If a Tree Falls in The Forest

 If a tree falls in the forest and there is no one there to hear it, does it make a sound?

I've been thinking quite a bit about that question recently.  If I have an experience and don't have someone at home to share it with, has it really happened?

This weekend I was on a short trip with the local outdoors club.  Even while in a relationship, I enjoyed doing things separately, so it didn't feel strange to be there alone. However, what feels strange is coming home and not having someone there to tell about it.

It was also tough when I dropped the woman off I carpooled with, because she lives very close to where I just moved from.  It seemed I was returning to our home and my body wanted to drive there.

It is helpful that he no longer lives there either.

And it is helpful, that though I felt a pang in my chest when I got to those streets, I have also really fallen in love with where I am currently living.  

Foremost the location, but slowly as I paint etc. the space itself too.

And the woman I carpooled with is an angel.

I met her at the camping weekend I attended with the same outdoors club last month.  She had just joined the group as a recent empty nester.  I kind of assumed she must be divorced, but soon she offhandedly mentioned being a widow and my heart broke.

From that we dove into a deep conversation.  We soon found we had much in common.  She not only lives in the neighborhood I just moved from, she also signed up for a monthly women's group at the yoga studio there.  The same group I had signed up with.  The group has 10 women and there we were at a completely unrelated event.

I emailed her a few weeks ago to see if she was going on this weekend trip because if she was I wanted to carpool with her.  She hadn't planned on it, but the nudge led to her signing up and just as I suspected the 2 hour car ride each way was full of engaging conversation.

 Her husband died 3 1/2 years ago and now her daughters are gone at college and her situation is very different than mine.  But the grief is still a place of connection and questioning and commiseration.

Like today I said, "How can one possibly decide to get in a relationship again knowing it will lead to loss?  The only way it will not lead to loss is if I die first.  Otherwise, we'll either break up or he'll die."

And I also know this means I'm getting older and these kinds of questions will become more and more prominent as loss visits all of our doorsteps.

So I didn't come home to tell anyone about my weekend.

But I did come back to a place I'm making more and more a home and did a little more painting in the bathroom.  And I'm not sure I like the color, but I am sure the fact that I'm not sure makes it an adventure.

And I started the day leading a yoga class, which I've done on occasion for this outdoors group.  The first time was in 2015 when a guy was leading a yoga class at a winter cross-country ski etc weekend. After about 20 minutes he said, "That's about all I remember."  I was flabbergasted that not only was he not a yoga teacher, but he could only remember 20 minutes but still volunteered to lead it.  (I on the other hand can remember enough for an hour, but I'm not a yoga teacher so would have never volunteered myself.)  But on that day I said, "I guess I can jump in."  And since then if I'm on a trip I sometimes get asked if I'll lead yoga.

Anyway, I get a little nervous as I'm not a yoga teacher, but today I actually felt as relaxed at the end of class as if I were a student.  I had some ideas for how I was going to start class, but after that I just moved slowly, and allowed enough space for each next stretch to come to me.  And everyone else seemed to enjoy it and were surprised I'm not a regular teacher.

And I just looked up two things I wanted to send my angel/carpool companion.

A. The poem Lost by David Whyte - which I partially recited for her on a hike.

B. A book recommendation which I'd like to share here too. I found it to be brilliant.

The Nine Lives of Rose Napolitano

by

Donna Freitas (Goodreads Author)

3.72  · 

Rating details ·  5,531 ratings  ·  913 reviews

A deeply moving novel about a woman who thought she never wanted to be a mother—and the many ways that life can surprise us...

A stunning novel about love, loss, betrayal, divorce, death, a woman’s career and her identity, The Nine Lives of Rose Napolitano is about finding one’s way into a future that wasn’t the future one planned, and the ways that fate intercedes when we least expect it.

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/54719851-the-nine-lives-of-rose-napolitano

Bike, Trees, Foam, Floor

 A long flat peaceful bike ride, much of which I did once before, back in 2014, the year before I met Michael. 

I thought of that woman on the bike ride, the last time the trees along the path saw her.  I thought about how much she enjoyed that bike ride that day, just like today.

Do you ever do that with trees?  Wonder if they remember you? I have never asked anyone that question.  I think they notice, not what I'm thinking, but how absorbed I am in my thoughts, meaning, do I even see them? 

I think they appreciate being seen.

My destination was a park where I want to camp next year on my annual camping trip with my friend, her kids and my niece and nephew.  Since it is nearby, I was on a reconnaissance mission to pick out campsites and to motivate myself to be active outside today.

When I got home I did a couple simple things I've been meaning to do...

A. Put some foam my brother gave me on the back of my garage door, because the trunk hits it when it opens.

B. Wash my kitchen and dining room floor for the first time.  

Basic cleaning hasn't happened as much as I'd like while still getting myself situated.

