A Few Hours

*I worked at my dad's today - a few hours at my work on the computer and also going thru files. My first step has just been to recycle paper. I'm not making any decisions about what to keep, just getting rid of what is obviously irrelevant, the easy stuff.

*The sun was shining brightly and I laid on the floor in its rays after sitting there to eat my lunch. I then slept on the floor for about a half hour.

*I see the evidence of mice has diminished which is a relief. I put out poison first, because that is what my dad had on hand. Then we've added some traps. I definitely believe the instant death is more humane, but it is also a relief not to face it with the poison. I am not proud of this and know the poison can have additional consequences up the food chain.

*My dad has a bunch of "letters" folders and I guess I shouldn't be surprised to see mine was the largest. I only barely looked what was in there, but I found a few things. A couple notes of things I was asking him to consider in his behavior (one was about him yelling at his mother - he was yelling at her because he didn't want her to climb on stools etc in her old age, but I didn't think Grandma was getting the message he was saying these things because he loved her). My evidence/info for trying to advocate for studying abroad in college, how much it would cost etc. And a few notes that had a bunch of thank yous to my dad. This made me the most happy. I'm not sure what percentage of notes in there contain gratitude, but I'm glad to see they exist.

*I have not listened to this yet, but knowing it's Esther Perel I would be surprised if it isn't meaningful.

https://whereshouldwebegin.estherperel.com/episodes/couples-under-lockdown-italy

Questions

#1 - I went cross-country skiing on the manufactured snow they had for the World Cup race that was cancelled. I looked yesterday and saw they have closed the building, so aren't requiring passes, but the course is open for another week or so. It was weird because everything was brown all around (bare ground) except the ski trail. It was pretty empty too, but good to be outside.

#2- We are going to try my writing group online with Zoom tomorrow - I need that.

#3 - I did a little reading and found you aren't supposed to put mouse traps out with your bare hands because your scent gets on the trap. Note to self.

#4 - Going thru one bin at my dad's - I tell myself every time I come over, to just do a little bit.

#5 - Writing that sentence made me cry. I'm sitting here and it is peaceful and quiet - just the hum of the refrigerator. I need to find and create time for that peace and quiet, that space to feel and when it comes to grieve. The sadness hasn't overtaken me. It did initially, but then it ebb and flowed.

Can we find the quiet spaces in this sea of anxiety?

Can we reach deeper?

Can we connect under pressure instead of simmer and boil?

Can the stillness outside find some stillness inside?

Can we dance?

Can we dance?

5 Years Later

I read over the service I've written for my dad, which is this weekend. I keep thinking it is done, but today I decided it definitely is not done, though I can't say for certain yet what is missing. I need some undisturbed writing time which I should be able to do in the next few days.

I'm really grateful how much my brother and I have been in agreement about the service. He isn't usually big on verbal compliments to me, but today in a planning email he wrote, "You're the best."

My brother said my niece might want to share a quote or something too at the service, she's 8! I can't imagine wanting to do that when I was her age.

I sent a few friends a photo from last weekend, I was on the cross-country ski trip, the same weekend five years ago, that I met Michael and his girls. My friend replied, "What prompted the group photo when you had just met?"

I replied,

"We were a small group doing the orienteering course and Michael came upon another small group and asked someone to take a photo (meaning him and the girls). I moved to get out of the way but he said, "No the whole group". So we have it."

I thought that was the whole story all these years, but I just asked Michael, "Why didn't you just ask me to take a photo of you and the girls?"

"I wanted you to feel a part of the team."

"But why did you ask another group, why didn't I just take a photo of you and the girls?"

He replied, "It wasn't totally innocent. You never wondered about that before?"

"Well I thought maybe you just didn't want to ask me to take the photo."

"No I wanted you in the picture."

There is a bunch of stress on a worldwide scale right now so I'll send a little reminder a friend sent that helps me breathe.

http://www.quoteambition.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/encourage-be-gentle-quote.jpg

Ten Years

Yesterday I completed 10 years of writing daily gratitudes (most of them in my journals).  There have been a few days I've forgotten - or in the recent case of shock of my dad's death - skipped.  But I still in that case - said them in my head - and I always wrote them down the following day.

Over the weekend I went on a retreat to celebrate this milestone.  I wanted to acknowledge it in some way and when I found a retreat where one of the activities was "nature gratitude journaling" I signed up.  That activity in itself was pretty normal/not a big deal for me, however the woman who ran the gratitude journaling started crying when I told her that is the reason I was there.

What I ended up being surprised by was henna.  I had no particular interest in henna, and even considered skipping the session.  However it ended up being my favorite part of the structured workshop.  She talked about symbolism and I started sketching all these symbols that are currently meaningful for me.  I wanted a symbol for gratitude, but that seems to be woefully lacking in our culture. 

Then I wanted a symbol for my dad.  The first thing that came to mind was a foundation.  But how do you draw that - a square slab?  Then I thought of a compass, because I'm just beginning to realize what a moral compass he's been to me.   I wanted a heart to symbolize love of course.  And I wanted my word of the year in there too - which is "Surfacing" which also has similar symbolism to Aquarius which is when both my father and I were born.  Luckily during, the nature journaling time I interviewed a leaf and the leaf suggested a cursive, "G" for my gratitude symbol, which also could stand for "Grandpa" since my dad loved being a grandpa.  So I told all these things to the woman doing the henna and this is the result.

*I'm grateful to be able to share this with someone who will read it.

*I opened a checking account today so I can have a separate place to keep track of expenses for my father.

*I'm grateful a woman whom grew up across the street and I consider to be a little sister emailed me because of my dad's death.  I haven't heard from her in over 10 years and didn't even think the email I had for her worked anymore.

*I've had pain or maybe depression in my life, that came over me like a dark blanket and covered my days.  I don't feel that now.  Tears come often enough, yet I'm still able to smile and see beauty and sleep and eat and function.  At least at this layer, who knows what lays below.

 *Some of my dad's friends have been writing me sweet messages/memories.  This one is my favorite

"Our Prayers and thoughts are with you and we know that your Dad is already working on any electrical issues needed to be addressed in Heaven."