Thursday, April 27, 2017

The Mask You Live In





#1 - How do you feel when you leave the doctor?  I usually feel drained, even when I'm healthy and I can say the right things like,  "No I don't smoke.  Yes I exercise."

Today, I went back to the doctor that I had surgery with last fall.  I still have a couple concerns.  She said she wasn't happy I was back but it was good to see me.  I felt the same.  She is the definition of a true healer.  I share things in her presence and naturally expand into my vulnerability.  She is always reassuring and empathetic.  When I leave her office I feel confident, cared for and safe.

She is the definition of a true healer.

#2 - It seems one of my concerns today might have a simple solution.  The other she suggested an ultrasound for, but I explained my insurance changes in two days and I don't think their clinic will be an option for me anymore.  I guess she isn't too concerned on that concern, because she didn't press me on the ultrasound and just dealt with the other issue.

#3 - The Mask You Live In - a movie recommended by a friend, recommended by Pink and now recommended by me

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hc45-ptHMxo

#4 - A college age football player dressed in all his gear except his helmet, with a violin across his shoulder and a smile across his face

#5 - Watching The Mask You Live In with my head against a man's heart

Thursday, April 20, 2017

I Forgot to Post

I forgot to post yesterday. I did still write in my journal so they are a bit raw and without explanation.  I'll mostly leave them that way.

#1 - The sound of "Hello" on the phone during lunch.  It made all the difference but also points to how precarious things are.  I found some useful information on helpguide.org.  We'll see what the counselor says tomorrow.  I hope to find relief for my experience of being "idealized one moment and then suddenly believing the person doesn't care enough or is cruel."

#2 - The silence on the phone when I said it seemed when he hurts me I assume it's unintentional or because he is really hurting in himself.  It seems his assumption when I hurt him is either I'm intentional, stupid or cruel.   I don't want to date someone who has such assumptions about me and he shouldn't either.  He was silent.  I was in touch with my primary emotion of anger a bit today which felt good.

#3 - Oh my God, I'm at the DFL senate district meeting.  I came to hear from the legislators and they are debating about how to hold a meeting - kill me softly - oh wow, keepin it light as I write my gratitudes in my journal.  Deep breaths, smiles, room of light.  Now Paul Thissen is talking and I can breathe.

#4 - Three friends are interested in joining me in Sept on a camping trip on the North Shore, looks like either Temperance or Judge C Magney.  Three of us have agreed on a weekend now we just need confirmation from the 4th that it will work.

#5 - Talking to my representative after the meeting to get H.F. info on a bill which will remove the $500,000 per year  storage fee which Excel has been paying per cask of nuclear waste.  The money has gone into a funding stream to develop alternative energy, such as the wind power in SW MN.  It's in HF 2209 the Omnibus Jobs and Energy Bill.  My representative said much of what is happening nationally is happening on a state level.  The gratitude might be hard to find here, but it was that I'm happy my state legislator was disturbed this was being removed and had helped establish it in the first place.

Tuesday, April 11, 2017

Dave and Amy Freeman



I went to hear Dave and Amy Freeman, a couple who spent a year in the Boundary Waters Canoe Area from 9/24/15-9/23/16 to bring publicity to protect the space from copper sulfide mining, speak tonight.  It is heart-warming to be in the presence of everyday heroes such as those two, especially two people who clearly enjoy each other, it emanates outward.

When Amy spoke about leaving civilization she said that they didn’t leave the real world, “We entered the real world.”  and that “We need everyone to speak loudly for this quiet place.”

I’m thankful to my friend who invited me to go.  I wasn’t sure if I had the energy for it tonight, but it was an event that pulled me out of my own narrow story and into a more expansive and generative one.

Monday, April 3, 2017

It's so cold

#1 - It's not cold but I couldn't get warm when I got home at 9pm last night and I buried myself in blankets so that I woke up sweating.  It still feels cold.  I don't feel well today and I'm so glad I can easily shift my plans for tonight and just curl up in bed after dinner.

#2 - I'm also glad I had enough energy to start putting together the minestrone soup which is simmering right now - it's the perfect meal for today.

#3 - I couldn't have imagined when I came across Glennon Doyle Melton last fall how instrumental her voice would be to me.  I listened to another interview today with her talking about Love Warrior

"What matters to me is that there is this voice inside of me, it's inside of every single one of us, that is if we are honest and still enough will tell us what to do next.  And every time we say we don't know what to do - or whether we should stay or go, we are not being honest, we just don't want to do the thing that the voice is telling us to do...there is this betrayal that happens when we hear the still small voice but allow the fear voice to drown it out...the book is about self-trust."  Glennon Doyle Melton

Yes I agree that is what the book is about and it is waiting for me at the library to read again.