Wow I Don't Hear This in the Media - Thank you Trevor Noah

 

“Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing.”

― Arundhati Roy

The Last Neighbors

#1 -  I opened my blinds this AM to the magic of falling snow. I don't know if I've ever seen the trees with so many leaves and snow - beneath the white I could see the reds and yellows.  I do know I've never seen the view of snow at my new home.  And once again I'm infinitely grateful to have ended up in a place with a direct door to experience the outside.

#2 - I've had a lot of silence since moving in - I don't constantly have background noise or anything.  However, I'm only consciously said, "I'm going to sit here for 10 minutes," once since moving in, that was the night when my hallway was flooded and I was waiting for the plumber or the mitigation people.

Today the snow inspired me to, sit, and breathe and be.

#3 - The complex I live in is quite large, however my building itself only has 8 units.  One unit is for sale/empty.  But of the 6 other occupied units, I've met everyone with the exception of one unit.  

Today I saw someone putting notes on a couple cars' windshields in front.  I thought, "Maybe someone is moving in to the empty condo," because when I'd moved in I'd asked for those spaces to be blocked off for moving.  I also thought about how I've, on occasion, put affirmations or quotes on people's windshields.  I thought the guy who was doing it then came into my building, so then I assumed it was the guy upstairs I hadn't met.  Soon the sun beckoned me outside and I curiously peered at the notes on the cars.

To my chagrin they were not notes in the vein I'd expected but rather complaints which included name calling and swearing.  It was anonymous but sarcastically signed "Love Your Neighbors."

I was so shocked I instantly grabbed the notes and came back inside.

The note was pissed that 1 of the units in my building was using 2 of the unassigned spaces next to the building and not using their assigned space at all.  Thus far I've had positive experiences from my neighbors, and now my first interaction with the remaining neighbor was far from that.

It took me a while to calm down. 

After calming, I did a little research and tried to relate. I had to admit that I got annoyed when I first moved in at people using these unassigned spots just like the person who wrote the note.  First of all I don't mind a walk,

second of all it's nice to save places for guests

third of all, it's nice for the spaces next to the building to be open when I actually have a lot of groceries or something to unload.

Furthermore, every unit here has an assigned parking spot and some units have a garage.  But some units have more than 1 vehicle and may or may not have a garage.  I knew I could look up if this unit had a garage because it sold last Dec and was in my comps when I made the offer in the building.  I looked, and they don't have a garage and they seemed to have 2 vehicles

which means they need to use 1 of the unassigned spots.

Ok I could see how that would be annoying. 

 Still anonymous swearing and name calling?  And the 2 men the notes were intended for were elderly.  AND there were other residents in my building not using their assigned spaces and parking in unassigned spots, why didn't they get there notes?

What to do?

I certainly couldn't put the notes back, because then someone would think I placed them there.

If the person who wrote it thinks the neighbor read it, even though they haven't, they might start making up all these future stories based on that...

Should I just knock on their door and confront them about it?

How do I do that in a non-confrontational way?

Then do I become a target?

Thus far I've felt very safe in my building.  Then will I have to lock my door when I go down the hall to the laundry room or worry about my car if I park it outside or...

And then I thought of if it is this hard it is to put myself in potential "harm's way" for such a minor infraction, think of WWII.  

And why is this from the one unit I haven't met yet, this is why it's so important to form a relationship with my neighbors!

I decided if I knocked on the door besides being terrified, I'd probably fumble with what to say.  Maybe I could knock on the door and give them a note or leave a note.  Then I could express myself well and they'd have some time to let defenses down.

I started writing the note and really wished I could ask Michael's advice, someone who acts out angrily sometimes...

and in the middle of my note, he called with an unrelated question, "I'm not in the space to talk now," I said, "I've got a situation with my neighbor," and then I told him about it.  And he helped me finish drafting my note with some good advice.  We agreed I should knock and introduce myself and then give the note, because it's harder to be mean to people in person.

So I finished my note and with a bit of terror I knocked on my neighbor's door.

To my surprised the woman that lived there answered.  I said I'd moved in downstairs and was sorry I hadn't introduced myself yet, she seemed very relaxed and open and maybe knew nothing about it.  Or maybe I was mistaken that the person that lived in that unit left the notes.

Anyway, I finished my little intro and then said, "I think someone up here left a note on the cars out front and I have a note to leave."

And then I left and called Michael back and read the note again and said, "I'm not 100% sure it was them, I mean I think it was them but I want to read you this note again.  If it wasn't them I still didn't say anything hurtful did I?"

Here is my note.

If I was mistaken it seemed ok.

So then I went to make dinner.

Soon after I got a knock at my door.

