Load Planners

#1 - I was standing alone in the bus shelter protected from a rather fierce wind. A man came near to examine the schedule. He had a closed face the way strangers often do. He soon called the bus company to find out when a bus heading East would be there. I started looking at the schedule and saw only West bound info. Then I saw the bus he wanted arrive behind us. I don't think he understood how the stop worked as he was only looking ahead (and it is a bit confusing). "It's right there!" I pointed. "That bus goes downtown."

He started to run, but looked back for a moment to give me an open faced smile.

#2 - I've been filling in part-time at a job I was originally assigned through a temp agency. The job is in the transportation (trucking) department of a potato and egg company. This is probably the 5th (?) time I've been back there and each time I think I bring a little bit more of myself. Last time I started reading poems to various people in the department (one poem a day, each day to a different person.) Today I walked into the office where the three load planners work, one of whom is new to me, and I said, "Are you ready for your poem of the day?"

"Poem of the day?!" The new guy exclaimed (because in fact this was quite inaccurate. I think it's only the 2nd poem I've read them since I've been back). Then these three men, who plan trucks, gave me their undivided attention with expectant smiles.

"That was a dose of reality." One of them responded. (It was a bit of a downer poem.)

"I'll bring a happier one next time," I replied.

#3 - An email I read this AM - "I thank you for your honest question and kind words. I feel like reaching out and giving you a big hug right now..."

#4 - I bought my airplane ticket to NC for this summer. I can spend WAY too much time debating about when I should buy to get a better fare.

#5 - That I had a second alarm set up in my room. I've been doing this since I started catching the bus for work again as those days I have my alarm set for 20 minutes earlier. Today I was awoken by that second alarm (which is really loud and annoying) because my first didn't go off. I looked and it was set - but not for another 15 minutes because that is the time I usually get up. Anyway, alarm #2 prevented a rushing morning.

#9215

• I mentioned previously there is a letter/poetry contest that I am going to enter soon.  Last night a woman came to mind who was in a writing class I took a few years back.  Her comments were always insightful.  I didn't have her email saved, but I had it written in an address book so I gave it a try and sent her the poem.  She responded right away that she will take a look at it and get back to me.

• Last week I spoke to a friend who was excited to take a trip to Oregon this summer.  Today she wrote me that she had a different plan, "In a fairly quick turn of events, I've signed up for a trip to Ubud, Bali."  What?!  After I inquired further she explained that she didn't think international travel was an option in her current job for $ and time off reasons but, "Cheers to shattering limiting beliefs!"

•  I'm putting together some plans for a trip for myself this summer.  I'm going to "guitar and folk week" which is hosted at a college in Asheville, NC.  I applied for their work exchange after mentioning it to a friend on the phone who encouraged me.  I found out a couple weeks ago that I was awarded one of the positions so my fee will be 1/2 price.  Now I'm coming up with a plan to do a little camping/hiking in the area before the music week.  One of the places I want to camp (because it is listed in a book I got from the library called "Best Places to Camp in North Carolina") I just google mapped and it is 10.4 miles from the airport.  Excellent camping within 10 miles of an airport!  This is both awesome and intriguing.

• I mailed (postal) some friends my post from March 1st that I knew wouldn't see it here.  One replied today "I enjoyed your letter; thanks for sending it.  10,000 gratitudes - sounds like a book.  That is awesome.  I am happier just knowing that such a thing has happened."  

• In fact this is #9215 - Yep. I did the Math today.  I'm on gratitude #9215.  That is how many gratitudes it took to find a guy whom I enjoy spending time with to ask me to get together with him again.  Nine thousand two hundred and fifteen.  :)

Letter/Poem

#1 - I woke up this morning thinking I must have missed my alarm.   The time changed over the weekend and there was no way I was awake before it.  But I looked, and, nope it was 6AM.  Then before work I typed up a poem I might submit to a letter/poetry contest.  I know I will submit something, not sure it will be this poem and often it's hard to create space for this type of thing.  But it was before 7:30 AM and I could hardly believe it was already typed up.

#2 - I was feeling a little emotionally raw after sending the poem to a few people for comments/editing.  I just wrote the poem yesterday so it's hard to have enough distance to have it analyzed.  I went to Snatam Kaur's website and listened to her soothing/nourishing music all morning.

#3 - Two of the poets I asked about my submission replied.  The first wrote "very sweet and beautiful. I like it a lot."  The second wrote, "Thank you for sharing this with me. I really  liked reading it. There is no where to touch or fix.  The image is so vivid and brilliant and there is deep intimacy in your conversation."
 
#4 - I know this poem can be improved, which is I guess a nice problem to have, a supportive audience!  I decided to send the first guy some specific questions.  Actually I sent the poem to a co-worker and she didn't like it much.  I don't know that asking her for suggestions would help though, she was kind of down on the entire theme. :)

#5 - One of the regulars were missing from my community ed exercise class tonight.  It made a big difference.  I didn't realize how much his enthusiasm added to the atmosphere of the class.  Sometimes you don't notice something until it's gone.  Next week I'm going to have to thank him.

