Taking Care

#1 - I was listening to something recently talking about women not liking their looks and/or accepting/embracing them.  I hadn't really thought about it before, but I realized some women (or people) exercise because they do not like their body. This thought is so sad to me because I can't imagine that exercise will change that.  I've heard plenty of stories of thin, thin women or beautiful women who think they are the opposite.  And it made me realize maybe part of the reason I've continued exercising over the years is that my primary motivation has nothing to do with looks.  "What did motivate me to start exercising?" I wondered.

Well, in high school every fall when soccer started the running would be so painful and I'd vow to not get so out of shape the next year. I'd have visions in my head of the work-outs I'd do. They remained visions until my junior year of high school, when I started to do some recorded video exercises in my basement over the winter.  Then when I went to college I was excited to take advantage of the free aerobics classes in the fitness center. "What was my motivation then?"  Thinking back it was how it made me feel.  It decreased stress and elevated my mood.

Instead of the guilt that often accompanies health choices, I think there is a lot of potential for just checking in more deeply.

"How will this make me feel?" Not just in the moment but afterwards. It's true that sometimes what feels good in the moment does not feel good afterwards. And what will feel good afterwards may not feel good in the moment.

This also reminds me of in college when they'd have brownies in the cafeteria.  I'd get excited and I'd be in the middle of eating one and already thinking about eating the next one. 

I started enforcing a rule for myself, I could only have the next brownie if I savored the first one. If I just gulped the first one? That's the end of dessert. But if I took my time, I could have another.

Of course that often led to the fact that once I really enjoyed the first one, I was more likely to be satisfied and not need/want another.

Anyway, this was a long tangent in just thinking that my wish for people is to find something in themselves that they can appreciate, like my hands right now deftly typing on this keyboard.  Or my wrists, which a few months ago, were really bothering me, but with some strengthening and stretching, have gotten much better.

#2 - This also made me think of dessert and reminded me I have a piece of cake in the fridge from my brother's neighbor's birthday party.  My brother said it was too sweet.  It is sweet but not as bad as I expected.

#3 - "Snarl" today's wordle which I got on the last guess.

#4 - I just put in the mail the document to add a Transfer on Death Deed to my condo.  Ever since my mom died and I learned how much simpler beneficiaries make everything, I've tried to add them to everything I can.  I hadn't filed one for the condo yet, but I got the document notarized last weekend and I put it in the mail today.

#5 - Finally in March of 2020 I wanted to do something special to honor writing daily gratitudes for 10 years. I found a women's retreat at a place I'd never been during that time that one of the aspects was gratitude.  "That's it," I thought.  

I signed up, however my dad died a couple weeks before the retreat so though I still went, it had a very different feel.  Here is a photo from that weekend.

This spring when I realized I would no longer be going on the Boundary Waters camping trip we had planned I asked, "What am I going to do this summer?"  I went to the retreat center's website and right in the middle of the summer there was a "Writing Thru Change" retreat. That's it.

 Each of the hermitage's has a name.  The first time I went they put me in "Freedom" which felt appropriate with my dad's soul freed from his body.

This summer I tried to request the one named, "Love" but that wasn't an option because a staff person was living in it.  So I chose St. Francis instead.  A hermit off in the woods, probably more appropriate.

Today I called and made a reservation for my 3rd visit.  It seems life is nudging me along and it wasn't until I started writing this that I realized the full extent of this.

Often I use my birthday as an excuse to do something with friends.  Even though it is a couple months away, this year I feel zero energy or initiative in that regard.

On top of that, my father always acknowledges birthdays by taking us out for dinner.  And of course this is no longer possible.

And Michael and the girls certainly won't be doing anything with me.

And my sister-in-law, brother, niece and nephew will all be in Japan.

So I wasn't thinking about all that when I made the reservation, I just saw a retreat during my birthday that appeals to me, based on Brene Brown's book Atlas of the Heart, and I signed up.

And as I was going thru the rustic hermitage options on the phone, for one reason or another they weren't working. Then I said, "Love?"  (I hadn't even been considering it because a few months ago a staff was living there) and the woman said, "Sure".

So my hope is my 3rd visit to this retreat center will be a happier one.  I don't know if that will be the case or not, but I do know I will be staying in Love.

Fortunate Miscommunication

#1 - I put over 50 items in the mail today.