I opened it and a nervous man stood there, introduced himself and 

APOLOGIZED.  He said he was glad I removed the notes, and they'd had some other issues with those neighbors, but that he knew I had just moved into the building and people here were nice and he was sorry and it was a Friday and...

I said, "I get it, we all lose it sometimes."  And then I said I had looked and seen they didn't have a garage and that I had a friend coming over tonight, but I usually park in my garage and don't use my parking spot so if it would be help if they needed it sometimes or...

And he said, "No no." And he was completely unthreatening and kind and none of the stories I was making up in my head about him.

And when I closed my door I burst into tears.

It could have ended so many other ways.

Watching the Pain Body

#1 -  I have seen how with time and distance there is more space in me, less triggering.  I have felt much less of a need to defend myself or explain myself, or even to be understood.  As Terry Real says, "Who is right or wrong - who cares?"

There is one thing that triggered me today though, "I do not feel that Tammy has the right to this grief."  Wow that one got the anger rising in me.  I wanted to make an instant phone call and state the boundary that no one has the right to tell me what I have the right to feel.

But I took a few breaths, and I know that I have the right to my grief

and that's all that matters.

#2 -  And in fact I'm so grateful for it.  As a child how I learned to respond to turmoil around me was freezing, shutting down.  And that has happened to me as an adult too.  Sometimes I become numb to life, numb to beauty, numb to pain.

I don't feel numb now and I'm not only grateful about that, I'm happy about it.

#3 - And I am feeling energized just being a feeling advocate.  Everyone has a right to their grief, and a right to their anger. (Believe me there have been plenty of times I've tried to tell people they don't have a right to be angry.  They don't have a right to take out anger on other people.  And anger is often a secondary emotion but still that is my issue.  That is my work, putting up enough boundaries that people can have their anger around me.)

Anyway, all this prompted me to order a book I've thought about owning for years.

The Book of Qualities by J Ruth Gendler 

Most books I'd prefer not to own, because once I read them I am not going to return to them.  But this is a book I could continually return to.  The characters are emotions and it is written with such whimsy and depth.  Here is a quote I pulled from the description on the Hennepin County Library web page

"Excitement wears orange socks, Faith lives in the same apartment building as Doubt, and Worry makes lists of everything that could go wrong while she is waiting for the train."

https://hclib.bibliocommons.com/v2/record/S109C3872299

#4 - This made me look up the author and request her other book the library has.

Notes on the Need for Beauty

#5 - And I've really been practicing recently - when I feel conflict - as seeing it as an opportunity, as training a muscle.  Sometimes I/we don't have energy for it,

but sometimes (today) I do.

 

Trying on Roles

 #1 - I've been single most of my life, so returning to that role is familiar, though living alone is a new aspect of it.

Other roles I've tried on - "Are those your kids?" (Question I was asked leaving the thrift store months back with Michael's daughters.)

"They are my partner's children." I replied, though the eldest later said when I asked that I could say, "Yes." 

At one point while living with them I had the thought, "I could become a grandparent."  If one of them had a kid I would be in their lives long enough at that point I would probably feel that way.  That was a possibility I had never before even considered and blew my mind a bit.

Those doors have closed, but then they open too.

Marriage - it is something I have mixed feelings about.  Obviously on one hand it's a dream. On the other hand I grew up seeing that dream as a nightmare.  And until same sex couples could marry I certainly had issues with my privilege with it.  Michael was clear he didn't want to marry again, so that was that.

But now who knows...

These things came to mind because I took Michael's youngest to horseback riding today.  He emailed to request if next month I'd switch the date I'm taking her.  And suddenly I was in the role of separated parents scheduling.  This is an extremely minor example, but I just had the taste of, "This is what that might feel like."

 #2 - And when I dropped her off, it was different.  I've taken her to horse back riding lessons dozens of time, and then we've driven home

together.

Today I dropped her off at her new home 

and then proceeded towards mine.

And I cried.

And I got groceries.

And I turned to the country radio station which I've found is the most likely one to have something to offer a heterosexual couple after a break-up. 

#3 - And as I pulled into my parking lot, it supplied a new artist and song to me that perfectly fit the bill.

 

 

#4 - Mike Posner's also got a new one -

"...This is a what a broken heart beats like

 It's tearing up my chest like a jackknife

But it gets me thru the good and bad times..."

#5 - I was just listening so I didn't see the reminder at the end until my 4th or so listen.

"Beginnings always hide themselves in ends.

KEEP GOING." 

Tomorrow is actually my blog post day, but I want to reflect a bit...

I still go to the dentist near my dad's house.  Until 2 years ago I'd just use it as an excuse to stop by and visit. He died the day before my dentist appointment in Feb of 2020.  I went to the dentist the next day as I didn't know what else to do. Then I went over to his house and cried.

