Instead of the guilt that often accompanies health choices, I think there is a lot of potential for just checking in more deeply.

"How will this make me feel?" Not just in the moment but afterwards. It's true that sometimes what feels good in the moment does not feel good afterwards. And what will feel good afterwards may not feel good in the moment.

This also reminds me of in college when they'd have brownies in the cafeteria.  I'd get excited and I'd be in the middle of eating one and already thinking about eating the next one. 

I started enforcing a rule for myself, I could only have the next brownie if I savored the first one. If I just gulped the first one? That's the end of dessert. But if I took my time, I could have another.

Of course that often led to the fact that once I really enjoyed the first one, I was more likely to be satisfied and not need/want another.

Anyway, this was a long tangent in just thinking that my wish for people is to find something in themselves that they can appreciate, like my hands right now deftly typing on this keyboard.  Or my wrists, which a few months ago, were really bothering me, but with some strengthening and stretching, have gotten much better.

#2 - This also made me think of dessert and reminded me I have a piece of cake in the fridge from my brother's neighbor's birthday party.  My brother said it was too sweet.  It is sweet but not as bad as I expected.

#3 - "Snarl" today's wordle which I got on the last guess.

#4 - I just put in the mail the document to add a Transfer on Death Deed to my condo.  Ever since my mom died and I learned how much simpler beneficiaries make everything, I've tried to add them to everything I can.  I hadn't filed one for the condo yet, but I got the document notarized last weekend and I put it in the mail today.

#5 - Finally in March of 2020 I wanted to do something special to honor writing daily gratitudes for 10 years. I found a women's retreat at a place I'd never been during that time that one of the aspects was gratitude.  "That's it," I thought.  

I signed up, however my dad died a couple weeks before the retreat so though I still went, it had a very different feel.  Here is a photo from that weekend.

This spring when I realized I would no longer be going on the Boundary Waters camping trip we had planned I asked, "What am I going to do this summer?"  I went to the retreat center's website and right in the middle of the summer there was a "Writing Thru Change" retreat. That's it.

 Each of the hermitage's has a name.  The first time I went they put me in "Freedom" which felt appropriate with my dad's soul freed from his body.

This summer I tried to request the one named, "Love" but that wasn't an option because a staff person was living in it.  So I chose St. Francis instead.  A hermit off in the woods, probably more appropriate.

Today I called and made a reservation for my 3rd visit.  It seems life is nudging me along and it wasn't until I started writing this that I realized the full extent of this.

Often I use my birthday as an excuse to do something with friends.  Even though it is a couple months away, this year I feel zero energy or initiative in that regard.

On top of that, my father always acknowledges birthdays by taking us out for dinner.  And of course this is no longer possible.

And Michael and the girls certainly won't be doing anything with me.

And my sister-in-law, brother, niece and nephew will all be in Japan.

So I wasn't thinking about all that when I made the reservation, I just saw a retreat during my birthday that appeals to me, based on Brene Brown's book Atlas of the Heart, and I signed up.

And as I was going thru the rustic hermitage options on the phone, for one reason or another they weren't working. Then I said, "Love?"  (I hadn't even been considering it because a few months ago a staff was living there) and the woman said, "Sure".

So my hope is my 3rd visit to this retreat center will be a happier one.  I don't know if that will be the case or not, but I do know I will be staying in Love.

Fortunate Miscommunication

#1 - I put over 50 items in the mail today.

#2 - I've been updating my address book with people I don't communicate with often. It's always a pleasant surprise when people are happy to send their new address to me. I'm not sure why since I would be happy if someone from my past asked for my current address.

#3 - I applied for a job.  It really stressed me out when I thought about it last week (just the indecision etc.) but then I let go and thought, "Jesus just apply and then don't worry about it."

#4 - GT's Kombucha was for sale which is my beverage treat.  There is a new fall flavor I haven't tried as well as a peach.

#5 - A month after I moved in my neighbor's toilet leaked in my place so my hall/bath has been partly torn up since then.  Insurance is sending me money (minus my deductible) and I told the remediation today that I had already purchased paint so they didn't need to do that since I was planning on painting those rooms.  They misinterpreted that I wanted to paint myself which was great because of course I would rather have whatever they were going to charge me and paint myself.  Originally I thought the insurance just paid them directly to fix it so I wouldn't have a choice.