#2 - I've been updating my address book with people I don't communicate with often. It's always a pleasant surprise when people are happy to send their new address to me. I'm not sure why since I would be happy if someone from my past asked for my current address.

#3 - I applied for a job.  It really stressed me out when I thought about it last week (just the indecision etc.) but then I let go and thought, "Jesus just apply and then don't worry about it."

#4 - GT's Kombucha was for sale which is my beverage treat.  There is a new fall flavor I haven't tried as well as a peach.

#5 - A month after I moved in my neighbor's toilet leaked in my place so my hall/bath has been partly torn up since then.  Insurance is sending me money (minus my deductible) and I told the remediation today that I had already purchased paint so they didn't need to do that since I was planning on painting those rooms.  They misinterpreted that I wanted to paint myself which was great because of course I would rather have whatever they were going to charge me and paint myself.  Originally I thought the insurance just paid them directly to fix it so I wouldn't have a choice.

Anyway, they have to send a new estimate without that and hopefully they will be honest about what they were going to charge for painting.  A fortunate miscommunication on my part.

If a Tree Falls in The Forest

 If a tree falls in the forest and there is no one there to hear it, does it make a sound?

I've been thinking quite a bit about that question recently.  If I have an experience and don't have someone at home to share it with, has it really happened?

This weekend I was on a short trip with the local outdoors club.  Even while in a relationship, I enjoyed doing things separately, so it didn't feel strange to be there alone. However, what feels strange is coming home and not having someone there to tell about it.

It was also tough when I dropped the woman off I carpooled with, because she lives very close to where I just moved from.  It seemed I was returning to our home and my body wanted to drive there.

It is helpful that he no longer lives there either.

And it is helpful, that though I felt a pang in my chest when I got to those streets, I have also really fallen in love with where I am currently living.  

Foremost the location, but slowly as I paint etc. the space itself too.

And the woman I carpooled with is an angel.

I met her at the camping weekend I attended with the same outdoors club last month.  She had just joined the group as a recent empty nester.  I kind of assumed she must be divorced, but soon she offhandedly mentioned being a widow and my heart broke.

From that we dove into a deep conversation.  We soon found we had much in common.  She not only lives in the neighborhood I just moved from, she also signed up for a monthly women's group at the yoga studio there.  The same group I had signed up with.  The group has 10 women and there we were at a completely unrelated event.

I emailed her a few weeks ago to see if she was going on this weekend trip because if she was I wanted to carpool with her.  She hadn't planned on it, but the nudge led to her signing up and just as I suspected the 2 hour car ride each way was full of engaging conversation.

 Her husband died 3 1/2 years ago and now her daughters are gone at college and her situation is very different than mine.  But the grief is still a place of connection and questioning and commiseration.

Like today I said, "How can one possibly decide to get in a relationship again knowing it will lead to loss?  The only way it will not lead to loss is if I die first.  Otherwise, we'll either break up or he'll die."

And I also know this means I'm getting older and these kinds of questions will become more and more prominent as loss visits all of our doorsteps.

So I didn't come home to tell anyone about my weekend.

But I did come back to a place I'm making more and more a home and did a little more painting in the bathroom.  And I'm not sure I like the color, but I am sure the fact that I'm not sure makes it an adventure.

And I started the day leading a yoga class, which I've done on occasion for this outdoors group.  The first time was in 2015 when a guy was leading a yoga class at a winter cross-country ski etc weekend. After about 20 minutes he said, "That's about all I remember."  I was flabbergasted that not only was he not a yoga teacher, but he could only remember 20 minutes but still volunteered to lead it.  (I on the other hand can remember enough for an hour, but I'm not a yoga teacher so would have never volunteered myself.)  But on that day I said, "I guess I can jump in."  And since then if I'm on a trip I sometimes get asked if I'll lead yoga.

Anyway, I get a little nervous as I'm not a yoga teacher, but today I actually felt as relaxed at the end of class as if I were a student.  I had some ideas for how I was going to start class, but after that I just moved slowly, and allowed enough space for each next stretch to come to me.  And everyone else seemed to enjoy it and were surprised I'm not a regular teacher.

And I just looked up two things I wanted to send my angel/carpool companion.

A. The poem Lost by David Whyte - which I partially recited for her on a hike.

B. A book recommendation which I'd like to share here too. I found it to be brilliant.

The Nine Lives of Rose Napolitano

by

Donna Freitas (Goodreads Author)

3.72  · 

Rating details ·  5,531 ratings  ·  913 reviews

A deeply moving novel about a woman who thought she never wanted to be a mother—and the many ways that life can surprise us...