Since then my dentist visits, especially the winter ones, are sad.

Today I was back for a cleaning.  This made my next appt not until April.  I got off the typical timing because when I was supposed to go this summer I had Co-Vid, and they didn't have another opening for a long ways out.  As I left today I thought about how not having a winter appointment anymore lessens the correlation with my dad's death.

Then I decided to stop by the nearby thrift store which was always my favorite as it has great finds.  Maybe there would be an end table I liked.  When I scanned the new store arrangement I saw, "Bath." Hmm, I'd never think to look there.  However, I just bought my fourth bath mat yesterday, and once again I am going to return it.  

My bath here was depressing at first because it feels like a motel.  However, the very happy shower curtain I found has helped.  The shower curtain is very colorful and none of the bathmats I try look right. 

I think the store had maybe 5 or so bath mats.  And this was what one of them said.

I actually started to cry seeing it, and am crying now looking at it. The color still might not be quite right, but it is better than the 4 I tried before, and at $4, cheaper than all of them as well.

 I don't know why exactly, but it feels like a reminder/gift from my father.  It doesn't have to make sense, but something in me understands.

**************************************************

 

Also I finished listening to Part 2 today of Glennon Doyle's We Can do Hard Things podcast with Dr. Becky Kennedy.  And there were lots of quote worthy things.

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"I think kids end up listening to parents for two reasons, either they feel very connected to them and very kind of close to them, or they feel very fearful of them. And like you were saying, there are consequences to wiring fear next to love. Like there are, I could cry thinking about, there are a lot of consequences to that early on." Dr. Kennedy

"Like what?" Glennon

"Like the people we end up being attracted to later on, are the people who evoke that earliest attachment, so being fearful of someone, of someone having control over us, someone dictating who we are and what we want, our body's like, 'I know how to do this, this is what love is.'" Dr. Kennedy

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"Regulation preceeds empathy.  It's always a prerequisite. You have to regulate your distress before you have empathy for someone else.  We know this, whenever we are overwhelmed with feeling, none of us have any empathy for anyone in those moments, because we're disregulated." Dr. Kennedy

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"Having someone who is perfectly attuned to your needs sets you up to be looking for a partner who is always perfectly attuned to your needs, like that's not a good set up, right? Actually I think that speaks to what we are saying here, which is, the process of like misattunement and repair. Like, oh you got that wrong about me and that didn't feel good. Or you did this thing and I didn't like it. 

Repair I actually think is the single most important parenting strategy, like I always think it is the thing we should get really good at.  Which is both hearing from our kids about the things they are mad about and proactively saying some version of, 'I'm sorry and that was me not you," for the things we know, we find we were reactive around...Repair it always matters.  It's what starts that rewiring process." Dr. Becky Kennedy

"Yes because you say that going back to your kids and repairing and saying, 'What I did was not acceptable,' you are teaching them to expect that love looks like when they are treated poorly, love looks like circling back to repair that, that is an inherent, invaluable part of love." Amanda Doyle

"Yes, yes, right that love isn't perfect.  It's not the absence of misattunment. It's not the absence of conflict, but also when we don't repair with our kids. This is always what spurns me...if that experience registers in that kid's body, 'Oh well I got yelled at that was scary," whatever it was. If I don't repair, kids really only have two ways of explaining distress to themselves, when they don't have a narrative, a coherent narrative for a parent and it's self-doubt or self-blame, right? Self-doubt is, 'Maybe I overreacted to that. That wasn't a big deal. If that really happened someone would have talked to me.' And then that looks like an adult like, 'Am I overreacting, would someone else have reacted this way, would all my friends?" That's self doubt. 

Self-blame is, 'If I was only a better kid that would have never happened. It's my fault. Somethings wrong with me.  I'm too much. I'm not enough.' And if we wonder why adults are, such prevalence wiring for self-blame and self-doubt, it's cause in those moments it's what we were left with...

You know we can really help our kids, and we can help ourselves too. The first step to repair is repairing with yourself.  Before you go saying to your kid, 'I'm sorry for yelling,' you have to say to yourself, 'I'm a good parent who yelled.' There right?  'I'm a good parent who yelled,' that does not define me. In fact I have an opportunity, as soon as my body calms a little bit, and I feel a  little bit of a release, and I find that goodness inside me. I'm going to go to my kid and I'm going to do something."

Dr. Kennedy

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"That's why parents get so fragile.  That's why anyone gets fragile, because they think their goodness is under attack.  When our goodness is under attack our body shuts down from an evolutionary animal defense state."

Dr. Kennedy

 How to Raise Untamed Kids with Dr. Becky KennedyWe Can Do Hard Things with Glennon Doyle