Anyway, they have to send a new estimate without that and hopefully they will be honest about what they were going to charge for painting.  A fortunate miscommunication on my part.

If a Tree Falls in The Forest

 If a tree falls in the forest and there is no one there to hear it, does it make a sound?

I've been thinking quite a bit about that question recently.  If I have an experience and don't have someone at home to share it with, has it really happened?

This weekend I was on a short trip with the local outdoors club.  Even while in a relationship, I enjoyed doing things separately, so it didn't feel strange to be there alone. However, what feels strange is coming home and not having someone there to tell about it.

It was also tough when I dropped the woman off I carpooled with, because she lives very close to where I just moved from.  It seemed I was returning to our home and my body wanted to drive there.

It is helpful that he no longer lives there either.

And it is helpful, that though I felt a pang in my chest when I got to those streets, I have also really fallen in love with where I am currently living.  

Foremost the location, but slowly as I paint etc. the space itself too.

And the woman I carpooled with is an angel.

I met her at the camping weekend I attended with the same outdoors club last month.  She had just joined the group as a recent empty nester.  I kind of assumed she must be divorced, but soon she offhandedly mentioned being a widow and my heart broke.

From that we dove into a deep conversation.  We soon found we had much in common.  She not only lives in the neighborhood I just moved from, she also signed up for a monthly women's group at the yoga studio there.  The same group I had signed up with.  The group has 10 women and there we were at a completely unrelated event.

I emailed her a few weeks ago to see if she was going on this weekend trip because if she was I wanted to carpool with her.  She hadn't planned on it, but the nudge led to her signing up and just as I suspected the 2 hour car ride each way was full of engaging conversation.

 Her husband died 3 1/2 years ago and now her daughters are gone at college and her situation is very different than mine.  But the grief is still a place of connection and questioning and commiseration.

Like today I said, "How can one possibly decide to get in a relationship again knowing it will lead to loss?  The only way it will not lead to loss is if I die first.  Otherwise, we'll either break up or he'll die."

And I also know this means I'm getting older and these kinds of questions will become more and more prominent as loss visits all of our doorsteps.

So I didn't come home to tell anyone about my weekend.

But I did come back to a place I'm making more and more a home and did a little more painting in the bathroom.  And I'm not sure I like the color, but I am sure the fact that I'm not sure makes it an adventure.

And I started the day leading a yoga class, which I've done on occasion for this outdoors group.  The first time was in 2015 when a guy was leading a yoga class at a winter cross-country ski etc weekend. After about 20 minutes he said, "That's about all I remember."  I was flabbergasted that not only was he not a yoga teacher, but he could only remember 20 minutes but still volunteered to lead it.  (I on the other hand can remember enough for an hour, but I'm not a yoga teacher so would have never volunteered myself.)  But on that day I said, "I guess I can jump in."  And since then if I'm on a trip I sometimes get asked if I'll lead yoga.

Anyway, I get a little nervous as I'm not a yoga teacher, but today I actually felt as relaxed at the end of class as if I were a student.  I had some ideas for how I was going to start class, but after that I just moved slowly, and allowed enough space for each next stretch to come to me.  And everyone else seemed to enjoy it and were surprised I'm not a regular teacher.

And I just looked up two things I wanted to send my angel/carpool companion.

A. The poem Lost by David Whyte - which I partially recited for her on a hike.

B. A book recommendation which I'd like to share here too. I found it to be brilliant.

The Nine Lives of Rose Napolitano

by

Donna Freitas (Goodreads Author)

3.72  · 

Rating details ·  5,531 ratings  ·  913 reviews

A deeply moving novel about a woman who thought she never wanted to be a mother—and the many ways that life can surprise us...

A stunning novel about love, loss, betrayal, divorce, death, a woman’s career and her identity, The Nine Lives of Rose Napolitano is about finding one’s way into a future that wasn’t the future one planned, and the ways that fate intercedes when we least expect it.

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/54719851-the-nine-lives-of-rose-napolitano

Bike, Trees, Foam, Floor

 A long flat peaceful bike ride, much of which I did once before, back in 2014, the year before I met Michael. 

I thought of that woman on the bike ride, the last time the trees along the path saw her.  I thought about how much she enjoyed that bike ride that day, just like today.