A stunning novel about love, loss, betrayal, divorce, death, a woman’s career and her identity, The Nine Lives of Rose Napolitano is about finding one’s way into a future that wasn’t the future one planned, and the ways that fate intercedes when we least expect it.

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/54719851-the-nine-lives-of-rose-napolitano

Bike, Trees, Foam, Floor

 A long flat peaceful bike ride, much of which I did once before, back in 2014, the year before I met Michael. 

I thought of that woman on the bike ride, the last time the trees along the path saw her.  I thought about how much she enjoyed that bike ride that day, just like today.

Do you ever do that with trees?  Wonder if they remember you? I have never asked anyone that question.  I think they notice, not what I'm thinking, but how absorbed I am in my thoughts, meaning, do I even see them? 

I think they appreciate being seen.

My destination was a park where I want to camp next year on my annual camping trip with my friend, her kids and my niece and nephew.  Since it is nearby, I was on a reconnaissance mission to pick out campsites and to motivate myself to be active outside today.

When I got home I did a couple simple things I've been meaning to do...

A. Put some foam my brother gave me on the back of my garage door, because the trunk hits it when it opens.

B. Wash my kitchen and dining room floor for the first time.  

Basic cleaning hasn't happened as much as I'd like while still getting myself situated.

Wow I Don't Hear This in the Media - Thank you Trevor Noah

 

“Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing.”

― Arundhati Roy

The Last Neighbors

#1 -  I opened my blinds this AM to the magic of falling snow. I don't know if I've ever seen the trees with so many leaves and snow - beneath the white I could see the reds and yellows.  I do know I've never seen the view of snow at my new home.  And once again I'm infinitely grateful to have ended up in a place with a direct door to experience the outside.

#2 - I've had a lot of silence since moving in - I don't constantly have background noise or anything.  However, I'm only consciously said, "I'm going to sit here for 10 minutes," once since moving in, that was the night when my hallway was flooded and I was waiting for the plumber or the mitigation people.

Today the snow inspired me to, sit, and breathe and be.

#3 - The complex I live in is quite large, however my building itself only has 8 units.  One unit is for sale/empty.  But of the 6 other occupied units, I've met everyone with the exception of one unit.  

Today I saw someone putting notes on a couple cars' windshields in front.  I thought, "Maybe someone is moving in to the empty condo," because when I'd moved in I'd asked for those spaces to be blocked off for moving.  I also thought about how I've, on occasion, put affirmations or quotes on people's windshields.  I thought the guy who was doing it then came into my building, so then I assumed it was the guy upstairs I hadn't met.  Soon the sun beckoned me outside and I curiously peered at the notes on the cars.

To my chagrin they were not notes in the vein I'd expected but rather complaints which included name calling and swearing.  It was anonymous but sarcastically signed "Love Your Neighbors."

I was so shocked I instantly grabbed the notes and came back inside.

The note was pissed that 1 of the units in my building was using 2 of the unassigned spaces next to the building and not using their assigned space at all.  Thus far I've had positive experiences from my neighbors, and now my first interaction with the remaining neighbor was far from that.

It took me a while to calm down. 

After calming, I did a little research and tried to relate. I had to admit that I got annoyed when I first moved in at people using these unassigned spots just like the person who wrote the note.  First of all I don't mind a walk,

second of all it's nice to save places for guests

third of all, it's nice for the spaces next to the building to be open when I actually have a lot of groceries or something to unload.

Furthermore, every unit here has an assigned parking spot and some units have a garage.  But some units have more than 1 vehicle and may or may not have a garage.  I knew I could look up if this unit had a garage because it sold last Dec and was in my comps when I made the offer in the building.  I looked, and they don't have a garage and they seemed to have 2 vehicles

which means they need to use 1 of the unassigned spots.

Ok I could see how that would be annoying. 

 Still anonymous swearing and name calling?  And the 2 men the notes were intended for were elderly.  AND there were other residents in my building not using their assigned spaces and parking in unassigned spots, why didn't they get there notes?

What to do?

I certainly couldn't put the notes back, because then someone would think I placed them there.

If the person who wrote it thinks the neighbor read it, even though they haven't, they might start making up all these future stories based on that...