#4 - I see my soccer game on Sunday is not only posted for our first game of the year outdoors, it is also in a new park to me, at least I've never played soccer there.

#5 - My Bed
I'm grateful to have a bed with blankets and pillows.  
I'm grateful to have a small light beside my bed 
that can lightly illuminate the room.  
I'm grateful it's quiet here
tonight
I'm grateful to have a pink stuffed bear 
that doubles both as a great pillow prop for reading 
and also something to hold when I need it
I'm grateful to have A Year with Rilke beside my bed
which I usually both start and end my day with
or at least end my day with
if I forget
I'm grateful
to not be afraid
when I climb into this bed
of bombing
or gunfire 
or the silence between
I'm grateful for nourishment
in soup
in comfort
I'm grateful to be here
breathing 
this beautiful mess
for a moment
it's enough

Sunday, March 26, 2017

Good-Bye

#1 - My niece's instant smile and happy face when she awoke beside me, the land of the living her simple presence nudges me to return to.

#2 - "When you are 6 can you spell?"  5 Year old niece

#3 - Seeing a smile of joy on the face of a boy playing chess.  He sat across from a man, who seemed to be someone other than his father (at least they didn't look alike), at the public library.

#4 - Last night I rested my head against a heartbeat and heard "Good-bye," "Good-bye" repeated over and over again. It wasn't angry, it just was.  I tried to switch the word in my mind but it was as if the heartbeat and that exact word were equivalent, it wouldn't change.  I didn't really know what it meant, is it good-bye to this person?  Good-bye to me?  Good-bye to what we were?  Good-bye to who we are now?

I still don't know.  But I did write a long poem of sorts today, each line beginning, "You said good-bye to me when..."

It needed to come out.

#5 - Taking a quick nap after writing that poem and the space in myself when I awoke again.

Saturday, March 18, 2017

Shower?

#1 –I didn’t shower Thursday even though I did a sweaty exercise class.  I thought about showering last night (I’d also done some sweaty exercise yesterday), but I planned to go to  7:15AM hot yoga class so I would be drenched in sweat practically as soon as I woke up.  I thought, “What is the point?”

When I left yoga this morning, I was glad I’d brought a t-shirt which I switched for my soaked tank top.  Then I went grocery shopping.

Then I took a shower, which I actually really needed, so I appreciated it all the more.

#2 - This made me curious about how often people shower throughout the world so I looked it up and skimmed the article below.  It had this interesting tidbit which I actually often practice, but previously would never have admitted to anyone -

"When you do shower, use soap only on your underarms and groin area, not your entire body"

http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2015/03/07/daily-showering.aspx 

Also I have been meaning to replace my shower filter for a while and hoped to remember to buy a new one at the co-op next week.  This article clearly reinforced that idea.

#3 -   Doing some research for someone I love to help them find support.   We all need support. 

"It doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you," I reminded this love one recently.  "We are social beings, EVERYONE needs help."  It was clearly something they needed to hear.
 
#4-5 - When I invited a couple friends to go hear Glennon Doyle Melton speak last fall, one of them declined since Glennon’s blog is called “Momastery” and this friend didn’t have children.  I understood this and had doubts myself, but Elizabeth Gilbert recommended her and it was free, so I went.

What I discovered is the same thing I discovered as I finished reading her first book today– Carry on Warrior, Thoughts on Life Unarmed – it didn’t matter if I related to the particulars.  I once heard at a theater performance, “The more deeply you go into the personal, the more you tap into the universal.”  This is why I could read a passage about talking to another parent at a playground to a college student last night and she appreciated it, even though she is at a completely different stage in life.  As Glennon states, “And I realized the secret of my writing is this:  the voice I use to write is not really my voice.  It’s Love’s voice…And that’s why you recognize the voice.  Because you have the same voice inside you (251).”

Friday, March 10, 2017

Today's Mandala


#1 - Today's Mandala was inspired by some colored pencils I came across which had some new colors to play with.

#2 - I had a moment of anxiety while working on my taxes when I thought I'd made a mistake the past few years.  I called and patiently waited on hold for over an hour (with other things to do on the computer).  Then I happily discovered that I had not made an error.

#3 - I started reading Glennon Doyle Melton's first book yesterday and I'm trying to pace myself because I don't want to finish it too rapidly!

#4 - I'm playing a game, with the man I used to date, where we pretend we don't know each other.  It was an idea I was resistant too, but now is making me laugh.  I am almost nervous to meet him tomorrow and to see if I can keep it up.

#5 -  I asked a yoga teacher who I know is also a personal trainer about my abs because they are not normal since my surgery.  She said the superficial muscles have healed but it takes more time for healing internally (that surprised me because it is difficult to feel things internally, but that is how I would describe it).  She advised me exercises to do (which I have been mostly) and not do (which I should have known sooner but thankfully aren't things I've done often).