Five Years Practicing Gratitude

Five years ago I was cross-country skiing in a nearby park, not feeling grateful about it, and overall fed up with the lack of gratitude in my life.

In the quiet space that sometimes comes through exercise or time in nature, I was reminded of two things.  The first - daily gratitudes, something that I’d heard mentioned by various people over the years including Oprah Winfrey.  The second - a friend’s suggestion that I write a blog. “What would I possibly write about?” I had asked.

That day I had the answer.  My original goal was one month, five gratitudes a day, and no repeats.   After the month I had no desire to stop, though I didn’t always want to be on the computer.  So with time I switched to writing mostly in my journal, posting once a week.  

On March 1^st, 2015 I will reach my 5 year anniversary.  At some point this summer I’ll hit 10,000 gratitudes.  How does it change one’s life to find 10,000 things to be grateful for?  

It would be interesting if there was a parallel Tammy whose life did not include that practice and we could look at what she’s doing.  More importantly, if we could look at what she is thinking.  Climbing into my bed recently while the winter wind howled outside I thought, “I am so wealthy.”  But more importantly than the thought, I felt wealthy.  This happens fairly often.  In part I’m sure because I am largely shielded from the consumer culture and messages that we are bombarded with.  However in another part, I think it is my gratitude practice. Having to find 5 things I am blessed by every day for 5 years begins to have a cumulative effect.  When I see a single brown leaf blown across the snow out the window as I am washing dishes, I feel wealthy.  When I am boarding a bus on a cold day and easily have enough money to pay the fare, I feel wealthy.  When I have a clean bathroom to use, or access to a clean bathroom at the store or a restaurant because I am “a paying customer,” I feel wealthy.  Not all the time, but more than I used to.

The most surprising thing about this to me is that the gratitude practice has been a writing practice.  I wasn’t thinking about this at all initially, but I do love to write, and like any skill it takes practice.  I’ve always written regularly, but now I’m writing every day, even if it is just five sentences.  They also still have to be specific and unique enough to pertain to today only.

I’m sure I’ve broken that rule a few times, especially in the beginning.  As I have forgotten to write my gratitudes a few times, which just meant the next day I’d remember and write 10.

Also being able to share this practice with somone who reads these posts has been a gift.  In some ways it is an offering of the best parts of myself.  

So extra thanks to Jill who suggested I write a blog, and my mother who was always active outdoors in the winter and put me on cross-country skis as a child, the park where this thought came to me, the lack of gratefulness that led to this idea, to Stephanie my long-time most encouraging reader and lastly to myself for making this practice a priority in my life, and for setting aside this time, right now, to acknowledge that.

Ripening

When I selected ‘Ripe’ for my word of the year I was not happy about it. It was already a couple weeks into January and I was starting to think maybe I wouldn’t have a word of the year. I wanted something poetic, like “feather” or “threshold” both words one of my friends has used. However I had nothing.

One morning I went to a yoga class where we were asked to pick a word for class. The teacher also talked about New Year’s intentions. So it was on my mind that day and during lunch I was playing with words. I was going with water themed words – current, ripple…and the word “ripe” popped into my head. My whole body responded. My mind on the other hand said, “No! What is ripe in my life right now? I don’t know of anything that is ripe. I don’t want to try and force something. What if nothing comes? I want a word that I can really embody. What happens when you don’t pick/use something that is ripe? It decays. It becomes rotten….”

So the conversation in my head went, I was afraid.

In the fall of 2013 I was at a music festival I go to every Labor Day weekend and a kind-hearted singer (Ellis) mentioned this music gathering in North Carolina that immediately piqued my interest. I looked into it, but did not feel a strong enough urge to invest the money, time or travel to go.

A year later I hadn’t forgotten. I mentioned it to a friend on the phone with whom I hadn’t spoken for at least five years. I told her that each week had a work exchange option for free tuition and I was thinking about applying, “You totally should!” She said.

And so I did.

As I was thinking about my word of the year I thought, “If I go to this guitar/folk week I will be satisfied that I’ve fulfilled ‘ripe’.”

Well, a little over a month later I already have a list of 7 ways in which I’ve embodied ripe (including that hair cut last week). Today the catalog for the guitar and folk week music conveniently came in the mail as I could read all the classes on the bus ride to the lantern festival put on by Heart of the Beast Puppet Theater. I did start to wonder why the hell I wanted to go to this music gathering as many of the classes sounded unappealing and/or for professional musicians. I’ve never been to North Carolina and Asheville sounds like a beautiful/hip place, but really it is my body that is propelling me in this direction.

Skimming through the class offerings, I usually thought, “No,” once in a while I’d mark a class with a question mark. This was the first (and really only) class in the catalog that I said “Yes!” to

Rhythm for Guitarists – And Everyone Else

This class if for all levels, no experience necessary, and guitars are not required! Drawing from eastern and western traditions, we’ll sharpen our rhythmic awareness and expand our rhythmic vocabularies by combing inner (meditative) word with outer (walking, chanting, moving) rhythm exercises. Through group rhythm circles, we’ll explore pulsation, syncopation, beat, off-beats, sub-division and more 0 all with a sense of spontaneity, flow (BOMM WHACKERS, of course! and FUN!!

