Homemade Cleaners

#1 - Yeah! A snowstorm in place of the rain we've had recently which did a number to the cross country skiing.  And it's a day I had nowhere to drive, so I could just enjoy the beauty, take a little walk, and even shovel for fun before the grounds crew gets here.

#2 - I hung up an Xmas gift from my uncle.

#3 - After my Dad died I continued making dishwasher and laundry soap per the system he set up.  However after I ran out of one of the ingredients (Fels Naptha), I abandoned the process. I learned Fels Naptha wasn't something I necessarily wanted to buy more of.  Today I found a different recipe using Dr. Bronner's pure castile soap bar which I can easily get. Not sure when I will feel the initiative to continue this, but I can at least get the last ingredient so I'm ready when I do have it.

https://www.measuringflower.com/laundry-soap/

 #4 - Though now I see that Borax is rated worse than the Fels-Naptha which I still have a bunch of for the dishwasher soap.  Hmmm.  I guess that needs to be phased out too.

#5 - This is a great website to look up this info!!!  https://www.ewg.org/cleaners/

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I was making dinner and I realized I got distracted by this cleaning info and forgot to write about something I intended to. The Gottman's the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse!

"The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is a metaphor depicting the end of times in the New Testament. They describe conquest, war, hunger, and death respectively. We use this metaphor to describe communication styles that, according to our research, can predict the end of a relationship."

https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/

Of the 4 horseman I am definitely most guilty of defensiveness. Both according to my own reflections and the perspective of my former partner.  

I was thinking today a bit about how that pattern was established in me.  Growing up I don't think my parents modeled taking responsibility for their emotions.  They gave that power to other people.  So for example, it might be mom's fault that my dad was screaming.  So I learned if I did something maybe it was my fault my dad was so angry.  But then I might ask myself, "Is it my fault? Am I at fault here?"  Immediately I am in defensive mode trying to figure that out. But the fact is IT DOES NOT MATTER if I am at fault, it is still never my fault how someone reacts.  This is a lesson I will practice the rest of my life.  

I want to be responsive to someone else's reaction, and if there is a way I can do things differently that would be helpful I want to hear and be open to that. But need to watch the defensiveness because I am only responsible for my own emotions.  And I need to step into that responsibility, instead of victimhood.

Anyway, I'll be figuring this out for a long time, but I'm trying.

Why Am I Here?

I was going to write a list of five gratitudes today, but after being outside with my friend in the cold today she asked exasperated, "Why am I HERE?" We were headed back to my place to write, so I decided that would be our first prompt, which led down a surprising path.

Why Am I Here?

I am here because my father died and left enough money to buy this place. I am here because I needed some place to live that wasn't sad. I am here because M and my relationship as we knew it ended. I am here because I was born here. I am here because my parents were born here (in this state). I am here because my grandparents were born here. I am not here because any of my great grandparents were born here – 3 emigrated from Sweden. They were here because people in Sweden were starving and Sweden is somewhat like MN geographically and for a time between genocide and now, our nation was a place that welcomed immigrants – or certain immigrants - or immigrants for certain purposes – such as driving back the original inhabitants.

I am here because it is the greatest concentration of people I love living here. I am here because light shines on this planet in the precise intensity to allow life forms to emerge. I am here because I love this spot where I can turn and glance out the window and see the snow covered trees framing the sky. I am here because sky is expansive the way lungs are when we inhale. I am here because when hail falls down – it appears the sky is falling – however instead it is just ice in a very strange place.

I am here because Earth is a strange place to inhabit somehow despite all its beauty.

I am here because in some cultures beauty is an organizing principal.

I am here because I believe in principals as a signpost for my life.

I am here because quiet spaces nurture and support me – quiet lighting, quiet pens upon the page. I am here because the page is an open palm – awaiting to receive my blessing. I am here because blessing is given when we are born, but not all feel nor receive it.

I am here because oxygen permeates my lungs. I am here because of my lungs and my heart.