Waves are how I describe my life these days – crest, descend - calm, turbulent. This week has been no exception. Sometimes the waves tell you to sit still with the pain, sometimes they tell you to act. It’s hard when you can’t see over the crest, when you don’t know if there are rocks ahead or a gentle shore. When I was asked last week what gave me strength, I gave a few responses, none of which were writing, I can’t believe I didn’t come to think of writing.
Today I’m grateful for the phone call I made at 6:40AM. It was pain that led me there, old feelings that I didn’t want back, but it led to a 2 hour conversation, much more peaceful than the one we’d had with the counselor last night.
And the writing that followed, all the responsibility I now felt comfortable claiming.
The tightrope of responsibility is a tricky one, try to place it mostly on the other, or mostly on yourself - you just fall down. But when you can find that center point, for a moment and trust it... Acknowledge what you see in another; own what you see in yourself. There is immense strength there.
One of those for me is not allowing other people to be angry. I have little experience with the healthy expression of anger. It wasn’t modeled for me and it’s rare that I am able to do it myself. So because I shut down and am afraid in the face of anger, I have the unrealistic expectation that it shouldn’t be there.
Dare I realize or recognize the hurt that is beneath? Dare I learn I can protect myself and also see that pain in another?
I'm off to see the woman who told me last week to write, "What would the trees say to you?" I thought I'd read her that but I have other, more recent, writing to reflect on and share. I'm so grateful to have the space to do that.