I've been hoping to have a new song to play for my last one, but I haven't written any in months, so I specifically sat down Tuesday evening with the intention of writing a song. I started at least. The theme/repeating line of the song is "If I had the worth." I guess it has been a while coming.
I watched this "Help Desk" video clip with Deepak Chopra a couple months back. A woman was asking about how to enter a healthy relationship. Chopra told her to visualize a relationship - someone she knows or make him up. He then told her to "look them in their eyes and say mentally to them, "I love myself exactly as I am. I am a beautiful person. I am a lovely person. I love myself exactly as I am." Reinforce that. Look that person right in the eye and see the look of recognition in their eyes. Do this, you will attract the right person."
That was powerful for me, because I was surprised by how difficult it was. Do I love myself? Yes. Do I love myself exactly as I am? No. So do I really love myself? Hmm.
I'm reading Brene Brown right now and she asks, "Can we love others more than we love ourselves?" Brown doesn't want the answer to be No, but seems to have decided it is. She goes on to write -
"The greatest challenge for most of us is believing that we are worthy now, right this minute. Worthiness doesn't have prerequisites. So many of us have knowingly created/unknowingly allowed/been handed down a long list of worthiness prerequisites:
I'll be worthy when I lose twenty pounds.
I'll be worthy if I can get pregnant.
I'll be worthy if I get/stay sober.
I'll be worthy if everyone thinks I'm a good parent.
I'll be worthy when I can make living selling my art...
Here's what is truly at the heart of Wholeheartedness: Worthy now. Not if. Not when. We are worthy of love and belonging now. Right this minute. As is. (24)"
The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are: Your Guide to a Wholehearted Life
My list would begin more like:
I'll be worthy when I find a way to connect my gifts with a profession/income...
I'll be worthy when I feel confident of where my life is headed...
Without these things can I look someone in the eye and say I love myself exactly as I am? This moment? No. But I'm willing and that is what is required for change - willingness. I know even if I achieved whatever list I came up with, I would replace it with another, so I can chase a list my whole life, or learn to love the list I have.
I guess Chopra's meditation is a good place to begin.
When I sat down to write this, I began thinking of things I appreciated about my day, but the fact is they were thoughts not feelings. What felt relevant right now was exploring these ideas. So thanks for listening.