Do you ever do that with trees?  Wonder if they remember you? I have never asked anyone that question.  I think they notice, not what I'm thinking, but how absorbed I am in my thoughts, meaning, do I even see them? 

I think they appreciate being seen.

My destination was a park where I want to camp next year on my annual camping trip with my friend, her kids and my niece and nephew.  Since it is nearby, I was on a reconnaissance mission to pick out campsites and to motivate myself to be active outside today.

When I got home I did a couple simple things I've been meaning to do...

A. Put some foam my brother gave me on the back of my garage door, because the trunk hits it when it opens.

B. Wash my kitchen and dining room floor for the first time.  

Basic cleaning hasn't happened as much as I'd like while still getting myself situated.

Wow I Don't Hear This in the Media - Thank you Trevor Noah

 

“Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing.”

― Arundhati Roy

The Last Neighbors

#1 -  I opened my blinds this AM to the magic of falling snow. I don't know if I've ever seen the trees with so many leaves and snow - beneath the white I could see the reds and yellows.  I do know I've never seen the view of snow at my new home.  And once again I'm infinitely grateful to have ended up in a place with a direct door to experience the outside.

#2 - I've had a lot of silence since moving in - I don't constantly have background noise or anything.  However, I'm only consciously said, "I'm going to sit here for 10 minutes," once since moving in, that was the night when my hallway was flooded and I was waiting for the plumber or the mitigation people.

Today the snow inspired me to, sit, and breathe and be.

#3 - The complex I live in is quite large, however my building itself only has 8 units.  One unit is for sale/empty.  But of the 6 other occupied units, I've met everyone with the exception of one unit.  

Today I saw someone putting notes on a couple cars' windshields in front.  I thought, "Maybe someone is moving in to the empty condo," because when I'd moved in I'd asked for those spaces to be blocked off for moving.  I also thought about how I've, on occasion, put affirmations or quotes on people's windshields.  I thought the guy who was doing it then came into my building, so then I assumed it was the guy upstairs I hadn't met.  Soon the sun beckoned me outside and I curiously peered at the notes on the cars.

To my chagrin they were not notes in the vein I'd expected but rather complaints which included name calling and swearing.  It was anonymous but sarcastically signed "Love Your Neighbors."

I was so shocked I instantly grabbed the notes and came back inside.

The note was pissed that 1 of the units in my building was using 2 of the unassigned spaces next to the building and not using their assigned space at all.  Thus far I've had positive experiences from my neighbors, and now my first interaction with the remaining neighbor was far from that.

It took me a while to calm down. 

After calming, I did a little research and tried to relate. I had to admit that I got annoyed when I first moved in at people using these unassigned spots just like the person who wrote the note.  First of all I don't mind a walk,

second of all it's nice to save places for guests

third of all, it's nice for the spaces next to the building to be open when I actually have a lot of groceries or something to unload.

Furthermore, every unit here has an assigned parking spot and some units have a garage.  But some units have more than 1 vehicle and may or may not have a garage.  I knew I could look up if this unit had a garage because it sold last Dec and was in my comps when I made the offer in the building.  I looked, and they don't have a garage and they seemed to have 2 vehicles

which means they need to use 1 of the unassigned spots.

Ok I could see how that would be annoying. 

 Still anonymous swearing and name calling?  And the 2 men the notes were intended for were elderly.  AND there were other residents in my building not using their assigned spaces and parking in unassigned spots, why didn't they get there notes?

What to do?

I certainly couldn't put the notes back, because then someone would think I placed them there.

If the person who wrote it thinks the neighbor read it, even though they haven't, they might start making up all these future stories based on that...

Should I just knock on their door and confront them about it?

How do I do that in a non-confrontational way?

Then do I become a target?

Thus far I've felt very safe in my building.  Then will I have to lock my door when I go down the hall to the laundry room or worry about my car if I park it outside or...

And then I thought of if it is this hard it is to put myself in potential "harm's way" for such a minor infraction, think of WWII.  

And why is this from the one unit I haven't met yet, this is why it's so important to form a relationship with my neighbors!

I decided if I knocked on the door besides being terrified, I'd probably fumble with what to say.  Maybe I could knock on the door and give them a note or leave a note.  Then I could express myself well and they'd have some time to let defenses down.

