Unmet Need

My partner and I have been discussing some painful patterns and today we had, what seems to me, a bit of an epiphany.  We both are aware of John Gottman's the Four Horsemen - Contempt, Criticism, Defensiveness and Stonewalling - and try to catch them, ideally in ourselves, but also in each other.  Today we realized that sometimes I let criticism go. If we are in a hurry, or my partner is stressed or under pressure and says a small criticism to me, I might just ignore it.  Or in some instances I don't want to get into an argument or defend myself, so I'll just let it go.  I'm not sure if this is Thich Nhat Hanh, but I recall him saying, "Let it go, and if you can't let it go, then you have to communicate about it."

So I assumed that if I could let the criticism go and wasn't hanging onto any hurt, we could move on.  Or we could just discuss it later when we were both in a better place.  I thought by letting the hurt go if it was small enough that it didn't stick with me, that I was helping our relationship.

What I didn't realize or connect, was how that criticism is a cover for hurt.  And that hurt doesn't just go away if it doesn't get acknowledged.   If I don't address that initial criticism, allow it to be seen and validated, then sometimes it grows into something that CAN NOT be ignored.

And often once it can't be ignored, it now has so much energy behind it that I am unable to listen.  I become defensive and seemingly don't care about the hurt.  (And in a way I don't because at that point I'm often hurt too.)

By avoiding hearing the small criticism, I am setting myself to have to hear a bigger one later.

This is so obvious that I feel both ridiculous and grateful for the discovery.  I know a teacher with good classroom management doesn't let the small things go.  I know a parent that is teaching a child to be respectful doesn't let small disrespects go.  So why do I think I am doing anyone a favor by ignoring my partner when he says something critical to me?  When I point out criticism to him, he usually is quick to be reflective.  It's my part that is missing here and not letting criticisms go unnoticed just because a situation is rushed or stressful is a change I look forward to implementing - in all aspects of my life.

“Every criticism, judgment, diagnosis, and expression of anger 

is the tragic expression of an unmet need.” 

 Marshall Rosenberg