Ok there is at least something that resonates with me. At the lantern festival I saw the woman who told me about the walking outdoor play about the friendship between Thoreau and Emerson last fall that I loved so I thanked her.

On the way home I was able to get a good bus connection and avoid time out in the cold (though my new long underwear was helping).

This evening I felt restless. I was not up for any tasks, nor reading. I tried playing guitar a little. Apparently I should learn some scales. For the Guitar week the classes are Beginning, Intermediate or Advanced. Intermediate says, “students should have mastered basic skills, and be able to tune their instruments (check), keep time (check), play the principal chords (check) and scales (WHAT?) cleanly, and know how to play a few tunes with confidence (check).” I can play lots of songs with confidence. I’ve written at least 20, but I don’t know ANY scales. Zero. Zippo. None.

Then I knew it was a computer gratitude day but

A. I didn’t feel like going on the computer.
B. I didn’t have anything to say/write.

Well,

A. I decided I’d type this on Word and post it tomorrow (if I go on the internet I inevitably will check my email etc. and get sucked in).
B. I guess I did.


A few of my favorite definitions of ripe from dictionary.com

Ripe – arrived at the highest or a high point of development or excellence; mature
Ripe – characterized by full developmemt of body or mind: of ripe years.
Ripe – (of ideas, plans, etc.) read for action, execution.
Ripe (of people) fully prepared or read to do or undergo something: He was ripe for a change in jobs.

Valentine

I only have two Valentine's Days in my memory.

The first is close to ten years ago when my mother had breast cancer and I'd brought her to the store to pick up some medication. She went to the pharmacy and I went to look at swimsuits. I ended up buying a red bikini, completely out of character from my standard swimsuits that were always some shade of blue (or black) and one piece. When I told my mother she said, "We are both letting go a lot."

The second is last year. I'd just joined an outdoor group with whom I went to Itasca State Park for my first cross-country ski weekend. It was a fun weekend and I first learned of this group because my mother used to be a part of it.

So I wasn't thinking about any of this when I got my hair cut yesterday, but maybe it's fitting that the day before Valentine's Day I plan to donate the results.

I plan to test out these "new" "used" cross-country ski boots today. My ski equipment is old style. Apparently they don't even make the kind of boots I need anymore. But after my ski boots needed glueing for at least the 3rd time I went to a used sporting store and found these. I've been scared to use them as I think based on the way the backs feel that they are going to give my heels blisters. Eventually I'll probably have to buy some new gear, for now I can thank my mom for the hand me downs that I've stuck with thus far.

I'm also glad this Valentine's Day to be spending the day at a Wild Woman Writing Retreat. I wasn't thinking about Valentine's Day when I signed up for the class but now I'm grateful I'll be spending the day doing something I enjoy with an instructor whose classes I always find nourishing.


I'd been debating getting a massage recently (well I wanted one, I was debated spending my money on one). Then my sister-in-law gave me a gift certificate for my birthday! I scheduled the appointment today.

I'm reading one of those rare books that is good enough that I used it today to motivate myself to turn on the light and read (and therefore wake-up). It is called Gone to Soldiers by Marge Piercy. Historical fiction about WWII.

Nudges in the Right Direction

#1 - Some years ago I was switching banks and I reluctantly opened a savings account with a big online bank. I don't like the idea of banks with massive power, or what I often hear them funding, but there my money went. I thought I had looked into the nearby credit union and didn't qualify. But I looked again recently and anyone that lives in the area can join. So thanks to 350.org and their global divestment day coming up next week, I've been nudged in a better direction. I just put in a transfer request. Next week I'll close it (if I can figure out how, it is NOT obvious to me on the website) and join the credit union.

#2 - On Tuesday I received an email from a yoga teacher that she had read one of my poems in class and hoped it was ok. A few days before that I had uncertainly signed up for the AWP conference this Spring. I had never heard of the AWP (Association of Writers and Writing Programs). I wasn't initially drawn to spend money on it, but then I saw that next year it's in L.A. and then DC and then Florida. It's in Minneapolis this year, so even if I don't know what it is, I decided to check it out. I told all this when I wrote back Julie (the yoga teacher) about using my poem. She responded, "I am so glad that you are going to the writing conference!"

#3 - Then today in yoga someone else who works at the studio and was in class Tuesday said she enjoyed my poem.

#4 - I'm going to a new poetry group tomorrow night. One of the women who goes to my regular library poetry group has mentioned it, and then a friend of mine sent me a meet-up link about the same group. So I decided I'd try it. For this group you are supposed to bring a poem based on the month's theme. This month is dedication. I picked out Mary Oliver's The Journey, imagining that others may pick it too, but it is so clearly on target. As I was coming home from yoga today though, I thought about my poem that Julie read on Tuesday. It is called Fall in Love with Your Life, falling in love with the life that you have sure as hell requires dedication. Maybe I'll bring my own poem instead.

#5 - This has a lot of nudges in the right direction. #3:Remembering Karim is my favorite

http://www.wbur.org/series/kindworld