I started writing the note and really wished I could ask Michael's advice, someone who acts out angrily sometimes...

and in the middle of my note, he called with an unrelated question, "I'm not in the space to talk now," I said, "I've got a situation with my neighbor," and then I told him about it.  And he helped me finish drafting my note with some good advice.  We agreed I should knock and introduce myself and then give the note, because it's harder to be mean to people in person.

So I finished my note and with a bit of terror I knocked on my neighbor's door.

To my surprised the woman that lived there answered.  I said I'd moved in downstairs and was sorry I hadn't introduced myself yet, she seemed very relaxed and open and maybe knew nothing about it.  Or maybe I was mistaken that the person that lived in that unit left the notes.

Anyway, I finished my little intro and then said, "I think someone up here left a note on the cars out front and I have a note to leave."

And then I left and called Michael back and read the note again and said, "I'm not 100% sure it was them, I mean I think it was them but I want to read you this note again.  If it wasn't them I still didn't say anything hurtful did I?"

Here is my note.

If I was mistaken it seemed ok.

So then I went to make dinner.

Soon after I got a knock at my door.

I opened it and a nervous man stood there, introduced himself and 

APOLOGIZED.  He said he was glad I removed the notes, and they'd had some other issues with those neighbors, but that he knew I had just moved into the building and people here were nice and he was sorry and it was a Friday and...

I said, "I get it, we all lose it sometimes."  And then I said I had looked and seen they didn't have a garage and that I had a friend coming over tonight, but I usually park in my garage and don't use my parking spot so if it would be help if they needed it sometimes or...

And he said, "No no." And he was completely unthreatening and kind and none of the stories I was making up in my head about him.

And when I closed my door I burst into tears.

It could have ended so many other ways.

Watching the Pain Body

#1 -  I have seen how with time and distance there is more space in me, less triggering.  I have felt much less of a need to defend myself or explain myself, or even to be understood.  As Terry Real says, "Who is right or wrong - who cares?"

There is one thing that triggered me today though, "I do not feel that Tammy has the right to this grief."  Wow that one got the anger rising in me.  I wanted to make an instant phone call and state the boundary that no one has the right to tell me what I have the right to feel.

But I took a few breaths, and I know that I have the right to my grief

and that's all that matters.

#2 -  And in fact I'm so grateful for it.  As a child how I learned to respond to turmoil around me was freezing, shutting down.  And that has happened to me as an adult too.  Sometimes I become numb to life, numb to beauty, numb to pain.

I don't feel numb now and I'm not only grateful about that, I'm happy about it.

#3 - And I am feeling energized just being a feeling advocate.  Everyone has a right to their grief, and a right to their anger. (Believe me there have been plenty of times I've tried to tell people they don't have a right to be angry.  They don't have a right to take out anger on other people.  And anger is often a secondary emotion but still that is my issue.  That is my work, putting up enough boundaries that people can have their anger around me.)

Anyway, all this prompted me to order a book I've thought about owning for years.

The Book of Qualities by J Ruth Gendler 

Most books I'd prefer not to own, because once I read them I am not going to return to them.  But this is a book I could continually return to.  The characters are emotions and it is written with such whimsy and depth.  Here is a quote I pulled from the description on the Hennepin County Library web page

"Excitement wears orange socks, Faith lives in the same apartment building as Doubt, and Worry makes lists of everything that could go wrong while she is waiting for the train."

https://hclib.bibliocommons.com/v2/record/S109C3872299

#4 - This made me look up the author and request her other book the library has.

Notes on the Need for Beauty

#5 - And I've really been practicing recently - when I feel conflict - as seeing it as an opportunity, as training a muscle.  Sometimes I/we don't have energy for it,

but sometimes (today) I do.

 

Trying on Roles

 #1 - I've been single most of my life, so returning to that role is familiar, though living alone is a new aspect of it.

Other roles I've tried on - "Are those your kids?" (Question I was asked leaving the thrift store months back with Michael's daughters.)

"They are my partner's children." I replied, though the eldest later said when I asked that I could say, "Yes." 

At one point while living with them I had the thought, "I could become a grandparent."  If one of them had a kid I would be in their lives long enough at that point I would probably feel that way.  That was a possibility I had never before even considered and blew my mind a bit.

Those doors have closed, but then they open too.

Marriage - it is something I have mixed feelings about.  Obviously on one hand it's a dream. On the other hand I grew up seeing that dream as a nightmare.  And until same sex couples could marry I certainly had issues with my privilege with it.  Michael was clear he didn't want to marry again, so that was that.

