Artwork

#1 – “I’m looking forward to hearing more about his kids.” This was spoken by a friend of mine regarding a guy she is going to meet next week via online dating.

“Who the hell am I talking to?” I asked myself. This friend has previously stated, “I don’t know why these guys are contacting me! I clearly state on my profile that I don’t have children and I am not interested in having them!” That statement was said with conviction within the last year. It’s a little difficult to explain why this shift is beautiful to me. I am certainly supportive of my friend having either stance. I guess it's witnessing the simple lack of resistance, the simple opening.

#2 – She also received some Byron Katie homework from a mutual friend. The synchronicity of this a bit perplexing, I’ve known the name “Byron Katie” for over 10 years, but it was just last week that I became familiar with her. I was sick with a cold and ended up watching her youtube videos unceasingly.

#3 – I wanted to fit some exercise in my day so I took advantage of the Core Power chain’s one week of free yoga (if you’ve never been to Core Power). I really hesitated, because if I could get a free week I didn’t want to only use one day, but good God what was I saving it for? One free yoga class is better than none.

#4 – I won’t be near the location where I took that class in the next week, but later on I formulated a plan for getting in another class or two at their other locations.

#5 – We had our final night at this volunteer gig I’ve done once a month for what seems like a little while, but has actually been three years! It’s not really final, it’s just the whole set up is changing. I’ve really enjoyed the group of people I’ve worked with, and I think all of us were a little disappointed. It feels a little like 8th grade when you are being assigned a cabin on a school field trip, or 1st, 2nd or 3rd lunch hour. Will you get to be with your friends? Before I went tonight I thought, “I’ve really enjoyed this group of people, but maybe I’ll enjoy the new group just as much, or more.” And then we found out, at this point at least, our group is mostly staying together :).

Lengthening

#1 – This is an email I sent today –

I suck at small talk. Usually this is not a problem as I have no interest. However, there are occasional circumstances when it would really come in handy. I used to judge myself in those situations, try to force myself to be someone that I am not. Eventually I softened and also came to understand I excel at deep conversations. These two things may not be mutually exclusive for everybody, but they are for me. And maybe also the fact that I have difficulty with idle chatter is part of the reason I can write, make a story, or the beginning of one, whether there is really a story there or not.

Last summer I went to kirtan with the Wild Moon Bhaktas at the Meditation Center in Minneapolis. It was one of a handful of times I saw them last year. This particular gathering was pretty small – maybe 10-15 people and I noticed that there was a very attractive man there. As I’m sure you are aware, there are usually more women than men at kirtan, and many of the men are either of an older generation or accompanied by a woman. Neither was the case in this situation. Despite my ineptitude at small talk I specifically stayed for the light meal afterwards to try and talk to this guy. However, he left. When I told someone about this, her reaction was what I used to say to myself. I needed to put myself out there, make a greater effort to talk to him! I didn’t feel supported by this reaction and decided not to mention such things in the future. I can be hard enough on myself, I’m not looking for reinforcement.

Fast forward to New Year’s Eve- I’m headed to a kirtan event at a yoga studio by myself. I am perfectly content with this plan and grateful to feel this way. The room is pretty packed when I arrive. I head to the front corner where there is a bit of space and this guy gives me a look that says, “Don’t take this cushion,” (which he appears to be saving for someone else). I wasn’t after the cushion though, I’m perfectly content to sit on the floor. I was just looking for a space. Looking around I could see the room was mostly a sea of beautiful women, deciding to spend an evening in a beautiful way.

I dove into kirtan, started having a lovely vision. Afterwards I wanted to save a few of those thoughts for my journal, but had neither pen nor paper. By this point I had placed the initial recognition I had of you and figured if I could find some scratch paper that you would lend me a pen. So I get the paper, you lend the pen and I write.

Soon they are passing out paper for the next kirtan group and the guy that originally looked a little annoyed at me asked if I want one. “I just like to listen.” I respond. He then asks if I was taking notes. “No I had some thoughts during kirtan that I wanted to write down.”

I don’t know when it occurred to me, it wasn’t a moment, it was more like a gradual realization - that guy might be the same guy I wanted to talk to a few months ago. From then on I’m more conscious of him through the evening. I’m still happy/content in my own space, but I pay him a little more attention than the rest of the people in the room. I say a little prayer/request that if we are meant to speak it will happy naturally.

When it’s time to go I think about this as I’m getting my jacket, but it doesn’t seem to be happening. I head to the front to put on my shoes and think, “Oh well,” grateful regardless. Then he is leaving too, without his friends, and I ask if he was at the meditation center this summer when Wild Moon Bhaktas played. He said yes and asked how I knew you… Well life helped, but I still suck at small talk so we said, “Happy New Year,” and I left. I left thinking however, that this time I had you. Someone who knew the both of us, and that I may still have your email address, and regardless of anything it would be my first writing exercise of the New Year (which you would be supportive of :). And if it happened to feel appropriate to you to pass this on to him it should at least be a complimentary beginning to his New Year (well minus the annoyed look part I guess :).

