Yummi Lunch, Library, Dancing Principal

• Surprisingly yummi lunch - carrots and cauliflower dipped in homemade hummus (not made by me), a salad of greens, peppers, tomato, mushroom, baked tofu and a simple dressing, a little Cheddar popcorn (from the store) and a clementine.

• School has been cancelled the last couple days because of a snowstorm and then extreme cold.  When my partner's kids walked in the house I suspected they might be cranky after being home/around each other so much the past few days but they were both happy.  The oldest said her sister was helping her go thru her clothes.  I told them I was working in my new temporary office in the basement and the youngest asked if she could help.  (She thought I was doing some work cleaning or straightening the basement I guess and was ready to jump in).
• I just finished a book about the Dalai Lama and it mentioned a photographer that has photographed him for years. I went to my library website to request his book but they didn't have it.  I decided to suggest they buy it and while doing this I realized that there was a record in the system of the three previous suggestions I'd made.  There was a note that the title would be ordered, for all 3!
• I looked and they are all in the system, one I already read, one I just requested, and the third I originally suggested because, "This book is 10 years old but still has 24 people waiting for 3 copies of it and it has been this way for over a year! The library could use more copies."  I checked and now there are 10 people waiting for 9 copies.

• A video of a principal of an elementary school in China leading hundreds of students in a shuffle dance...  This makes me smile again and again.

https://www.instagram.com/p/Bs55sl7D8Na/

Pieces Here and There

Two friends who were hesitant about spending a night in a camper cabin in the middle of January, (because you have to go outside to a separate building for water and the bathroom) did just fine.  It was because of this in fact, that all three of us saw the 'blood moon' - a total lunar eclipse- last night. 

This morning we sat around reading, while the wind rocked the pine trees out the window.  I had the urge to do a 10 minute meditation and found it perplexing that I felt self-conscious at the thought.  I knew neither of these friends would be judgemental, and yet it was out of the norm for me to sit in a room with friends and meditate while they did something else.  I did eventually do so, and of course it was perfectly fine.

My friend was able to figure out how to lock the camper cabin from the outside so we could leave the key in the drop box, something I'd been unable to do myself when I tried previously.

I was dropped off at my partner's house, and I planned to bus home from there.  But I didn't really feel like it.  I have enough clothes packed and my computer over here to work, so I decided to just stay.  I think my partner is pleased by this, though he has not yet found the right words he says, to express how he's feeling.

Also my sister-in-law teaches a zumba class once a week which I've wanted to check out for the past few months.  So maybe I'll use the excuse that I'm over here and need an exercise option to finally go.

Unmet Need

My partner and I have been discussing some painful patterns and today we had, what seems to me, a bit of an epiphany.  We both are aware of John Gottman's the Four Horsemen - Contempt, Criticism, Defensiveness and Stonewalling - and try to catch them, ideally in ourselves, but also in each other.  Today we realized that sometimes I let criticism go. If we are in a hurry, or my partner is stressed or under pressure and says a small criticism to me, I might just ignore it.  Or in some instances I don't want to get into an argument or defend myself, so I'll just let it go.  I'm not sure if this is Thich Nhat Hanh, but I recall him saying, "Let it go, and if you can't let it go, then you have to communicate about it."

So I assumed that if I could let the criticism go and wasn't hanging onto any hurt, we could move on.  Or we could just discuss it later when we were both in a better place.  I thought by letting the hurt go if it was small enough that it didn't stick with me, that I was helping our relationship.

What I didn't realize or connect, was how that criticism is a cover for hurt.  And that hurt doesn't just go away if it doesn't get acknowledged.   If I don't address that initial criticism, allow it to be seen and validated, then sometimes it grows into something that CAN NOT be ignored.

And often once it can't be ignored, it now has so much energy behind it that I am unable to listen.  I become defensive and seemingly don't care about the hurt.  (And in a way I don't because at that point I'm often hurt too.)

By avoiding hearing the small criticism, I am setting myself to have to hear a bigger one later.

This is so obvious that I feel both ridiculous and grateful for the discovery.  I know a teacher with good classroom management doesn't let the small things go.  I know a parent that is teaching a child to be respectful doesn't let small disrespects go.  So why do I think I am doing anyone a favor by ignoring my partner when he says something critical to me?  When I point out criticism to him, he usually is quick to be reflective.  It's my part that is missing here and not letting criticisms go unnoticed just because a situation is rushed or stressful is a change I look forward to implementing - in all aspects of my life.

“Every criticism, judgment, diagnosis, and expression of anger 

is the tragic expression of an unmet need.” 

 Marshall Rosenberg

Little Ones Love

I spent lots of time with children I love today.  It began with waking up next to my niece and bringing her to Japanese school.  Then I stayed in Japanese school with my 3 year old nephew for his first hour.  I learned that he loves to play and decorate with scotch tape.  Forget stickers or crayons, he just wants to keep pulling, more and more tape.  When we finished that activity we used the cardboard paddle he was supposed to be decorating to hit a balloon I'd toss in the air.  He was captivated, focused and confident.  It was really fun to get a glimpse into this part of their world.

Later I brought my partner's two daughters to a personal shopping appointment at the thrift store as their Christmas present.  I've wanted to try this myself for a number of years but always give up because the appointments are all taken.  When the personal shopper opened the fitting room filled with clothing in the sizes and preferences that we'd sent her, it was really quite beautiful.  Both children said they'd never had that much success before at a thrift store.  The 10 year old dutifully folded up the clothing she had selected and had already added it up to the dollar amount allotted her.  She actually even had a little to spare which she generously offered her sister.  The 13 year old was a bit over her dollar amount so had to pare down a bit or chip in herself.  She did both, including deciding that a $10 sweater was too much.