But now who knows...

These things came to mind because I took Michael's youngest to horseback riding today.  He emailed to request if next month I'd switch the date I'm taking her.  And suddenly I was in the role of separated parents scheduling.  This is an extremely minor example, but I just had the taste of, "This is what that might feel like."

 #2 - And when I dropped her off, it was different.  I've taken her to horse back riding lessons dozens of time, and then we've driven home

together.

Today I dropped her off at her new home 

and then proceeded towards mine.

And I cried.

And I got groceries.

And I turned to the country radio station which I've found is the most likely one to have something to offer a heterosexual couple after a break-up. 

#3 - And as I pulled into my parking lot, it supplied a new artist and song to me that perfectly fit the bill.

 

 

#4 - Mike Posner's also got a new one -

"...This is a what a broken heart beats like

 It's tearing up my chest like a jackknife

But it gets me thru the good and bad times..."

#5 - I was just listening so I didn't see the reminder at the end until my 4th or so listen.

"Beginnings always hide themselves in ends.

KEEP GOING." 

Tomorrow is actually my blog post day, but I want to reflect a bit...

I still go to the dentist near my dad's house.  Until 2 years ago I'd just use it as an excuse to stop by and visit. He died the day before my dentist appointment in Feb of 2020.  I went to the dentist the next day as I didn't know what else to do. Then I went over to his house and cried.

Since then my dentist visits, especially the winter ones, are sad.

Today I was back for a cleaning.  This made my next appt not until April.  I got off the typical timing because when I was supposed to go this summer I had Co-Vid, and they didn't have another opening for a long ways out.  As I left today I thought about how not having a winter appointment anymore lessens the correlation with my dad's death.

Then I decided to stop by the nearby thrift store which was always my favorite as it has great finds.  Maybe there would be an end table I liked.  When I scanned the new store arrangement I saw, "Bath." Hmm, I'd never think to look there.  However, I just bought my fourth bath mat yesterday, and once again I am going to return it.  

My bath here was depressing at first because it feels like a motel.  However, the very happy shower curtain I found has helped.  The shower curtain is very colorful and none of the bathmats I try look right. 

I think the store had maybe 5 or so bath mats.  And this was what one of them said.

I actually started to cry seeing it, and am crying now looking at it. The color still might not be quite right, but it is better than the 4 I tried before, and at $4, cheaper than all of them as well.

 I don't know why exactly, but it feels like a reminder/gift from my father.  It doesn't have to make sense, but something in me understands.

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Also I finished listening to Part 2 today of Glennon Doyle's We Can do Hard Things podcast with Dr. Becky Kennedy.  And there were lots of quote worthy things.

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"I think kids end up listening to parents for two reasons, either they feel very connected to them and very kind of close to them, or they feel very fearful of them. And like you were saying, there are consequences to wiring fear next to love. Like there are, I could cry thinking about, there are a lot of consequences to that early on." Dr. Kennedy

"Like what?" Glennon

"Like the people we end up being attracted to later on, are the people who evoke that earliest attachment, so being fearful of someone, of someone having control over us, someone dictating who we are and what we want, our body's like, 'I know how to do this, this is what love is.'" Dr. Kennedy

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"Regulation preceeds empathy.  It's always a prerequisite. You have to regulate your distress before you have empathy for someone else.  We know this, whenever we are overwhelmed with feeling, none of us have any empathy for anyone in those moments, because we're disregulated." Dr. Kennedy

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"Having someone who is perfectly attuned to your needs sets you up to be looking for a partner who is always perfectly attuned to your needs, like that's not a good set up, right? Actually I think that speaks to what we are saying here, which is, the process of like misattunement and repair. Like, oh you got that wrong about me and that didn't feel good. Or you did this thing and I didn't like it. 

