Staying Vulnerable

#1 -  "I was looking for this "Middle-Aged" quote on Pintrest and came across another one that just hit me hard:

"Staying vulnerable is a risk we have to take if we want to experience connection."  Brene Brown

The word "staying" really hit me. My thought went to your comment on Tuesday, when you mentioned making a decision on Aug 30 to stay or go. The thought I got tangled in was "Why? Why would I sit here and do this work that I need and want to do with you just to walk away in a couple months?" Then I thought of all the other times that I guarded my vulnerability because I had such doubt and a floating imaginary date in front of me to Opt Out of our relationship. There is much more here for me to "see," I know. I just wanted to share this with you. 

Tammy - My intention is to stay vulnerable with and for you especially while we work through this. 

I love you.  I'll see you tonight."

#2 - We didn't have to meet tonight.  We are currently doing weekly counseling - with a professional counselor every other week and on our own (for monetary reasons) the other weeks.  This week we had already "done" our own counseling session, so we could/should have had the night off.  But I'd had a lot of time to think and write when I was on vacation earlier this month and had written a  couple angry letters.  The first of which I sent, and the second of which I still had.  I said we could take tonight off, but he wanted to meet to read that letter.

#3 - I had just finished swimming 20 laps in the "plant" (non-chlorinated) pool, and he met me there and set up a hammock in the tree and listened to what I'd written and we ended the night not wanting to go our separate ways.

#4 - I've been listening to Esther Perel's new podcast, "Where Should We Begin?"  In case you don't know Esther, Wikipedia describes her as, "a Belgian psychotherapist notable for exploring the tension between the need for security and the need for freedom in human relationships."  Her podcasts are actual counseling sessions, and even the ones that don't seem to relate to me at all, I'm finding have a lot to offer.  She echoes Brene Brown in her understanding of the difference between guilt and shame, how guilt is helpful but shame is not.  As she told one man in today's episode,

 "It's very hard to stay in the position of responsibility and guilt versus shame...But this is your practice, your relationship practice, is to be able to feel more guilt, because guilt is the responsibility toward another person."

#5 - And on a topic change, while talking to my 22 year old cousin on the phone today she said, "I love that you think what I have to say is important."