Friday, July 29, 2016


I spent the day alternating between being annoyed and grateful. My younger cousins have wanted to come visit this summer, and were bummed to wait until the end of July. I got my work done so I was free all day and they planned to arrive "early" which was 10 or 11AM. This morning I spoke to the youngest at 10AM and she asked, "What are we going to do?"

"Play tennis."

"If we are just going to play tennis, why do we have to come early?"

First of all, they wanted to come. Second of all I knew it was pointless to plan anything else today, because who knew when they'd arrive?

On the other hand - these are all the things I got done while waiting for them. Two loads of laundry on the line, made homemade broccoli/cheese soup (which I hope they'll like), made a pasta dish, baked a tofu-fruit dessert (I've been meaning to do that for a while), did a little farmer's market prep, packed my lunch for the market tomorrow, took a 30 minute nap, made a grocery list and had some quiet time to myself which I thought would be lacking this weekend.

#2 - I started the morning with a 15 mile bike ride. I took a slightly different neighborhood street where it is boring because it is so familiar. I also left a little later than I planned, but I was almost positive that if I was back by 10AM that would still be ok for my cousins. Clearly it was.

#3 - Have gained perspective and can really see the alternate point of view. The sweet man and I had a serious conversation last night. "Do you think this should be so hard?" he asked me. Today I reflected that it is not often that I truly can understand someone else's point of view (that was different than mine and led to conflict), and now I can see how we both made incorrect assumptions and were less than helpful the past couple weeks.

#4 - I did at least get to play tennis with my 17 cousin which is what I most wanted to do this weekend. She said I'm good which is nice to hear since I haven't play for two years, last year my shoulder was bothering me. She beat me, but I kept up. She also instantly moved to another court when a woman came to hit against the side board. I appreciated the courtesy she demonstrated.

#5 - My brother got upset at me that my cousins were arriving there late since he has little kids and they are sleeping there. I really tried to stress to my cousins to come as early as possible today, I don't know what more I can do. Yes, I could have skipped the tennis match, but I'm working tomorrow and I wanted to spend some time with them. At least I tried to be empathetic on the phone, and he didn't escalate. Sometimes though I think life would be easier if I didn't try to plan things, or just included less people. I don't know.

Thursday, July 21, 2016

Pain Body and Roses

The pain body found you
the pain body's here
you recognize its presence
you recognize the fear

The pain body comes
the pain body goes
you watch it rise up
you watch how it flows

You greet it, you meet it, you know it your friend
one that haunts you, taunts you
it will not bend

The time is twirling
the space is now
and you are listening
listening somehow

You feel it swirling, dive in for a bend
you ask it a question, it tries to pretend
but whatever it tries
you do not end

you are shining
you are whole
you are complete
you are soul

A soul with a presence
a soul beyond name
a soul holding space
a space that remains

"All I know is my flesh and bones
Don't feel like home. Don't feel like home."

The Fergies

Watch the heart contract

watch the heart open

watch the heart beat

thump, thump, thump

Wednesday, July 13, 2016


Well, my day started with a bit of what I'd describe as a panic attack, that is a self-defined label. It is, unfortunately, familiar to me as it happened three times before, at least five years ago. Long enough that I don't really remember when, but I do recall the feeling and just the inkling that it may happen again is enough to start a wave of fear in me. I feel closed in and trapped and need to get to an open space, though even outside is not enough. Today I went to Eckhart Tolle for help and landed on this clip (#1). I tried to follow his advice, though it didn't seem to help. I still don't know that it did, the fear would come in waves, I'd be fine, then I wasn't, then maybe it's nothing, then it isn't. Eventually a slight smile came on my lips I knew it was over (#2).

The only way that I know Tolle may have helped (#3) is that I felt less fear of this happening again afterwards instead of more (like I usually would). I also felt an unexplicable surge of strength.

I also received an email today from a friend who went to a memorial service for a co-workers's son's suicide. Today I was in a greater space of empathy for what could lead someone to do that (#4), not just intellectually, but feeling a need to escape.

A new/recent Mraz (#5) song - My Own Shit

Everybody got a little bit of their own
I've got voices inside
and I've got fears I still hide
I'm gonna break down sometimes
cause I got tears I must cry
I've got wrongs I get to right
Truth be told I've told some lies
I've got friends I've got to find
and I still need to apologize

We've only got this one life
Me, I want to see it through your eyes
Please try to see it through my eyes
Everybody's got, everybody's got, everybody got, their demons
Everybody got their reasons
Everybody goes through seasons
Trying to hold on
Everybody got their own shit
Everybody's got to own it
Everybody's got those hardships
no you're not alone
I've got my own

See I've had to fall apart
To see what I had inside
Pull myself together and give it one more try
Parents getting older
I gotta pull them closer,
cause I've got to get some closure
And let them know that everybody's got

Everybody gotTheir demons
Everybody got their reasons
Everybody goes through seasons
Trying to hold on
Everybody got their own shit
Everybody's got to own it
Everybody's got those hardships
You're trying to let go of
I've got my own

You name it, I've done it
I stole a heart and broke it
Can't change it
Can't help it
I've got to let it go

Everybody got their own shit
Everybody's got to own it
Everybody's got their hardships
no you're not along
I've got my own
I've got my own

Cause I can't stop now

Tuesday, July 5, 2016

Glimpses of Quetico

#1 - Once a week they offer free across the lake swims (with lifeguards) in Minneapolis. I planned to go today but there were thunderstorms forecast this evening. My disappointment turned to a fun jog in the rain with the sweet man.

#2 - It was extremely humid when we began the jog, then the wind picked up and we felt a cool gust of wind.  I love storms when I have a safe home to return to and it was fun to be out in it, to splash in the puddles, to feel the rain change, with some googles I would have been completely fine as the water did start to sting my eyes a little.

#3 - We came back and the storm picked up and instead of driving home in it, I looked at the photos from Michael (the sweet man's) solo Quetico canoe trip this spring.  These are a few of my favorite.

#4 - Come to think of it I remember driving through Quetico when I was in college and thinking, "I need to come back here some day."  I haven't told the sweet man that  yet, but I know he'd be excited to hear it and take me.

#5 - Michael mentioned yesterday that he planned to go to a music festival we had talked about before. He hadn't asked me because I didn't sound excited. I said I was working at the farmer's market that day, but maybe could switch. I thought about it more today though and decided I really don't want to go. When I told him he said, "I was kind of looking forward to going by myself."