Repair I actually think is the single most important parenting strategy, like I always think it is the thing we should get really good at.  Which is both hearing from our kids about the things they are mad about and proactively saying some version of, 'I'm sorry and that was me not you," for the things we know, we find we were reactive around...Repair it always matters.  It's what starts that rewiring process." Dr. Becky Kennedy

"Yes because you say that going back to your kids and repairing and saying, 'What I did was not acceptable,' you are teaching them to expect that love looks like when they are treated poorly, love looks like circling back to repair that, that is an inherent, invaluable part of love." Amanda Doyle

"Yes, yes, right that love isn't perfect.  It's not the absence of misattunment. It's not the absence of conflict, but also when we don't repair with our kids. This is always what spurns me...if that experience registers in that kid's body, 'Oh well I got yelled at that was scary," whatever it was. If I don't repair, kids really only have two ways of explaining distress to themselves, when they don't have a narrative, a coherent narrative for a parent and it's self-doubt or self-blame, right? Self-doubt is, 'Maybe I overreacted to that. That wasn't a big deal. If that really happened someone would have talked to me.' And then that looks like an adult like, 'Am I overreacting, would someone else have reacted this way, would all my friends?" That's self doubt. 

Self-blame is, 'If I was only a better kid that would have never happened. It's my fault. Somethings wrong with me.  I'm too much. I'm not enough.' And if we wonder why adults are, such prevalence wiring for self-blame and self-doubt, it's cause in those moments it's what we were left with...

You know we can really help our kids, and we can help ourselves too. The first step to repair is repairing with yourself.  Before you go saying to your kid, 'I'm sorry for yelling,' you have to say to yourself, 'I'm a good parent who yelled.' There right?  'I'm a good parent who yelled,' that does not define me. In fact I have an opportunity, as soon as my body calms a little bit, and I feel a  little bit of a release, and I find that goodness inside me. I'm going to go to my kid and I'm going to do something."

Dr. Kennedy

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"That's why parents get so fragile.  That's why anyone gets fragile, because they think their goodness is under attack.  When our goodness is under attack our body shuts down from an evolutionary animal defense state."

Dr. Kennedy

 How to Raise Untamed Kids with Dr. Becky KennedyWe Can Do Hard Things with Glennon Doyle

What Hurts the Most

#1 -  I had a few lines in my head this morning, 

"What hurts the most, 

was being so close 

and having so much to say, 

then watching you walk away..."

I typed those lines in and landed on the song -

 

#2 - Having a job where I can sit at my desk and cry.

#3 - Where did that come from?  That song is 12 years old and not one I ever paid attention to.  And yet, today, thru the ethers it traveled into my heart.

What would we do without artists?  Seriously if we (and that means me too) spent more money supporting the arts and less on weapons and things we throw away, it really doesn't seem like it would take that much to have a new world.

 

 

 

#4 - I love the first wall I painted in my place, it seemed the most risky, dark and dramatic.  I planned for it to be an accent wall.  But the other walls, they didn't really work before or after I started my second color.  I sent my friend a couple photos and she agreed it was abrupt and that is why she doesn't like accent walls.  

Some accent walls look great, this didn't.  So I'm about to go buy another can of paint and make the whole room the dark color.  I'm hesitant about this too. My cousins are coming to visit this weekend, and hopefully help with some painting.  But I wanted to make progress first on the room they are sleeping in so it could air out a bit.  I sent my cousins the picture of what I'm dealing with and one responded.

"I think a dark room is so relaxing, love it!"

Alright that is the encouragement I needed. 

 

 

 

#5 - Today's podcast listen - Breaking Cycles & Reparenting Yourself with Dr. Becky KennedyWe Can Do Hard Things with Glennon Doyle

"I believe you.  These are the three most important words to say to a kid.  I believe you." Dr. Becky Kennedy.   

"Boundaries answer, "Am I safe?' Validation and empathy I could cry as I think about this, I think answer a kid's question, 'Am I real? Am I real? Do the things that I feel inside me that have no markers in the outside world, are they real?'" Dr. Becky Kennedy

"I really believe a kid's job in their earliest years is to feel and experience, their entire range of emotions, like that's actually their job." Dr. Becky Kennedy

"The more intense our attachment with someone, the more intensely they are going to trigger the same circuits from our earliest love/attachment relationship."  Dr. Becky Kennedy

"We look to shut down in others, what we had to shut down in ourselves, that's the trigger moment." Dr. Becky Kennedy

"Whenever you are triggered by somebody, don't try to shrink the thing in the other person, try to grow the thing in yourself."  Dr. Becky Kennedy

This is an obvious one to me.  I am triggered by other people's anger.  Bingo, I need to grow some anger in myself.  

The assignment at the end of the episode was to complete this sentence, "I'm a good person who____."

I'm a good person who shuts down and disconnects sometimes from people I love.