So I have no idea if that guy is single, or how you know him, but I DO know that you are welcome to pass this on to him if it feels appropriate.

Thanks much, best wishes for your writing life and all your life in 2014!

Tammy

#2 – The woman this email was addressed to was the instructor of an intuitive writing class I enjoyed a few years ago. I did not still have her email, but I was able to find it.

#3 – After midnight, after kirtan (call and response chanting performed in India's bhakti devotional traditions), we did a ritual to ring in the New Year. A room full of people singing and circling to the music, while one at a time we walked a lighted path on the floor and released something no longer needed.

#4 –I went to a 10:30 AM yoga class which was followed by a 12:00 PM restorative class. Restorative yoga does not yet have a Wikipedia page (where I just went for a succinct description). It’s basically relaxation yoga/rest yoga. Anyway, I didn’t need the restorative class necessarily, I just went to a class on Sunday, but it was convenient and I had the time so I decided to stay. Well as often happens, but still can be a surprise, lots of new people showed up since it was the New Year. We were running out of supplies and there were a lot of people who didn’t know what to do. (Restorative yoga involves a bunch of blankets, blocks etc. to prop people up into relaxing positions.) I jumped right in to help the instructor and then switched from a participant to an assistant in the class. The best part was I didn’t need the class. I was “giving from a full cup”. And it was simply a moment of immense beauty to observe a room full of “busy Americans” all silent and resting. It touched me.

#5 – Finally one of those new yogis was a highly attractive man who I briefly directed (as he looked lost). I hope he comes back! I don’t have to be good at small talk to ask how he liked his yoga class (or if he has done yoga anywhere else). We’ll see.

Kiss Toggle Hug

#1 - “I just want to hurry up and get it over with.” Not a thought that I have much recently so it stood out and made me take notice. I was headed for an annual well-woman visit (or physical as they used to be called) and suddenly I was dreading it.

#2 - When the pelvic exam came around, my relaxation practice/breathing went into full force. I wouldn't say that it "worked" but it at least gave me something to focus on.

#3 - My brother stopped his pain body (this is Eckhart Tolle terminology). He was over and starting to get annoyed and I was starting to wish they weren’t here and then, miracle of miracles - he turned it off. He did not escalate and he was pleasant the rest of the evening. I didn’t even realize it until now, when I sat down to write.

#4 - “Kiss toggle hug?” I kept repeating it back to her, trying to decipher what my niece was saying. Is this a new game? Tuggle? Does she mean tug of war? Finally she walked over and got it. Kiss, Tickle, Cuddle, Hug, currently a favorite book.

#5 – “…Also, in one of the six things you could not do without, you listed "Solitude". I would be interested in hearing more about that if you wouldn't mind.” I don’t respond to men in online dating who don’t mention anything specific about my profile. Many are just shooting off the same email to a bunch of people to see who will bite, and none of their profiles have ever held my interest. This on the other hand, could be the opposite situation. I don't even want to start answering this question tonight because I'm pretty sure I could be writing for a long time :).

Bonus: The following was actually sent to me the day I posted this but I did not read it until the next day. So I guess it will be a Wed gratitude. I'm still including it here -

http://thoughtcatalog.com/abby-rosmarin/2013/12/to-the-women-who-choose-not-to-have-kids/

Follow Your Arrow

I was impressed by this woman when I was in Nashville this time last year and heard "Merry Go 'Round". "Maybe I do like country music?" I thought. I recently heard this. I couldn't name the singer, but I knew it was her.

Pay Attention Here

#1 –I was so glad to be alone at this table. There had been a plan for a first meeting with a guy, but he got a flat tire the other day and this evening was the first slot he could get for a replacement. When he asked about meeting I had suggested this café as I was going to eat there anyway, before a volunteer meeting a mile away. When I walked in I was so glad to not have to change, to not muster interest or enthusiasm or questions, to be able to just rest in myself.

#2 - I was feeling pretty peaceful. I had decided none of my normal exercise options would fit in today and I found a yoga studio near the volunteer meeting to try. Just being in a new space made my senses engaged and when the teacher touched my foot it was soft and gentle and kind. Pay attention here, notice how the outside of your foot meets the floor.

#3 – We also did an Omm at the beginning and end of class which I love and which is extremely rare where I usually do yoga. Walking from there into the café I did not want to muster up false enthusiasm.

It became quite clear to me I didn’t really want to meet this guy. It became quite clear to me that we often know a great deal more than we give ourselves credit for.

#4 – I ordered a cornmeal schneatzel (sp?). I was hesitant because I made a bunch of cornbread yesterday including cornbread croutons for some soup. However, the Brussels sprouts and the butternut squash sounded really good for me. And guess what the Brussels sprouts were awesome.