Should I just knock on their door and confront them about it?

How do I do that in a non-confrontational way?

Then do I become a target?

Thus far I've felt very safe in my building.  Then will I have to lock my door when I go down the hall to the laundry room or worry about my car if I park it outside or...

And then I thought of if it is this hard it is to put myself in potential "harm's way" for such a minor infraction, think of WWII.  

And why is this from the one unit I haven't met yet, this is why it's so important to form a relationship with my neighbors!

I decided if I knocked on the door besides being terrified, I'd probably fumble with what to say.  Maybe I could knock on the door and give them a note or leave a note.  Then I could express myself well and they'd have some time to let defenses down.

I started writing the note and really wished I could ask Michael's advice, someone who acts out angrily sometimes...

and in the middle of my note, he called with an unrelated question, "I'm not in the space to talk now," I said, "I've got a situation with my neighbor," and then I told him about it.  And he helped me finish drafting my note with some good advice.  We agreed I should knock and introduce myself and then give the note, because it's harder to be mean to people in person.

So I finished my note and with a bit of terror I knocked on my neighbor's door.

To my surprised the woman that lived there answered.  I said I'd moved in downstairs and was sorry I hadn't introduced myself yet, she seemed very relaxed and open and maybe knew nothing about it.  Or maybe I was mistaken that the person that lived in that unit left the notes.

Anyway, I finished my little intro and then said, "I think someone up here left a note on the cars out front and I have a note to leave."

And then I left and called Michael back and read the note again and said, "I'm not 100% sure it was them, I mean I think it was them but I want to read you this note again.  If it wasn't them I still didn't say anything hurtful did I?"

Here is my note.

If I was mistaken it seemed ok.

So then I went to make dinner.

Soon after I got a knock at my door.

I opened it and a nervous man stood there, introduced himself and 

APOLOGIZED.  He said he was glad I removed the notes, and they'd had some other issues with those neighbors, but that he knew I had just moved into the building and people here were nice and he was sorry and it was a Friday and...

I said, "I get it, we all lose it sometimes."  And then I said I had looked and seen they didn't have a garage and that I had a friend coming over tonight, but I usually park in my garage and don't use my parking spot so if it would be help if they needed it sometimes or...

And he said, "No no." And he was completely unthreatening and kind and none of the stories I was making up in my head about him.

And when I closed my door I burst into tears.

It could have ended so many other ways.

Watching the Pain Body

#1 -  I have seen how with time and distance there is more space in me, less triggering.  I have felt much less of a need to defend myself or explain myself, or even to be understood.  As Terry Real says, "Who is right or wrong - who cares?"

There is one thing that triggered me today though, "I do not feel that Tammy has the right to this grief."  Wow that one got the anger rising in me.  I wanted to make an instant phone call and state the boundary that no one has the right to tell me what I have the right to feel.

But I took a few breaths, and I know that I have the right to my grief

and that's all that matters.

#2 -  And in fact I'm so grateful for it.  As a child how I learned to respond to turmoil around me was freezing, shutting down.  And that has happened to me as an adult too.  Sometimes I become numb to life, numb to beauty, numb to pain.

I don't feel numb now and I'm not only grateful about that, I'm happy about it.

#3 - And I am feeling energized just being a feeling advocate.  Everyone has a right to their grief, and a right to their anger. (Believe me there have been plenty of times I've tried to tell people they don't have a right to be angry.  They don't have a right to take out anger on other people.  And anger is often a secondary emotion but still that is my issue.  That is my work, putting up enough boundaries that people can have their anger around me.)

Anyway, all this prompted me to order a book I've thought about owning for years.

The Book of Qualities by J Ruth Gendler 

Most books I'd prefer not to own, because once I read them I am not going to return to them.  But this is a book I could continually return to.  The characters are emotions and it is written with such whimsy and depth.  Here is a quote I pulled from the description on the Hennepin County Library web page

"Excitement wears orange socks, Faith lives in the same apartment building as Doubt, and Worry makes lists of everything that could go wrong while she is waiting for the train."

https://hclib.bibliocommons.com/v2/record/S109C3872299

#4 - This made me look up the author and request her other book the library has.

Notes on the Need for Beauty

#5 - And I've really been practicing recently - when I feel conflict - as seeing it as an opportunity, as training a muscle.  Sometimes I/we don't have energy for it,

but sometimes (today) I do.