#5 – The meeting involved a vision for some big changes. I’ve volunteered once a month at a food market for people who have a hard time acquiring enough groceries for the past few years. I’m not sure if/how the new vision for the market will work for me, but I do understand and believe in the vision, so I hope to find a way to adapt myself to it.

For Entertainment Only

I happened to notice today that I had three comments on my last post. Three comments this was a record! I looked and saw they related to my last brief gratitude which I only put on here for entertainment value. It was an initial message on online dating that stated,

"You don't look like an anarchist revolutionary yet...."

This to me is not the beginning of a conversation, it is simply a comment. I neither replied nor even looked at the profile of the person who sent it. I already knew that we were a 10% match, that the photo was some protest photo were they all were wearing masks (which struck me as scary) and I believe the person lived in Washington or something. "How does someone do a search and end up on my profile when I live across the country and am not a match?" I wondered.

Just now I tried to look at the account and it said that person no longer has an account.

Exactly.

Since that peeked interest previously here, I will provide a few more notes of possible interest. The offensive messages I delete completely as I do not want to linger in such energy. So here instead is a sampling of initial messages that are not offensive, but really...

"Hi, my name is Jeff"
48% Match

"I would love to meet you at the Minneapolis Institute of Arts.
Sincerely,
Kevin"
56% Match

(Just want to remind you I have had zero contact with Kevin.)

"Television has a place. I love watching this (he did send a link, I don't want to include it because I'm scared of link from unknown people), and learning about the Artists. Singers. I found it very moving, and I learned something weird from watching it tonight.

I was communing with Fugai Honko at the museum yesterday. Like a Jedi Knight kind of thing :)

Was doing my walking Buddha thing tonight. It is one of the meditation positions of the Theravada.


I liked this one a lot (another link). The Painter, Printer was really beautiful as well. I have my secret Reasons for enjoying this show, but enough of that.

I do like PBS, it must make me some kind of republican in your view. However, did hear/watch Born Yesterday last night, and immensely enjoyed it."
10% match

Then he sent another message (I did not respond to the first). I'm just including the last sentence this time.

"...You could go to the MIA, and Commune with me in this one interesting exhibit. I like it, it's like a meditation center."

(I wonder if this guy and Kevin (above) are actually the same?)

I will end this with an interaction I had right before Halloween. Some guy sent me a fine/normal message, but his profile and photo were blank. I'd already had a previous bad interaction in a similar situation, so I responded but was skeptical. We exchanged a couple more messages, he told me about a Halloween event that sounded cool.

Then wrote -

"I am just trying to get you to go to the Puppet Show."

The fact of the matter is the puppet show was the cool sounding Halloween event, but it was also outside at night, with some stranger. No thank you. I just checked and his account was deleted as well.

Nature Poems

#1 - I heard a Jeni Couzyn poem and wanted more. The library for once wasn't helpful. I ended up finding a journal online that published her and as I looked at the journal I thought, "This may be an appropriate place for my poetry." That was in April. Seven months later, November 1st, I finally got around to that submission. Two and a half weeks later I received a reply saying he enjoyed my poems, would consider them for a future issue and asked if I had any more environmental/nature poems as they are featuring that topic this summer.

Yeah!

Well, I thought I would have tons, in fact I found I did not. I think most of my poems have a line or a reference to nature, but few are actually focused upon nature itself. I guess I need to write more poems. Nice to have a little motivation.

I sent what I compiled to three friends asking for their opinions as to which to send. Today I put together the ones that made the cut and sent them off.

#2 - Actually two of the people I sent poems to were friends. The third person was in the fiction writing class I took a few years ago. I didn't like the class that much (in part because fiction isn't my thing I'm sure). We each had a couple of pieces we'd bring copies of for others to write comments. I remember one guy telling me to take out or add (I forget) a bunch of commas. It was a draft of a piece! Who cares about commas at that point. Anyway, that is how I usually feel about editing. However one woman in the class made some really insightful comments on my piece. She wasn't there the day I shared my second piece, so I went to her the next week and asked if she would read it because I appreciated what she said previously. Thank God for that because it initiated contact between us. I haven't communicated with her for a couple years I'd guess, but I thought of her as someone to look at my poems. I sent her an email and she replied that she would. Once again her comments were incredibly insightful. I can easily see how being an editor is a skill! I'm so grateful to have come across her in that class and her willingness to help!

#3 - As soon as I woke up I started reading Roger Housden's, ten poems to change your life again and again. I dove in yesterday and I'll probably finish by tomorrow. It has made me curious to learn more about Leonard Cohen and I just requested a book of his from the library. All I know is he is a musician and he has a quote I really like -

"There is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in."

#4 - "I really appreciate you helping me with my paper, and it's fun Tammy-time." Spoken by my cousin Holly. This was the first distracting thing she said and it was a good distraction at that.

#5 - Just because I can share this here. This is a complete initial message written to me by someone on online dating -

"You don't look like an anarchist revolutionary yet...."